Dedication
To Barbie Boxhall, a friend indeed
Contents
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
About the Author
Also by Frances Fyfield
Copyright
About the Publisher
CHAPTER ONE
Running up the hill to the station, late for the afternoon train, late for life, she had seen an old man with a stick walking ahead and had stopped to avoid him. He had been identical to a stranger putting flowers on a grave in the cemetery, and both times the sight filled her with fear and fury, made her wilt, wounded with memory. After that, she had sat too long by the graveside, distracted by the monuments of chipped angels and worn sandstone, the new stones of vibrant white, the flowers and shrubs, new or faded. She was not mourning: she was assuaging a constant sense of guilt and loss, aware that it was not quite the same sensation. Flowers took a long time to die when left in the air. It was the only place for miles where she could see colours.
Her father had dictated this letter, she was sure of it; his vitriol was infectious. She could feel the pink paper crumpled in her pocket, the reminder of the address they never ever put on letters since they moved and the thousand and one recriminations which would have followed if ever she had dared to knock on their door. Father would have come towards her leaning on his stick and, never after all these years meeting her eyes, mumbling accusations until her willpower fell away with her coat. She had satisfied the insatiable appetite of guilt by taking flowers to her mother’s grave. Standing there in front of a new, crude white and gold headstone which reminded her of a bathroom fitting, she could feel similar waves of disapproval rising like heat, drowning her own anguish in their blind lack of understanding.
It was the grey, utilitarian mess of the landscape above all, but she no longer knew if this judgement was the selective nature of her own eyes which made it seem so dead. The bus from the graveyard into town took her past some rare fields of glowing yellow stubble, blinding in the light, but she could not take unmitigated pleasure in that. She could look at a field in a state of beauty and know it would change with the same unreliability of people, but a painting of the same thing could make her shout for joy.
After art, nature. Never the other way round. Green fields and wide skies were better in oil paint, more easily controlled, invoked no loneliness. Which could not be said for the station, unmanned after the truculent man selling tickets left at four. A dearth of trains to take her into lovely, filthy, metropolitan anonymity. Empty feelings and empty stations, no sense of belonging. If you do not belong when you are a child, you will never belong.
He never touched me, father, only you. I have tried, mother, father, sister, brother, to gain some sort of acceptance, but you haunt me, even in solitude, with all your bitter hopelessness.
Standing alone on the station platform, one line extending each way round a curve, she felt uncomfortably conspicuous, shook herself beneath the dark purple coat, gave way to annoyance to hide creeping alarm. The time of year, she told herself: this time of year, far more unsettling than any mere time of month. The British change their clocks, trick time by an hour, and suddenly afternoon melts into inky black by the time they all go home. In the hour’s wait for this train to London, the sky had ceased to comfort. She had been denied her preoccupation of looking up at rain-filled clouds scudding across the sun, the same preoccupation which made her see colour even in shadows: shadows were made of colours.
Feeling the ticket to freedom along with the letter in her pocket, pink-papered, the last accusation of the many which had followed her down the years to confirm her status as an alien, she had watched the sky change. Still inside a welter of confusion because she always forgot to change the clock, and had spent the Sunday before working with no one to remind her, a state of affairs most devoutly to be wished. Days like this were idyllic until that sense of outrage intervened as the precious light suddenly seeped away by late afternoon. The sky altered then into an angel’s sky, like the one first seen beyond the roof of this station. Clouds battling with half-hearted sunshine, the one fighting the other into submission, the sun seen as a spotlight fading away, like a lamp removed from behind a muslin curtain. An early darkness, pale, then dramatically black as the gusty rain began to fall. Attempting to conjure shapes and light from the dead foliage in the hanging baskets left for next spring, she found nothing, no solace for the eye: the single bulb burning in the foyer seen across the tracks surrounded by a haze. The rain was uneven, spitting off the roof and slapping the stone of the platform, like a sharp, unexpected punishment.
They were not footsteps. She had not heard footsteps: for a moment, she panicked and turned her face to the wall. The platform north and the platform south were connected by a tunnel, dimly lit and grimly clean, unlike the city to which she was so anxious to return. She fastened her eyes on the aperture which would soon produce a head if the steps were real. Rain disorientated sound. The hazy bulb opposite swung slightly, as if disturbed by another presence and she realized then she was mistaken about the placing of these disembodied feet: man, woman or child passing beneath that bulb towards the tunnel would have registered; she would have seen him or her, even a cat. Silence, a slap of rain, a finger of wind lifting the heavy fabric of her long skirt, teasing the hem which drooped behind. The steps were closer. A shuffling in the alcove of a locked waiting room obscured by one of the pillars supporting the roof she had admired in the last of the sunlight, a figure hidden there or beyond the building, where the ground sloped away and a dustbin lay on one side. The steps (no, they were not steps, please do not be foolish) might have come from behind the door. She thought of her father, lurking. It serves you right, daughter, it serves you right.
She was not brave, merely stoic, concentrated on the hazy light beyond. Fear like this, a sense of danger repeated so often now, was time-consuming, energy-consuming, a creator of anger and other sensations she simply could not afford. Like love and flattery, she thought illogically: all redundant nonsense. You walk towards blind footsteps: you do not ignore them. Or so you do if you know where they are or what they may want, or why they haunt you. No one need harm you; no one hates you; you have cleared all your debts, owe nothing, not even the flowers on your mother’s grave. So she did walk, slowly and noisily towards the end of the platform, passed the alcove door of the waiting room, an empty space with ‘Out of Order’ on the door, paused stupidly, the fear suddenly acute, like a pain ignored, her own steps paralysed. The same fear as yesterday, as last week, an extension of that same dread whenever the door bell rang. Father coming home, her turn now.
What made her falter to a halt, cough bravery for the sake of sound, was that tiny tip of reflected light protruding from the corner of the wall, catching in a pinpoint the hazy bulb which served all humanity on both platforms of a small northern station which had forgotten the imminence of winter. The metal, the reflected thing, silver or gold (she tried to describe the colour even as she gazed), quickly withdrawn, but in that split second, looking like a giant needle pressed into black cloth, hidden. She retreated, again noisily, as far as the empty doorway, pressed herself into it, watched the rain and pretended she had not seen. There was life down there; life and shuffling steps, but life required courage. When she made herself turn to fa
ce the infinitesimal sound from that dark hiding place, muffled by the wind and rain, there was no needle, no wicked blade and then, with exquisite relief, she felt the vibrations of the distant train, large, bright, packed, sliding towards the curve beyond the platform with all the efficiency and power of a long, stiff snake.
Trains no longer crash into stations, she realized, a comparative stranger to trains: they creep heavily and expire in reluctant standstill. She moved to the edge as the sound grew louder, watching the rain which glistened on the last six inches of platform uncovered by the roof, clasping her bag with knuckles already white. Three steps, four steps to the door from which no one alighted, her hand extending to touch it wishing for that cold touch of metal which gave entry into a blast of smoky warmth. And then a great black, rustling shape, thrust against her face, flapping round her shoulders, wet, suffocating, filthy. She pushed away frantically as she screamed, hitting out with her bag and one fist as the muffling cloak dragged down her body in curious intimacy, embracing her arms, pressing through the coat, circling her neck, then tugging at the dropping hem, viciously insistent, clutching. She kicked and flailed with her arms, and spat, turned full circle, her mouth full of grit, felt her hand on the door, wrenching it open, staggering inside while the train paused, breathing politely, ignoring such embarrassment. Her skirt hem snagged on the step: she threw the bag first, clutched great swatches of coat and skirt in one hand and leapt after, holding the door in the other hand to slam shut, crash. Turned back to look at the platform, breathing with the engine, go go, go on, move.
As the train drew breath, ready to move, she wanted to laugh, stuck her knuckle into her mouth to preserve that stupid shriek of sound. Dancing across the place where she had stood was a wind-blown, torn, dirty, wet, black piece of plastic, moving like a whirling dervish, taunted by fury. A rubbish sack escaped, doomed to an existence pushed through wind tunnels, driven by trains, made live by winds. Nothing. No footsteps, no life, nothing. She could feel the blood flow back from her feet, wanted to sink where she stood. What a fool. A flushed idiot, dusting herself down busily, avoiding the curious stares of a carriage half full of people travelling from one city to the next, wondering if she dare sit down amongst them, loving the sight of all those faces and rustling newspapers, books, crumbs, dismembered sandwiches which had come with the train so far. All that noise, that glorious, disgusting noise. She moved to join it, embarrassed, a quiet woman who dismissed fantasies. Seating herself, folding her coat around her, she missed the other door clunking shut two carriages down, level with the end of the platform. Someone sat, smiled at the disapproval of passengers, while she sat, ignoring their glances, still with her knuckle in her mouth.
Late. Trains from the North, wherever that was, were often late, he’d been told, and this was a very bad idea. All the same, Francis was stunned when he saw her, had not expected her to be so predictable, since one of her enduring fascinations was a consistent failure to do what other people did, such as catching the train she had said she would catch. Equally unpredictable was her pleasure, or not, to see him. He had no idea about that: he had come like a pupil with a crush to carry teacher’s bag and he knew he was taking the risk of her saying not today, thank you, young man. Which was why he hesitated, did not come forward with his diffident greeting when he saw her striding through the barrier, swinging her big bag to correspond with her long walk and, for all that assurance, that frowning, preoccupied busyness of hers, looking curiously vulnerable. And colourful. A proficient young woman returning from a visit to her family. He tried to recall what she had said about them; he had asked often with only half an ear to the answers which were slow in coming. Oh, they’re fine, a bit like all families, I suppose. She never supplied detail and he never pursued the quest since families other than his own were the stuff of boring anecdotes and he did not really want to know. He actually assumed they were all the same, only remembered her describing something which brought to mind a cottage with roses round the door, wind-blown, no doubt to go with the North. It took his breath away under the bright lights of St Pancras to see the array of her: she would approve when he confessed his noticing of that eccentric purple coat, the many-shaded carpet bag, the vibrant shiny black, or was it grey, of her dancer’s shoes, so unsuitable for a jaunt into the mud of the country. Damn the country, she had said. They must take my feet as they are: I haven’t got any others.
How coy, to stand back, half admiring, half irritated, slightly put off by the very briskness of her he had noticed before. He watched, biding for his moment of risky surprise. Hallo, darling, I thought I’d come and meet you, do you mind, racing off the train like that, was the visit so awful. I thought you were looking forward to it… Did you walk through all the carriages just so you could get off first, nearest the barrier? You must have known I was here. While he rehearsed the words and moved forwards, she suddenly began to run. Looking neither left, right nor behind herself, running across the concourse where people waited and examined the departure board against their watches, she shrugged them aside in a headlong rush down the stairs into the Underground, swinging the bag as if it weighed nothing, a sprite in flight so fast and so amazing he watched without moving. He had never visualized her, so consistently serene, so tranquil, so absorbed, to be capable of such swiftness, which somehow lent her the elegance she often lacked. She flowed with her eccentric coat, drooping hems and magnificent hair, her mouth only slightly parted with the effort. There was an athlete in that Junoësque frame, running like a boy.
Francis sighed, tapped his feet, pulled a face, always performing, ready to make himself laugh. This had been meant as a surprise. Perhaps she had seen him out of the corner of one of those great, curious eyes, seen and avoided, but he liked to think not: the running was instinctive, an unknown quantity, like so many of her instincts, but the suspicion remained. What a waste of time, coming all this way to meet a woman like that. What an effort to be so shaken and stirred like a souring cocktail.
Irritation gave way to inertia. He stood where he was and watched the rest of the passengers emerge, while yet more passengers stood round the barrier, impatient for the late train to breathe again. Families, inter-city commuters mainly: the end of light made one forget how early it really was, the ebb tide of the day, neither evening nor afternoon. She had probably forgotten the changing of the clocks. He was beginning, just beginning to wonder why he bothered with the kind of person who forgot clothes and people, lived by the patterns and demands of neither, rooted in an impossibly private world.
Francis watched the last person clear of the barrier. At the time he noticed, with a small, distracted touch of pity, a man limping far behind the straggling queue, carrying a furled umbrella.
Later, he forgot.
CHAPTER TWO
Francis Thurloe knew he had earned the reputation of being a likeable young man. He knew that because he was always popular and had been brought up to honour politeness, to be aware of his privileges and not to abuse his own education of which humility had been part. Entry into any form of society he chose was further massaged by a fine, fair face and a long lean body which somehow suggested competence, a man who was good at playing the game, whatever the team. He was a kind person, he supposed, only slightly lazy and spoiled by the ease of a successful life and the ability to claim immediate attention. A relatively smooth passage made him ignorant of how others lived, but he told himself he was tolerant, gave respect wherever it was due to things he did not understand. He honestly did try to understand, but he was not always aware of his own insensitivities, while his role as a barrister enforced his impression of himself as worldly-wise: he forgot he acquired his knowledge second hand, like his pictures, from beyond a screen, like his ancestors. There were ancestors, after a fashion; a long line of professional men and quiescent, patrician wives; he was bred to charm, stability and the kind of privilege marred only by minor scandals, and he was currently relishing his freedom before continuing a well-established line.
Indecision was foreign to him: Elisabeth rendered him indecisive, which he disliked, but then he had been wilfully ensnared into that alien world of hers by the desire for some uncertainty, some other interest but self-perpetuating success. Unattached at thirty-two, he felt, wearily, that he had run the gamut of human experience: it had been a kind of boredom which led him into the whole new suspense of possessions. He had been looking for a new passion.
Elisabeth Young, he had been told by Annie Macalpine, renovated, restored, cleaned, mended and otherwise gave solace to oil paintings, and it was oil paintings, preferably conventional, figurative, glowing, story-telling canvases, which had formed the new passion. About Elisabeth, he was less sure: she defied possession, but he was interested, like a speculative purchaser unsure about his investment, the way he had always been with his relationships, scouring the ground, giving up quickly if the going ever got rough and waiting without impatience for the one who would ensure a lifetime’s effortless fidelity. Besides, the sentimental streak in Francis, normally well under the control of his pragmatism, made him believe that any meeting between the sexes in the pure context of a painting had to be romantic, although there was precious little romance in first standing in that bare, strange flat of hers. Francis’s normal assurance had deserted him. If the thing he had delivered had been alive, he could not have been more nervous and protective. His mouth was dry, and his fluent speech stilted.
‘You do enjoy what you do, don’t you?’ he asked, the voice emerging slightly high. ‘You enjoy the suspense.’
She had frowned, as if any words were an irritating interruption to the concentration devoted to what was held in her hands. Large hands, he noticed. Rather intimidating, like the rest of her. She was looking at the surface of the thing she held, traced with one finger a pale discoloration which resembled a layer of watered milk, frowned again while he stood by as anxious as the patient’s relative waiting for a verdict and talking to hide the pain. Elisabeth’s reply was brusque, equally free from emotion’s visible, weakening signs. Or it may have been they were teasing each other.
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