by Ashlee Sinn
“Stop! Please!” Mariah jumped in front of me, arms up and blocking my path to the female lynx that had attacked me. “Please don’t do this! You’ll regret it,” she whispered.
That stopped me cold. How could she possible know how I felt? How we felt? We’d been attacked in our own territory and we had every right to take revenge. We growled at Mariah.
“Stop it, Donovan!” Mariah reached up and smacked the side of my head.
Stunned, I took a step back. What the fuck? Had she just hit me? Why would she do such a thing? But as I was deciding whether or not to be pissed or proud, my lion immediately submitted. All those years being controlled and beaten had not left his psyche. A slap in the face meant he’d gone too far. And without complaint, he retreated inside of me and gave himself over to the human.
By the time I’d shifted back, the four lynxes had as well. Max and Rhys were ushering their naked bodies out of the camp while a handful of others hastily packed their gear and tossed it into the woods behind them. I faintly heard Rhys warning the four about ever returning here, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Mariah.
“You hit me,” I said.
“You were losing it.”
“I was fine.”
She stepped forward and reached up toward my scarred cheek, but dropped her hand when I flinched. Her face fell in disappointment. “I thought I was helping,” she whispered.
“If you want to help, you’ll stay away from me,” I growled.
Tears filled her eyes and I hated the way my stomach twisted in pain. “Why? I don’t understand, Donovan. Last night was—”
“Last night was a mistake,” I cut in. Jumping forward, I grabbed her shoulders and held her tight. “I’m no good for you, Mariah. You should go back to Nenana and mate with a coyote.”
“What?” she whispered on her trembling lips.
“I’m broken, Mariah. I am not the man you think I am and I’m sorry for misleading you.” She yanked her arms out of my grasp and rubbed at her eyes. Dammit to hell. I hated hurting her but I couldn’t lie. I loved our time together last night, but telling her that wouldn’t help either of us. It pained me to walk away, but that’s exactly what had to be done.
As I grabbed the shredded pieces of my clothing and stomped back toward my cabin, it took a lot of concentration not to turn around and look at her. At Mariah. At the only woman to ever capture my heart and the only woman I had to let go. I heard her crying softly as the others joined her side. Rhys and Max offered her some coffee and started to guide her to their cabins on the opposite side of the property.
Fuck them. Mariah wasn’t mine to be jealous over, but I sure as hell wouldn’t watch as they swooped in and made everything okay.
I kicked open the door to my cabin before remembering that I still had some kind of animal shit smeared on my foot. Stomping down the three little steps, I walked to the side of my building and turned on the outside faucet. It took a moment to get flowing, probably due to it being the first time all winter I’d used it. The chilled water helped suck some of the anger out of me. It also brought back memories of my days in the cages, being sprayed with a hose until I submitted, and that only helped to verify the fact that Mariah was too good for me.
I was a broken, damaged lion with a shitload of dark history. I couldn’t provide for her. I couldn’t provide for anyone, including myself.
As I finished cleaning off my foot and walked into my cabin, trying not to pay attention to all the transient shifters staring at me, I let out the sigh I’d been holding in. It was a sigh of revelation and acceptance.
I wasn’t meant to have Mariah.
I was destined to be alone.
I’d never felt so crushed. Despite the boyfriends and breakups in my past, not a single one of them had hurt as bad as losing Donovan before I even really had a chance to make him mine. There was something about him that my coyote loved—perhaps his strength and dominance, or maybe it was the way we felt like kindred spirits of sorts. Two misfits stumbling through life, trying to find their place in the world.
Max, who I’d met the night of the panther attack, didn’t say much as I followed him toward his cabin. Rhys, the ex-alpha wolf, walked slowly behind me, also seemingly uncomfortable at being around a crying girl. It was almost laughable to see their tension, yet I was appreciative of their offer to help me deal with Donovan’s rejection.
Max held open the red door to his cabin and ushered us inside. While it had looked old on the outside, he had completely redone the interior. It was a small, one-room place but with a functioning kitchen, fireplace, and bathroom tucked away in the corner. A large, king-sized bed took up the northern half of the space, and I smiled at the way it was perfectly made up.
“Max likes order,” Rhys said when he caught me looking at the bed.
“There’s nothing wrong with order,” Max grunted. He started the gas stove and began heating up a teapot. “Order is how we survive.”
Rhys chuckled under his breath as I tried to figure out what Max might have meant by that statement. But before I could question him, he started grilling me. “I thought you were in Anchorage,” Max asked.
“I…I was.” Trying to figure out how he would have known that, I shook my head.
“Your father told me,” Max explained. “I’ve had some…business to take care of in his territory and it required a meeting.”
“Oh,” I whispered. “How is he?”
Max gave me a look that said I was a bad daughter for not talking to my own father. But he answered anyway. “He seems well.”
“That’s good.”
“So, let’s talk about the elephant in the room,” Rhys cut in. He sat at the small wood table in the kitchen area and propped his feet up on the chair next to him. Then he tapped the other one and gestured for me to sit down. Clad in just a tee shirt and jeans, I could see the tattoo spreading out from underneath the collar of his shirt and wondered what it was. “Donovan is an asshole.”
“Rhys,” Max chided. “He’s not.”
“No, he is,” Rhys said with a smile. “But he’s trainable.”
“Trainable?” I asked.
“Rhys, don’t,” Max warned. “It’s not our story to tell.”
Rhys knocked the hair out of his face and gave his friend a look. “Donovan doesn’t know what’s best for him. She’s here and he wants her. Why not help him out?”
“What are you talking about?” I swiveled in my chair to look at Max, hoping he’d be straight with me.
“I’ve known Donovan for several years now,” he started. “And not once have I heard him talk about a woman until he met you.”
“Really?” I couldn’t stop my racing heartbeat.
“Yeah,” Rhys chuckled. “Mariah this and Mariah that. It was all he would say after that night in Nenana.” He focused on Max. “That’s why we should tell her.”
“Tell me what?”
Rhys wiggled his eyebrows at Max and waited until the panther gave in. As Max prepped some hand-ground coffee, Rhys started his story. “Do you know anything about Donovan’s past?”
“I know he’s a lion and that’s about it.”
“Well, how many lion shifters do you know?”
“None.”
“Exactly.” Rhys clicked his tongue liked he’d just revealed something important. “They aren’t very common anymore.”
“Anymore?” That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returned. I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear.
“Yeah, between the circus and the underground fight clubs, most of the lion shifters have died out or are spending the rest of their years hiding.”
“Milk or sugar?” Max asked, yanking me for the horrible visions starting to fill my head.
“Both, please.” Turning back to Rhys, I asked, “And you’re telling me Donovan was a part of this?”
“Four generations of his family were. They started them off in the circus and then the strong males would be forced to fight i
n the secret clubs for money. Word on the street is that Donovan had been fighting since he was ten.”
“Ten?”
Rhys nodded and grabbed the mug Max had just placed in front of him. Max gave him a look and then continued the story. “Donovan’s parents were born and raised in the circus. As performers.”
“Wait, did they perform as humans or as lions?”
“Lions,” Max answered.
“So, the circus…they knew about shifters?”
“Yes,” Max said with a nod. “And they used that against them. Threatening to reveal their secret should they try to escape or misbehave.”
“I had no idea,” I whispered. How horrible that must have been. Forced to perform as an animal and then treated like one the rest of the time. My days being raised in the coyote pack didn’t seem so bad anymore. The guilt started to eat me up on the inside—my life had been amazing compared to his.
“Donovan was strong. And rebellious. He was constantly being punished for acting out,” Max continued.
“Wait,” I interrupted. “How do you know this?”
“I have sources,” Max said cryptically.
“Donovan was a legend in the fight clubs,” Rhys said proudly. “He made a lot of people very rich.”
“From fighting? Fighting what?”
“Other shifters mostly. In both his forms, he was a beast.”
I turned to Rhys, disgust evident on my face. “You saw this?” I spat.
He held up his hands and chuckled. “Calm down, there. No, I had no part in it. Just rumors on the street.”
“Donovan wasn’t allowed to be with others,” Max said sadly. “They kept him locked in a cage and away from everyone except his trainers. He never had a chance to form any kind of physical or emotional bonds with other shifters.” Max took a sip of his coffee and I watched his jaw tick back and forth. “So, when he started talking about you, we both knew this was a big deal.”
“Except, because of his past, Donovan has no fucking clue how to behave around a woman he likes,” Rhys said.
“Which is why he acted the way he did today,” Max added.
“Even after you had sex,” Rhys teased with a smirk.
“What? How did you know that?” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and tried my best to hide my embarrassment. It was a fail.
Rhys laughed and Max cleared his throat. “Because he’s different,” Max said. “He smells different, like he’s…I don’t know how to explain it—”
“He smells like he’s mated,” Rhys cut in. “Which is pretty amazing considering that they castrated his animal in the circus.”
“Rhys!” Max shouted at the same time I spoke.
“What?” The bile rose to the back of my throat as I thought about those implications. “They castrated him?” Tears filled my eyes. My Donovan was more broken than I could even imagine.
“Yeah, we’re still not sure how that works for him exactly…like if his male parts come back when he’s a human or not?” Rhys looked genuinely curious until Max kicked him under the table. “Ow!”
“Hopefully Donovan will explain this to you more,” Max said quietly.
“Well, can you tell me how he got here?” I felt like knowing that part was important to help me understand everything about him.
“He escaped,” Max said curtly.
Rhys huffed a laugh and leaned his arms against the table. “Oh, but he didn’t just escape. He killed everyone first.”
My mouth dropped open. No wonder Donovan seemed so broken.
“It’s only a rumor,” Max grunted.
“Yeah, but it’s a good one.” Rhys’ face lit up with excitement. “You know that scar on his face?” He waited until I nodded. “That’s from the trainer who’d been torturing him since he was a child. Apparently, the guy tried to cut Donovan’s throat, but missed. And then…chomp.” Rhys made the alligator chomping motion with his arms, and Max kicked him again. “Ow! Stop fucking kicking me!”
“You’re being disrespectful.”
“I’m telling Mariah the truth!”
“We don’t know that for sure.”
Rhys turned to look at me again. “True. Good ol’ lion king won’t speak a word about his past to us.”
“How long has he been here?” I whispered, still trying to process all this information.
“About five years now, right Max?” Rhys asked.
“Sounds about right.”
“And in all this time, Donovan has been by himself?”
“He roams and hunts and sleeps,” Rhys said. “And occasionally fights.”
“Fights what?”
“Anything that will give him a chance,” Max said. “Donovan’s lion is wild, despite all of his years in captivity. He doesn’t quite know how to turn him off.”
“Except that you got him to do it when you punched him in the face,” Rhys added with a chuckle.
“I didn’t punch him,” I groaned. “And now I feel really bad about doing that, knowing more about his past.”
“Don’t,” Rhys said sharply. “You’re good for him. He needs someone like you.”
My heart clenched with the thought and tears brimmed in my eyes once more.
“Oh, shit,” Rhys whimpered. “Please don’t start crying again.”
“I’m not crying,” I said softly.
“You need to give him another chance,” Max said matter-of-factly. “Donovan’s got to have someone as strong as you to keep him in line.”
Wiping at my eyes, I said, “I don’t understand.”
“You can shift into your coyote out here, right?” Max started.
“Yes.”
“But you’re hundreds of miles away from your father and your pack?”
“Yes.”
“So, that says a lot about the kind of power you have inside of you. You can shift without the command of your alpha. Not many skinwalkers can do that.” Max looked proud of himself for figuring that out.
“That may be true, but I don’t understand how that will help Donovan. Besides, he doesn’t even want me around.” I sniffled and Rhys groaned.
“He wants you around, trust me,” Max said. “And your magic can help stabilize his moods.”
“How?”
With a shrug, Max leaned back in his chair. “No idea. I just know that you’ve already done something to help calm him.”
“He just picked a fight with four shifters outside!”
“Yes,” Rhys cut in, “But he didn’t kill any of them.”
“And that’s progress?” I asked, appalled at the idea.
“Yes,” Max stated.
“This is so messed up,” I mumbled to myself. “You know, I was supposed to be in school getting a business degree right now.”
“So why are you here?” Rhys asked.
This time I kicked him under the table and Max laughed. “Because that wasn’t working out for me, smart ass.”
Rhys rubbed his shin and frowned. “I’m not judging. I’m glad you’re here. I think this place needs you.”
My heart swelled with the compliment. Someone needed me? A place needed me? It was such an unfamiliar feeling that I didn’t know how to even process it.
“You should go talk to him,” Max said.
“I don’t think he wants that.”
“He’ll see you,” Rhys said with an air of confidence I certainly didn’t feel. “You just can’t take no for an answer.”
I looked at the two dominant shifters sitting across from me and asked, “Why do you two care so much? I mean, you’re all dominant. This isn’t a pack or clan. And yet, somehow all of this works. How?”
Max shrugged. “It works by keeping things in order.”
Rolling his eyes, Rhys pushed up to standing. “Yeah. Order. I’m out.” He kissed me on the top of the head before I could react. “Go take care of our boy, okay. We need him.”
As he walked out the door, I felt the tears again. These guys actually cared about each other. Sure, I’d s
een that in my pack, but we were pack. We were a community bound together. These shifters were coming from all different places and backgrounds and yet they’d found a kinship in each other. I didn’t know if they realized it or not, but they were pack too.
“Go to him,” Max said again, removing my mug. “He needs you.”
“Thanks,” I whispered. Standing, I jumped forward and wrapped my arms around Max’s giant chest. My head only came up to his neck. “I’ll do my best.”
He didn’t say anything else as I left the perfectly clean cabin. I wondered what Rhys’ looked like. I guessed messy and smelly. But while I walked across the muddy camp interior and made my way toward Donovan, I suddenly didn’t care anymore. Donovan was all that mattered and I had to prepare myself for the rejection despite what Rhys and Max thought might happen.
Damn that lion for getting his claws so deep inside.
I knew she was coming before she even knocked. Her quiet footsteps, her lovely scent, the fear that was wafting off her. I hated that I’d made her frightened and I knew I needed to do something about it.
Opening the door as she climbed the stairs, I was momentarily overwhelmed by her beauty. Despite looking like she’d been crying, her golden eyes glowed in the morning light. Her long, dark hair hung freely over her shoulders and back and appeared styled despite her camping last night. Smooth skin the color of her native heritage, I couldn’t breathe when she raised her gaze to meet mine.
She said nothing—jaw tight and lips pursed. She was mad. I was mad. But I had no reason to be mad and she did. “Hi,” I finally said.
“Are you calmer now?” she asked curtly. It wasn’t accusatory, just a survival instinct kicking in.
“I’m better.”
“Good.” She looked up at me and blinked a few times…like she was waiting for something.
Oh. “I’m sorry, Mariah. I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier.”
She let out a breath and tried to smile. “Can I come in?”
Swallowing my own fear, I stepped to the side and allowed the first woman ever to come into my house. She walked slowly, taking it all in. I still had some work to do, but for the most part my cabin was livable and comfortable. It was certainly better than Rhys’, although Max had his in perfect condition all the time. So, if she’d seen that one, she might be making the wrong kind of comparisons.
