by Annie Walker
I started spending more time at home in my little apartment getting rid of the junk that I’d accumulated through all those years of school. I was pretty much lying to Jackson, telling him I needed all the time I could get to study without interruptions, but the truth was I was distancing myself from him and the inevitable.
I’d finished my work at the restaurant before we’d left for Paris, so I was free to obsess about what Jackson was doing without me. I wondered which of the women of the week he would be with tonight.
Jackson had told me that he wanted to take me out the night of my final test to celebrate my new career. He wouldn’t tell me where he was taking me, but he’d told me to dress up because it was going to be a special night.
By this time, we were barely talking to each other. At least, I was barely talking. He was trying, but I was just so angry with him that I usually ended up picking an argument and having him give up on me entirely or I would simply hang up on him. I was scared and this was the only way I knew to fight that fear.
The day of my final test Jackson left a message for me to meet him at the Woods, a very upscale restaurant, at eight. I spent the rest of the day crying.
I was determined I was leaving the following morning to take my things back home. I’d told him all of that and been rewarded by his silence again before I’d hung up on him. I still didn’t know where I stood with him.
By seven, when I looked at the puffy eyed monster in the mirror, I decided I had to see him one last time no matter how pitiful I looked. I could do this. I could be strong. I would just walk into that restaurant, smile, and tell him to go to hell.
I layered on pounds of makeup in an attempt to cover the puffiness beneath my eyes but that really didn’t work. No amount of makeup could cover my red eyes or nose.
I put on my favorite dress and told the maître d’ whom I was there to meet. She smiled and told me Jackson was waiting for me.
He was seated at a nice quiet corner table of the restaurant facing the door, so I knew he’d seen me arrive. There was champagne waiting—it was to be the perfect sendoff. As I got closer, my steps faltered, the maître d’ looked back at me and I bit my lip and clenched my hands tight to keep from crying.
I knew the second he stood and kissed me and then waited for me to sit that he’d seen the evidence of my tears. I saw it all in those compassionate blue eyes of his.
Jackson was trying his best to make me smile.
“You did it, Maggie.” He smiled at me with that smile that did everything for me and reminded me of so many times with him that I had to look away. I couldn’t look at him.
He poured champagne and handed me a glass, which I almost spilled because my fingers were trembling.
“I think this calls for a toast, don’t you?”
I looked into his smiling eyes and I lost it. I sat the glass down on the table and stood up. “I can’t do this.” I somehow managed to force those words out before I walked away.
“Maggie,” he called after me, but I ignored Jackson Riley’s pleas entirely. I’d planned to be strong tonight, but I was still that frightened little girl living on the streets waiting for her little bit of happiness to be taken way.
I ran, literally ran from the restaurant because I was afraid he might come after me. Even more afraid that he wouldn’t.
I got into my car and drove home, but I didn’t go inside my empty packed up apartment. I couldn’t face the evidence that it was over. Instead, I went to my secret hiding place. The place that no one knew about.
I sat there curled up tight on the window ledge and cried. I had been so determined to breeze through life untouched by human emotions, but here I sat with my heart broken by a man that didn’t love me. I could almost understand how my mother must have felt.
“Maggie.” I hadn’t heard Jackson come in but at the gentle sound of his voice, I turned away. I didn’t want him to see my tears or just how frightened I was right now.
“How did you find me?”
“Your grandmother. She told me about your secret hiding places.”
“I really don’t want any company right now, Jackson, so if you don’t mind, could you just leave?”
“I do mind. Maggie, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? I thought this was what you wanted.”
He knelt in front of me and took my hands away from my face. When I looked at him, he was watching me with that same tender expression that had been there so many times before.
And I lost it.
“You were just going to let me go, weren’t you? You don’t care. You were just going to let me walk away and that would be it.” I was crying so hard I could hardly get the words out, but I caught his expression. I’d never seen him look so hurt or so lost before. That was definitely not the way Jackson felt.
“Oh, Maggie…” I barley recognized his voice. “Nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay here with me, but I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me either. I’d hate myself for making you have any regrets.”
“So you don’t care about me at all. It was all about the sex, is that it? You just want me to go away and leave you alone so you can go back to all those other women.”
He laughed, but there wasn’t any real amusement in Jackson’s laughter anymore. “You’ve been telling me since the first day I met you what you wanted to do with your life. You pretty much set me straight that there was no future for us from the beginning, so I’d better not expect any and you’re blaming me for keeping to your demands?”
“Oh go away. I’ve heard enough.”
He didn’t. He pulled my hands away again and forced me to look at him. “Do you want to stay, little bit?”
I managed to nod and then I was in his arms and he was holding me so tight that I couldn’t believe I was foolish enough to think he’d ever wanted me to go.
“Oh, thank God, Maggie. Thank God. Because as much as I might have wanted to be supportive of all your dreams, I wasn’t going to let you leave me. I couldn’t do that. I would have locked you away if I had to.”
I laughed at just how wonderful his words sounded to me.
“I have to call Lee and tell him the bad news.”
“Something tells me, he’s not going to be one bit surprised by the news.”
“I have to see if I can re-lease my apartment.” I went on ticking off all the little things I was only too happy to have to deal with.
“I was hoping that you’d come stay with me instead?” he asked me so sweetly, with so much uncertainty, that I could almost imagine he was afraid to hear my answer.
“You want me to rent a room from you?”
Again he laughed. I loved the sound of it. “Well not exactly, love. I want you to come live with me. I want you to come share my home…my bed. I don’t want you to rent anything from me.”
He held me close and I was so happy. More than I’d ever believed possible in such a long time. “I’ll have to find a job soon. I don’t plan to live off you. I want to contribute as well. I want to pay my own way.”
“Maggie, I own the house. I don’t want your money.”
“I’m not doing this unless you agree to let me help.”
He held up his hands, giving in. I think he would have agreed to just about any demand I might have tossed out that night. “All right, we’ll work out a compromise somehow. Just as long as you don’t leave. We’ll figure the rest of it out, Maggie. It’s just details.”
“I know, but are you sure this is what you want, Jackson? I mean…” I couldn’t finish those words because he was kissing me and showing me in all the ways that I needed to know just how much he wanted me to stay.
“Why don’t we take your things over to the house tonight before you have a chance to change your mind?”
I was only too willing to move in with Jackson that very night.
After all of my little possessions, including Sidney, were safely in place Jackson handed me his phone, told me to cal
l my grandmother and Lee and left me alone in his living room to do so.
Much to the old Maggie’s surprise, neither of them was in any way shocked to hear this news from me. They’d all but settled that matter between themselves a long time ago.
“Now you two are still coming home for Christmas, aren’t you?”
I smiled at how my grandmother knew me better than I wanted to admit. She knew I was in love even if I couldn’t say the words out loud to the man that I loved.
“Yes, I promise we’ll be there. But tomorrow I’m going to start looking for a job.”
“You always were a stubborn little thing, Maggie. You do what you feel you have to do, honey, but don’t ignore that man of yours. You tell him how you feel, Maggie. That’s important.”
“I can’t. At least not yet.”
“Don’t wait too long, baby. I think he needs to hear it from you.”
For a long time after I’d said goodbye to my grandmother, I couldn’t bring myself to face Jackson again. My grandmother’s words had shocked me and left me feeling a little off balance. Did Jackson really need to hear that I loved him? I’d never believed someone as sophisticated and worldly as Jackson could need anything from anyone, especially from me, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t the only one who had changed since our meeting. Jackson had changed as well. Hadn’t we both become a little softer, or was that just what the new Maggie wanted to believe. If it was so, did that mean Jackson was capable of caring more about me than I believed?
“Is everything okay?” Jackson asked from where he stood in the doorway watching me. I knew he was there; I’d seen his reflection in the windows I was staring out. But I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know if everything was okay.
I nodded when he came a little closer to me, but not all the way. I think he wasn’t sure of me anymore.
“You’re not regretting your decision to stay here with me are you?”
How could I possibly answer that? I’d never once doubted that decision. I’d wanted to be with him even before he’d even asked me to move in with him, but I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough to see this relationship through to the end—whatever that may be.
Again, that little uncertain shake of my head and he took another step closer to me.
“You know, I think this room needs a tree, don’t you? There’s this place off 620 that sells Christmas trees and they happen to stay open all night.”
Jackson stood close behind me watching my expression in the window. He knew the second I let go of all my lingering doubts.
I turned to smile at him, even though I was trying hard not to show the softer Maggie again tonight. I’d cried too much in front of this guy today.
Another nod, another step and then I was in his arms. Decision final, fate set. Future uncertain.
“Well, maybe we can wait to get the tree until tomorrow…” he whispered against my lips before he carried me up to our bedroom in my favorite caveman fashion.
That night I just had to ask him the one question that had been bugging me since he’d found me.
“How did you know where to look for me?” I moved out of his arms looking up at him lying there next to me in bed.
“I told you, your grandma told me.”
“No, no I don’t mean that, I mean how did you know exactly where to find me. I never told Gran about that place, or anyone else for that matter.”
I saw that smile of his. The one that always drove me crazy. “She didn’t know exactly where it would be, but she told me that you’d definitely have one in Austin. Your grandmother told me you’d been doing that little disappearing act of yours since you were a child. Sarah told me about your little spot back home. She said you always seem to gravitate toward the rooftop. She said you’d told her once that it reminded you of a lighthouse. It wasn’t too hard to figure out from there.”
I don’t remember telling Gran that, but I’m sure that after one of those nightmares that woke me as a child and still haunted me at twenty-five I’d been vulnerable enough to reveal much more than I normally would. And then of course, she’d found me in my hiding place back home enough times.
But I could never bring myself to share with Gran how that little bizarre habit of mine had gotten started on any of those times. I think somehow she’d guessed the truth. It was easy to figure out, really. I’d found that first hiding place on top of my mother’s tiny apartment in a rundown section of Houston.
My mother had always promised that one day she would take me to Galveston, which was only a short distance from Houston, to see the ocean. That had never happened, but I’d dreamed about the ocean since seeing pictures of it. It had become my anchor when my life threatened to spin out of control. The thought of seeing the ocean for real had kept me going through all the times when Rachel would come so close to losing her life. Always, even after we’d been kicked out of so many places and were on the streets I’d gone to that hiding spot. My mother never knew about it. But my grandmother had.
And me being the frightened little girl I’d been had thought I’d kept that little bit of myself a secret. I’d been wrong. I wondered what else my grandmother knew about me that I hadn’t guessed.
“So you like the ocean?” The man that now knew me quite possibly better than my grandmother asked me in that tentative voice he’d adopted with me as of late.
“I don’t know. I’ve never been to the ocean. But I’ve read about it and dreamed about it so yes, I definitely like the ocean.” I could see my answer surprised him. Poor guy—I couldn’t tell him that until Paris, I hadn’t been any further from Santa Anna, Texas and my small town roots than Austin…and of course Houston.
“You’re kidding, right?” When I shook my head he said, “Okay, we’ll just have to fix that, won’t we? After the holidays we’re going to the beach.” He kissed me on my nose and I went easily into his open arms.
“I can’t do that because I’ll be working, hopefully, by then. I have to find a job.”
“Maggie, I know you’re anxious to find a job and I know how much you need to feel that you’re pulling your own weight, but will you please do me a favor and wait until after the first of the year to start the job search. Just listen for a second,” he told me when I threatened to pull out of his arms and argue that I couldn’t do that.
“You’ve spent the past six or more years in school, not to mention working like crazy. Take the holidays and just relax. You can start seriously looking after the first of the year. It’s only a few weeks. Besides you know this town is pretty much dead at this time of year. And I just happen to know someone has a birthday coming up in January.”
Okay, that surprised me. I’d never told him when my birthday was so someone had been talking. It took me a few minutes to figure it out. Gran. I’d have to have a serious talk with her.
“Just how much have you and my grandmother been talking?” I heard his laugh at the less than pleased sound in my own voice.
“Oh, quite a lot, little bit. You see you don’t exactly come with an instruction manual and you’re definitely not like any other woman I’ve ever met so I’ve had no idea how to handle you.”
That should have infuriated me. The old Maggie would have been furious, but this newer more improved version was finding all of his caring attention overwhelming, not to mention I was eating it up.
“I see. What else has she told you about me?”
“Uh-uh…I’m not going to tell you that, because then all my secrets would be out. Nope, you’ll just have to wonder. I will tell you we’ve become pretty good friends over the past few months. I like your grandmother and Lee, too, for that matter, an awful lot.”
That pleased me to no end. To cover my happiness I asked the one question I’d sworn I would never ask Jackson. The one that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know the answer to. I asked him how many other women there had been before me.
“I’ll tell you that when you tell me how many other men.” He knew he had me. I think Jackson w
ould have been only too happy to tell me everything, but I was not. I think he knew that by my revealing that to him I’d be giving up truths that I didn’t want Jackson to ever know. There was no way I was falling into that trap. He could keep his number a secret.
“Well, considering how old you are I’m sure there have been plenty,” I said, only half kidding. I still didn’t know his exact age. Oh, not that he was keeping it a secret from me. It’s just that I’d never been able to bring myself to ask him personal questions. I knew he’d tell me. Jackson didn’t believe in secrets. He didn’t want to keep any part of himself from me. But I was going to have to work hard to get comfortable with sharing things with him.
Secretly, I think I was glad I didn’t have to hear how many other women he’d been with. As long as they were out of sight and just a vague image, they didn’t seem real to me. I didn’t want to know who my competition might be.
“Well, now you’re just being mean. For your information, little bit, I’m only thirty-eight. Not exactly old and certainly not decrepit.”
I wondered as I drifted off to sleep, happy to be in his arms, if he’d ever let me forget those words.
Chapter Eleven
The following morning Jackson and I slept in before we went Christmas tree shopping.
Jackson told me as we worked together putting ornaments on what had to be the biggest tree I’d ever seen, that normally he had someone decorate his house for him each year. I stopped what I was doing and stared at him as if he’d just said something terrible.
“What? What’s wrong with that? I don’t usually have the time to do this stuff. At least, not in the past.”
“Oh, please. You just preferred to throw money around. I can’t believe you wouldn’t want to do this yourself. This is part of the fun of Christmas, you know?”
“Not for me it wasn’t. It was always just a big hassle. I usually just went out to eat on Christmas day or ordered in and worked. It was just another day to me.”
“Oh, my God. You’d better not let Grandma Sarah hear you say that. She would probably skin you alive. This is Christmas we’re talking about here, buster. I mean, it’s only the biggest holiday ever! I guess I’m going to have to show you how to celebrate it properly. You realize this means we’re going to be attending church services when we go home and of course you have to go see all the lights around town and then there are all the people who stop by to wish us Merry Christmas each year. Not to mention, you have to stay up late with me and watch for Santa. You are in for quite a surprise, Mr. Riley, so I suggest you rest up.”
