Rae caught him watching her and grinned. “You’ll get used to us, James.”
“I’m enjoying it,” he replied, watching her blush slightly.
Lace saw the blush and turned to look at him. He winked. James saw Lace hesitate a moment and glance back at Rae. Then a wide smile crossed her face. “Dave,” Lace called, “we want to go canoeing this morning. But I’m riding with you. Rae sent me into the drink last time.”
Dave appeared in the doorway, munching on a piece of bacon. “Only if I’m steering.”
“You can steer,” Lace agreed, getting up to clear her place.
“Lace, I wanted to lounge on the patio with a book,” Rae remarked, stacking the plates.
“No, you don’t. You want to go canoeing.”
Rae looked at her friend, puzzled. “Okay.” She glanced over at Patricia and James. “Either one of you want to go canoeing?”
“The kids and I have a date with a pair a horses,” Patricia replied, smiling.
“Can I steer?” James asked quietly.
Rae looked at him, finally caught the byplay between him and Lace, flushed, then laughed. “Sure.” She snagged her friend’s sweater. “Come on, Lace. You need to put those plates in the sink.”
Lace let herself get tugged out of the room. “I need to put these plates in the sink,” she agreed, winking back at James.
Dave watched them go with a rueful smile. He tugged out his chair with his foot. “It is going to be a long week.”
James laughed. He had a feeling both he and Dave were going to enjoy it.
“Do you want to beach the canoe and rest your wrists for a while?”
James smiled. “Relax, Rae. I’m fine. That’s the fourth time you’ve asked.”
“You’re here to recover, not make matters worse.”
She rested her paddle across the bow and leaned over to watch a school of sunfish slide by near the surface.
She had a nice back. He’d been admiring the view for the last hour.
His wrists were sore, but not intolerable. His shirt was almost dry. There had been a laughter-filled water fight between the two canoes about forty minutes back. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in months. Nothing to do but drift with the current and spend time with a beautiful lady.
The canoe way ahead of them rocked wildly and Rae ducked her head so as not to look. “Tell me she isn’t trying to stand up.”
James chuckled. “Okay, I won’t.”
Lace somehow managed to turn around without tipping the canoe over. “Want to catch up with them?” James asked.
Rae shook her head. “They are probably debating the ethics of civil litigation again. I’ll pass.”
“What does Lace do for a living, anyway?”
Rae resumed paddling, her movements sure and smooth. It added a slight sway to her back. “It’s more a question of what she hasn’t done. She’s the daughter of a federal judge and a district attorney. She’s got a law degree, but more because it’s what the family does than anything else. She’s forgotten more law than most lawyers ever learn. She doesn’t like to settle down. She’s worked in international banking, edited textbooks, worked for Senator White. She’s currently doing some consulting work for a sports management firm downtown.”
“Was that where you three met? College?”
“I’ve known Lace since I was nine. We met Dave and Leo at Northwestern. We made an awesome foursome. Dave the fighter for justice, Leo the energy, Lace the constant new interests, and me the practical planner.”
James smiled. “You’re also the hub they revolve around.”
“That’s because I’m always there doing the same thing,” Rae replied with a smile. “I’m a creature of habit.”
“You grew up with your grandmother?”
“My parents died in a car wreck when I was nine. We were living in Texas at the time. The next day this wonderful lady in her fifties appeared and said, ‘Don’t worry. You’ve still got me.’ I had heard about her all my life, got Christmas presents and birthday gifts, but not seen her since I was about five. The day we arrived at her house in Chicago, five inches of snow fell. I thought I had moved to another planet.”
James smiled. She had loved her grandmother a lot, he could hear it in her voice. He caught a glimpse of golden brown and dipped his paddle deep, turned the canoe twenty degrees to the left. “Look behind that fallen tree.” A deer had come down to the water’s edge to drink.
“She’s beautiful,” Rae whispered.
The animal raised its head, paused, then went back to drinking.
They watched for several minutes. The animal picked its way over driftwood, then slipped back into the woods.
“Want to try out those sandwiches Patricia sent?” There was a clearing up ahead of them.
Rae picked up her paddle. “Sure.”
“So, did you have a good time?”
Rae rolled onto her side in the spacious bed, half smiled at the question from the other side of the dark room. “I can’t believe you set me up.”
“He’s a nice guy.”
Rae smiled in the darkness. “Yes, he is. He’s also leaving the country in less than three months,” she pointed out, being practical.
“That’s tomorrow’s problem,” Lace replied. “It was good to see you enjoying yourself.”
“Lace, I always enjoy a vacation.”
“Not since Leo died.”
Rae bit her bottom lip. “I really miss him, Lace.”
“I know you do,” came the soft reply. “You okay?”
It had been a nice day, but it had been hard. The cabin was yet another place filled with memories of Leo. She had missed Leo’s tap on the door, waking her up at 5:00 a.m. to go fishing, missed having him fix breakfast for them. She had enjoyed the afternoon with James. He didn’t seem to mind the silence or the space she preferred. It was almost better, knowing he was going back to Africa—easier at least. The last thing she wanted to even consider was risking getting hurt again. “Yeah, I’m okay.” She would be. When God helped her fix the hole in her heart. “Remember those canoe races Leo and Dave used to have?”
“Holding that rope across the water for a finish line was not one of our more well thought out actions,” Lace replied.
Rae laughed softly. They had both been pulled into the water when the guys reached up and grabbed the rope. “They had to have been planning that one for weeks ahead of time.”
“You got Dave good last night, by the way.”
“Thanks. Watch my back for me, okay? I have no idea how he’s going to retaliate.”
“I’ll do my best,” Lace promised. “’Night, Rae.”
“’Night, Lace.”
Rae wished she had brought her jacket. It was late afternoon. The breeze coming up from the lake made it cool in the shade. She had hiked to the highest point near the cabin, a hill that let her look out over the water. They had been at the cabin for three days, and the slow, easy pace had taken away a sense of strain that she had not been aware she was carrying.
God, You know what Psalm 37 says. Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. I feel like that promise got broken.
The prayer was a soft one. Rae settled back against the trunk of a tree and watched the water.
…the desires of your heart… That’s what she felt had been taken from her with Leo’s death. She’d had a relationship with him, a deep one, a relationship that had been heading somewhere. Leo knew her, inside, where she rarely let many people in.
God, why did You rip away what was the desire of my heart?
She tilted her head back and watched puffy clouds drift across the blue sky. For the first time in over a year, she felt a sense of peace settle inside.
“What’s wrong? You’re frowning.”
A cold soda appeared at her elbow. Rae looked up from her laptop. James had begun to join her most afternoons on the patio, and while she would not admit it to Lace, she had begun to look forward to his company.
“I think I need to rewrite chapter eighteen.”
“Rae, the story is fine.” He’d been up until 2:00 a.m. reading the manuscript. It was more than fine, it was wonderful. She just needed the courage to finish it.
“I think it’s slow.”
He pulled over a chair. “Give me the printout. Let me see.”
She shifted the book holding down the manuscript pages and gave him the last four chapters. She gratefully drank the soda as she watched him read.
It was odd, how far their relationship had come in five days. She’d never expected to be so comfortable around him. She’d relaxed, and he’d turned into a very good friend.
“Read it again without page 314, I bet that’s what you’re sensing is wrong.”
She paged back and forth in the on-line text. “That’s it. It’s too technical.”
He picked up his own drink. “I want an autographed copy when it’s published.”
“James, it may never get finished, let alone find a publisher.”
He smiled. “You’ll finish it. You’ve got, what, another five hundred pages to go?”
She laughed. “Trust me to choose a big story to tell.”
“I like the fact you think big.”
She blinked. Smiled. “The kids catching any fish?”
“Emily’s got six and Dave’s only caught two. Emily’s decided it is time to start giving him pointers, he’s letting the team down.”
Rae laughed. “How are Lace and Tom doing?”
“Scheming. They disappeared about an hour ago for what Tom called a ‘super-duper’ spot.”
“That sounds like Tom. Got the time? Patricia asked to be woken up at four.”
He glanced at his watch. “She’s got another half hour.”
“She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”
James grinned. “I sure think so. She was eating pickles for breakfast this morning.”
He leaned back in his chair to pick up the book on the lounge chair that Rae had been reading that morning. Richard Foster’s book on prayer. He liked her reading selection. “Is this one good?”
“Very.”
“Bookstores and hot fudge sundaes were the two things I missed most about the States.”
“I don’t imagine the vanilla ice cream in Africa is the same as a Dairy Queen here.”
“Didn’t even come close. Want to ride to town with me to find some good ice cream?”
His offer caught her off guard.
Interesting…she looked like a doe caught in a car’s headlights. “I promised Tom a banana split for having thrown a perfect spiral,” he said gently. He’d just walked into something that caused her pain and he had no idea what it was.
“I think I’ll pass.”
There was the clatter of feet and the sound of laughter from the front porch. James squeezed her shoulder gently before walking inside to meet the fishing champs.
Several hours later, James carefully set the sack he held down on the kitchen counter. He flexed his wrist which had threatened to drop the package. The rest was helping, but he had such a long way to go before his body recovered. The only thing predictable was the pain. He would be so grateful to be able to do normal tasks like carry in the groceries without having to think about them first. Tom had disappeared down to the pavilion.
“Thank you, James,” his sister said, walking in behind him. “I didn’t mean to leave you with the groceries to carry in.”
“It was three bags, Patricia,” he said ruefully; the pain made it feel like thirty. “How’s Emily’s hand?”
“It’s barely a scratch. A Band-Aid fixed it.” She started putting away the groceries. “Since we’ve got cornmeal, should I deep-fry the fish as well as make hush puppies?”
“Most of the fish are bluegills—they are going to dress as popcorn pieces, so I would plan to deep-fry them. Do we have some newspaper we can use?”
“Under the sink, there’s a stash just for cleaning fish.”
James found them. “Thanks.”
He glanced around as he left the cabin, then walked down to join Dave and Lace and the kids where they were preparing to clean the fish they had caught that afternoon. Rae was nowhere in sight.
It bothered him that he’d upset her with his earlier invitation to get ice cream. He had unintentionally touched a raw memory, and he needed to know that she was okay.
She’d been disappearing occasionally, taking some long walks. Hopefully, that was where she had headed this time.
She was getting her endurance back; she had made it to the top of the trail without being so out of breath she felt ready to collapse. Rae settled on the big rock that made a comfortable perch from which she could see most of the sandy stretch of beach. She had forty minutes before dinner, and had decided to take advantage of the time. She thought best when she hiked.
James’s invitation had touched a raw nerve. There was no way he could have known Leo had taken her to that Dairy Queen the last summer they’d spent here. It bothered her that a simple question could throw her so badly.
She knew one reason the pain was lingering.
They would have had a child by now.
She wanted children. Deep inside, being a mother was part of who she wanted to be. She and Leo had talked at some length about having children, how they would restructure the business to let her work from home. She had been looking forward to having children almost as much as she had been looking forward to being married. She liked being single, but for a season in her life, not forever. She had been looking forward to his proposal. Learning he had been carrying the ring with him the night he had died had nearly broken her heart. It had simply been another indication of how unfairly life had treated her. She had been so close to the life she wanted, longed to have. It wasn’t fair that it had been wrenched away from her.
The dream of having children was growing more distant.
She had lost so much of her life when Leo died.
It was so hard to keep letting go of pieces of her life. She propped her chin on her hand, rubbed her eyes. She liked to think, to plan, to look at the future. At times like this, she wanted to curse that part of her nature.
She had her work left, her book. Dave and Lace. An indefinite time of still being single.
The passion to earn money for her clients had disappeared during the last year. Two years ago the business had been something she had been willing to pour her life into, she had valued its success. Since Leo’s death, the work had lost its compelling fascination. She was still good at it. She was even learning how to do Leo’s job with reasonable skill. But it worried her that her heart wasn’t in it, that her drive was gone. She had thought the vacation would help her be prepared to go back to work strong and focused and full of energy. Instead, the vacation was only contrasting how strongly she really didn’t want to go back.
She was going to have to make some changes. She knew that. There were no margins left in her life, no time left in her schedule. It had been good and necessary in the past year to be so overwhelmingly busy, but she knew she could not continue in that mode another year.
There had to be a partner she would be comfortable working with, someone who could take Leo’s place. She had been looking for a year to find someone who was a good trader, who had a track record to match Leo’s. She wasn’t having much luck. It was time to find someone who could replace her function, be the primary analyst, so she could consider moving permanently to Leo’s trading position. It made her slightly sick to think about it, but the reality was, she couldn’t carry both jobs indefinitely.
She tugged the notebook out of her pocket, looked again at the list she had been writing. So many components of the job had fallen behind due to lack of time. They weren’t visible yet, but in another six months they would be. She had to hire a trader soon to free up her time to do the analysis. Every time she looked at the list of work to be done, Rae knew the decision had to be made.
The decision would have been made
in the past over a cup of coffee and a stolen few minutes in Leo’s office. It would have been decided and acted upon in a day. She hated running the business alone. The risks had been shared in the past, the decisions balanced by two opinions and two points of view.
She needed to accept and go on, build a life she would enjoy living.
It was a difficult proposition.
She didn’t want the life she had.
She wanted the life she had lost.
“What’s wrong?” Lace dropped down beside James on the steps. He gestured toward the campfire they had built down by the pavilion.
“Rae. She’s restless tonight.”
She had also been avoiding him all evening. He watched her get up from where she had been sitting, studying the fire, and pace down to the lake again. He hadn’t meant to stir up her pain, and it was obvious that he had. She had looked strained when she came back from her walk, tired, and the sadness had been back in her eyes. He hated seeing it.
“How close were they, Lace?”
“Rae and Leo?”
James nodded.
“That last year, you would swear they were able to read each other’s thoughts.”
Lace pushed her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “Leo lived life with intensity. That’s what drew people to him. He had the energy and boldness and courage to switch directions on a dime, take big risks. Rae was the perfect fit for him. She has the focus and depth and thirst for details necessary to break apart the problems, quantify them and see a way to make his vision happen.”
James, watching Lace, saw deep concern etched in her face. “She hasn’t been the same since Leo died. The sparkle that used to be inside when she talked about work is gone. They fed off each other, and she’s lost without him. I think she’s found the business was Leo’s dream, one she had borrowed, and now that Leo’s gone, she’s trying to learn to do what he did naturally—take risks—and she’s scared to death. She’s not designed to take risks, it’s not in her personality. To compensate, she’s working hours that will put her into an early grave. About the only time I see glimpses of the old Rae is when she’s working on her book.”
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