by Annie Walker
It was just a habit for me. The second I walked in, I was trying to find order.
“Maggie, would you stop that. You know I like it messy.”
“I know.” I sat down in the chair I’d watched him solve so many of others’ problems.
In fact, it was in that very chair that I’d sat the first time that I met him as a frightened girl of thirteen and told him all the terrible things about my life with my mom. “But I don’t see how you get anything done in here, Lee.”
“Kiddo, I told you a long time ago: it’s not what you have to work with, its how you work with what you have. Now, tell me about you. Don’t give me the Sarah version. I want the truth, young lady.”
“What do you want to know? That I’m living with Jackson. Well, that much is true. That I’m sleeping with him. Also true, by the way. That’s certainly not the version I would be telling my grandmother right now.”
I saw that little smile of his that told me he knew the crap I was trying to play on him and he wasn’t buying my tough girl act. “You think she doesn’t know that already?” Lee countered with a little hardball of his own. “You think your grandmother is that out of touch? Sorry, honey—but she knows. So, you can skip the good girl act. What I meant was, are you happy? I know you love him; I can see that. Does he make you happy? Do you think he loves you, too?”
I couldn’t sit still across from those blue eyes of Lee’s that at this moment were reminding me far too much of Jackson’s. “No, no I don’t think he loves me, Lee. I’m not so sure Jackson's geared that way. But you’re right about one thing. I’m crazy about him.”
“I know…it shows. You’ve changed so much since meeting him.”
Lee watched me pace around his tiny little office, more nervous than I could ever remember being with him.
“Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life by staying in Austin with Jackson, Lee? Should I have ignored my heart and came back home to work? I could be happy here.”
“Oh, Maggie…the only one who can answer that fully is you, and maybe Jackson. If you’re asking me what my opinion of him is, I have to tell you, honey, I’m impressed. He's done more than you can imagine with his life and he still gives back to the community. Did you know that? Jackson Riley’s been involved for a long time fighting for better housing for the poor, not to mention help for the homeless. You should be proud of him.”
I turned back to look at the man that so many times I’d wished was my father. I didn’t know any of those things about the man I loved. Jackson never talked much about his work. I realized then that he’d been so busy getting my story out of me that there was so little that I really knew about him. I desperately wanted to know all about Jackson Riley. Every little thing—both the good and the bad. I wanted to know everything about his life. I only knew his parents were gone and his only brother had died in a plane crash years ago. Not much to know about someone you loved.
Now I desperately wanted to know all the little things that made him happy—all the things that made him sad. I was determined to find out everything about Jackson Riley.
For now, I decided I needed to know what this guy’s intentions were with my grandmother.
“So what’s up with you and Gran? You two have been making goo-goo eyes at each other all week long and frankly it’s disgusting.” I was joking—well mostly, but I could tell Lee notice my small amount of reluctance.
“I plan on asking her to marry me and, yes, Miss Monroe, I do believe she will accept. So what’s your take on that?”
He knew it—he just wanted to hear me say it. “Lee, I love you and I love Gran and if you two want to get married then go ahead and do it with my blessing.”
“You’re just a little put off about it, am I right? Its okay, Maggie, I understand. You’ve had her to yourself for such a long time and I know how much you hate change. Baby girl, you’re going to have to get over that because like it or not, I’m going to marry my girl. I love her and I want to be her husband and it’s time for you to accept that.”
With Lee thoroughly putting me in my place, what else could I do but grin and bear it.
****
Christmas Eve at our house always starts out with a big breakfast. Imagine my surprise when I found my boyfriend busily making pancakes for my sweet grandmother and Lee.
“Oh, I wish I had a camera!” I stood grinning at him from the door of our kitchen. “I could so blackmail you with that shot.”
Jackson kissed my cheek and gave my butt a little pat then showed me his hands, which were covered in flour, as was my backside.
The four of us spent the day entertaining all of my grandmother’s friends that dropped by.
All day long, there was a certain amount of surprise in the air. Of course, I knew what it was as did Jackson, but Gran didn’t and that had a certain amount of Christmas magic in it.
The candlelight service at church was small and very moving. When we returned to the house, Jackson and I got the wink from Lee, which told us it was time to scatter. I took my guy up to my hiding spot to watch the stars.
Jackson and I had already exchanged our presents. Well, that is, I’d given him the sweater he claimed to love and he told me much to my grumbling that he was taking me to the ocean for my Christmas present. I made him promise that it was to be my birthday gift as well because otherwise I’d never accept such a generous gift. He reluctantly agreed.
We sat in my little hiding spot on my grandmother’s roof looking at the stars and both of us quietly listening for some hint of a decision downstairs.
“You think she’ll say yes?” he asked me and I only grinned at him with a, ‘are you crazy of course she’ll say yes,’ look on my face.
“She’s crazy about him. She’ll say yes if she knows what’s good for her.”
He laughed at that. “So you’re okay with all of this? You didn’t seem to be as positive about that a few days ago.”
“Yeah, I’m okay with it. I just needed to have someone set me straight. And Lee did that.”
“Ah, I guessed as much. So this is your little hiding spot, huh? You ever imagine you’d have someone else up here with you, Maggie?”
“No.” Suddenly, I was finding it very hard to speak. Jackson had that sound in his voice. That tender little lilt I found impossible to resist lately. I loved everything about him including that lilt.
Then I remembered all the little things that I didn’t know about him. All the things that seemed so important now, that I’d been too much in a lovesick haze to realize before this moment.
“Jackson, tell me about yourself.”
I think that little out of the blue comment just about shocked him into speechlessness.
“What do you mean, little bit? You know all there is to know about me.”
I was sitting so close to him that I could feel his heart beating against my ear and I was so in love with him. I turned to look up at him directly. “I don’t. Not really. We always talk about me, but I want to know about you. What were you like growing up?”
“I was rich and spoiled, Maggie. You’re shocked, but it’s true nonetheless. I was your typical teenage kid with too much money and too many friends to help him enjoy it. It took my father’s death to finally get me to grow up and take responsibility for my own life. I was fifteen at the time. Living at home and partying just about every single night of the week. I think my father had just about given up on me when he died. He never got to see that I turned out okay. I think he knows, though. My mom, well she pretty much fell apart and my brother came back home to take over the running of the family business then.
“My father’s death changed me, Maggie. It made me realize just what a dangerous road I was heading down if I didn’t change. My brother helped me see that as well. I graduated, went away to the best schools and came back home to join him running the business when it was still failing miserably. And then my brother Raymond was killed. I think that was it for my mom. She died a few years later, but she never
really was the same after that. I was left to try and keep Ben out of the same trouble I’d gotten into. I didn’t want him following the same path that I went down, because I knew how destructive that was. He was so close to doing that in Austin.”
I’d been listening to him talk and realized I was crying. Yep, actually crying at the tragic story I’d never known. “Why didn’t you tell me this? We’ve been together for a while now and you never shared your life’s story with me.”
“Oh, Maggie, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just not something I like to talk about, really. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my past. Some I’d just like to forget.”
“Like all those women you’ve been with?” I could have kicked myself for asking him that one. I didn’t want to know their names or how many there were, did I?
“You want to know about them? I’ll tell you, but I don’t want to hurt you and I can’t lie to you about it, little bit, so make sure that’s what you want to know before you ask it.
“No, I don’t want to know. I’m sorry I asked. Just forget it.”
I was trying to untangle his arms from around me. All at once, I needed to put some space between Jackson and myself. I was so afraid I’d just revealed far too much to him.
“Sit down, Maggie.” With those three little words, I did exactly what he said. I might not want to face his past, but he certainly didn’t want to keep it a secret from me anymore.
“Like it or not, it’s time we both were honest with each other about the past. So let’s just get it out and get it over with and put it to bed once and for all.”
That had me squirming like crazy. No way I was telling this guy, who had pretty much confessed that he’d been with more women than I ever wanted to know about, that he was my one and only. There was just no way.
“I’ve never really had a serious relationship before you. There have been lots of women in my past whom I’ve slept with, maybe even a few that I felt more than just a mild attraction for, but you’re the only one I’ve ever felt this way about. Does that answer your questions? Or do you want to hear numbers?”
Oh, yes. It did and then some. Sure, it stung to think about all the others, but I knew now that I was different. He’d just told me as much. That was the important thing.
“Now, it’s your turn. Tell me about your past.”
“I…can’t.” I wondered if I stood a chance of outrunning him if I tried. “Why not? I’ve just told you about my sordid history. Surely you can share anything with me?”
“I can’t…”
“Maggie.” The anger and frustration in his tone grew and I closed my eyes. I forced the words out before I lost the courage.
“I can’t, Jackson, because I don’t have a history. I don’t have a past, as sad as that is to admit. You’re it.”
Now any self-respecting twenty-five year old would have been thoroughly embarrassed to admit that even to her best friend, much less, the guy she was sleeping with, but there it was, out in the open. And what was this sophisticated man of the world’s response to that? Well, he was laughing.
“Jackson!”
“I’m sorry.” He tried to dry the tears streaming down his face. “And it’s not as if I don't believe you. It’s just that I’m still remembering how good you were. Are you sure? Maybe you forgot?”
I hit him hard on the arm. As hard as I could with my closed fist against his arm. Was I sure? Was he out of his mind?
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry. It’s not that I didn’t guess as much, but you have to admit for a—”
“Don’t you dare say the word…”
“Well, you didn’t hold anything back, now did you? You were the best I’ve ever had.”
“Oh shut up, Jackson…” I was angry and embarrassed, crying and insulted. I have to admit part of me was happy as all get out.
“Oh, no you don’t. You’re crying? Oh baby—don’t cry. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. That was not a complaint. I didn’t have any idea. You were so good.”
“I was?”
“Uh huh. Still are. But a—”
He was going to say it and I couldn’t let him. “Don’t say that word! I hate that word. It’s so…medieval.”
“Maggie…it’s just a word and your just a girl. Seriously, do you have any idea how special that makes me feel? Even though I know you didn’t plan on giving it away to me that night. I kind of took it from you, didn’t I? Oh gees.” He said that as if remembering again everything that had taken place between us that night. “All those terrible things I said to you about your mother? Oh Maggie, I’m so sorry.
“I wish I could take it all back. It would have been different had I known. I thought your type was just about extinct. Some sort of urban legend or something.” He laughed again when I tried to stand up.
“Maggie, where do you think you’re going?” Jackson asked, suddenly serious again.
“I’m going to see if my grandmother accepted the proposal, if you’ll let go of my hand!”
“No, you’re not. You’re running away because you’re scared.” He tugged at my hand and I was back in his arms again.
“You think you know me so well, Jackson."
“I do you know you so well, little bit. I’d be willing to bet I know you better than even you’re grandmother does.”
“That’s crazy—she’s family.”
He laughed again, but this time that indulgent sound had returned to his voice. “But true nonetheless and that’s what scares you isn’t it, little bit? That I know you better than anyone you’ve ever known before, even family.”
I couldn’t answer. He was right—I was scared to death by all those things.
“You run when you’re frightened, Maggie. I sometimes make jokes. When I’m scared, I make jokes.”
I turned to look at him, surprised and moved by this confession. “You’re scared, too?”
“Oh, yes. You wanted to know about me, well, that’s something no one else in the world knows but you. When I’m scared, I make jokes to cover that fear. And I’m scared now, Maggie, because of what you just told me, because I’ve never felt this way before, because this is unknown ground for me.”
“Jackson, I didn’t tell you that to scare you or make you feel obligated to me. I don’t really know why I said it. I wish that I hadn’t.”
“Maggie, I’m not scared because I feel obligated to you, but for more reasons than just that. I’m scared because I’m so afraid I’m going to screw this up. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t want to do anything to screw it up.”
No matter how hard I tried that night, I couldn’t find a single one of those walls I’d been so busy building around my heart. They were gone and I’m not even sure, when they’d disappeared. Jackson had simply swept them all away. Oh, not in a forceful kind of way, but in his simple not giving up on me and not letting me push him away kind of way. Over time, unknown to me, every single one of those walls had simply vanished.
He hadn’t told me he loved me, but that was okay. I knew he cared about me as no one else ever would. Maybe that was all he would be capable of giving to any woman. And me? Well, I was in love. My heart was there for his taking. Open, exposed…vulnerable.
My grandmother accepted Lee’s proposal that night. My steadfast and sometimes solid grandmother was actually crying and looking so much in love that I hardly recognized her anymore. I guess the Monroe women went through quite a metamorphosis when they fell in love.
They became softer.
Jackson woke me up early Christmas Day, a long time before sunrise, and he dragged me out in my jammys to my hiding place.
“It’s freezing out here.” I grumbled only to have him look at me as if I were the Grinch.
“Okay.” I hoped to modify my previous grumpiness. “Okay, I’m sorry." You’re right, let’s watch the sunrise. By all means.”
Just as the sky turned that certain color of pink that no designer has ever been able to capture, Jackson han
ded me a small little present that I’d guessed he wrapped himself.
I almost shoved it back into his hands. “We’ve already exchanged presents, Jackson, so whatever that is, you can just take it back.”
I think I was probably the only woman in history that had ever talked to him like that. He wasn’t really sure how to handle me right then, but he did it in his not letting go kind of way.
“Yeah, well there’s one more, so deal with it, little bit.”
He shoved the box back into my hands and I could only stand there staring down at it. There was no way I was going to open that thing up.
“Open it, Maggie. It won’t bite, I promise.” I eyed him suspiciously for a long while before handing him the box back.
“No, I can’t.” I felt more like the frightened little girl I’d once been in need of a hiding place than ever before.
“Okay, it’s too soon for you. I’ll just hold onto it until you are ready to open it.” He wasn’t going to pressure me. Jackson had taken away all of my inhibitions. He would give me the time I needed to ask for that little box back.
We spent a wonderful Christmas Day with my grandmother and Lee along with several of her close friends. Jackson called Ben and we both wished him merry Christmas together. I think for Jackson as well as myself that was the best Christmas ever.
Chapter Twelve
Back home with Jackson I’d never been happier. We spent every single free moment of our day together. I didn’t tell him, although I’m sure he guessed it, but I was already searching for a job.
I hated the thought of leaning on him, even though he’d told me that was what people who cared about each other did. I guess a little of the old Maggie still hung around. The stubborn girl who couldn’t let herself lean on anyone.
