by M. Malone
He turned to look at her and Kay shivered. There was nothing of the man she knew in that gaze. He looked like he was a million miles away, reliving whatever it was he saw in his head. And whatever he saw was bleak.
“We did this many times,” he finally continued. “Breaking into criminals’ homes and places of business. Taking their money and destroying their stashes of drugs and weapons. We were like modern-day Robin Hoods, stealing from the rich to help the poor. It was a powerful feeling.”
Despite his strong words, Kay could sense his fear and his shame. He glanced over at her then, and she leaned forward, worried that he’d stop talking.
“What happened then?”
“It was about six months after I’d joined the group that I discovered the truth. We were living in this hovel on the south side of D.C. I hadn’t seen anyone in my family during that entire time. The group discourages you from staying in contact with anyone you knew before. The Circle becomes your family. You live together, work together, and play together. It was hard, but we were doing important work. The police couldn’t help people the way we did. We weren’t bound by the rules of law. If a woman got beat up by her pimp, what was she going to do, call the cops? She’d end up getting arrested. But we could help. I regret a lot of things from back then, but not that. Beating the hell out of any man who puts his hands on a woman is something I’ll never feel guilty about.”
Kay agreed. She wrapped her arms around her middle. He looked so fierce while he was telling his story, but this was the side of Eli she was used to. The protector. The one who took care of her and would never let her come to harm.
“You shouldn’t. It sounds like you were just trying to protect people.”
He cringed and ran his hands over his head. “Yeah, I’m making us out to be real heroes. See, the thing is while we were playing Robin Hood, we had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. The girls we liberated? They were simply sold to someone else. The drugs we stole? They weren’t destroyed the way I thought. That was how the group leaders made enough money to fund our activities. I thought I was taking from criminals but I was working for criminals. I was a foot soldier in a war that I wasn’t even aware of. When I think of the girls I delivered to them…”
His voice broke and he pressed his palms over his eyes. He turned in the opposite direction and wouldn’t look at her for a minute. Tears welled in Kay’s own eyes, but she dashed them away with the back of her hand, afraid that if he saw them he’d interpret it as horror at what he’d been a part of.
Or worse. Pity.
He cleared his throat and glanced at her before continuing. “We were busted by the FBI and I was picked up in the raid. Most of the guys I’d lived with and trained with were killed fighting back. I was captured alive and held for weeks while they tried to ferret out the head of the group. Once they realized they’d captured a lower-level member, I was able to cut a deal. In exchange for telling them everything I knew and cooperating with their investigation, I was able to avoid jail. I’m still helping them to this day. It feels like I’m still under investigation sometimes.”
“That sounds miserable. Isn’t there a time limit that you can be held accountable?”
“There is no statute of limitations on domestic terrorism charges,” Eli stated.
“Oh, I see.”
“Do you?” Eli got up and then knelt on the floor in front of her. “My life isn’t my own. I work and I sleep. I spend each and every day trying to make up for the consequences of a decision I made almost a decade ago.”
She squeezed his hands. “It sounds like you’ve done everything you could.”
“No matter how much I’ve done, it’ll never be enough.”
KAY SAT QUIETLY, watching him with her big innocent eyes. It was a killer to have to be this close to her and not touch her. But he didn’t want to scare her or make her feel uncomfortable, especially now that she knew everything.
“You can ask questions if you want to,” he offered. It would probably be easier to get it all out at once.
“What happened to Justice?” She reached over and grabbed his hand. “Did he survive?”
“Yeah. He was picked up by the FBI and held for questioning, too. I ask about him sometimes. Check on him.” Even though he had to do it discreetly. One of the major provisions of his release was having no further contact with anyone in the organization. If Agent Harris ever found out about it, he’d probably assume that Eli was still a member and ferrying information back and forth.
“I’m not surprised. Even though he got you into something horrible, you still thought of him as a friend.”
“Yeah, I did. Stupid, but I did. He wasn’t cooperative with the authorities, so he ended up serving jail time. He won’t get out until next year.” He squeezed her hand, stunned that she still wanted to be close to him.
“What about your family? You said you left them behind.”
“My parents thought I was traveling. To this day, they have no idea what happened to me during that ‘lost’ year. I never told my brothers either. They all probably think I had some kind of breakdown.”
“That’s not what I meant. I was asking how you could leave them. What could have possibly happened to make you want to leave your family behind?”
“You’re the first person to ever ask me that. The only one who could see inside me and figure out that there was more to the story.”
Kay smiled and put a warm palm on his cheek. “I’ve seen you with your family. You adore them. Especially your mom.”
“Yes. I do.” Eli’s throat tightened. Images of his mom, frightened and hurt, flashed through his mind. “I saw something happen to my mom… Has Jackson ever mentioned our cousins? The ones that live on the west side of New Haven?”
“I’ve met a few. The tall, handsome one that’s a doctor was at the Memorial Day party.”
Eli gritted his teeth. “Handsome, huh?”
Kay bit her lip and grinned at him. He could tell she was trying to defuse the tension in the room. “Well, you Alexanders are known for having pretty good genetics.”
Eli grunted. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, we all grew up together. Uncle Stewart is the oldest. My father was the second child, then Aunt Maria, and last is Uncle Gordon. He’s the drifter. Every five years or so, he’ll blow through town and then back out again just as fast.”
“If your father was the second son, why did he inherit the farm?”
Eli raised his eyebrows. “Your guess is as good as mine. Apparently Uncle Stewart felt the same way because they haven’t gotten along since. However, for the sake of us kids, they always tried to keep their feud as civil as possible. We played together on the weekends. Grant was as much of a tool then as he appears to be now.”
Kay slid forward until she was perched on the end of the couch. Her breath fanned across his cheek when she exhaled. “So you used to spend time together. What changed?”
“My parents don’t speak of it. I just know what I saw. Uncle Stewart kissing my mom.”
Kay’s hands tightened around his. “No! Your mother wouldn’t do that.”
“It wasn’t her choice, believe me. She slapped him so hard it left a handprint on his face. I was only seventeen when it happened, but I ran up and fought him off. My mom was crying. I wasn’t strong enough to fight him the way I wanted to back then, but I was like a beast possessed. My dad came in then and once I blurted out what happened, he punched my uncle in the face. That was the last time our families got together.”
“I am so sorry,” she whispered.
“She wouldn’t press charges. I couldn’t understand it. I pleaded with her and my dad, but they wouldn’t do it.” He covered his mouth with his hand. He needed to stop talking. Some of the secrets he was telling weren’t his to share. But now that the dam was open, it was like a gaping hole that he couldn’t cover. Everything came spilling out, and he couldn’t hold it back. “It broke something in me, knowing that he could do that to her and get away with it.�
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Eli was startled when Kay pulled him closer and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “No wonder you feel so strongly about standing up for women. Because of what happened to your mom.”
“All I could think about for months afterward was what if I hadn’t heard them? What if I hadn’t been near the barn that day? He could have—”
“Don’t even think about it.” Kay caressed his face. “You were there and that’s all that matters. Just like you were trying to do the right thing when you joined that group.”
Eli blinked a few times. “Apparently you haven’t heard a word I’ve said. We were criminals, Kay. We stole and hurt people. The women we saved from the gangs ended up being sold into prostitution somewhere else. We were monsters.”
“Did you know ahead of time that this group was doing bad things?”
Eli sighed. “No, I didn’t, but that’s not the point.”
She moved closer, snaking an arm around his waist. “Would you have joined if you knew the things you know now?”
“Of course not.”
She squeezed him, her arm pulling him against her hip. Her hand rested lightly on his chest as she gazed up at him. “I know that. I wasn’t asking for me. I was asking for you. Because I think you needed to say it out loud. You made a mistake, yes but it wasn’t something you did purposely. I know you’d never want to hurt anyone if you could help it.”
He swallowed against the giant lump that had formed in his throat. Talking her out of her hero worship wasn’t something he wanted to do, but it was the only fair thing. There was so much available to her; the entire world was wide open at this point in her life. She’d never have to know the despair of losing her sense of self or being afraid to look in the mirror because you didn’t like what you saw. She was pure and good. He wanted her to keep that sense of peace, and she wouldn’t be able to with him in her life.
“You always look at me like I was the hero. But I’m not the good guy. I’m just a guy who’s trying to make up for doing bad things.”
“That’s just it, Eli. You’re trying to make it up because you care. Only good guys care about atonement.”
Eli wouldn’t have thought it possible for love to be as evident as it was in her eyes just then. The way she looked at him, damn if it didn’t make him feel invincible. Like he could do anything, bear anything, for her sake. To protect her.
Now she knew the good, the bad, and the unforgivable, and yet she still saw him. Still wanted him. He couldn’t believe it.
No one was this blessed.
“Kay, you can’t have the kind of life you deserve with me. The government monitors me. The people I used to associate with are the kind who hold grudges. I usually don’t sleep in the same location more than a few nights in a row just in case. This is not the kind of life for a family.”
“Tell me one thing. If it wasn’t for all of this, would we be together? I mean, would you give us a chance?”
He would have given anything to be able to lie to her. To tell her what she needed to hear to let him go. But he knew then that he was just as selfish as he’d always been because he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say the words that would allow her to walk away.
“Nothing would be able to keep me away.”
As soon as their lips met, he knew it was over. She clung to him so sweetly, pressing soft kisses over his face, his lips, his throat. Anything she could reach. Eli gave up and kissed her back, the cold reserve he kept in place melting beneath the warmth of her embrace.
He vowed then and there that he’d never hurt her or give her any reason to change her mind. His mind flashed to all the stuff in his closet before he could shut the thought down. Kay would freak out if she knew about the things he liked to do. He could find other ways to get the control he needed. He’d have to.
Having her in his bed would be enough. It filled him with a possessive satisfaction, the thought of her in his bed, wearing his clothes with his scent all over her skin. There were other ways he could get inside her mind, possess her thoughts, and control her body. She liked the way he touched her, he could tell. Over time, he could introduce her to new things, slowly push her boundaries. As long as she never knew how deep his desires ran, how all-consuming his need to control and possess her was, then she’d stay with him.
She’d never have to know just how twisted he really was.
KAY COULDN’T TELL what changed, but something did. Suddenly, Eli wasn’t just in front of her but he was there with her, looking into her eyes like he wanted to climb inside her skin. He turned and nuzzled his face into her palm and she knew. After tonight, there was no going back.
He was going to make love to her and she’d be forever changed by it.
“I will never hurt you,” Eli whispered, his voice carrying the weight of a sacred vow.
“I know that. I’ve always known that.”
Kay shivered as he buried his face in her neck. She felt like every touch, every whisper, held secret meaning, and she could barely contain herself. It had been almost two years since she had gotten pregnant with Hope, and that had been the end of any semblance of romance she had shared with Tim. She had a feeling that her lackluster experiences with her ex would pale in comparison to the erotic promises she saw reflected in Eli’s eyes.
Her breath caught as he dropped a wet kiss on the curve of her collarbone. The hair on her arms stood up as he trailed his fingers gently over her skin. She inhaled and let her breath out in a quick gush as his arms encircled her. His warmth seemed to pervade every inch of her until her skin was on fire.
He stood in a swift motion, scooping her up in his arms. She gripped his neck, expecting him to carry her back to his room. Finally, he would let down the walls he’d erected between them and allow her into his private space. But he didn’t carry her to his room. Instead, he dipped his knee next to the fireplace, laying her gently on the rug. The heat of the flames fanned over her skin, ratcheting the burn in her blood even higher.
He eased down on the floor next to her, cradling her head in his hand. She relaxed into his hold, allowing him to pull her closer and fit her body to his. He didn’t speak, instead using those quiet moments to look at her. It should have been uncomfortable, lying in his arms while he drank in every inch of her skin with his eyes. But every sweep of his gaze, every glance contained such reverence. Such heat. As if what he beheld was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
No woman could feel anything but perfect when a man looked at her like that.
“You take my breath away,” he whispered. He lifted his hand, slowly, like he was afraid to spook her. He popped the first button on her shirt, his eyes fixed on the line of skin revealed. Finally, the two sides of her blouse fell apart and he was practically nose deep in her cleavage.
Kay tried to close her arms over her chest, self-conscious now. Gravity wasn’t her friend.
“Oh no. You can’t hide these from me.” Eli slid an arm under her shoulders and held her still. Then he grabbed one of her bra straps with his teeth and slid it down.
“Wait. What about you?” If she was going to get naked, she wasn’t doing it on her own. Plus, she wasn’t going to deny that looking at Eli naked would definitely distract her from her own insecurities. She couldn’t think much at all when looking at him.
“You want me to take my clothes off?”
“Yes, please.”
Eli grinned and yanked his shirt over his head with one hand. “Whatever the lady wants.”
She looked down at his jeans and quirked an eyebrow. He threw his head back and laughed, the full, rich sound turning her on even more. He stood and pushed his jeans down. The front of his boxers stood away from his body. Kay gulped.
“I think I’ll leave those on for a while yet.”
“Okay,” she squeaked.
Eli knelt beside her. “Your turn.”
She lifted her hips obediently and allowed him to slide her jeans off and over her ankles. He looked up at her, his features pinc
hed with strain, and then back at the lacy panties he’d just revealed. Kay thrilled at the possessive look in his eyes. He wanted her.
Their lips met and before long she forgot about being self-conscious or who was wearing what. His fingers trailed over her skin, slow circles that were driving her insane. Every touch was so careful, so tender, that Kay finally just grabbed him and pulled him on top of her. His lower body pressed onto hers until the fullness between his legs settled into her thighs. His groan came out as a harsh sound in the quiet room, and she glanced up at him uncertainly.
“Easy, now.” He kept most of his weight on his arms and smoothed her brow with his free hand. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”
Relief and joy bloomed in her chest, the emotions so big she wondered how one person could contain them. Everything she’d ever dreamed of was finally happening, and she was on the verge of passing out from oxygen deprivation.
Going completely on impulse, Kay leaned up and kissed him. He smiled, his lips moving under hers, and it only made her want him more. She wanted to be filled with him in every way but didn’t know how to ask for what she wanted.
Luckily Eli seemed to know without words.
His knee inched between her thighs and parted them, and she felt completely exposed. Despite her vulnerability, she wasn’t afraid. She was more excited about the things he had in store for her. Sex with Tim hadn’t been anything to write home about. She had a feeling making love with Eli would surpass anything she could dream up.
His gentle fingers caressed the insides of her thighs, tracing their shape all the way down to her calf. A few seconds later, his lips followed the path of his fingers. She closed her eyes against the assault of sensation. It was too much to take in, too hard to breathe.
“There were so many nights I dreamed of this. Of touching you. Tasting you. Making you scream.”
Kay’s breath caught as he moved higher and his lips dragged over her belly button. “You did?”
He looked up at her. The sight of him hovering between her thighs was so erotic but also so shocking that Kay instinctively tried to close her legs. The action accomplished nothing except locking him closer to her core. He looked down, his lips curling up in a private smile.
