by Eugene, Lisa
Michelle appeared in front of me, frowning. “Are you okay?”
I surfaced from my dark room, from the memories and emotions flooding me.
Oh, God…was I losing my mind?
“Uh…I’m…fine.” I nodded. “I’m just freaked out about Ms. Carmen.”
Michelle nodded somberly and started walking. We passed the three men and Michelle stopped when one asked a question about the company’s plan to take over a competing PR agency.
“I’m thrilled about the acquisition. I think it will be good for this company,” she said to one man. She turned to me, who was still dawdling behind. “Kay, this is Steven, Bruce, and my boss, Luke Davenport.”
I smiled slightly and said hello to the men, my mind still in a thick fog. Bruce asked if I worked in the building and I shook my head, telling him I was a friend of Michelle’s and just meeting her for lunch. The three men were all huge, built like football players. All gorgeous. Steven had longish, sandy blonde hair. Luke had bottle-green eyes and very dark hair. I could see the edge of a tattoo snaking out from beneath his shirt collar. Bruce had classic good looks with a strong chiseled jaw and his sky blue eyes were stunning. I wondered briefly if I could get closer and sniff the men, but knew I was just being ridiculous. There was no way he could be here. I was letting my imagination get away with me. I’d thought of that night so often that I was starting to hallucinate.
“Michelle, you should have your friends come by more often—if they all look like her,” Bruce teased, his gaze never leaving me.
“You are the reason I keep them away,” Michelle shot back, grinning. “Bye!” She waved as we made our way toward the elevator. I followed, suddenly eager to get out of there.
“Now you see why I love my job?” Michelle smirked.
I managed a smile and rolled my eyes, feeling better as the scent dissipated.
“So much man candy! And you know I’ve got a sweet tooth!”
The elevator came and we stepped in, but I couldn’t help glancing back at the three men still chatting in the hall.
*************************
Kay. Was that her? Could it possibly be? How? I would know that voice anywhere. I’d heard it a thousand times in my dreams over the last week. The shock of it still reverberated through me and I had a hard time concentrating on what the other men were saying. She was beautiful, just as I knew she would be. What was the chance that she’d come to me? I felt the hand of fate working in my life again. Perhaps this time it would be less damning.
I just couldn’t get her out of my head. She had rooted under my skin and infiltrated my every thought—my every dream. Although I knew it was strictly prohibited, I’d thought about inquiring at Sensations as to her identity, but then the news had broken about Ms. Carmen. What a tragedy. I’d met her for the first time that night. That night. That night my friends had dragged me out of my apartment, promising a big surprise—and surprised I had been.
I’d submerged myself in work and despair over the past few months, trying my best to drown out the past. I’d become a recluse, devoting all of my free time to Livy. My friends and family had been worried about me. I knew that, but hadn’t been able to reassure them. Probably because I hadn't been able to reassure myself that I was going to be okay.
My cell phone rang, dragging me from my thoughts, and I excused myself from the group. I saw the number and a smile tilted my lips.
“Dada?”
“Hi, Livy…” My daughter’s voice instantly warmed me.
“I wanna wear tutu, Dada.”
I bit my lower lip, trying to contain my laugh. My five year old daughter only wanted to be dressed in tutus and ballet slippers. Any other outfit was met with dramatic defiance and a storm cloud of tears.
“Sweetheart, it’s forty degrees out…” I tried to explain.
“I’m a balenina!”
My smile widened. “Yes, Livy. You’re a beautiful ballerina, but you’ll be a frozen one if you go out in a tutu.”
The hiccups and sobs that followed wormed through my heart, as always, and I sighed. “Okay, sweetheart. You can wear the tutu, but you have to wear those leggie things underneath. And no slippers. Boots. Pretend they’re ballet boots.”
A giggle burst through the phone. “Ballet boots? Silly, Dada!”
I smiled, happy to have averted an impending tantrum. My secretary walked in and handed me a file, smiling because she’d heard the last part of the conversation.
“Ballet boots?” Maria asked, eyebrows raised. Her red hair was like a halo of fire around her head—something I’d had to get used to.
I shrugged and grinned then threw kisses into the phone. After a brief word with my nanny, I signed off.
“These reports were just dropped off for you.” She indicated the file. “The merger and acquisitions team will be meeting again this afternoon.”
“Thank you, Maria.” I sat at my desk and opened it, perusing the information. My mind immediately started wandering and I looked up.
“Maria?” My secretary turned from the door, eyebrows raised.
I scratched the back of my neck, feeling slightly embarrassed. “The young lady with Michelle…her friend? Did you see her?”
She nodded and I continued, my heart rate accelerating.
“Do you know who she is?”
Her face shaded with a blank expression. “Sorry, no. I’ve never seen her before.”
I nodded and returned to my file, forcing my mind to vacate the dark room that had shone a brilliant light on all my shadowy places.
*************************
Katie
A few days later, I rushed through the doors of the Slate Building in Midtown Manhattan and not wanting to wait for the elevator, I took the stairs one flight down. Balancing my overstuffed briefcase under one arm, coffee, a bag of donuts in my hand, and a large cardboard box clutched to my chest, I shouldered through the glass doors of the Vandercamp Foundation headquarters. I had overslept and was late. I was never late. Ever since that day at Michelle’s office, my dreams of that night had become more vivid. My mind and body were happy to snub my alarm clock and hover in the subconscious realm. I’d never climaxed in my sleep before, and this morning I’d awoken cloaked in darkness, sweating and moaning, and coming. I’d lain there for long moments, breathless with sweet memories.
I dragged my bottom lip through my teeth. I was surely losing my mind. I had to forget that it ever happened. I’d been just a client, and he’d been performing a service. Period. It had been a rash decision, a moment of impulsive recklessness. The tendrils of guilt were already starting to wind their way inside. I’d tried to tell myself my decision to go to the club had nothing to do with Josh, but who’d I been kidding? I’d been angry and hurt. But what did it say about me that I so readily crawled into bed with someone else, and a perfect stranger at that. I knew I’d been distraught and despite my bravado with Michelle, not really thinking rationally. But did that excuse what I’d done?
Vicki, one of the girls in my office, saw me struggling to get through the door and came over.
“Ooh, let me give you a hand!” Vicki smiled broadly, grabbing the bag of donuts and digging in.
“Thanks!” I laughed with mock sarcasm, following her into the large open space. There were about ten desks scattered across the room, each burdened with computers and piled high with paperwork. I waved to the girls as I walked by, stopping to talk to Marion about her daughter, who’d been sick with the flu since last week.
“She’s doing much better, thanks. Went back to school today.” Marion smiled, peering into the cardboard box. “Are those hats?”
I grinned smugly as Marion and Vicki reached in and fingered the fine knitted wool.
“These are great,” Marion said.
“And warm,” Vicki noted.
I had been badgering the clothing store down the street for weeks to donate their surplus to the foundation. My staff and I had gotten a list of items needed for the women�
��s shelter a few blocks away, and we’d collected almost everything—except hats.
“These will be great, especially now that it’s gotten colder. We can take them down to the shelter this afternoon and distribute them,” I said to Vicki.
Vicki beamed at me. The Pavilion Shelter had been her home for two years. She’d had a tough battle with drug addiction and ended up losing everything. I had met her there and heard her story of abuse and addiction. I’d hired her immediately, and it’d taken Vicki only a short while to get back on her feet and find an apartment. Every woman at the foundation had a similar story. I knew they just needed a break, someone to give them a chance and believe in them. They helped me organize and plan all the foundation’s charity events. They handled the donations coming in and assisted me with hands-on work in the community. I’d grown to think of all the women as family.
“I just need to catch up on a few things, then we can head out,” I threw over my shoulder as I headed to my office. My feet stopped abruptly when my eyes took in the scene in front of me. There were several large vases filled with multi-colored roses on the floor outside my office, and as I looked around the room I now noticed a few more bouquets adorning some of the desks.
“They’ve been coming every day,” Vicki said from behind. “We couldn’t fit them all in your office.”
I turned around, brows raised, my throat suddenly dry.
“We figured you were very good, or Josh was very bad,” Marion drawled.
I let the speculation float in the air and was glad my employees didn’t press me. With a tentative smile, I walked into my office. My nose immediately wrinkled at the heavy perfume of roses, the pungent scent a thick cloud in the room. Almost every flat surface was covered with a bouquet. I was still refusing to take Josh’s calls or answer his texts. Talking to my parents had made this bad situation even worse. The pressure to not cancel the wedding was becoming a living, breathing thing that threatened to smother me.
My mother called yesterday to talk of more planned events—the rehearsal dinner, wedding breakfast, and of all the people who were looking forward to attending. Important people who had been making plans for months and rearranging their busy schedules. Despite my protests, Diana had droned on and on. Eventually I had hung up the phone and burst into tears, feeling suffocated and emotionally taxed. I wasn’t ready to talk to Josh. I needed to let my staff know if he called the main line to not to put him through. Expelling a weary breath, I turned and stepped from my office.
And crashed into a tall solid body.
“Josh!”
“I see you got my flowers.”
I stared. Just stared, tongue tied in knots from shock. My heart stuttered then started again. It was only the absolute quiet in the room and the realization that my employees were all staring inquisitively that wound me into motion. I ushered Josh into my office and closed the door firmly behind me. I’d been dreading this, but had no choice now but to face him. He stood absolutely still and when I looked at his face, my heart squeezed tight. Josh was a mess. His usually tidy hair was scattered about his head and his eyes were red and puffy. The thick shadow obscuring his jaw proved he hadn’t shaved in days. I’d never seen him look so disheveled.
“Kay, please talk to me,” he whispered hoarsely.
I swallowed, shaking my head. “Josh, there really isn’t much to say, except I can’t marry you.”
Josh’s face screwed up as if he were in pain. “Please don’t say that, Kay. I love you.”
I felt anger stiffen my spine. “How can you love me and be fucking Carol?”
“Nothing happened! I didn’t sleep with her. You’re mistaken.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “I know what I saw.”
“What did you see, Kay? Think about it. You saw us sitting on the sofa. We weren’t even touching! We were talking!”
“She was wearing your shirt!” I felt a spit of renewed anger.
“Yes. She was. She spilled wine on her dress like I told you. It was soaked. I was washing it for her. I was just trying to be Mr. Nice Guy and help her out. She just showed up at my apartment. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year. There’s nothing between us, Kay. You have to believe me. Don’t throw our relationship away over a misunderstanding.”
I listened to Josh’s pleading voice, my mind busy replaying the events at his apartment. I was supposed to be at a foundation event that night, but it had been canceled. I’d decided to surprise Josh and had gone to his apartment. He and Carol had been on the couch. Talking. Laughing. Sharing a glass of red wine. I hadn’t actually seen them doing anything, but I’d been angry…and hurt…and I’d assumed… Had I jumped to conclusions? Was I throwing away our relationship because of a misunderstanding? Oh, I was so confused! I didn’t want to think about this now.
Sensing my ambivalence, Josh took a step toward me, tears pooling in his blue eyes. “I love you. I’m miserable without you. The only thing I’m guilty of is letting Carol in and talking to her. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. Please, baby… Don’t give up on us.”
My breath shimmied from my lungs. I didn’t know what to think. I was bombarded with emotions and thoughts, all conflicting inside me and pushing every which way. Josh wrapped his arms around me and I broke away, realizing I too was crying.
“Don’t…”
“Please, Kay. We’ve been through so much together. I’ve been through so much. I can’t lose you, too.”
I sniffled, taking a few steps away from him. I needed to maintain an emotionally safe distance. Josh was very good at swaying me. He’d lost his mother last year from breast cancer. They had been very close and the loss had devastated him. He and his father had a volatile relationship, so I’d been his primary support. I stared at Josh, trying to read him. His broad shoulders were slumped, shaving an inch off his six-foot frame. His dark blue eyes seemed even darker, rimmed red with misery. I tried to upright my thoughts, to fortify them with logic and reason, but I saw this man before me hurting and my resolve started to topple like dominoes. I’d loved him for three years—still loved him. The heart did not simply stop working because it was broken. Josh took another step toward me and the terror I felt in his apartment came rushing back. I instinctively retreated.
“You were out of control, Josh.”
His brows furrowed, confused.
“When you grabbed me. I was afraid,” I clarified slowly.
He was standing right in front of me now. His hands combed through his hair, mussing it further. “Shit! You know I’d never hurt you.”
“Your temper scares me sometimes. You go from zero to sixty and you don’t even realize it. Then it’s like it never happened. ”
“I was angry. I’m sorry.” He hesitated a beat then sighed. “I’ll resume my sessions.”
Josh had been seeing a therapist for anger and grief management. After his mom’s death, his sudden bouts of rage had become so extreme that I had insisted he get help. I’d seen a vast improvement, but after a few months, he’d quit, worried that his friends or colleagues would find out he was seeing a therapist.
“You need help, Josh.”
“I realize that, Kay. I just can’t handle the thought of losing you.”
I took another step back. “I need time.”
“I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll start therapy again. Wadda you say, babe?” he whispered, his voice cracking. His eyes filled and tears started rolling down his cheeks.
The sight of him so disassembled was like a physical ache and I wanted to reach out and hold him. Still conflicted with emotion, I wrapped my arms around my torso, feeling a bumpy chill blanket my skin. I still loved Josh and wanted desperately to believe him, but my gut was telling me I hadn’t misinterpreted what happened.
“I need time, Josh. I have to think things through.”
I could almost feel relief wash through him. “Okay. We’ll take things slow. I promise not to pressure you. We’ll start over.”
I noted bitterly that
we’d started over a few times already.
“You’re still coming with me on Friday, right?”
My head shot up. It was my turn to be confused.
“Mr. Kotobuki’s dinner party—my client from Japan. You know I’ve been wining and dining him for weeks now. You promised you’d come to his party with me. I’ve told him all about you. He’s very family oriented. You have to come.”
“It’s not a good idea, Josh.” I shook my head.
“Your presence could make the difference with me getting this account. He’ll think I’ve been lying if you don’t show. You know I need this account. I have to prove myself.”
“But—”
“No ‘buts,’ Kay. Steven or Bruce will be happy to steal this account from me.”
I sighed. I’d heard Josh’s rants before about his boss being a tyrannical slave driver and how some of his co-workers were back-stabbing client-stealers. I remembered being introduced to the men when I’d met Michelle for lunch. They hadn’t seemed like the terrible ogres Josh described, and Michelle had never said anything disparaging about any of them.
“I told Mr. Kotobuki all about us.”
I faced him squarely. “Right now there is no ‘us.’ I need time. You promised.”
His chest rose and fell heavily and he took my hands gently in his. “Okay. I will give you time. No pressure. But please come on Friday. It could mean my job, and you can charm anyone. I need you there.”
“Let me think about it. I’ll give you an answer tomorrow.”
Josh cradled my hand to his heart. “I love you, Kay.”
I pressed my eyes shut and turned away, unable to face the pain and raw emotion in his blue eyes. He dropped my hand and I heard him walk through the door. I let out the breath I’d been holding, trying to blow away the overwhelming pressure that was nearly suffocating. I wiped tears from my eyes, trying to stifle the pain. The walls seemed to be closing in around me, blocking everything out. A figure appeared at the door and I looked up to see Vicki. The woman approached, her expression cautious.
