So this was a good friend or perhaps her sister. Zach gripped the steering wheel, imagining he was the subject of this conversation and having no trouble at all doing so. It was easy to imagine himself as an asshole live-in boyfriend. If he and Elise started dating…yeah, he could easily imagine things heading in that direction. More easily than he could imagine them working out. He just wasn’t good at relationships. There was no way around it. He was thirty-three, and he’d had exactly one real relationship, one that had not ended well at all.
Elise put her hand to her mouth. “Oh, Brit. You never told me…I know…Don’t say that…Okay, that’s fine. I’m out of town, but I’ll be home by then…Really, as long as you need.”
She put her phone away, and Zach wasn’t sure whether he should ask about the call. He decided against it, and they drove on in uncomfortable silence.
A couple minutes later, she said, “That was my sister. She’s going to leave her boyfriend, and she wants to stay with me until she finds her own place.”
“You’re pleased?” he said.
“Yes.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“My sister…it’s hard for her to be single. She likes to feel wanted and needed, but then ends up dating men who treat her like crap. In two weeks, she may very well move out of my apartment only to move in with a guy she just met. Likely one who will soon be micromanaging her life or cheating on her, if not both.” Elise sighed and leaned against the window.
I wouldn’t do that to you.
There was no need to say it out loud. He was pretty sure she didn’t see him that way. Any desire to say it was to convince himself.
And he could convince himself that he wouldn’t be a controlling cheat. But he was also convinced it wouldn’t last and he would hurt her. Of course, there was no way of knowing that for sure. But given his history, he felt like he did know.
“I blame it on our childhood,” Elise said. “I used to beat myself up over her lack of self-confidence and independence. I felt like it was my fault because I’m four years older and more or less raised her. But—”
“That’s not your fault.”
She nodded. “It’s not my fault. Easy to say that when you’re talking about someone else. Harder to believe it for yourself.”
He kept his eyes on the road and said nothing.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You haven’t said much.”
He clenched his jaw. “I’m fine. It was a good weekend.”
“Want to stop in Kingston for lunch?”
“No, I’ve got work to do at home. Let’s just stop at a service center.” He couldn’t bear to spend more time with her. It was too painful.
Elise was silent for a long time, and when she spoke, her voice was very quiet. “So now that you’ve slept with me, you’re losing interest. Is that what’s going on here?”
“Yes.” A total lie, of course. He wanted her just as badly.
“I thought you might say that. But the thing is, I don’t believe you.”
Dammit. She was too perceptive.
“Just because I was capable of being sweet last night—”
“Why do you do this to yourself? You won’t even give it a chance.”
He gripped the steering wheel even harder. Honestly, it was a miracle he hadn’t broken the damn thing. Too bad there weren’t any other miracles in his life.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“And why do you think you’ll hurt me?”
“I have a history. Trust me, you don’t want to be with me.”
“What did you do to your ex-fiancée?”
Zach remembered the time he’d gone to Sheri’s apartment with boxes of her things, including all the clothes from her drawer in his dresser. She’d opened the door for him, and then she’d collapsed on the couch, as though simply getting up to open the door was too much effort for her. She’d looked gaunt and pale, and there was an enormous pile of used tissue on the coffee table.
And he was the one who’d done that to her.
“Well, I ended the engagement,” he said. “As you know.”
“Did you cheat on her, maybe with her best friend? Throw her over in front of her entire family at the engagement party?”
“I told her she should marry someone who loved her, and that man wasn’t me. Not anymore.” Actually, he didn’t think he’d ever truly loved her. It was more that he’d wanted to love her, wanted to be able to make a relationship work. But he couldn’t. “And she was heartbroken and totally lost it. Stopped leaving her apartment, even to go to work. That sort of thing.”
“What happened to her? Is she married now?”
“I have no idea.” He could ask someone, but he was too scared to learn the truth. Yes, last he’d heard, two years after he’d dumped her, she’d finally start to put her life back in order. But he was still afraid that he might learn she’d never completely moved on.
They drove in silence for a while, the wind whipping the snow across the road—not the nicest winter day. It suited his emotional state just fine.
“So maybe you’ll hurt me,” Elise said quietly.
“I am hurting you.”
“Yeah, you are. Though I think you’re doing it just to prove your point.” She paused. “But I wasn’t talking about now. I mean…if we dated for a while, and you dumped me and broke my heart. Yes, that might hurt a lot. But I could take it. It might be awful, but I’d cope.”
“I don’t know if I could. Not again.”
“You’re sensitive,” she said. “And I like that. However, coupled with an exaggerated sense of responsibility for other people’s lives and feelings—”
“You sound like a goddamn therapist.”
“I’ve spent a lot of time in a psychologist’s office, yes.”
“No one takes enough responsibility for things these days.”
“Perhaps not, but you can’t take responsibility for things you have no control over. You couldn’t control what your ex did after you broke up.”
“We’re not talking about this anymore.” He couldn’t believe he still had three more hours alone in the car with Elise. This was torture. “We had one night together. It was a great night, but now it’s over. End of story.”
“And last night you believed—”
“Yeah, it was stupid,” he said.
“And this morning?”
“I was just using you to forget about everything.”
She sighed. “Not even my parents loved me,” she said, shaking her head. “Brit clings to anyone who shows her affection, and I understand why she does it. Me—I’ve just avoided relationships, thinking no one would ever love me.”
“Don’t say that.” He hated for her to believe that was true.
“But over time, I’ve come to think you do care about me. What you’re doing right now, it hurts a lot. Because it’s like proof I can’t be loved.”
She was wrong. The problem was with him, not her. He knew she could be loved—of course she could be. But he couldn’t give that to her, couldn’t give her what she deserved. He’d failed to love the woman he’d planned to marry. It just wasn’t something he was capable of.
“I do care about you,” he admitted. “Far too much to subject you to me.”
She exhaled loudly. “Fine. I give up. Go back to your punching bag.”
Yeah, he’d be doing a lot of that when he got home.
»»•««
He pulled up in front of her building at three. He was going to say goodbye and watch her walk away. Usually this was no big deal for him, but there was no pretending Elise hadn’t gotten to him in a big way.
She turned to him and said, “I know you’re going through a tough time right now. I wish you’d let me be there for you. If you change your mind…”
He brought his lips to hers and kissed her slowly, reverently, drinking her in. She felt so perfect in his arms—too perfect.
“Goodbye,” he said, pulling back.
&nb
sp; She looked at him for a long time, and she reached out a hand to cup his cheek.
“I love you,” she said softly, her voice a little unsteady. “I know you don’t feel the same way. But I still love you.”
And then she was gone.
Chapter Twelve
Zach had been home all of two minutes—he hadn’t even made it to the basement—when his phone rang. Darren & Tracey. He still needed to change the contact name.
“Zach?” said a young voice.
“Hi, Maddie.”
“Sorry to bother you.” She sounded too grown-up. “But something is wrong with Mommy.”
Zach felt like his heart had fallen through his chest and out the bottom of his stomach. No, no, no. Please, no.
“What happened?” he asked, trying to be calm. He walked back to the front door and started putting on his boots.
“She told me to make a peanut butter sandwich for snack.”
He stood up but didn’t pull out his jacket. “What else, sweetie?”
“That’s also what she told me to do for lunch. She’s been lying in bed all day. Yesterday she said she felt a cold coming on, but this doesn’t seem like a silly little cold.”
Zach exhaled with relief. Perhaps it was more than a “silly little cold,” but it didn’t sound as bad as he’d feared.
“Could I talk to her?” he asked.
“She said not to bother her unless it’s an emergency.”
“Okay. I’ll come over in half an hour.” He’d make dinner, put the kids to bed, and check on Tracey.
He stuffed some food and cold medication in a bag and got back in his car, stupidly wishing Elise was there to place a calming hand on his shoulder.
»»•««
Brit said she’d be over about eight, so Elise had lots of time to lose it and regain her composure. She’d managed to hold it together in the car, and she thought she’d let it all out and cry now.
But she was just numb.
That Zach believed he couldn’t have a relationship, almost like he thought he didn’t deserve one—it drove her mad. When he wasn’t trying to sabotage everything, he was such a kind and fun and caring man.
But she couldn’t expect someone else to change. She knew that all too well.
Perhaps part of this was just bad timing though. She believed there was such a thing, no matter what Rory said. If she’d met Zach before Darren’s death, maybe the way he saw himself—as his friend’s opposite—wouldn’t have been so immutable. Maybe his self-worth wouldn’t have been so low, believing as he did now that he should have died instead.
She could have been there for him. She wished she had been there. And she wished she could have met Darren.
It did no good to dwell on it, but she did know this: it would take a long time to get over Zach Adams. He was, after all, the only man she’d ever loved.
Elise changed into her pajamas and watched TV for an hour. Then she called Marissa.
“You know how on TV when a woman breaks up with her boyfriend, she eats ice cream out of the carton and her friends come over? A breakup party. I always wanted one of those.”
“Hold on a second,” Marissa said. “You’re not supposed to be excited about it. And what happ— ”
“But it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, right? Not that Zach was ever my boyfriend, but…”
“The weekend didn’t go well?”
“Saturday went well,” Elise said.
“You slept with him?”
“Yeah. And that was good.” Bit of an understatement, but whatever. No need to get into the details. “But today was a mess.”
“Assholes are the best in bed in my experience,” Marissa said. “Pity about that.”
Elise didn’t really want to think of Zach as an asshole. “So are you free now? Can you come over? I’ll tell you all about it then. But if you’re busy, that’s okay. It wasn’t even a real breakup and—”
“You were pretty smitten with him, though.”
“Yeah, I was,” Elise said. “I still am.”
»»•««
Marissa came over to Elise’s with Chinese takeout at six, and Jill came slightly later with ice cream.
“My sister will be here in a couple hours. She broke up with her boyfriend, and she’s moving in for a few weeks. So it’ll be a family breakup party.” Elise brought some plates and utensils to the table. “Let’s eat.”
“Now will you tell me what happened?” Marissa asked.
Funny, only twenty-four hours ago, Elise had been hurrying to the hotel with Zach. And now…
She gave her friends a brief account of her weekend.
“Usually at these things we’re supposed to say ‘good riddance’ and trash-talk the guy,” Jill said.
“But I don’t think that’s going to bring you any comfort,” Marissa said. “And I really don’t have the heart to trash-talk someone who just lost his best friend. Though he did do some jerkish things.”
Elise nodded. “Maybe he’ll change his mind.” She knew she was pathetic, but she couldn’t help it.
Marissa reached for the fried rice. “Don’t count on it. This is where we tell you that you’ll find someone better.”
“And I fully believe that,” Jill said.
Elise wasn’t convinced. She had a hard time imagining she’d find someone better than Zach. She remembered how perfect it felt when she was snuggled up against him and… How could she ever find something else so perfect? It didn’t seem possible.
“After we eat,” Jill said, “we’ll make you an online dating profile.”
“It’ll be so much more fun than making my own,” Marissa said. She and Jill exchanged conspiratorial glances.
“Brit would enjoy helping you.” Elise tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice. “Wait for her.”
She’d barely finished saying that when the phone rang. She pounced on it, hoping it was Zach.
It wasn’t. It was Brit.
Elise knew what her sister was going to say. She suppressed a groan.
“I’m not coming,” Brit said. “We worked things out, and he promised—”
“He’s not going to change.” It wouldn’t do any good to say this, but Elise needed to get it out. “He’s made promises like this before, and then… You’re going to tell me it’s different this time, aren’t you?” She walked to her bedroom and plopped down on the bed.
“What the hell would you know about men?” Brit snapped.
“Why do you think I was out of town this weekend?”
“You’ve got a boyfriend? Really?”
“No.” Elise sighed. “But I was out of town with a guy.”
“Seriously?”
She was a little hurt that Brit had trouble believing this. “Yeah. But it didn’t go so well. You were supposed to come over and eat ice cream out of the carton with me.”
Brit hesitated. “I could still come over for an hour or two.”
“No, no,” Elise said. “Don’t feel like you have to be here.” Seeing Brit would just make her angry. Angry that the two of them had failed to have functional relationships.
She got off the phone and returned to her friends. “My sister won’t leave her loser boyfriend. I think I need to get started on the ice cream.”
“Okay,” Jill said. “We’ll get started on your profile too.”
“Is he that bad?” Marissa asked.
“He expects her to put up with way too much shit. Including telling her she’s in an open relationship without giving her any choice in the matter. Don’t know if that’s included in his so-called promise to change.”
“I can relate,” Marissa said, shaking her head.
Elise went to the freezer. “He makes her do all the housework, and he’s just generally obnoxious and mean and—”
The phone rang. It was Brit again.
“I was supposed to tell you something else,” she said. “Corey and I want to get you a bike for your birthday. Are you free next
Saturday? His friend works at a bike shop, and we’ll take you to pick one out. And then maybe Corey can teach you because, unlike me, he’s actually been on a bike in the past ten years.”
“Okay,” Elise whispered. “That’s very nice of you.”
“I think we owe you,” Brit said casually. “Anyway, got to go. Lots of dishes to do.”
Elise wanted to ask if her boyfriend had ever cleaned a dish in his life. But that would just make her sister defensive.
Before bringing the ice cream over to the table, she shoved her skates to the back of the storage closet. Skating was over for now. Once the snow melted, she would learn how to ride a bike.
She would move on. She could do this.
»»•««
Although Ethan ran upstairs and loudly announced Zach’s arrival in front of his mom’s bedroom door, Zach didn’t see Tracey until he was helping Maddie read Ethan a bedtime story.
Tracey stood quietly at the door to Ethan’s bedroom for a couple minutes without her kids noticing, her face red and her blonde hair uncombed. She put a hand to her mouth—it looked like she was going to cry.
Zach’s heart squeezed. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to be. Darren should be here reading bedtime stories with his children, not Zach.
Tracey started to turn away, but Ethan finally saw her. He scrambled off the bed and ran to her.
“I made you a picture,” he said, gesturing to his dresser. “A get-well-soon picture.”
God, these kids were so cute.
Tracey came into the room and picked up the drawing.
“It’s a blue-and-red puppy,” he said proudly.
“I can see that. It’s very nice. Thank you, Ethan.” Her voice was a little hoarse. “Don’t worry, I’ll be all better in the morning.”
Maddie seemed skeptical. “If you’re sick, you should stay in bed.”
“I have to take you to school.”
“Zach can take us to school.”
Tracey looked at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll do it.”
She said goodnight to her children before disappearing again.
Once the kids were in bed, Zach read the paper in the kitchen, not quite sure what he should do now. He hoped Tracey would come down to talk to him.
Meet Me on the Ice Page 9
