Coming Undone

by Dane, Lauren

  He stood and helped her clear the table while her parents put Rennie to bed.

  “You look happy. They seem really nice. Rennie clearly adores them and that’s reciprocated.”

  She wiped the counter down and turned the dishwasher on. “Let’s walk you back to your place.”

  He took her hand, and she called up the stairs that she’d be back in a few minutes.

  “Winter is near,” she said, looking up at the clear night sky.

  “It will be. But I expect compared to New York, you’ll feel cheated. We get the big snow thing every few years, but mostly it’s mild here year-round. Are you happy they’re moving here?”

  “I feel”—she paused, looking for words—“conflicted. Guilty. I want them here. I miss them. It’s been so hard without them around, and I know Rennie is better off with them in her life regularly.”

  He motioned her toward the chairs on his porch and she sat. He followed her into the two-seater and put his arm around her shoulders.

  “Unburden yourself, Elise. I’m not going to judge you.”

  She blinked back tears and rested her head on his shoulder. “I want them here. So much that I’m not going to put up too much a fight when they sell their house and leave their community to come out here because I can’t be there.”

  “Why can’t you be there?”

  “The Sorensons are there. All their influence. And my past is there. I don’t want that looking over Rennie’s shoulder her whole life. Seattle is a fresh start for us both. She’s doing so well here. Heck, I am too. I have friends, I have a business. I have a life, and it’s been a long time since I have. So I’m selfish to want them here, but I do.”

  “Why is that selfish? And your former in-laws sound horrible.”

  “It’s selfish because their home is in New York. My father’s job is there, my mother’s students and her connections are there. Their friends. And Ken’s parents are textbook fucked up. They are vile, horrible, evil people.”

  He laughed and kissed the top of her head. “I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you say the F word. They must be horrible. Are you all right? Safe?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. For the first time in years I’m safe and things are hopeful and normal and happy. It’s a blessing being here. My kid might just make it into adulthood without having to go to therapy four times a week.”

  “Wow, your shoulders must be so strong for you to take all that weight.”

  “You don’t know me, Brody. You don’t know what I’ve done.” She stood and pulled at the hand he’d been holding until he let go. “You don’t. Don’t think I’m noble. I’m not noble.” She was a fraud.

  “Wait. Don’t go away mad.” He stood, and she put a hand out to hold him off. “Whatever it is, baby, it can’t be as bad as you think.”

  “You don’t know.”

  “So tell me. Tell me and let me help you.” He stood and she stepped back.

  “I have to go. I’ll see you soon.” Damn it, she couldn’t keep the sob from her voice, and he took a step toward her. She was down on the sidewalk, moving quickly. She would fall apart if he tried to comfort her just then.

  “Please don’t go now. You’re hurting, I hate that. Let me help you.”

  “Please. I can’t. I can’t.” She turned and ran back to her house and stood in her front hall, shaking, trying to get herself back together before her parents or Rennie saw her.

  No one knew what she was capable of. Ken did, but he was dead and she wasn’t sorry. She wasn’t sorry and she knew she should be. What sort of person wasn’t sorry that she’d killed someone?

  12

  “I’ll pick Rennie up from school today. She and I have some shopping to do.” Elise’s mother had not only made do with her new life in Seattle, she appeared to be thriving. In the weeks following Thanksgiving, she and Paul had found a house, sold their old place and planned to move in over the Christmas holidays after the deal on the new house closed.

  Rennie was thrilled to have her grandparents around once again, and the night before they’d all attended Rennie’s first-grade winter musical at school, where Martine had accompanied the children on the piano.

  Things were very good.

  Elise’s only niggling worry was the distance that had developed between her and Brody. Maybe she was imagining it, but she hadn’t seen much of him since that night on his porch. First there was Thanksgiving, where they’d both been busy with familial commitments, and then afterward she’d been helping with her parents’ house hunting, dealing with her own preparations for her school’s winter showcase and one Rennie-type school thing after the other. They’d spoken here and there, he’d called her, she’d called him. But they hadn’t been together since before Thanksgiving, and she wondered if he’d grown tired of her or, worse, had thought badly of her after her breakdown on his porch.

  “Okay, thanks. I’ll be home for dinner. I just want to work on this last bit for the showcase. It’s stupid to dance myself. I’m the teacher; it’s about them.”

  Her mother just put a hand on her hip. “You’re not just any teacher. Let’s be honest. You’re a star. You’re what these girls want to be. Of course they want to see you dance. Every time you show them something, they all stop and stare at you like you’re magic. I suppose you are, bebe. My star.” She hugged Elise and kissed both cheeks. “Shine. They’ll shine too, but do your two minutes and enjoy it. I’m off. I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Make sure Rennie doesn’t have homework. I know it’s right before break, but she might have something.”

  “Does it look like I fell off the mother truck yesterday? Darling, Matthias was a master at homework avoidance and he made it through school. Too bad I couldn’t train him to be a master of heroin avoidance, eh?”

  That familiar pain flared. “Or I could have not brought Ken into his world.”

  Martine shook her head. “Elise, are you so silly you think Matthias never did drugs before Ken? Remember, darling, he’d been to rehab once already by the time you started dating Ken. Matthias, as beautiful a soul as he was, did not die because of you, or Ken, or even me or Daddy. He died because he never did have any concept of moderation. It made you want to look at him the moment he walked into a room. But it made him cheat on girlfriends and shoplift and drive too fast and shoot up heroin until it killed him. Here’s the present I want to give you for Christmas, Elise. I want you to be responsible for what is yours and to let go of everyone else’s failings. Eh? I’m trying it too. We can work on it together.”

  “I love you, Mama.” Elise allowed herself some tears, some comfort. “I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for being here.”

  “I love you too. We wouldn’t be anywhere else. You know as well as anyone that home is where your loved ones are. Daddy and I don’t have any strings tying us to New York anymore. We like it here and that’s that. Now, get to work while your daughter and I go spend money.”

  She stretched and warmed up and then put the music on. Some years prior she’d been in a production of Carmina Burana with the Boston Symphony. The interlude was short enough, not overly difficult, but it certainly showcased many different skills most of the advanced students should have mastered and be polishing.

  As usual, she lost herself in the dance, fell into the music and the steps. Quick and slow, fouettés, pirouettes, jetés, it all flowed through her, these things she’d been doing over and over like a ritual since childhood.

  When she finished, totally elated, knees a bit sore but feeling good, he was there in the doorway. She’d missed him more than she’d allowed herself to think about. Talking on the phone and waving hello here and there wasn’t the same as being alone with him.

  “I can never quite put into words, after I see you dance, just how beautiful it is. How beautiful you are. The stuff you do blows me away.”

  “Today I’m feeling distinctly not bad for an old woman.” She looked up into his face, liking the curve of his lips. It was still there, t
hat whatever they had between them. “I’ve missed you.” It cost her a bit of pride to say it, but Brody was worth it.

  He moved to her, pulling her into a hug. “Me too. I need to kiss you” was all she heard before his lips brushed against hers softly and then more boldly as she reached up to twine her arms around his neck, arching her body against his.

  “Mmm. That’s nice,” she murmured as he kissed along her shoulder.

  “Tell me you don’t have to go anywhere.”

  “I have a little while before I need to go home. Wait here.” She grabbed her keys and ran down the stairs to lock up. She didn’t have any more classes that day, but she didn’t want anyone else walking in.

  Her hands shook as the need for him began to take over, making her rush to get back to him.

  Brody wasn’t sure what had happened. He’d headed to her studio after not touching her for three weeks. He needed to see her, to talk to her alone. The phone calls had been all their busy schedules had allowed, but he needed more and he could admit it. After that night where she’d revealed so much of herself on his porch, he’d been overwhelmed by how much she made him feel like protecting and taking care of her. He felt a lot more for her than he’d ever planned to, and he needed some distance to work it through. As he’d rolled out of bed that morning, he knew he’d been a dumbass for not seeking her out. Knew he needed her in his life and accepted it.

  He needed her companionship. Missed the spot she filled in his life. He wanted to take a walk down to the Market or something, maybe grab a drink or a coffee, then he’d come to the top of those steps to find her dancing.

  The look on her face when she’d stopped, so much joy. And the joy hadn’t fallen away when she caught sight of him, easing a knot he’d been carrying since that night on his porch. Suddenly he wanted her then, hard and fast.

  When she got back from locking the door, he pulled her to him as they stood at the top of the stairs leading down to the door. The kiss was a wild recipe of tongues and teeth, of sighs and entreaty as hands shoved and pulled at clothing to remove it or, in his case, get it out of the way so he could get to her best parts. Each bit of her exposed to his touch as he removed clothing called to him. Called for a taste, a kiss, a caress. And so he did.

  Dropping to his knees, yanking at her bottom half, he thanked heaven above she was wearing leggings rather than tights. He made quick work of them, pulling them off over the ridiculously hot and yet totally complicated toe shoes whose removal would waste time. Time he’d prefer to spend inside her.

  She grabbed the railing, holding fast to keep from falling over faint at how good his mouth felt, hot and wet, against her inner thigh.

  “Here. I want you here.”

  As if she’d argue. But he still had his jeans on, they were only unzipped. His shirt was off, and she looked down as his mouth found another place she liked too. The firebird marking his back looked extra sexy as she looked from this angle, with his head, those thick, dark curls of his, bent over, his mouth on her pussy like a starving man’s.

  She tumbled into orgasm quicker than she’d expected to, but she wasn’t about to argue with her body. There was only so much masturbating one could engage in with parents and a small child under her roof. Not that her fingers or any toy felt this good.

  “There now,” he murmured, petting her thighs, “the edge is off. On your knees facing away from me, gorgeous. On this step here.” He patted the step and she moved to obey, even as her muscles felt like warm goo. Happily, she noted the removal of his jeans before she turned around and braced her hands on the top step.

  The sound of the condom wrapper tearing open made her gasp with joy, and they laughed together at her response. “I know, I want it too. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for so long.” She rested her forehead against her arm for just a moment until she felt the slippery pressure of his cock at her entrance, pushing to get inside.

  A gasping moan trickled from her as she arched her back and he slid into her fully.

  So good, so fucking good he nearly lost his mind with it. He wanted to rut on her, cover her with his body, his scent, until all she felt, saw, smelled, was him. Her body fit around him so tight and inferno-hot, pleasure clawed at his gut, pulled him into her body, and he never wanted to leave.

  Sex with Elise wasn’t just fun, it was the most intensely pleasurable experience he’d ever had. Every time he touched her, he wanted her again, until need made him blind. Not having her for three weeks had nearly driven him insane.

  But what got to him so deeply right then was the sense of home he felt when he was with her. The empty or sharp spots inside him were soothed as well as excited just because she existed. No one had that kind of effect on him but her. He’d missed it, missed her. And thank God she’d missed him too.

  He thrust into her, hard and fast, her little puffs of breath echoing through the narrow area they were in. He found her spine so alluring, each bump and dip of her vertebrae covered in that pale, satiny soft skin. Leaning down, he kissed the line of her back, tasting sweetness and exertion, the salt of her skin.

  Her moan vibrated through her bones and flesh, into him, exciting him further. Her belly trembled beneath the fingers he stroked across it as he moved down to her clit. Her cunt gripped him tight when he stroked over it softly.

  “I don’t know if I can,” she said.

  He licked over her shoulder blade. “You can, gorgeous, and you will. Just let go and come again for me.”

  A broken sob escaped her as she came around him. He clenched his jaw, gritting his teeth, trying to hold out, but she felt so damned good he couldn’t stop, and her orgasm brought his own as he pressed in deep and held himself there.

  When he came back from the small bathroom adjacent to her office, she’d put herself to rights, having exchanged the toe shoes for a pair of sneakers.

  He sat next to her on the top stair. “Those shoes are wicked pretty, but what a pain.”

  She laughed. “Toe shoes? All of us have fallen or lost balance when a shoe came undone. Makes you careful.”

  He nodded. “Makes sense. It just impedes me in getting you naked enough to fuck when you’re wearing them with tights.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. How have you been?”

  He wavered a moment, wondering if he should just fess up that he’d needed some space, but decided he’d only hurt her. Besides, he’d come through it feeling even stronger about her and their connection, so it wasn’t necessary to say anything.

  “Crazy busy. We’ve been down one of our full-time artists and then Raven decided it was too cold to stick around until the end of the year and went to Florida. So the shop has been insane. I’ll be able to buy nicer presents though.”

  Her lips wore a very brief smirk. “She just left you in the lurch like that?”

  “I’ve known Raven for about fifteen years now. She is who she is. You can’t make her anything else.” He shrugged.

  She didn’t look convinced.

  “What?”

  She shook her head. “Oh, no way. She’s important to you, clearly an ex of some sort on some level. This is a no-win for me.”

  “I want you to be honest with me.” He drew his knuckles down her throat and through the hollow at the base. He liked the way her breath hitched and her pulse jumped. “It’s easy to misunderstand her. Many people do and she does have poor interpersonal skills. She’s abrasive. I’m not going to be offended by anything you say.”

  “I’m not you and I don’t have anyone like Raven in my life now. But I did at one point and I found it exhausting to love him. My brother is a lot, was a lot like Raven. And people used to let him get away with it because he was”—she paused, licking her lips— “special. There was no one like Matthias. He was, when he was in a good way, so much fun to be with. He’d be gone for like four months without a word. He’d miss important events and never apologize. But out of the blue he’d show up with some seashell he found in Bali and carried back just to show
me the pink and to tell me a story about the sunset. The color of the sky was the same pink. He gave it to me so I could have a piece of the joy he felt when he saw that sunset.”

  She paused, looking off into the space ahead of her. Something deep stirred in her face, and he put an arm around her shoulders, craving more from her. Wanting her to share.

  “He was five years older than me, so I idolized him when I was growing up. He was vibrant and so much fun. If he was in a good way and focused on others, he would do anything for the people he loved. But over time, good Matthias was around less and less. I suppose, deep down inside, Raven pushes my buttons for more than one reason. I don’t like seeing her be careless with you in a way that it impacts your business.”

  “And the other reason?”

  She licked her lips. “Even the most well-adjusted woman on the planet would be weirded out by the constant inclusion of the exgirlfriend of the man she’s seeing. It’s petty, I admit it.”

  “I’m sorry about your brother. I can’t deny the similarities. She’s got a lot of talent and she just floats around, never trying too hard. But I’m not her brother. Behavior like hers from Erin or Adrian would be really hard to endure and not be hurt by.” He kissed her forehead. “As for her being my ex. It’s complicated. Do you have time for the story?”

  “I want to hear it, but I need to get home for dinner. I promised Rennie, and she’s been shopping with my mother, which is frightening, but at least it’s not my credit card. Hey, would you like to come? It’s chili day at my house. I started it in the slow cooker so I can come home and it’ll make me feel all domestic and accomplished.”

  He laughed.

  “If not, maybe you can come over later for a glass of wine?”

  “Can I tell you something?”

  “Of course.”

  She let him pull her to standing as he took her bag, and they headed downstairs as she turned things off and locked up.

  “Yes, I’d like to come to dinner. I haven’t hung out with Rennie in a while, so I imagine there are many new developments I need to be apprised of.”