by Rachel Dove
Kate touched my face, cupping my cheeks between her hands, and turned me to face her. ‘I am so sorry, Captain. I am so sorry. You need to stay calm, your stitches are still fresh.’
It was then that I realised that the noise was coming from me, but I still couldn’t stop it. It was like my soul was ripping itself in two, and I laid back against the covers as my head swam.
Looking down at my legs again, I closed my eyes tight.
‘Put the cover back,’ I begged. Kate wrapped me up again, checking the monitor, her face a mask of stricken pain.
‘Do you need more pain relief?’ she asked softly. I nodded, and she turned to the fluid bag my IV drip was connected to.
I looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to catch sight of my broken body under the sheets.
Kate took a seat in the chair beside me, and I turned my head to look at her. Her face soothed me, and I didn’t have the strength to unpick at the whys and wherefores in that moment.
‘You were crashing, so I made a call. You didn’t make it, we had to revive you twice. I had no choice, you must know that.’
I felt as though she had slapped me. ‘You took my leg?’ I said gruffly.
I watched tears spring into her eyes, and she swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek, and she wiped at it quickly, erasing the evidence.
‘Yes, I did.’
I nodded. The drugs started to kick in again, the pain in my body numbing. I didn’t try to fight the sleep that was coming, it felt like sweet oblivion was sweeping in to take me away, and I welcomed it. I whispered something, my voice giving out, and Kate leaned closer, her ear hovering over my mouth. I caught the scent of her perfume in my nostrils, and I felt a twitch in my lower body. I would have laughed at the inappropriateness of it all, but I couldn’t muster the energy.
‘What did you say?’ she asked. She went to fill a cup with water and put the straw near my mouth. I took a sip and felt the coolness of the water drifting down my throat. I tried again to spit out the words that were screaming inside my brain like a pinball in an arcade machine.
‘You should have let me die,’ I breathed, and sleep took me under.
CHAPTER FIVE
‘What the hell are you playing at, Kate?’ Trevor boomed as she entered his office. ‘The nursing staff tell me you did an unauthorised amputation on Cooper. Last I heard, he was crashing and we had instructions to let him go down. He told us we didn’t have permission to operate, but you did it anyway. Do you know how much trouble you are in?’ Trevor was pacing up and down behind his desk, Cooper’s file bouncing around in his hands as he gesticulated wildly with his arms. ‘Abby says he didn’t change his mind, but he didn’t sign the DNR either. The staff weren’t sure what to do, but you knew! We were both there when he told us his choice. Not only have you probably pissed off a decorated serviceman, but you have jeopardised your own career, and the work that we do here. Do you know what bad press can do for our operations? They could shut us down Kate, and then we can’t help our guys out here.’
Kate was unapologetic. She couldn’t regret her decision. She wouldn’t. He had to live, she couldn’t explain why this man meant so much to her, at this point in time and place. He irritated the hell out of her. He spoke to her like he was living in the fifties in a bad guys and dolls movie. He was stubborn, surly, moody. Yet she couldn’t bear to think of him just slipping away. She knew in her gut that he wasn’t done. Even if no one else could see it, and it cost her career, if she knew he made it, she knew she would never regret her decision. All or nothing.
Cooper hadn’t spoken again, he was still sleeping off the meds. She had stayed at his bedside all night, checking his vitals, and now she had a crick in her neck and a heavy weight deep in the pit of her stomach. She had watched him sleep fitfully, his temperature spiking as his body fought off the remnants of the infection. Around five that morning, he had turned the corner, his vitals stabilising. Taking his leg had saved his life, and Kate was so relieved she could cry. His words however, would haunt her for the rest of her days, and she wasn’t looking forward to facing him once he woke up. She wondered whether he would ever be thankful for what she did, given time and a new life. Hopefully she could help him get to that stage before he went home. Talk him around. Trevor must have read her thoughts, and the look he gave her told her that he was in full on professional mode.
‘You are off the case Kate, I advise you to keep a low profile. He didn’t put his wishes in writing, so when he wakes up, we will just have to see how it plays out. I will try to protect you if I can, but you need to realise just how serious this is, and how stupid you have been.’
Kate shook her head. ‘You told me to save him, I saved him. He can’t expect us to just let him die, I would rather live with one leg than die.’
Trevor stared at her, his anger evident in his expression. ‘Exactly. You would. That would be your choice, too. The fact is Kate, he is a grown man, an army man, he knew what he wanted and you listened and still chose to ignore him. It is exactly that – his life, not yours. What you would do in his shoes is irrelevant, and you know it.’ Trevor winced at his own choice of words, but said nothing. He looked tired, and Kate realised that had they not been such good friends, she would already be relieved of duty and on the next plane home.
She nodded at him, accepting his words and looking down at the floor. She turned to leave when her phone rang. Seeing her husband’s name flash up on her screen, she looked at Trevor. ‘It’s Neil.’
He waved her away. ‘I will speak to you later, but Kate, I’m disappointed. I taught you better than this.’
His words hit her like a bullet to the heart, and she flinched. She didn’t trust herself not to cry, so she kept her mouth shut, hitting the answer button on her phone.
‘What?’ She shouted down the phone. Neil’s voice sprang back just as angry. Great, now she had annoyed him. She had pushed her mood straight down his throat, when they were meant to be figuring things out. She walked towards her bed, wishing that the day was over already.
CHAPTER SIX
Abby came into the small office area off the ward, to see Kate surrounded by various charts and files.
‘He got you doing paperwork? I swear, he’s in such a rotten mood today.’ Kate smiled at her friend, standing up from her position sprawled out on the hard canvas covered floor and stretching out her aching limbs.
‘Yep, it’s my punishment, and I am afraid the bad mood is probably down to me too. I’m really sorry that I put you all in that position. It was my choice, you shouldn’t have to suffer.’
‘I get it Kate, you had the ability to save him, and you didn’t want to let him just slip away like that. I get it. Anyway, it’s done with now. He’s alive. Trevor is more pissed at you than us.’ Abby nodded to the countertop, clicking on the kettle. ‘Coffee?’
Kate looked at the desk next to her, where an assortment of dirty cups littered the surfaces. ‘Sure, one more can’t hurt. I won’t sleep anyway. You might need a mug though.’ She got to work, dumping all the crockery into the sink and washing them. She passed two mugs to Abby, who was busy munching away on a cereal bar like a starving squirrel. ‘How is he?’
Abby snorted. ‘I told you, he has a major bee in his bonnet. He’s making anyone who doesn’t look exhausted already clean everything in sight. I thought one of the soldiers was going to punch him earlier. He didn’t—’
‘No,’ Kate said, moving closer. ‘How is he?’
Abby’s eyes sparked with recognition. ‘Ooh, HIM!’ She stage whispered the rest. ‘He’s stable, but still out. He’s hopefully going to be weaned off the meds a bit tonight, we’ll see how he feels then. The operation worked though, signs of sepsis are gone.’
Kate felt her heart beat, as though it had taken a misstep. ‘Drain? Any signs of wound infection, tissue necrosis? Urine output?’
Abby took the barrage of questions in her stride. ‘Drain should be out tomorro
w, no infection or necrosis. The site looks good Kate, you did a good job. Urine output is low, but he was a little dehydrated from the field anyway. We’re still pushing fluids.’
Kate ran through the knowledge in her head, looking for anything she missed. Abby tapped her on the arm.
‘Kate, you didn’t miss anything. He made it. He will make it. You did good. For what it’s worth.’
Kate didn’t hear the praise. She just thought about what it would take to get to see him before he left. She had to make him understand, even though she wasn’t entirely sure herself what her reasons were. She thought of her conversation with Neil earlier. Yet again he had called to moan about how much he had to do; the washing, Jamie, work. He was mad at her for leaving, though he never said it outright. It just hung in the air between them. He seemed different, more stressed, distracted. She had apologised, as she always did; she apologised for choosing to keep chasing her own career, quenching her own drives while the product of her womb was cared for by another. He was looked after by his own father, who helped make him, but this of course went unsaid, as usual. She often wondered what the world would look like if humans were like seahorses, and the men had to carry babies through to birth. Odds on, it would grind to a shuddering halt.
‘Has he been awake at all?’
Abby shook her head, making the coffees for them both. ‘Nope, thankfully. He needs the rest. Does his family know? I haven’t checked his file yet for contact details.’
Kate shook her head. ‘No, he has no one.’
Abby pursed her lips. ‘Jesus. Well, he had someone to fight for him. If it means anything, I think you were right. I’m sorry I got in your way. You have some balls, Kate Harper.’
Kate took a sip of her own drink, feeling the jolt of caffeine top up her already wired body.
‘Thanks,’ she said, heading back over to the piles of paper she still had to wade through. ‘I hope they both see it that way, eventually.’
Abby went to head out, but Kate’s voice stopped her.
‘Abs, if you get an opportunity, I’d like to see him … if you could turn a blind eye.’
Abby spoke without turning around. ‘Keep your phone on. I’ll text you when the coast is clear, but if he catches you, I wasn’t part of it and I absolutely oppose your decision. I need the reference.’ Kate saluted her.
‘Ten four. I get it, no warpath for Abby. Appreciate it, thanks.’
Abby gave her a fake cheesy grin. ‘Right, time to pretend I am very happy to be working with him today, and everything is sunshine and rainbows!’ She waggled her phone at Kate, before thrusting it back into her zip pocket. ‘Phone.’
Kate nodded and Abby left, leaving her alone with the piles and piles of charting and silent recriminations of her actions and words of the last few days.
***
Kate was back in her bunk, sleeping off the exhaustion and taut limbs that a day full of paperwork and reasoning with Neil in her head had brought on when her phone beeped. She jerked awake, reaching for the handset. Abby had messaged an emoji of a pair of eyes, with the words COAST CLEAR. Kate deleted the text quickly, and sprang from her bed. She shoved a clean pair of scrubs on, dressing quickly and quietly as others slept and relaxed around her. She turned her phone to silent, not wanting it to go off while she was in the medical tent. It was late, and the patients would be sleeping. She entered the tent, and thankfully there was only Abby there. Abby had her back to her, bent over her desk, but she waved her hand towards Cooper’s bed. Plausible deniability. The girl was smart. Kate took a breath and looked around. There were only three patients in the beds, the others having been patched up or medevac’d home. Kate walked over to the Captain’s bed, looking to see if he too was asleep. She neared the foot of the bed, and he turned his head to face her. He had been awake, seemingly staring at the wall. Kate felt a jolt as he looked straight into her eyes. He looked pale and exhausted, his jaw set like a block of stone. The green of his eyes weren’t diminished though, and she had a flashback to the day he came in. The look in them was very different today. There was nothing in them but hate, reflected straight back at her.
Kate stopped walking, looking across at the chair at the side of the bed.
‘Do you mind if I sit?’
He didn’t say anything at first, he just looked at her with those green eyes. He was acting like he was chewing his tongue. She wondered if he was suffering. She took a step closer to the chair.
‘I’m sorry, are you in pain?’ She went to reach for his chart. ‘I can ask Abby to give you some pain relief, I just need to check—’
‘Don’t touch my chart. I don’t want you anywhere near me.’ Kate’s hand stilled.
‘I understand you’re upset, but I just came to check on you.’
He chuckled under his breath. ‘Check you haven’t got a dead man on your hands you mean. You might still have, so I hope you kept my leg. I would like to be buried whole.’
‘Captain, I—’
‘—am not interested in anything you have to say, Doc. I will be suing you for not following my orders. I never asked you to save me. In fact, I pretty much insisted that you do the opposite.’
Kate noticed that Abby had stood up and was making her way over, a panicked look on her face.
‘Kate,’ she whispered. ‘Everything okay?’
Cooper growled. ‘Great, sure. She was just trying to save her rich bloke some money on lawsuits.’
Kate turned back to look at him, and she felt her guilt and worry turn to rage.
‘My rich bloke?’ Abby reached for her arm, but she shrugged her off. ‘I earn more than my husband ever has, and I’m not some pathetic woman that you can shout down with your big scary temper and your macho muscles.’
His lip twitched, but his face turned back to anger quickly. ‘You’re a doctor; you do what the patient says.’
‘Exactly, I’m a doctor, I took an oath to save lives. I could save you, so I did!’
‘I never asked you to!’ This was boomed out, and Cooper started coughing. His monitor beeped faster. Abby rushed to his bedside, helping him to sit up a little.
‘Kate, you need to go. Now.’ Kate looked at them both, Cooper still coughing and wincing in pain, and turned on her heel. She didn’t stop till she was back in her bunk, which was when the tears started to flow.
The next day, Kate was on desk duties again, but she and Trevor both knew that it couldn’t last. There were too many things to do, they were too busy to be able to afford a doctor not seeing to the patients. It was thankfully quiet, but the other doctors would be feeling the strain soon.
She decided that she would have one last talk with Captain Cooper, try to make him see that what she did was for the right reasons. She should be worried about her career, the lawsuit, but she knew it was more his state of mind that bothered her. She just wanted to make him see that his life was worth saving, and that he could still have a life. It wasn’t the end. She knew from her job that people coped, and adapted. He could too. Anyone who would be brave enough to walk into battle and be responsible for the people under his command must surely see the preciousness of life, and the necessity to survive. She was just standing up to go to the medical bay when her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and pulled a face, walking into the corridor. Trevor was coming her way, and her gut clenched. Everyone had a bone to pick with Kate today.
‘Neil, it’s not a good time. Is everything okay?’
She winced as she heard the sound of sirens and machinery in her ear, and her husband’s panicked voice stopped her in her tracks.
‘Kate, Kate, don’t hang up! It’s Jamie, th-there’s been an accident. It’s bad Kate, I am so sorry.’ Neil started to cry down the phone, a wet whimpering sound. She cupped the phone to her ear, her legs falling out from under her. Trevor, aware something was wrong, appeared at her side, lowering her to the tent floor.
‘Kate,’ he said in a tone of voice she had never heard from him before. ‘Kate, what
’s wrong?’
She willed her mouth to open, to form words, but all that came out was a whispered ‘Jamie?’
Trevor took the phone from her, and she let him, her arm flopping to her lap.
‘Neil, it’s Trevor. What’s happened?’
Kate looked up at Trevor, trying to decipher the news from his face. Trevor went pale, and she whimpered. ‘Jamie, my poor Jamie, no, no, no …’
Trevor said something into the phone and ended the call. He knelt down, pushing the phone into her hands.
‘Kate, get up. Jamie is alive.’
Kate’s head snapped up to look at him then, and the fog that surrounded her body lifted, leaving the adrenaline free to course through her veins. She stood up, gripping her mobile for dear life. Trevor put his hands on her shoulders and forced her to look at him.
‘Kate, listen, they had been in a car accident. Jamie needs you, okay?’ Kate felt the words wash over her as Trevor ran his fingers down her shoulders. ‘The chopper to go home will be here in a few hours, you need to be on it. Go get your stuff. I’ll sort things here.’
Kate looked at Trevor, numb. ‘Kate,’ he tried again. ‘Get packed up, that’s an order.’
Kate snapped back into reality and ran to her bunk. Three hours later, though it felt more like three months, Kate was being strapped into her seat by a medic, who was shouting instructions at his colleagues. They loaded a soldier onto the chopper, sedated for the journey home. One was already loaded, next to where she was sat. Kate looked across to the man strapped to a gurney and noticed that it was Captain Cooper. Of course. This was the flight he was going to take if he was stable enough. She couldn’t help thinking that he could have been on the same flight in a box, had she not interfered, and she wondered if he would make that connection for himself. Whether it would make a difference to him. Get him to rethink whether he was glad to be alive or not. She looked across at him more closely. The thought of him being there both terrified her and comforted her.
