by Haley Weir
But, as he looks at Ellen, he feels guilty. She’s been through so much already. Douglas feels selfish for thinking he could drag Ellen into his chaotic world. She deserves a life of peace and comfort, which isn’t something Douglas can guarantee. He’ll always have his bear, and his bear has needs, which are sometimes violent. How could he put all of that on Ellen? He wishes they could just continue to spend time together and Douglas could keep his personal issues to himself. But that isn’t realistic.
Ellen begins to speak, bringing Douglas back into the moment.
“I know it’s been chaotic,” Ellen says.
You have no idea, Douglas thinks to himself.
“But, I can’t keep going on like this. I deserve better. I deserve answers.” Ellen takes a deep sigh. “Are you cheating on me? Is there someone else?”
“I’ve told you. Of course not.”
“So then, what is it? Is it me? Can you not to stand to be around me?”
“Of course not. I only want to be around you.”
“Then, why doesn’t it feel that way?”
Douglas is silent.
“If you want this to work, you have to tell me right now, Douglas. You have to come clean. Whatever your secrets are, I promise I can handle it. I can handle a lot more than you’d think,” she says.
“I know. You’re incredibly strong. You’re strong, you’re smart, and you’re funny...and beautiful...”
“Douglas,” she cuts him off, staying firm. “We’re not doing this. You’re not going to charm me into forgetting why we came here to talk. I hate to do this, but you’ve given me no choice. If you can’t come clean, I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t deal with lies, and I can’t wait for you to decide when you feel like being honest with me.”
“Ellen, it’s not like that. It’s not about coming clean. It’s...it’s…” Douglas is at a loss for words.
“What is it, Douglas?” she demands an answer from him. But Douglas can’t possibly tell her who and what he is. At least, not now. Not yet. Not while he’s still struggling to control his bear. He can’t make her share a bed with a man who could be a bear when she wakes up. He won’t make her carry that burden.
“See? Nothing. You can’t even think of a good lie to cover up whatever it is you’re doing.”
“You’re right,” is all Douglas manages to say. They stop walking. Ellen looks Douglas in the eyes.
“This is it, then,” she confirms, praying tears don’t show up again for the third time this week. After Mitch, she told herself she wouldn’t waste anymore tears on men who don’t deserve them.
“It doesn’t have to be,” says Douglas. He can’t make up his mind: he can’t imagine being without her, but he refuses to share his secret. “Ellen, I’m begging you. I’m begging.” Now Ellen isn’t sure if Douglas is about to cry. His eyes are glossy and sad.
“You’re right, it doesn’t have to be. If you can explain to me what the hell is going on, then maybe we can work on it from there. But if you can’t, then I can’t. I can’t do the back and forth.”
“Okay,” says Douglas. “You’re right. This isn’t fair to you.”
For a moment, Ellen believes the ultimatum did the trick. She’s sure he’s going to come clean and that they can move on, and deal with Douglas’s baggage. But then, he begins to say goodbye.
“I’m sorry, Ellen, and I hope you believe me. I never wanted to hurt you. But there are parts of my life that are too dark and too dangerous to share with you. This isn’t what I want at all,” he explains, internally cursing whatever malevolent god made him the way that he is. His love life and his career, have been ruined by something he never asked for in the first place.
“I really wish we could be together, but I understand. Goodbye, Ellen. I won’t bother you anymore. If you’re ever thinking of me, you have my number. Maybe we’ll run into each other around town. I hope you find someone fantastic who treats you well and gives you everything you deserve,” Douglas says, fighting back tears.
Ellen feels like she’s been stabbed in the heart. Tears yet again begin to flow, and she wipes her eyes.
“Goodbye Douglas,” she says tearily. She starts to walk away, with a small glimmer of hope that he’s about to chase after her. But he doesn’t. He walks in the opposite direction, not looking back.
Chapter 20
Douglas stands at the counter at Point Peak Cafe where he’s meeting with owner and manager, Bruce. It isn’t his first choice to work at a bakery, but since his breakup with Ellen a few weeks ago, he wants to avoid another slump. Ethan and Blake encouraged him to get whatever job he can, just so he has some structure and routine. Douglas wonders if they really just don’t want to deal with him moping around the house all over again.
Catching his reflection in the pastry display case, Douglas notices how much he has let himself go in the past few weeks. His beard is grown beyond scruff at this point, as Douglas can’t be bothered to care for it. Without Ellen, he feels no motivation. He has no reason to hop out of bed, no one to talk to, or hike with, or walk around town with. Douglas wears the same t-shirt he’s been wearing for the past three days. Should he have cleaned himself up before coming in to inquire about employment? Probably, he concludes. But at the same time, Douglas is very apathetic about the position. He really is only going because of the pressure from his brothers. But he also isn’t sure that working on the same block as Ellen would be a good move.
Bruce comes from around the counter and invites Douglas to sit down with him for a quick chat.
“I’m Douglas,” he introduces himself. “I’m...friends with Ellen.” Friends. An overstatement.
“Nice to meet you, Douglas. Yes, we love Ellen. Management only ever has great things to say about her,” Bruce responds cheerfully.
“Yeah, she’s great,” Douglas replies distantly.
“So, tell me about yourself. Do you have any baking experience?”
“Nope,” Douglas says curtly.
“Okay, what about cashier? Or bussing?”
“No, sorry. I’m a police officer, actually. I was, at least. I’m hoping to get back into the field eventually, but I’m looking for something to hold me over in the meantime.”
“I see,” Bruce says thoughtfully. “Listen, you seem like a competent enough guy, but I don’t know if this is the place for you.”
Douglas feels relieved for a moment.
“However, I think you could help me out in another way.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m worried about security lately. There have been more robberies in Blue Ridge this summer than ever before. I heard a rumor that a string of muggings even took place a few weeks ago. It’s teenagers, probably.”
“You’re kidding me,” Douglas responds. He wonders if Ellen was the final victim before Douglas took care of the attacker. He can only hope that the guy disappeared forever, the bear enough of a threat to keep him away from town and the people who inhabit it.
“Wish I were,” says Bruce. “Anyway, what do you think about a security position? It would involved just kind of canvassing my restaurants, keeping tabs. Nothing too intense. Plus, all my stores are closed by 8 p.m. the latest, so you’ll have to be able to offer me daytime hours.”
Douglas smiles for the first time in weeks. “I can do that.”
“Wonderful. There’s a few details we have to work out and I’ll have to run a background check, have you sign some paperwork, the regular stuff.”
“That all sounds fine. Are you interviewing other candidates?”
“No, I pretty much designed this position with you in mind, if I’m being honest. When Ellen told me about you, she spoke quite highly of you.”
“Really?” asks Douglas.
“Yeah, a few weeks ago. She said she met a great guy, a super qualified police officer. Told me you probably wouldn’t be much of a baker, but gave me the idea that we could organize some light security for my businesses.”
The weight on Do
uglas’s chest is nearly suffocating. Even though they had just met, Ellen had been trying to help him. She never once pressured him to find a job, or told him what to do. Douglas kicks himself for wondering if she could’ve handled his secret. It seems more and more apparent that she’s not judgemental. She’s patient and caring, and he let her go.
“You okay there, pal?” asks Bruce, noticing that Douglas’s mind is clearly somewhere else.
“Yeah, I’m great, thanks. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I’m looking forward to discussing the position further,” he responds. The last thing he can think about right now is work. His mind is consumed with thoughts of Ellen. The sound of her addicting laugh and the image of her twirling her long red hair around her finger are running on a continuous loop in his mind.
Bruce and Douglas shake hands and say their goodbyes. Douglas heads out of the shop, feeling lost. He’s amped with adrenaline and the prospect of a new job on the horizon. However, his heart feels heavy in his chest as he thinks about the woman he let get away. He wonders if he’s blown all of his chances, or if she’d be willing to hear him out. Like a mirage, she appears in the distance.
Her breathtaking look is unmistakable. Her red hair is pulled up in a ponytail, the way it was during their hike that now feels like ages ago. She’s walking with another man. It’s only been a few weeks, but then again, what did he expect? She deserves to find happiness. As someone so sweet, thoughtful, funny, and beautiful, it was only a matter of time before she realized she can do better than Douglas.
Douglas’s heart is pounding rapidly and he feels like his head is going to explode. Then he feels it start to happen. The beast within is awakened. In broad daylight in front of Ellen, and not to mention his new place of employment, Douglas is about to shift. In a panic, he starts to run. He darts past Ellen, who looks like she is trying to say something to him but he darts by so quickly that he doesn’t hear her. Reaching the edge of town, Douglas stops to catch his breath. Panting, he slows his heart rate and feels his bear begin to settle. He rarely is able to control himself, but the truth of his situation is starting to dawn on him. There’s a missing key, something that can both trigger and calm his animal instincts. It’s too bad for him that she’s no longer a part of his life.
Chapter 21
The days since her breakup haven’t gotten much easier for Ellen. The last thing she wants for herself is to go through the emotional turmoil of yet another love lost. This time, she promises herself she’ll be stronger. She continues her job at the coffee shop, half hoping that Douglas will appear during her shift and half dreading the thought.
Ellen and Chris walk through town, sipping freshly squeezed lemonade. The drink provides them both with delicious relief on the sweltering hot summer day.
“Isn’t it a shame that you and I can’t just suck it up and date?” Chris teases Ellen.
“Gross,” says Ellen. “I can’t think of you like that. You’re like the brother I never had..”
“If I had a dollar for every girl who used that line on me…”
“Shut up,” protests Ellen. “You know I actually mean it.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Chris says. “So, if it’s okay for me to bring it up-- have you heard from Douglas lately?”
“No, not at all actually. I mean, I did tell him to leave me alone.”
“Yeah, but all guys know when a girl says to leave them alone, they don’t really mean it.”
“Is that really what you think?”
“I’m just saying, if I’m really into a girl and she tells me to leave her alone, I’m still going to send her a text or something. Yaknow, try to check in and see how she’s doing. More often than not, she’ll answer because she’s thinking about me, too.”
“Of course I wish he would text me. But...then what? We meet, catch up, and just become friends? We were never friends. I can’t see a friendship starting now.”
“Good point,” admits Chris. “I don’t know. I just would love to know what the guy’s big secret is.”
“You’re telling me,” Ellen cries. “He’s cheating. Or he’s in the witness protection program. Maybe he’s divorced and has kids he doesn’t want me to know about. I don’t know. I also just don’t understand. Our connection...just felt so right. I thought he felt it, too. But, if he can’t trust me with whatever he has going on, then I must have been imagining it.”
“Speaking of imagining things, do you see that? There’s a guy in, like, a full sprint. I noticed him look at us before when he was standing outside of the bakery…”
Ellen looks up to see someone tall with dark curly hair running quickly in her direction. It’s Douglas. Her heart skips a beat. First, she’s worried. Is he being chased? Is it the mugger from a few weeks ago? Or perhaps worse- is it the bear? A few passersby turn their heads to look at the running man, but no one seems phased. Ellen watches him, green eyes wide with anticipation. Is he coming for her? As he passes by, Ellen calls out.
“Douglas?” she says, but he’s moving too quickly and doesn’t hear her.
Then, Douglas is gone.
“What the….that….that guy is Douglas?” Chris asks, bewildered.
“Yeah,” responds Ellen, her face tense. “I’m not sure what’s going on. I need to sit down.” She’s so shaken by the experience that she feels her knees buckling. With the summer sun beating down on her, she suddenly feels nauseous, the lemonade nearly making her gag. She tosses her cup in the trash and sits on the nearest bench in the shade.
“Are you okay?” Chris asks. “What just happened?”
“Great question,” Ellen replies. “I’m fine. I’m okay. I just didn’t expect to see him,
especially not like...that.”
“Ellen, that guy is not okay. He’s a junkie,” Chris says confidently.
“No way,” Ellen refuses to believe that would be the reason for his secrecy.
“I mean, didn’t you say he is an ex cop? And you still don’t know why? I’m going to guess drug use, Ellen. Drug use is why.”
“There’s just no way,” Ellen says. But then again, how can she be certain? He made it clear that his secrets were best left that way for her own safety.
“Wouldn’t I have recognized the signs?” Ellen wonders out loud.
“Not necessarily,” Chris argues. “I don’t know. I mean, maybe he isn’t a junkie. Maybe he’s dealing with mental illness.”
“It’s possible.”
“Maybe he’s working on getting better and just didn’t want to burden you with the whole process.”
“Maybe. Ugh. I wish I knew. We really had something, Chris. We were connected. I guess that sounds cheesy, but when we were together, it was just...right. What wouldn’t he be able to talk to me about? I’ve only ever been supportive, nonjudgmental…” she begins. She feels a lump growing in the back of her throat.
“Ellen, it’s not you. You have to know that. It was never you. You’re a great, loving, wonderful person and he’s an idiot for not appreciating that. Forget him and move on,” Chris suggests.
“Thanks, Chris. I just wish you could feel what I feel...what I felt...with him. Like, to really understand. There was something there.”
“So like...love?” Chris raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t know,” Ellen shrugs, tears on the brink of spilling down her cheeks. “I need to talk to him.”
“No, you don’t,” Chris says. “You just saw him. He’s clearly going through something. You gave him an ultimatum, and he didn’t go for it. He doesn’t deserve your concern.”
Ellen sighs. “Can we just go home?” The vision of Douglas running in a frenzy, looking disheveled and haunted was replaying in her mind over and over.
Chapter 22
Ellen lays in bed, staring at her phone. Her eyelids are as heavy as her heart, but she can’t get any sleep. When she closes her eyes, all she can see is Douglas. After her breakup with Mitch, she was absolutely shaken. But she knew that it would be for the best. He was a p
arasite. But Douglas is different, and she’s known that from the very beginning. She never planned to date so soon after Mitch, but Douglas made her feel safe and comfortable. To have him so quickly come in and out of her life has left her distraught, especially after seeing him earlier that day.
Her phone lets her know it’s 2:47 A.M. She opens up a new text and begins to type. Chris’s words echo in her mind. Forget him. But she can’t forget him. No matter how much she wishes that she could let him go and move in, she feels empty without him.
Are you okay? she texts Douglas. She feels that message alone isn’t enough.
I don’t know if you saw me today, but I saw you. What’s going on with you? she sends in quick succession.
She can’t imagine that this is all it will take to motivate Douglas to fill her in. Afterall, secrecy is what tore them apart in the first place. She types out another message.
I know I told you to leave me alone but I’m worried about you, she sends.
Laying on her back, she closes her eyes knowing it was useless. She won’t be getting any sleep with Douglas on her mind. She knows she should just put her phone down and try to focus on something else, but she feels a glimmer of hope that she’ll get a text back.
Suddenly, it’s the next morning. Ellen opens her eyes to the sun lighting up her room through her blinds. She checks her phone immediately. No text messages. Her heart sinks, but she gets out of bed to start getting ready for work. As she brushes her teeth, she sends another text. She’s never texted someone this aggressively, but she’s too concerned about his well being to care. Composing yet another message, Ellen throws on her work clothes and tosses her hair into a messy bun.
Please just let me know if you’re okay or not. I promise I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, I just need some peace of mind. She hits send.
The day seems to never end. Ellen goes through the motions, sleepy and distracted. She takes orders, brings them to her customers, mindlessly engages in small talk, and wipes down the counter, all while checking her phone every few minutes for a text from Douglas. Nothing comes.
