by J. R. Rain
She leaned down and studied the picture, then looked at me and studied me. She nodded. Apparently, I checked out. Oh, goody.
“Did Gladys hire you?” she asked.
“Yes, and please tell me she’s just a crazy old lady whom I shouldn’t take seriously.”
Despite her youth, the girl smiled at me knowingly. “Unfortunately, she’s probably the sanest of us all.”
“I was afraid you’d say that.”
She grinned. “I think we need to talk.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“Then you need to order something, or my boss will be all over my ass.”
I said sure and she handed me a menu. I scanned it.
“You have anything here that won’t give me a heart attack before we’re done talking?”
“We have side salads.”
“Fine. Then get me two of those with some extra ranch.”
She laughed and rolled away. The waitresses here all wore bright yellow shiny spandex pants that made them look like life-sized gold statues. Perhaps that was fitting here in Oscarland.
A few minutes later, Nicole returned with only a single salad and one small container of low-calorie vinaigrette. I looked at the meager offerings.
“This is what you meant to order,” she said, setting the containers on the window tray.
“But I thought the customer was always right,” I said.
“You were right,” she said, “until you opened your mouth and ordered.”
I sighed and drizzled the dressing over my salad, and while I dug into my rabbit food, she told me what she knew. She and Veronica were pretty close, as they had been for these past few years. Yeah, Veronica was different. I asked how different, and she asked how much did I know about Veronica? I said I knew enough that Veronica was running around telling people she was a vampire slayer. Nicole opened her mouth to reply but then a car pulled up a few slots down. She told me to hold on and I did, finishing off the rest of the salad. Would have been better with cheese and extra ranch.
I looked down at my gut. Probably not better for my gut, though. It wasn’t a huge gut, granted, but it was big enough to be on my mind. I worked out when I could, jogging and walking and lifting weights at home, but the gut seemed impervious to my efforts.
It’s hell hitting 38.
Nicole skated across the parking lot to turn in the driver’s order. She returned a moment later with another Diet Coke.
“How did you know I had diet?” I asked.
“I didn’t.”
“Is my gut that big?” I asked.
“Big enough.”
“Ouch.”
“Where were we?” she said.
“You were going to tell me the difference between a vampire hunter and a vampire slayer.”
“There is no difference. But probably slayer is the most accurate.”
“Accurate in what way?” I asked.
Nicole leaned a hip against my Camry and seemed to consider what to say next. I’m sure the sheet metal was piping hot in the California sun. Maybe her shiny pants were just as hot. Maybe there was going to be some sort of nuclear reaction. Or not.
“Slayers kill vampires. And that’s what Veronica does. You know, on the side. Not all the time. Mostly, she’s looking for one vampire in particular.”
I stared at her. She stared at me. The sun stared down, too.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” I asked.
“Serious as a heart attack.”
“And Veronica is a vampire slayer?”
“Yes. Exactly.”
Another car pulled up, but Nicole ignored it. Luckily, another girl wearing flaming yellow pants appeared to take the order. I could feel the sweat dribbling down between my brows. I studied the young girl’s face. A small film of sweat coated her brow and upper lip. Had it been me out there on skates, I would have been a sweating mess, and would have soaked my yellow spandex pants. Probably why they hired girls and not overweight middle-aged men.
I finally said, “I don’t know what to say.”
“Then maybe you should let this go and walk away.”
“I can’t do that,” I said. “A girl is missing.”
“This girl can take care of herself, trust me.”
“I’ll decide that for myself, no offense.”
We sat staring at each other some more. We sweated some more, although her not so much.
I said, “And why on God’s green earth would she kill vampires?”
“She has her reasons, apparently.”
I took a breath. If I hadn’t been given good money by a kindly old lady who really seemed to need help, I would have been certain someone was pulling my leg. Hell, I still wasn’t entirely certain someone wasn’t pulling my leg. I exhaled.
I asked, “How many people has she told this to?”
“Not many.”
I said, “And you believe her?”
Nicole looked at me hard, and she suddenly looked ten years older. She bit her lower lip, struggling with something internally. Finally, she said, “I’ve seen her when she...returns.”
“Returns from where?”
“Doing what she does.”
“Killing vampires?”
“Yes. She’s...she’s covered in blood. Everything is covered in blood. It’s disgusting.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think. I did know that I wanted something a lot stronger than a Diet Coke. I drummed my fingers on my steering. I thought some more, then decided to try a different angle.
“When was the last time you saw Veronica?”
“A week ago. We were shopping together.”
“What was the last thing you two discussed?”
“That she was going on the biggest hunt of her life.”
Deep breaths, I thought.
“And where would that be?” I asked.
Nicole smiled at me as another car pulled up. And as the car pulled up, I heard her boss bellow at her to get moving.
“She wouldn’t tell me,” said Nicole. “She never does. Says it’s safer that way. Okay, I gotta go.”
“She’s been missing a week,” I said. “Aren’t you worried about her?”
Nicole looked back and grinned mischievously. I almost didn’t see her grin due to the sun reflecting brightly off her yellow spandex pants and searing my retinas.
“It’s the vampire that needs to be worried,” she said, and turned and quickly skated away.
Chapter Four
I was with my new girlfriend, Roxi.
We were sitting at a French bistro called French Quarters sharing an angel hair carbonara. My new girlfriend wasn’t quite sure what to make of me. I was a mess, and she knew it. Why she was sticking it out, I wasn’t sure, but I had decided not to delve too deeply into that line in inquiry. Better to let sleeping bears lie. Instead, we were talking about Veronica.
“And no one knows her age?” asked Roxi.
“Anywhere from fifteen to seventeen.”
“And she just appears one day out of the blue?”
“Yes, at the old folks’ home.”
Roxi slurped some noodles. “And she claims to be a vampire hunter?”
“Slayer.” I corrected. “Hunters don’t necessarily slay.”
“So she’s delusional.”
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Roxi, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,” I quoted.
“Are you saying vampires are real?”
“Actually, I was just playing the devil’s advocate. I’m with you. It’s all nuts.”
“But this friend believed her.”
“Like attracts like,” I said. “Batshit attracts batshit.”
“Did her check clear?”
“It did. I deposited it immediately.”
Roxi bit her lip. She was younger than me by six years. She was also Irish, and had the world’s cutest accent. Unlike me, she did not have a gut and kept herself in fairly good shape. She was a struggling s
creenwriter, hustling her way through Hollywood. Presently, she earned her money doing freelance editing work for other writers. She hated it.
“I don’t get it,” she said, sitting back.
“I’m not hired to get it,” I said. “I’m hired to find a missing girl, and that I do get.”
“How long has she lived with the old folks?”
“Nearly three years.”
“And this is the longest she’s been gone?”
“Apparently.”
I had only recently started dating Roxi, and already I was loving how she threw herself into my cases, and made them practically her own. She was proving to be an excellent sounding board.
She drank some more red wine. I watched her drink with a mixture of envy and horror. I hadn’t touched alcohol in a few years, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to.
Be strong. My daily mantra.
I said, “Her friend, of course, doesn’t think she’s missing. Her friend thinks she’s hunting a vampire.”
“This is nuts.”
“I don’t choose the cases,” I said. “They choose me.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Find her. Get her real story. Convince her to come home.”
“Even is she doesn’t have a real home?”
“The old folks take care of her,” I said. “That’s home enough.”
“Will you call the police?”
“Depends on the answers she gives me. Depends on the state I find her in. Depends on who I find her with.”
“Fair enough. But that if she’s even alive.”
“True.”
“So what’s your next step, Mr. Private Dick?”
“No clue.”
* * *
Outside, I kissed Roxi lightly on her cheek and helped her into her car. She asked when she would see me again, and I told her I didn’t know. She hadn’t known me long, but already she knew that in a missing person case, time was of the essence. She took my hand and squeezed it and told me to be careful. We were not quite to the “I love you” phase of our relationship, but I sensed her love for me. I told her to go write the hell out of her new screenplay and she smiled and drove off.
* * *
It was late.
I was sitting in my car, studying the file Gladys had given me, going over the list of acquaintances. Unfortunately, Gladys had only known the first names of Veronica’s friends. So prior to leaving Industrial Burgers, I had called Nicole one last time and asked her if she had recognized any of the other names on the list. She had, one of them. Roy, the only male on the list, was a bartender at a dive in Hollywood called Coffins.
A goth bar.
Sitting in my car I sighed and Googled Coffins on my iPhone. A moment later, I was heading off into the night to my first vampire bar.
Lucky me.
* * *
Coffins was dark and gloomy. Go figure.
I surveyed the place from the front door. It was a Wednesday evening and Coffins was about half empty. Maybe all the vampires were still asleep.
The walnut paneling was empty of pictures or any references to the undead. Thank God. There were, however, three or four coffins arranged around the room. Coffee tables. Cute. And weird.
Sometimes I was amazed at where my job took me. Three weeks ago, a twisted trail of clues had led me to Jamaica, where I had helped rescue a kidnapped child.
Tonight, they led me to Dracula’s lair.
I had never planned on being a private investigator. In fact, I was perfectly content working as an insurance claims investigator. As a claims investigator I had worked with a few private eyes. Admittedly, I had always been intrigued by P.I.’s. They were a small group of men and women who lived outside the norm, working for themselves, their own man, so to speak. The lone wolves of our day. Helping people, following people, finding people, catching people. The profession itself was as honorable as one wanted it to be, or as sleazy.
Just like in life.
After the death of my son, I re-evaluated my entire life. I came to two conclusions. The first was obvious: I had to give up drinking. The second wasn’t so obvious. After a lot of soul searching, I realized that although I couldn’t bring back my sweet baby boy, I could help bring back other children. Missing children.
In insurance claims, I always had a knack for finding witnesses, for seeing through the lies, for massaging random information into meaningful clues.
It was a gift, and I would use it to help find the missing.
I could never bring back my baby boy, but I could bring back other baby boys. Baby boys and girls. And teens. And even adults. I found them all. One way or another, I brought them home. Doggedly, relentlessly, whatever it took.
Veronica, in my mind was no different. A lot weirder, granted, but no different. She was missing, and I had been hired to find her, and goddammit, I was going to find her.
I didn’t pick my cases. They picked me.
I stepped over to the bar while a few sets of eyes followed me from the dark sofas scattered around the coffins. The bar top was also shaped like a very long coffin.
When the bartender came over to me, I rested my hands on the coffin-lid bar top, and said, “I’m sorry, I seem to be lost. I’m looking for a place called Coffins?”
“Very funny, wise guy. What can I get you?”
“The smooth, sweeping neck of a fair maiden.”
“No fair maidens here, and the blood is in the back.”
“I hope to God you’re kidding,” I said.
The tall bartender studied me, and then cracked a smile. “Of course.” he said. “What can I really get you?”
“Tonic water and a guy named Roy.”
He nodded and reached under the counter, rummaged around, and came up with a bottle of tonic water, opened it, and put it in front of me.
“Here’s your water and what can I do for you?”
“You Roy?”
“Yup.”
Roy was younger than me, and a lot more handsome. He had dark brown eyes and dark brown eyebrows and dark brown hair. I sensed a pattern.
“I’m looking for a girl,” I said.
“Ain’t we all.”
“Her name is Veronica.”
Roy’s dark brown eyebrows narrowed so dramatically that they came to together to form one long dark brown unibrow. He looked around. I watched him as he looked around. We were alone at this end of the coffin-shaped counter.
“What about her?” he asked.
I showed him my P.I. license. He squinted at it.
I said, “I’ve been hired by the old lady she lives with to find her.”
“Gladys,” he said.
I nodded. “That would be her.”
“Gladys worries too much.”
“Nothing wrong with that, when you’re dealing with a kid.”
“Veronica’s no kid.”
“Oh, yeah? How old is she?”
“No idea, but, trust me, she ain’t no kid.”
“Fine,” I said. “Kid or not, I’ve been hired to find her, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
Roy placed two extremely large hands on the bar counter. His thick eyebrows were still pressed together like a fat, hairy sausage.
“This is none of your concern,” he said.
“What’s none of my concern?”
Roy, who had seemed good-natured and willing to laugh at my stupid joke earlier, suddenly seemed not-so-friendly.
“Veronica’s fine. She’s just...busy.”
“Slaying vampires?”
He squinted at me, and seemed about to shush me, but there was really no one close enough to us to hear. Besides, the thumping techno-music in the background would have drowned out our words.
“This is none of your concern,” he said again.
“I heard you the first time,” I said. “Except I’ve already deposited a check from a very concerned woman who hired me to make it my business.”
He leaned for
ward, placing more weight on those big hands. I think the gesture was meant to be intimidating. “You have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into, bro. Would be safer for you to return that check.”
There was a creaking sound from behind me. Maybe one of the caskets was opening. Eager to see a real-live vampire, I turned and looked. Nope, just two goth-looking, pale-faced girls stepping into the bar. They didn’t look happy. They seldom did.
I looked back at Roy, and as I did so, I grabbed both of his wrists and pulled. He fell forward in a blink, hitting the counter hard, his forehead bouncing off the scarred wood casket lid. A chair scraped behind me.
I ignored whoever was behind me, but I didn’t ignore Roy, whose face was now just inches from mine. I still held him by his wrists. “You know something about a missing girl, Roy. And that makes you a person of extreme interest to me. Tell me what you fucking know or I’m going to bring some unholy hell down upon you and your fucking weird bar. Bro.”
“Okay, man. Okay. Take it easy.”
“What the fuck is going on around here, Roy?”
“Just let me go and I’ll tell you.”
I released his wrists slowly and he stood. There was a shiner already forming on his forehead. I glanced around me. Two guys were standing behind me. Thin guys. Dark hair. Pale faces. Both wearing white, untucked, long-sleeved shirts. They looked like Dracula’s minions. Or his house boys.
“Beat it,” I said to them.
They didn’t move. From behind the counter, Roy said, “It’s okay, guys, we’re cool.”
The two dumbasses shuffled off.
I looked at Roy. His hair was disheveled. So were his bushy eyebrows, which had somehow gotten tweaked when his forehead had done its best impression of a basketball.
I said to him, “We’re very much not cool until you tell me what the fuck is going on around here.”
Roy nodded and motioned to one of the whip-thin punks. “Watch the bar, man. I’ll be back in a few.”
Roy nodded toward me.
“Follow me,” he said.
Chapter Five
