by Merry Farmer
Libby hugged her back, more desperation in her embrace than excitement. “What am I thinking, Josephine? I can’t do this.”
The exuberance in Josephine’s eyes solidified into the wisdom of age. She gave Libby’s hand a squeeze, then led her to the kitchen table to sit down. Although at the moment, Libby felt far more like pacing and wringing her hands than sitting.
“All brides get cold feet on their wedding day,” Josephine laughed, veering back toward the stove where a kettle was steaming. She set about making tea as she continued dispensing advice. “You must have felt this way before marrying Teddy.”
It was true. She had questioned her decision to marry him. But the circumstances then were as different as ten years of life and tragedy could make them. She had two boys and an unborn child to consider now.
Libby shook her head. “It’s not that.” She winced, knowing full well that complete honesty was the only thing that could clear her conscience. She knew that, so why was it so unbearably hard to be honest?
Josephine studied her as she poured hot water into a teapot. “Is it the baby?”
Libby lowered her face in shame. She’d announced to her family that she was expecting at the same time that she and Mason had announced their impending nuptials. Like Mason, every member of her family had assumed that the baby was Teddy’s, conceived in his last days. In fact, they’d blessed her good fortune, assuring her that a new life would mean Teddy would live on. The joy and encouragement offered by her family during that conversation had come close to killing Libby with guilt. She hadn’t been able to make it through without crying. Thank God she hadn’t had to explain her tears.
“It must be daunting to marry a man while carrying another man’s child,” Josephine said as she brought a tray with the teapot, two teacups, cream and sugar to the table. “But under the circumstances, it couldn’t be more innocent.”
Slowly, Libby dragged her eyes up to meet Josephine’s. Her lips twitched and her tongue ached to confess the truth, but her jaw wouldn’t move.
Josephine continued to watch her through eyes that saw far more than she would say aloud. She added cream and sugar to one of the teacups, then passed it across the table to Libby. “Teddy was a good man,” she said. “I didn’t know him well, but he was generous and jovial every time our two families visited.”
“Teddy was the very best of men,” Libby agreed, her throat squeezing. “I’m blessed to have known him, to have loved him. I won’t let our sons forget him either.”
“Of course not.” Josephine grinned. “So you think this one is a boy too?” She nodded at Libby’s stomach.
Libby had picked up her teacup, but set it down without taking a sip. She knew that failing to smile at Josephine’s comment could only look suspicious, but she couldn’t manage so much as a twitch at the corner of her mouth.
Josephine’s expression went serious. “Teddy was a good man, but Mason is a good man too, and I do know Mason.”
“As do I,” Libby sighed. She picked up her teacup again and managed to get it to her mouth for a sip this time, though her stomach roiled.
“But you think marrying again so soon after Teddy’s death is unseemly.” Josephine guessed at her thoughts.
She had to say something. She couldn’t hide the truth of what had happened from a woman who was the closest thing she’d had to a mother since her own mother died. She willed herself to find the words, prayed for them to come, but her soul was silent.
“Barely three months,” she whispered. And Hector had cornered her after little more than a month. “What kind of woman does something like…like this so soon after her husband’s death?” She lowered her eyes, sadness and shame pressing down on her.
Josephine was silent for so long that Libby peeked up at her to see if inevitable judgment had come to her eyes. So far, the only emotion there was concern. “Some women can go their whole lives without being married,” she said. “I thought I was one of them, but along came Pete. But some women blossom much brighter when they have a husband to stand strong beside them. I think you’re one of those women.”
“Maybe,” Libby conceded with a sigh. That could explain why, on one level, marrying Mason now felt like the right thing to do. She certainly would have stood a lot taller against Hector’s advances if Teddy had still been alive. In fact, the scenes from her memory that had played out during the last few weeks seemed to show that she had stood firmer when Teddy was by her side. It was only once he was gone that she had…fallen.
“There’s no shame in doing what’s best for you and your children.” Josephine reached across the table with her words, squeezing Libby’s hand. “I think Teddy would understand and approve.”
He would. At least, knowing Mason was taking his place he would.
And still, the truth ate at her, like a worm in the core of an apple.
“Josephine, there’s something I haven’t told anyone,” she forced herself to say, voice trembling.
Josephine still held her hand. “Oh? What?”
Libby licked her lips and took a breath. With her eyes downcast, she said, “Several men at the logging camp offered to marry me—for protection—after Teddy died. I think they were just being kind. But one of them, a man named Hector Sterling, was more…insistent than the others.”
She peeked up to judge just how deeply Josephine could see through her story.
“I take it you had no interest in him?”
Libby shook her head, cheeks going pink. “None at all, but he was…persistent. That’s why I took the boys and left Oregon.” And why she had tossed comfort out the window in favor of getting as far away from Hector as fast as she could.
“Sounds like you made a wise decision,” Josephine said, her brow clouded with confusion.
Libby tilted her head to the side. “Yes, but as I said, Hector was persistent. So persistent that…that I am afraid he might come after me.” More guilt piled up inside of Libby as she chickened out of telling Josephine what she’d intended to tell.
To Libby’s surprise, a smile spread across Josephine’s face. She leaned back in her chair, sipping her tea. “Well then, it all makes sense.”
“What does?”
“Your unusual worry these last few days. Your reasons for marrying Mason so quickly, even though you have doubts. This man, Hector, sounds like a bully and a scoundrel.”
“He is.” Libby hid her shame by sipping her tea.
“Well, my dear, no one can fault you for doing what’s best for your boys and for yourself,” Josephine went on. “Mason will make a good husband, and if this Hector fellow does dare to show his ugly face anywhere near Haskell, Mason will chase him off, quick as you please. So leave behind all this hand-wringing and sorrow. You’re a clever girl, and if you ask me, you’ve solved your own problems very well.”
Except for the tiny complication of the fact that she was carrying Hector’s child. Would a man be scared off so easily if he knew it would mean never being able to claim a child as his own?
“I suppose you’re right,” she said over her teacup, keeping her eyes down.
“It’s not me that’s right,” Josephine chuckled. “It’s you. Or Mason, depending on how you look at things.” She stood, patting Libby’s shoulder. “You’re doing the right thing, my dear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a wedding feast to prepare.”
Josephine kissed Libby’s cheek, then returned to the stove. She continued to chat about the food she was preparing for the luncheon that would take place after the wedding ceremony and about how sweet Wendy Montrose was to whip up a quick wedding gown on short notice. Libby gave short answers when they were needed, but she couldn’t keep her thoughts on mundane things. She couldn’t silence the voice in her head that said she was a liar and a harlot for tricking Mason into marriage.
“I think I need to go for a walk,” she declared all of a sudden, in the middle of Josephine talking about how much Libby would enjoy living out at Paradise Ranch as a newlywed. Appar
ently there was a special house on Howard Haskell’s property, custom-designed for newlywed ranch hands, but Libby didn’t have room in her thoughts for it.
Josephine blinked and straightened from the bowl of biscuit dough she was mixing. “A walk?” She nodded. “Yes, all things considered, I think that’s a good idea. Take your troubles to the Lord. Don’t you worry about your boys. I’ll fill them up with biscuits, tea, and love as soon as they get up.”
Reassured about that much, at least, Libby managed a smile before heading back upstairs to change into a simple day dress. Muriel was awake by then, reading a book in bed.
“I don’t want to disturb you,” Libby reassured her as she threw on clothes.
“Are you excited for your big day?” her sister asked, putting down her book and pushing back the bedcovers. “I know I am.”
Libby laughed weakly. At least that made one of them. “What do you think?” she asked to evade the question. Before Muriel could answer, Libby fastened the last button on her blouse and said, “I’m going for a walk.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Muriel jumped out of bed and ran to her wardrobe.
“No, no, you take your time getting ready for the day. I need to be alone with God and my thoughts for a moment.”
“Oh.” A sage look came over Muriel’s adolescent features. “I see.” She skipped across the room and kissed Libby’s cheek.
In spite of it all, Libby was tempted to laugh. She’d thought she knew it all at that age too.
Still, it was a relief to bustle her way out of the house and onto the streets of Haskell. A fair amount of people were already up and about, walking to work or opening their businesses. She nodded to Mr. Theophilus Gunn as she passed The Cattleman Hotel.
“Good morning, Mrs. Sims.” The tall, white-haired man in his impeccable hotel uniform waved. “Felicitations on your happy day.”
Libby waved back, but kept her lips pressed shut. What would a fine, sophisticated man like Mr. Gunn think of the shameful thing she’d done?
No, she couldn’t continue to think that way about ever new person she saw. Wallowing in self-pity never helped anything. She had to pull herself up by her bootstraps and think about her children.
All of them.
She pressed a hand to her stomach as it twisted inside of her. But what if she couldn’t? What if…
“Is everything all right, ma’am?”
Libby glanced up to find the attractive, dark-skinned banker, Mr. Templesmith, standing on the front steps of the town hall. He’d been checking his watch against the clock embedded above the town hall’s door, but his concern was on her now.
“Good morning, Mr. Templesmith.” Libby forced herself to smile. “Nothing’s wrong.”
“Nothing indeed. She’s getting married today.”
An odd rush of relief softened Libby’s shoulders at the sound of Mason’s voice. She turned to find him striding up behind her. He was dressed in what must have been his finest suit, his hair slicked back, his face freshly shaved. Her heart jumped against her ribs. How had she forgotten how handsome Mason Montrose was? A joyful smile filled her.
A moment later, it crashed. He was a fool to take her when she carried another man’s child.
Mason saw her reaction. “No, no.” He rushed the last few steps toward her. “None of that.”
He marched right up to her, taking her in his arms. Libby’s skin prickled with the need to sink into his embrace. Mr. Templesmith smiled and nodded to them before hurrying on his way with a grin that said he knew Libby was in good hands and didn’t want to interfere.
“How did Haskell end up with a black banker?” Libby asked as Mason released her from his hug and walked on with her.
“Uh-uh.” Mason shook his head. “You’re not allowed to distract me with questions like that when you looked so happy one second and so distressed the next.”
A train whistle sounded in the distance, as if to underscore the scolding.
Libby sighed. “Are you sure we’re not making a mistake?”
They reached the far end of the road near the baseball field, where it began to curve away toward the road leading to the school and to the church. Libby stepped to the side of the road, rubbing her arms to ward off the chill as she faced Mason.
“We’re not making a mistake.” Mason spoke with more authority than she’d ever heard in him. “I’m not making a mistake,” he clarified, stepping closer to her.
Libby winced and met his stern gaze. “Are you certain you want to shackle yourself to a woman with two boys? A woman who is carrying another man’s child?” she whispered. It wouldn’t take that much to tell him the whole truth, would it?
Yes, she answered herself. Yes it would.
To her surprise, Mason laughed. “Not to sound awkward about it, sweet pea, but Teddy’s children—all of them—are part of the reason I want to marry you. Those kids, that baby, deserve a father.”
Libby’s cheeks went bright red, and she looked away. Teddy’s baby deserved a father, but did Hector’s?
“But that’s not the only reason I want to marry you,” he went on, brushing his gloved hand over her cheek with a smile. “I like you, Libby. I’ve always liked you.” There was more than just ‘like’ in his eyes, which only lit the flames of longing and dug the awl of guilt deeper into Libby’s gut. “You’re in a tough spot, and I want to help you.”
“Yes, but…” Libby pressed her lips shut, beginning to be annoyed with herself for waffling and cowering. She clenched her jaw, then blew out a breath and forced herself to stand straight and look Mason in the eyes. “There are things you don’t know about me.”
Mason shrugged. “There are always things we don’t know about each other until we have time to get to know them. You don’t know much about me either.”
She bit her lip. It was a fair point. But she seriously doubted Mason had anything to confess that came close to what she was keeping secret. The worst he could possibly lay claim to was making regular visits to the town’s cathouse, but Libby didn’t know a single man from the logging camp who hadn’t enjoyed the company of fallen ladies from time to time.
Fallen ladies like her.
She shook the thought away. “I want to give you a chance to change your mind,” she said. “Before it’s too late. You don’t have to marry me. The boys and I will cope on our own.”
Mason shifted his weight to one hip, crossed his arms, and stared at her. “Are you saying that because you genuinely want to give me a chance to back out or are you saying it because you want to back out?”
Libby winced. Her hand flew to her stomach before she could stop it. “You might not want to live with all my ghosts.”
Masons shoulders softened and he stepped into her to wrap her in another hug. “Aw, sweetheart. I know that you’ll always love Teddy. I’m not asking you to close your heart to him, not at all. I’ll do my best to raise his boys to remember him and to keep him alive in your life. And if you want to wait until later for, you know, I can live with that.”
Libby squeezed her eyes shut and rested her head against his shoulder. Those weren’t the ghosts she had in mind.
“I’ll tell you what.” Mason gave her a last squeeze, then stepped back, holding her at arm’s length. “I think this is really about you having second thoughts.” There was no disappointment or judgment in his eyes. “So I’m going to go on to the church to get things ready. You spend some time thinking and praying. I only want to marry you if that’s what you really want. So if you have your think and decide that you’re not ready to remarry, then I’ll understand completely if you don’t show up at the church.”
Her heart twisted in her chest. “Mason Montrose, you may very well be the most thoughtful and understanding man I’ve ever met.”
He looked away with a modest shrug. “I’m just a man.” He smiled and brushed his fingers over her face again. “You go think. I’ll hope to see you later.”
He leaned toward her, and for a gl
orious, heart-stopping moment, Libby thought he might kiss her. More than that, she found herself longing for it, longing for a part of marriage she had thoroughly enjoyed, was certain she could enjoy again, in spite of Hector. With Mason, it would be right. Fire and wishes swirled in her gut, urging her to reach for the kind man in front of her and never let go.
Instead, she rocked back on her heels. “Thank you, Mason.”
He touched her nose and chuckled. “See you later, sweetheart.”
With that, he turned and headed off toward the church. The train whistle blew, closer now. As close as the yearning that grew inside of her. There was something there. There had always been something there. The time was coming closer when she might actually be able to act on it, if she could just escape the consequences of Hector’s desire.
With a deep breath, Libby turned and backtracked, heading the other way down the street, toward the road that led out to Paradise Ranch. She had no intention of walking the miles out to the ranch itself, but it was a relief to wander past the last of the houses and on into the barren, November fields, her thoughts turned toward what God had to say about the situation.
He seemed to be saying something was there. She could build something with Mason Montrose. Ten years ago, when they’d first met she had known that if Teddy hadn’t found her first she could have been happy with Mason.
“Would you forgive me for marrying him, Teddy?” she whispered into the cold wind.
Something told her that he would.
She drew in a shuddering breath. “Would you forgive me for Hector?”
Again, the feeling that Teddy would forgive her for anything settled over her. But it wasn’t what she wanted to feel. God would forgive her too. She couldn’t forgive herself, and that was what mattered now.
Her path took her almost all the way to the cluster of houses that Mason had called The Village, but Libby stopped short of going in and investigating the unfinished house that might be hers soon. Cody had a house in The Village—thanks to the misunderstanding when Wendy came to Haskell—and Libby didn’t want to accidentally run into her possible future brother-in-law. So she turned around and headed back to town.
