by Vi Carter
I’m waiting for him to speak and when he doesn’t, I glance up at him. Our eyes clash and he releases me.
I finish the room robotically.
The rest of the day is a blur of work; I eat my food that I don’t taste. I don’t pause until the laundry is dropped off in the laundry room. I pretend I don’t notice how Darragh hasn’t left my side even as I clock out and make my way down the hall, but as we reach the last hallway I know I have to say something.
“Why are you following me?” I ask the empty hall in front of me and the looming presence beside me.
“I’m not.” He’s right, he's not, we’re both going to the carpark.
I root out my phone remembering I need to ring a taxi.
“I can give you a lift.” Darragh speaks.
I take a quick peek at him and he isn’t looking at me. He seems distant and that comforts me. “Are you sure?”
“I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.” This time he looks at me. His face grows serious.
“Thanks.”
His Audi doesn’t fit in with all the staff cars. “For a cleaner you are doing pretty well.” I tease.
He grins. “I have other jobs.”
I get into his car. “Like what?”
“Stuff that would have you curling up in your bed at night.” It’s not what he says but how he looks at me when he mentions my bed. The air catches in my throat and I put on my belt to distract myself. I was overthinking everything.
“I didn’t picture you doing something gentle,” I say.
He starts up the car. “If you had to guess what do you think?”
I look at Darragh now, he’s very well put together, his hair is shiny, his skin flawless. He takes care of his physical self. He could be a personal trainer but he would be too selfish.
“I don’t think you do anything else, only just whatever you want.”
“What does that even mean?” He sounds so offended.
I smile as I lean back into the heated seat. “You’ve always had money. You’re a privileged child. You’ve never had to work for anything. You also wouldn’t understand hunger or cold. Those ideas would be foreign to you.” Now I look at Darragh. I’m expecting him to be clutching the steering with anger but he isn’t.
“Yeah that sounds pretty right. But now I have been cut off. So I have to work.”
“So the job is covering your Audi payments, tax, Insurance and all that? I don’t know where I am going wrong.” My sarcasm has him smiling.
“A wise woman once told me that if a woman can make you smile then she’s a keeper.”
I’m not sure how I feel about his statement. “Was it your mother?”
His smile slips. I think I make him frown more than smile but I keep that to myself.
“No my cook.”
I laugh. “Your cook?”
“What? Mary is the best.”
“Yeah. You’re privileged,” I say.
He grins, but it slips from his face. “Fuck.”
I want to ask what’s wrong but I don’t. A checkpoint up ahead is waving us down. The guard who meets my eye is Gardai Brady.
“Fuck is right.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
DARRAGH
Once the car stops I roll down the window.
“License and registration.”
I wonder which one of them offered my friends immunity to put me behind bars.
My license falls onto my lap as I flip down the visor. Picking it up I don’t hand it straight away. “What’s this about?” I ask.
Ciara clears her throat beside me getting the Gardai’s attention.
“Your license, Darragh.” Tom speaks to me while looking at Ciara.
I hand it over to him and he finally looks away from Ciara and at my license..
“How many of you does it take to read my license? Oh, actually don’t tell me.” I say to Tom.
His smile holds his secrets, as if I don’t know my friends are ready to sell me out.
“Miss Michaels, I see you are keeping some fine company.” Tom leans in.
I’m very tempted to roll up the window on his face.
Ciara doesn’t answer him and he leans back out. I’m handed back my license.
“Tell me what is it that they pay you? Five hundred a week, maybe six hundred?” I’m grinning as I turn the key in the ignition.
“You’ll get what you deserve soon.” Tom taps the hood of my car.
“We’ll see. I’ll let you lads get back to your minimum watch job while I go home and wipe my ass with one hundred-euro notes.” My smile has both of them standing back from the car. I’m waiting to be pulled out and arrested but when they both stay silent I know I won’t get arrested today.
“See you soon Darragh.” The warning is there in his voice.
I roll up my window and drive off foot to floor.
“Is that necessary, in front of them. Are you trying to get arrested?”
I lift my foot off the gas pedal. “They fucking always target me.”
“Yes Darragh. You are such a victim. I mean you insulted them in every way possible.”
I glance at Ciara. “You have no idea what they are like.”
“They are the Gardai Darragh. They aren’t going to be all friendly.”
She has no fucking idea.
“Yeah you’re right.” I say to end this conversation.
“Don’t be an ass.” I look at her now. “You don’t mean it so don’t say it.”
I face the road. “Fine I fucking hate them.”
“At least you’re honest.”
When I glance at Ciara, this time her plump lips tug up. Now I want to kiss them. How had I not noticed her lips before? I keep looking at her now. I thought she was pretty from the moment I set eyes on her, but now she’s fucking gorgeous. How does that shit happen?
“So are we still good for the wedding?” I ask.
“Yeah. Just remember I’m not going to sleep with you.”
I grin. “Can I put money on it?” When I look at her, she isn’t smiling like I expected.
“Do I look like a hoe?”
Fuck.
“Of course not.”
“Of course not? Like me being a hoe isn’t possible.”
I look at her again wondering if she is messing with me. No. She’s serious as fuck.
“You’re confusing the fuck out of me Ciara. You could be a hoe if you wanted. I’d pay.”
My words have her shaking her head and I’m glad when Kingscourt comes into view. No woman has ever made me feel so stupid. I’ve never questioned myself before as much as I do with Ciara. I pull up outside her place and she’s ready to jump out.
“All I’m saying is. I’d sleep with you.”
She pauses and when she turns around and kind of smiles. I think it’s a smile. It could be a grimace. “A thousand,” she says.
“A thousand what?”
“That I don’t sleep with you.”
I smile while reaching across the open space. “You have to shake on it.”
She takes my hand and I’m tempted to pull her in for a kiss just to see what she would do. Her hand slips from mine quickly and she closes the door in my face. I watch her until she disappears behind her door.
***
When I arrive home, I’m not expecting a welcome home committee.
“What?” I ask closing the door behind me. Una’s standing in the hall with her arms folded.
“Your Dad has called a family meal tonight. You have to be there no exceptions.”
“You mean our Dad.” I fire back and regret it.
She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “Why do you do that? Sabotage yourself all the time. Are you afraid that we might love you?” Una takes a step towards me.
I fold my arms across my chest. “Are you hitting on me?”
“God damn it Darragh, stop. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help. You and Shane do.” I don’t mean a word I’m saying. But I al
so don’t need an intervention.
“See. I know you don’t mean that. You’re deflecting.”
“Una. I’ve had a fucking rough day. So can we hit pause on this and pick up another time?” I’m walking around her and up the stairs.
“Dinner’s at eight.” Her words follow me all the way up onto the landing. The moment I get into my room. I light a fag. I need a drink. Opening the bottom drawer I remove a full bottle of whiskey. I’m staring at the reddish brown liquid but all I hear is Ciara telling me not to drink. The bottle is placed back in the drawer.
My bedroom is a bomb scare that I try to ignore as I pull my top off while trying not to burn it. My phone dings.
What’s up man? Want to hang out? The text is from Art. I want to smash the phone at his betrayal. Maybe he deserves to die. I put the phone down and head for the bathroom. Throwing my fag into the toilet I flush but it won’t disappear. After three flushes it finally does. Once I am in the shower I let my mind wander back to Ciara. She can be my distraction. There is no betrayal from Art or fight with Shane. Connor is still here and my father isn’t an asshole. Right now there is only Ciara, and she wants me.
Closing my fingers I take my shaft in my hand and start a slow stroke. I’m picturing Ciara lying on a hotel bed, her blouse open, her black bra is full. I try not to go too quick with my strokes but my body demands it. I skip ahead until I’m buried in her. My pace quickens as I slam my freehand against the tiles. On tippy toes I push my body faster as I picture her coming over my cock. My seed sprays the white tiles of the shower. The release allows me to relax and sink back down to my feet. That was good. That was quick, but good.
“Darragh.” Finn steps into the bathroom.
“I could have been jerking off,” I say while firing a look over my shoulder.
“Are you?” Disgust fills his voice.
I rinse myself down. “No. But can’t I have a fucking minute.”
“Sorry I’ll wait in your bedroom.”
I finish my wash quickly and get out of the shower.
“I’m very popular today,” I say when I enter my room. Finn is sitting on my unmade bed.
“Did you talk to Shane?”
I run the towel across my head. “No Una was waiting for me when I got home. Why does Shane want to make up?” I grin as I search for clean clothes.
“What’s going on with you?” Finn’s a decent skin and I know his concern is genuine. I’d normally tell him. But his wedding is a few days away.
“I drank too much last night. I’ll make up with Shane.” The relief is immediate on Finn’s face.
“Thank you.” He exhales heavily.
I turn and drop the towel. The boxers and jeans go on quickly and I turn back around.
“No problem. So we are having a family meal?” I get out a new black shirt. May as well get some wear out of them. Pulling off the tags I check myself in the mirror.
“Yeah I think Dad just wants to warn us all to be on our best behavior for my wedding.”
“You mean warn me.” I meet Finn’s eyes in the mirror.
He can’t hold my stare. “Please Darragh. Don’t make this about you.”
What the fuck did that mean. “I’ll be on my best behavior.”
“Like I haven’t heard that before.” This time Finn’s voice carries a playful tone. “I’ll see you downstairs.”
Once Finn leaves my room, I sit on my bed with my phone. I don’t feel like pretending tonight, but I have to.
What’s up man? I’m good. Just hung over. Having a family thing tonight so I’ll have to skip. Might have drinks tomorrow night? Maybe just us two like old times.
Once I send the message to Art, I get on my shoes and socks before leaving my room.
No one is in the dining room yet so I head for the kitchen. I’m starving and the smell that wafts from it has me heading in that direction.
“Mary.” I kiss her on the cheek.
She smiles up at me. “Are you okay?” It’s whispered, and that’s when I see Una and Shane sitting at the kitchen table. I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face. Shane looks far worse than me.
“I’m okay. You should see the other guy.” Mary giggles then remembers herself and gives me a half arsed stern look.
I sit down across from Una and Shane. Una stiffens but Shane stares at me like the devil just sat down.
“I’m sorry about today,” I say to Shane. Una’s eyes light up. Her hand wraps around Shane’s open fingers and she squeezes trying to get a response out of him.
“It’s not me you need to apologize to. It’s Una.”
“I’m sorry Una,” I say to her.
“I forgive you.” She smiles wide. Shane doesn’t, but he doesn’t look ready to kill me.
“Okay all into the dining room. I’m ready to start dishing this out shortly.” Mary ushers us out of the kitchen.
“Wish me luck,” I say to Mary and expect her to smile at me but I’m surprised when she makes me stay behind.
“You don’t need luck Darragh. You’re the kindest of them all. Don’t keep letting them hurt you.”
Her words have me kissing her softly on the cheek.
“As kind as Finn?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
She smiles. “Always with the last word.” She returns to the stove.
I pause at the door. “Thanks Mary.”
“For what?” she’s smiling sweetly at me.
“For believing in me.”
“Always Darragh.”
Everyone is in the room when I enter. It’s always the same set up. Liam to Fathers right, Shane to his left, this time Una sits beside Shane that’s my spot and Finn sits beside Liam. I opt to sit beside Una so I don’t have direct sight of Shane.
“I’m glad everyone came,” Father raises his glass. Not everyone I think as I pour a glass of water, Connor isn’t here. When I look up, I wonder if I have spoken out loud.
“What?” Shit I hoped I hadn’t.
“Nothing.” Una speaks up and fires a stern eye around the room.
As I lift the glass Finn smiles. I stare at the glass in my hand and it dawns on me. Everyone is staring at me because I’m having a glass of water.
“I’m just trying it out.” I tell them and a part of me hates how fucking proud they all look, especially Finn.
“Maybe you could consider not drinking the day of Finn’s wedding.” Fathers voice rings clear across the room.
Bang. There we go. All I needed to do was remain calm.
“I’ll give it a try,” I say in a big fuck you voice that I can see he heard as he clutches his wine glass.
“We would all really appreciate that.” His words are clipped as he sips his wine.
“You don’t have to do that,” Finn says.
I take a gulp of my water. “I don’t mind.”
“He does have to do it Finn. Darragh is too unpredictable with alcohol. You don’t want him ruining your wedding?”
My eyes snap to my Father and I’m wondering if he’s trying to start a row, he focuses on Finn like I’m not here.
“He said he would try so let’s take his word for it,” Liam speaks up he meets everyone’s gaze before stopping at me, a curt nod from him and the conversation about me fucking up everything ends.
I want to ruin this meal for my father. I’m considering bringing up Connor. I know that will kick off a row.
“Where’s Connor?” Una innocently asks from beside me.
I smirk.
“He’s working,” Father says smiling sweetly at Una.
“He got a job?” I ask.
My father lands his full stare on me. “He has a job just like the rest of you.”
“Father is trying to cover up something that doesn’t need to be covered up.” Liam meets my eye before speaking to Una.
“Connor struggles with the family. He wanted space, so we gave it to him. He’s safe and fine and we will all catch up at the wedding.”
I take a peek at Una
and she’s drinking up his lies like it’s a fine wine.
I wonder when we became so good at lying to other people and each other. I glance at Finn and his clenched face and hard eyes tell me he knows what really happened. Connor must have told him. When he looks at me, my stomach twists with guilt.
“I met him recently and he’s fine,” I say to Una but I’m also telling Finn. I need him to know that things are fine between me and Connor.
“What did you do?” Finn asks, and it’s like he knows I asked Connor to help me hurt someone.
“Just hung out with some friends.” Art’s betrayal is there in the front of my mind. I’m glancing at Liam and find him watching me. I have to tell him what’s happened, but not until after the wedding.
“So is Siobhan all set for the wedding?” Una slides in her question with a smile and the conversation shifts to a comfortable ground. The wedding becomes everyone’s focus. Mary brings in our dinner and it’s the only redeeming thing about this meal. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting for me to fuck up by either saying something inappropriate or taking a drink. So I eat and keep my lips sealed.
“I can’t wait until you see her in her dress Finn. She is going to blow your mind.”
“She blows my mind, anyway.” Finn’s smiling like a drunken sailor and I’m happy for him. When I look at Liam, I don’t see happiness at all. He knows I’m watching him; his eyes meet mine and it’s me who looks away.
“Before the wedding I just wanted to say a few words,” Father rises and takes his glass with him.
“The day you were born, we nearly lost your mother. I remember being called in, the chaos in the room was frightening but then you cried and everything melted away for a moment. Big blue eyes looked up at me and you stopped Finn.”
I’m wondering where I was since me and Finn are fucking twins.
“Your mother believed she was going to die, and she just asked me to promise her that I would love and care for you all.” His eyes touch each of us and I want to salute him for failing fucking miserably.
“Thankfully she pulled through and raised you all. I’m not sure what way you would have turned out otherwise. I’m proud of you Finn.” He holds his glass higher and everyone follows suit.
