by Blake, Penny
“Why don’t you just tell him?” I ask. “Tell him the truth and let him get on with his life.”
She continues staring down at her feet. “Because I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know if I’m ready to lose him yet. I’m just confused right now.” She looks up meets my eyes. “Are you going to tell him?”
I shrug. “I’d rather not. But I’m not going to lie for you anymore, April. I can’t.”
She nods. “I respect that. Goodnight.” And she shuts the door with a soft click.
Chapter 23
Heartache
For the next two weeks, barely a day goes by that Rio and I aren’t intimate. Today he’s lying naked on my bed with his arms folded behind his head. Tan and heavily muscled with an enormous erection springing from the neat patch of black hair between his legs, he looks absolutely obscene on my crisp white sheets.
“Turn around, let me see that ass,” he demands coolly.
I told him about my lingerie collection when we were working out earlier that day. He got a hungry gleam in his eyes, then told me he’d be over after his own training session at the boxing gym. Now I’m putting on a little fashion show for him. At the moment, I’m wearing a sheer red nightie with no underwear.
“Nice,” he says as I turn my back to him. “Now bend over and touch your toes. Let me see those sweet pussy lips.”
I bend over as he instructs, lifting my butt high in the air and enjoying his low hum of appreciation.
“Turn around,” he says, and when I do, he has one hand behind his head and the other one is holding his swollen cock. He looks regal and wicked, and when I’m close enough to touch, he grabs my hand and pulls me on top of him
He’s fresh from the gym, and the heady smell of pheromones hits me like a drug. “You smell so good,” I sigh.
“Really? I was about to apologize for not showering.”
“No, I love it,” I say, kissing his neck and enjoying the taste of salty male sweat. He pulls my nighty over my head and tosses it on the floor, then rolls out from under me.
“Stay there a minute,” he says in a low voice, “There’s something I want to do to you.”
He digs in his gym bag and comes back with what I recognize to be hand wraps. He unrolls them, long strips of black fabric that he wraps around his fists to keep them protected underneath his boxing gloves.
“I sense where you might be going with this,” I say with a smile.
“Shhh.” He takes my ankle and wraps the fabric around it, then ties it securely. Next he guides my arm down to my ankle, and ties the strap so my wrist and ankle are bound together. He quickly does the same thing to the other side of my body, and before I know it, I’m spread eagle on the bed, unable to move my arms or close my legs.
“I don’t know if I like this,” I say.
“Oh, you’re gonna love it,” he says, then his face is buried between my legs.
Rio clearly loves going down on a woman, which takes center stage in his sexual repertoire. It’s something he does often and amazingly well, and the best part is how much he enjoys it. As he’s teasing and suckling, sending the most amazing sensations spiraling through my body, he makes small moans of delight.
I pull at the restraints that keep me spread wide open before him, but my motion is severely limited. I can’t close my legs, can’t move my arms. All I can do is lay there and accept the intense pleasure he’s giving me with his tongue and fingers.
His fingers dance over my folds while he tongues me soft and slow. The pace and pressure ebbs and flows, the pleasure so intense I feel like I’m drifting in and out of my body. I tug at the bindings, feeling them bite into my skin. Knowing I’m completely as his mercy makes the whole thing even hotter, and soon I feel an orgasm cresting.
I’m helpless as it rises and breaks over me, tearing a loud, long series of cries from my throat and making my body buck and thrash.
When it recedes, I lay there panting as he continues his gentle ministrations. “Please stop. Rio, I can’t take it anymore.”
I look down at him but he just grins devilishly and returns to my sex, lapping at me ever so softly.
“Please, Rio. It’s too much—I can’t take any more.” I struggle against my bonds, for real this time, but I’m unable to close my legs or wriggle away from him. Soon I give up and surrender to the gentle strokes of his tongue. And before long my pleasure is rising again.
After I come for the third time, I lay there spent and boneless, my wrists still bound to my ankles. Rio prowls over me with an intense look in his eyes. “I love your pussy, you know that?” he says as he pushes a lock of sweat dampened hair off my face. “Love the way you taste. The way you smell. The way you feel when you come in my mouth.”
I’m too depleted to utter a reply, and can only lay there trying to catch my breath as he eases himself into me. He’s impossibly hard, but I’m so wet that he glides into me with ease. My body seems to have grown accustomed to his size, and all I feel is bliss as he slowly pushes into me.
He dips his head and draws my nipple into my mouth, suckling it and pinching the other as he flexes his hips into me. Again and again and again, stoking my pleasure higher.
Then his mouth finds mine and he kisses me deeply, moaning against my lips as he pumps into me at a steady rhythm. Each time he fills me, I feel like he’s staking his claim on my body. My heart. Everything I am.
Like he’s imprinting himself on me forever, or taking some essential part of me—I don’t know which. All I know is that he’s making me his in some primal, unalterable way.
After what feels like hours, his thrusts grow more frenzied, his breathing heavier. He closes his eyes, presses his forehead against mine and I feel him drain himself into me, a look of pain mixed with pleasure twisting his beautiful face.
When his cock stops pulsing and his body grows limp, he kisses me once more before rolling off and unfastening my restrains. Then we lay together completely spent. Limbs entangled, our hands stroking and caressing each other in contented silence.
I feel completely wrung out, in a kind of dreamstate brought on by excessive orgasms and all my senses being overloaded by the delectable feel of his body against mine.
Sex was never like this before. Never this good.
Life was never this good before Rio.
From the moment we met, he changed everything.
The way I look. The way I feel. The person I know myself to be.
I sigh happily and rub my hand over his massive shoulder. “I love you,” I whisper on a sigh.
I’m met with silence, but I’m too relaxed to worry about it. I glance over at Rio to see if he’s fallen asleep, and I realize he hasn’t. There’s a faraway look in his eyes, and his jaw ticks.
A few minutes later he rolls over and puts his feet to the floor, then I hear him putting on his clothes.
I lean up on an elbow and watch him pull on his gym shorts. “Going somewhere?” I ask with a smile.
“Yeah, I’ve got a practice fight tomorrow so…I need to go home and get a good night sleep.”
“You can sleep here,” I say, expecting him to say something flirty about how neither of us would get any sleep if we spent the night together. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything at all. Just pulls his t-shirt on over his head, then grabs his hand wraps off the floor and stuffs them into his gym bag.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, I just need to get going.” He grabs his gym bag. “Early day tomorrow and all that.” He reaches over and tousles my hair. “See you later, December. Have a good one.” Then he walks out of my bedroom and a minute later, I hear the front door shut.
I lay there confused and bewildered. And then I start to feel really sad. Did he really just tell me to have a good one? I remember him telling me about his multiple fuck buddies, and I imagine that he must’ve said goodbye to them the same way. And for the first time, I feel un-special. Like I’m just one of many to enjoy his gorgeous body and
sexual expertise, but nothing more.
Nothing more.
I remember wanting a fling with Rio, and knowing I’d be okay with it, okay with being nothing more. But now I’ve gotten exactly what I wanted, and my heart is breaking.
I pull the covers up to my chin, feeling dirty and used and discarded—and embarrassed at how much I’d exposed to him. How vulnerable I’d allowed myself to be, letting myself go and showing him everything. Doing things I never would have imagined doing with anyone, and doing them with complete trust and reckless abandon. Things that made me euphoric while they were happening, but now make me feel the exact opposite.
I need to get out of this bed. It smells like him and it’s making my heart ache.
I pull on sweats and drag my comforter out to the living room, where I sit on the couch without turning on the lights. Sitting alone in the dark for a long time, I replay the way Rio left in my mind, starting with the moment I told him I loved him and ending with the thump of the front door closing, in a long endless loop.
I hate myself for loving him, for telling him that I love him like some silly romantic idiot. And I hate him even more for not loving me back.
Chapter 24
Unworthy
As it happens, I don’t have a training session with Rio for another two days. I didn’t hear from him the day after he left, and I can’t stand the thought of going through our next session at the gym acting as if something weird and confusing didn’t just happen. So after giving him a day to get his head together, I drive over to his apartment.
Never being one for games, I need to know where we stand.
When he answers the door, he looks surprised to see me. “Ember, what are you doing here?” He doesn’t invite me in, and for a minute I wonder if he has another girl over.
“Can we talk?” I ask sadly, crossing my arms.
“Anything for you, December,” he says. He opens the door and I see that the TV is turned to an episode of The Real Housewives. He quickly shuts it off, then sits on the couch. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Us.” I sit on the other end, putting a safe distance between us. “I need to know where we stand. I felt really bad after the way you left the other night, and I just…I need to know what I mean to you. Am I just another fuck buddy or am I something more?”
“Of course you’re something more. You’ve always been very special to me—“
“You know what I mean, Rio. Do you see me as some chick you’re banging, or as your girlfriend?”
He looks at me squarely, then says, “Honestly?”
“Yes, please be honest. It doesn’t need to be nice or what I want to hear. It just needs to be true.”
He stares at me for a long moment, as if I’m an interesting piece of fruit he’s inspecting. “You’re not just some chick I’m banging. I care about you more than I want to admit, even to myself.” My heart soars. “But I don’t do girlfriends. Not now, not ever.”
My heart isn’t quite soaring anymore, but it hasn’t sunk yet. Instead it teeters on the edge of a precipice, unsure which way to go.
“What do you mean you ‘don’t do girlfriends’? What are we then?”
As if answering my question, his cell phone pings on the coffee table. It’s closer to me, and when I glance at it, I see a photo of a woman’s cleavage pop up. No face, no body, just cleavage in a leopard print bra.
I grab it and see that Cleavage’s name is Carmella, and there’s an incoming text from her:
C U 2nite baby. Been missing that big dick of yours…and that talented tongue. Xoxo
And then my heart plummets. I feel the sensation of the ground being ripped out from underneath me, and I’m falling. My stomach drops and all I can hear is the sound of blood rushing in my ears. Then it’s as if all the wind is knocked out of me and I can’t breathe.
I hand the phone to Rio with a shaking hand. He gives the message a cursory look, then sets the phone back down on the coffee table.
After a minute, he leans over and puts his hand on my knee.
I push it away. “So I guess this means we’re not exclusive. You and your talented tongue are still on the prowl.” I hear a weird, high-pitched laugh come out of my mouth. “Funny because I just assumed we were exclusive. I figured after everything we shared, you wouldn’t have any desire to run around with skanks.” I laugh again, but stop when it threatens to turn into tears. “I’m such an idiot.”
“No you’re not. This is my fault. I knew this was going to happen—“
“Of course you did. You even warned me. You said you were bad news and that you would cause me a whole world of hurt. And you were right—you were so right. Why didn’t I listen?” A big gasping sob escapes me and I bury my head in my hands so he can’t see me cry.
“God damn it, I’m such an asshole!” he says. “I knew this would happen. I knew you’d want more. You’re a sweet, loving girl, December. You have so much love to give, and I knew you’d want to give it to me if we started fucking.”
“Stop saying that! I used to think it was so hot when you said that you were going to fuck me, but now it’s disgusting, because that’s all I ever was to you. Just a fuck. And man did you fuck me.” I slap the spot over my heart. “You fucked me over so fucking hard.”
He takes my hands in his, holding them tight so I can’t pull away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. It kills me to see you crying and know I’m the one who caused it. I’d rather take this pain on myself a thousand times over than make you feel this way. But I don’t want to lie to you. I don’t want to lead you on or make promises I don’t intend to keep.”
I bury my head in my hands again and let out a few big sobs, then try to press my sorrow back, taking a deep, gasping breath.
“I’m sorry, December,” he says softly. “I can’t give you what you need.”
We sit in silence for a few moments. When I look at him, he’s staring miserably at his empty hands. The despair in his eyes surprises me, and gives me hope.
“I don’t believe you,” I say, standing up to pace and collect my thoughts. “Here’s what I think.” My nose is stuffed up, but my voice is strong and steady. “I think that what I’ve been feeling for you is real, and you feel it too. You just don’t want to admit it because it scares the hell out of you. I think you’re royally screwed up from your past. You’re afraid to get too close to anyone because you might lose them, or maybe—maybe you even think you’re like you’re father, and that you’re not worthy of someone loving you.
You told me once that you’re a bad guy. But you know what I see? I see a guy who mentors little kids in the Big Brothers program because you want them to have a chance. I see a guy who found a dying cat by a garbage can and nursed it back to health and gave it a home. And I see a guy who met a fat chick at a gym who was so sad, and so alone, and you cared enough to make her—me—the best possible version of myself. And I am so grateful to you, Rio. Now I want to help you be the best version of yourself, because I know in my heart that you’re a great person, and a great man, and that we would be even better together. Don’t you feel it too?”
I wipe the tears off my cheeks and wait for Rio to respond. But he just continues to look down at his empty hands, a dead look in his eyes.
“If you’ll have me, I’d love to be your girlfriend. But I need you to tell Carmella and any other chicks you’re still talking to to buzz off.” I gesture at the phone on the table. “Because no matter what your issues are, I deserve that. I’m worthy of being someone’s one and only, and I can’t settle for anything less. And even if you can’t bring yourself to tell me you love me now, I need to know that you can…someday.” I sniff and wipe my eyes, but he doesn’t move.
Finally he looks up and meets my gaze, but his eyes are filled with sorrow. ”I’m sorry, December.” He shakes his head. “You deserve better than this, better than me.”
“Then be better, Rio. Please…”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
<
br /> “Because I’m not ready, and I never will be.” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “You’re wasting your time, December. Go home and forget any of this ever happened. We made a mistake, that’s all. I can’t pretend this is something it’s not. Not even for you.’”
***
The pain I feel on the drive home from is somehow even more excruciating than what I felt after being dumped at the altar. It’s sharper, heavier and more crushing. Maybe it’s because my relationship with Rio has been so hard and fast and intense. Both the high of being with him, and now the aftermath. Or maybe it’s because he was my second chance at love. He’d come into my life after I’d been utterly destroyed, and he made me hope again. Helped me patch up heart my shattered heart only to crush it even worse, the damage now irreparable.
