“Let them wonder,” he said, tightening his arms around me, “I’m busy.”
“Come on,” I smiled, wiggling out of his arms, “If we’ve both gone missing, people will start to talk.”
He looked at me, suddenly serious. “Alexa,” he said, “People will start to talk anyway.”
“Not if we keep this our little secret,” I smiled, fetching our clothing from the floor.
“I don’t have secrets,” he said solemnly, “Especially not where my love life is concerned.”
My heart trilled stupidly at the term “love life”. I was such a hopeless romantic. “I know how to be subtle,” I said, pulling on my clothes.
“You’ll see,” he said, following suit. “Oh, will you see.”
We clothed ourselves in relative silence, stealing glances at each other like two bashful school kids. I couldn’t get over the way he had let me take the lead in bed. Our run-in on the plane had me thinking me would be a bossy bed mate, but it wasn’t that at all. He just knew what my body needed, without having to ask, no matter what that meant. He was the ultimate lover—not because he had his technique down pat, but because he knew how to improvise.
“What will we say?” I asked as we headed for the door, “If anyone asks where we were?”
“Say that you were interviewing me,” Jackson smiled, leading the way down the hall. “Say that I was giving you the inside scoop...All the dirty little details...”
“Talk about subtle,” I smiled.
My fingers ached to hold his as we made our way back toward the party. Soon, the sound of blaring music and wild yelling began to flit through the hallways. We followed the pumping sounds until we rounded a corner and the party suite came back into view. I saw that Eddie was standing in the doorway, looking anxious.
“Hey Eddie!” Jackson called out. The guitarist turned at the sound of Jackson’s voice and hurried to intercept us.
“What’s up?” I asked Eddie, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“You’re not far off,” he said.
“What’s going on, Eddie?” Jackson asked.
“There’s um...A bit of a situation unfolding in there,” Eddie said nervously. The man was practically quaking with nerves.
“Oh, fuck,” Jackson said, “Did someone overdose? Do we need to call an ambulance? We said after the last tour, no more fucking heroin in the hotel rooms! We—”
“No one OD’d, man,” Eddie said desperately. “Listen to me. I think it would be better if you got another room for the night. Just turn around and head back to your own private—”
“Eddie,” Jackson said, his voice suddenly cold, “Who’s in there?”
“What?” Eddie said, with a quivering smile, “Nobody’s in there, man! I mean, besides the people we brought with us. But, I mean, no one extra or anything.”
“Tell me the truth,” Jackson growled. “Now.”
Eddie drew a deep breath. “OK,” he said, “But you’re not going to like this. She just showed up out of nowhere, we couldn’t—”
“Couldn’t stop me,” trilled a lilting Irish voice from the doorway of the suite, “Not even if you’d tried.”
I peered around Eddie’s frozen form and saw a woman framed by the threshold of the suite. She was tall and as thin as the blade of a knife. She tossed her flaming red hair over one shoulder and leveled her bright green eyes at us. Her freckled nose wrinkled in our direction—but even this gesture she managed to make delicate, beautiful.
“Hello, Jackson,” she sang, smiling at him deviously.
I looked over at him, saw his jaw tighten. “Hello, Mary,” he said, his voice strained.
Realization hit me in the gut, and I remembered where I’d seen this gorgeous siren before. I’d come across pictures of her and Jackson during my research. It was Mary. Bloody Mary, of the Marionettes. Carnal Knowledge’s former front woman and...Jackson’s former lover.
“You don’t look happy to see me,” she pouted.
“What are you doing here?” Jackson asked, ignoring her feigned injury.
“When I heard you were back in town,” she said lightly, “I wanted to give you a little homecoming myself.”
“Well,” Jackson said, “Thanks, I suppose. But you really shouldn’t—”
“Ah,” Mary said, “Here she is...” I realized with a sinking feeling in my gut that her eyes were trained on me.
“Uh...Hi,” I said blankly, “I’m—”
“I know who you are,” Mary said, with false cheer dripping from every syllable. “You’re Jackson’s new chew toy.”
“Excuse me,” I said, “I happen to be a reporter, working on an in-depth and far-reaching—”
“You don’t have to play dumb with me,” Mary said, crossing her thin arms, “I know a groupie when I see one. Whether she has an alibi or not.”
“I don’t know who you think you are, or where you think you get off,” I said, fuming, “But you don’t know anything about me.”
“Sure I do,” she said simply, “And so does the rest of the world.”
Chapter Nine
“What the hell...?” I breathed, staring incredulously at the computer screen.
“Oh, Christ,” Jackson mumbled, running his fingers through his black curls. “Alexa, I’m so sorry. This is such shit.”
“What did I say?” Mary smirked, watching as Jackson and I stared at her laptop in horror. “The whole world is watching, my dear. Are you sure you can handle it?”
I barely heard her baiting words, my attention was so focused on the series of pictures clustered on the webpage. Image after image of paparazzi photos, the subjects of which were Jackson...and me. It was completely surreal.
“Why are they even interested in me?” I asked Jackson helplessly, “I’m just a reporter, I’m not anyone special!”
“When you’re standing next to Jackson Brent,” Mary said, “You’re special by default.”
I narrowed my eyes at the red headed beauty. Her gaze was fixed lovingly on Jackson, and I didn’t like the knowing sneer that was painted on her pretty lips. What the hell was she even doing here? I knew that she and the guys had been band mates at one point, but from what I read, the breakup was not amicable. When the relationship between her and Jackson had gone south, their band had cracked down the middle. I’d been hoping that Mary and Jackson’s romance had been a ploy, something to feed the media; but from the look she was giving him, I started to have some doubts.
“‘Mystery Woman Joins Carnal Knowledge Caravan’,” Jackson read, scowling at the computer screen. The three of us had retreated to a relatively quiet corner of the hotel party suite for this little conference. Mary had insisted that we take a look at all the baffling tabloid stories. I was more compelled to scrutinize her than I was the gossip blogs. What was her game, here?
“You look a little overwhelmed, Alexa,” Mary said, “Don’t worry, you get used to this kind of thing after a while. And besides, they won’t be interested in you once you rejoin your civilian world. This will all be over the minute the tour ends.”
“How comforting,” I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “I’m really not too concerned. If any columnist does any research, they’ll realize I’m here on assignment.”
“Do you think that will stop them from cooking up juicy little stories of their own?” Mary countered. “You’re a relatively pretty girl traveling around Europe with Jackson Brent. They’ll leap to their own conclusions. Not that anything could actually be going on between you...”
I didn’t dare steal a look at Jackson. After our mind-blowing romp in a quiet corner of the hotel, I didn’t think I could manage without blushing something fierce. Mary was looking back and forth between us, and I felt transparent under her gaze. Could she tell what had gone on between Jackson and me with just a look?
“Alexa,” she said, “Would you mind giving Jackson and I a private moment?”
“Um...” I looked at Jackson, waiting for him to intervene.
But he was looking resignedly at Mary. He swung his gaze heavily toward me an sighed.
“It’ll only be a second,” he said. The guilty look on his face was troubling. What was this hold Mary had over him? I was surprised by how much his dismissal hurt. But then again, we had just been making love an hour ago, and now he was shooing me away in order to be alone with another woman. I think I had the right to be a little bit miffed.
“Sure,” I said, fighting to keep the bitterness from my voice. “No problem. I’ll just...”
I retreated out of the room and headed back into the thick of the party. As I walked away, I heard Mary and Jackson’s raised voices. What was going on, some kind of ex-lovers spat? Maybe their relationship wasn’t as far in the past as I’d believed. I bit my lip, remembering that the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. And whatever was going on while my back was turned was anything but indifferent.
The mood of the party had changed entirely when Mary had shown up. Everyone seemed to have sobered up out of fear or anxiety. Eddie, Marco, and Turbo looked downright grim as I joined the group. Sadie, Annabelle, and Britt each had their hands on one of the guys, like they were trying to protect them from evil spirits. How could one skinny little singer have such an impact on these people? In the time I’d known them, they blazed ahead fearlessly, they were conquerers of the world. Now, they looked as though they were cows lining up for the slaughterhouse. There was clearly something about this Mary person that I had yet to learn.
“Apparently I’m a tabloid star,” I said to Sadie, with a forced laugh.
“The tabloids already picked you up?” she asked, with her arm around Eddie’s waist.
“I guess so. The blogs, anyway. I’m sure they’ll quit it as soon as they realize that I’m nothing worth writing about,” I said.
“Are you kidding?” Eddie put in, “They’re going to eat you alive.”
“No wonder she came back,” Britt whispered, sucking nervously on her lollipop.
“I don’t see—” I started.
“She’s carrying a torch for Jackson,” Sadie said, “In a big way.”
“It’s not that,” Eddie said, “She just wants the option of taking him back if it will boost her career at all.”
“What career?” Marco snorted, tugging Britt closer to him.
“Exactly,” Eddie said, “She’s sniffing around for a comeback. And she needs Jackson to get it.”
My heart was pounding against my ribcage as they speculated. A hot, acidic anger rose inside of me, something that I’d never felt before. I felt protective, territorial, ready to throw Mary out of the picture with my own bare hands. I was jealous in a way that I’d never been of another woman. And I didn’t like the feeling one bit.
“Would you guys excuse me for a minute,” I said, finding it hard to breathe, “I just need to...to...”
“Alexa, are you OK?” Annabelle said. Her eyes were brimming with something that looked like pity, and it made me feel all of two inches tall.
“Oh, yeah! I’m fine, I could just use some fresh air,” I said, backing away from the group.
“Do you want some company?” Turbo asked kindly. For a second, I considered taking Turbo with me, maybe fooling around a tiny bit, just to level the playing field with Jackson.
That’s crazy, I chided myself, you’re thinking like a crazy person. Jackson hasn’t done anything wrong...yet.
“No thanks,” I said out loud. “I’ll be back in a jiffy.”
I turned and hurried out of the suite as fast as I could without running. My throat was closing up, and helpless tears were rushing to my eyes. I tore through the hotel and flew across the front lobby, heading for the outside world. I burst through a revolving door and found myself in a beautiful and romantic garden. There were fountains and flowering trees everywhere, and twinkling lights hung down as if suspended from the air. The cobblestone walkways stretched out in all directions, flanked here and there by benches and gazebos.
As I made my way along the path, I thought of how perfect a place this would have been to sit with Jackson. I pictured us beneath the willow tree up ahead, my back pressed firmly against the bark as he supported me with his hips. I thought how wonderful it would be to sit here with him in silence, letting our feelings go unspoken but understood. He had seemed so attainable just an hour before. Now, I felt like Cinderella after the clock struck twelve.
I sank onto one of the wooden park benches and stared, despondently, up into the night sky. The moon was nearly full, though the stars were obscured by light pollution. It was strangely comforting that the sky in London looked more or less the same as it did in New York.
Thinking of the city sent a deep, stabbing pang of homesickness through my gut. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to be sitting at my cramped little desk at The Beat, or picnicking on my kitchen floor with Hadley. This garden was beautiful, but it still had nothing on Gramercy Park. Even my parents modest back yard, with the old swing set standing proud, would have been a welcome relief from this feeling of utter isolation.
I didn’t belong in this world, with these people. I could bump and grind all I wanted, but I’d never be as free-spirited as Sadie or Britt. Or Mary. I looked down at my grungy costume and suddenly felt the fool. Who did I think I was kidding? I was an ambitious, put-together, clean-cut girl from New Jersey. This whole thing was nothing but a poorly-executed act.
I needed to talk to someone, but who? Sadie didn’t actually understand what it was like to weigh personal ambition against devotion to someone else. Britt wouldn’t take that lollipop out of her mouth long enough to contribute any useful wisdom. Annabelle’s perceptive eyes would just leave me feeling sorry for myself, and I had a feeling that Mary wouldn’t take kindly to being asked for advice about securing the affection of the man she still loved. There was only one person on the planet that I could talk to about all of this, and she happened to be on another continent.
Without stopping to calculate the time difference, I whipped out my cell phone and hit number one on my speed dial. The phone rang once, twice, and then clicked.
“What the hell took you so long?” Hadley all but screamed into my ear. I nearly started to cry, I was so happy to hear her voice.
“Hello to you, too,” I smiled.
“You’ve been over there for, like, two days,” she went on, feigning indignation, “And I’m only now hearing from you?”
“Things have been a little...hectic,” I said.
“I know. I’ve been following you on the blogs,” she said, “You’re like a celebrity now, or something.”
“I’m just a celebrity’s chew toy,” I said miserably.
“What do you mean?” Hadley said, taken aback, “What’s going on?”
“Oh, Hadley,” I sighed, “I fucked it all up.”
“What did you do?” she asked.
“I fell for him,” I admitted, “Hard.”
“Ah,” she said. She didn’t sound at all surprised.
“And as if that weren’t bad enough,” I said, “The ice queen ex from hell just showed up to crash the party.”
“Not that one from his old band?” Hadley asked.
“The very same,” I said bitterly.
“Damn,” Hadley breathed, “Shit just got real over there, huh?”
“That it did,” I said. There was some kind of low sound on the other end of the line, and Hadley said something away from the mouthpiece. “Hadley,” I said, “Do you have Company?”
“Obviously,” she said.
“Am I...interrupting anything?” I asked, hoping that they weren’t actually engaged in the act while Hadley and I chatted on the phone.
“Not at all,” Hadley said, “He can be patient. Can’t you?” she asked some unknown man beside her. “He says he can be patient. Good boy...”
“Hadley, what the hell should I do?” I asked, I’m stuck with these people for a month. It’s only been a couple of days, and everything’s already fallen to shit.”
/>
“Alexa,” Hadley said, “The first thing you need to do is stop thinking of these people as better than you. You are a brilliant writer, a fantastic critic, and an incredible young woman. Jackson needs you there. He wouldn’t have brought you along otherwise. You are not inferior to any of them, just because they have jets and limos and stylists. You’re enough, just as you are. As for Jackson...Be careful, but don’t hold yourself back. If you really think that there’s something underneath the rock star act, something beautiful and intact and worth seeking out, then go for it. But know when to walk away. He’s not worth as much as the world seems to think. He’s not worth more than your happiness.”
“You should really have your own talk show,” I said, smiling into the phone.
“I know,” Hadley sniffed, “It’s a tragedy that more people can’t benefit from my infinite wisdom.”
“This call is probably costing me my rent money,” I said, “Thank you, Hadley, for the advice.”
“Don’t mention it,” she said, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said.
“No, not you, idiot,” I heard Hadley say to her mystery man, “I was talking to—” but the phone cut off with a click, and I was alone once more.
I took a deep breath and looked back up into the night sky, letting Hadley’s words wash over me. I knew that she was right, that Jackson was only one man among millions, that I had to put my own happiness before my feelings for him. That kind of prioritizing had never been a problem in the past, but something about Jackson had me willing to sell my soul for a minute of his time.
“That’s bullshit,” I muttered to myself. It was bullshit that I felt the need to surrender my own identity in order to win Jackson’s favor. He’d taken a liking to me from the start, or so he said. That meant that my whole groupie act was for no one’s benefit at all. I was acting like an insecure kid, trying to fit into the cool group...but why? Why shouldn’t I be true to myself, even amid all this chaos? Why shouldn’t Alexa Vansant get to enjoy this trip as herself?
Beauty in the Breakdown (A Rock Star Romance Novel) Page 10
