“Are you drunk, darling? Grandfather is dead.”
“That’s what I mean. But never mind that, Mother. Did you and Uncle Homer find anything in the will that Brewster had failed to extract?”
“Nothing that changed anything. Homer was simply wild, poor dear. It was such a dreadful disappointment after deliberately reading all those pages. We were both convinced after finishing, however, that Father was secretly crazy. There is simply no other tenable conclusion.”
“Whether he was or not, it would be pleasant to make some judge think so. Do you plan to contest the will?”
“We’re thinking about it. Brewster is the executor, of course, and is strictly against it. He declares that the will is perfectly valid and will hold up in any court. Homer called Brewster a fraud and a scoundrel, and Brewster threatened to sue Homer for defamation of character or something, and everything was rather confused and noisy when he finally left.”
“As executor, Brewster is, I’d think, in a strategic position. Do you think he could be corrupted?”
“I agree with Homer that he is already as corrupt as he could possibly be. Darling, what, precisely, do you have in mind?”
Lester raised his feet, pivoting on his stern in the chair, and draped his legs over one arm. This position brought Flo more directly into his line of vision, and he studied her indolently for a minute.
“Lester, darling,” she said, “you mustn’t look at your mother like that. It’s abnormal.”
“I was merely trying to put myself in old Brewster’s place.”
“Whatever for?”
“Because I wanted to see what Brewster sees, and feel what Brewster feels.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be so devious, Lester. Please say directly what you mean.”
“Well, you are a damn good-looking woman, now that I’ve taken the trouble to verify it, and Brewster is a widower of some years’ standing. I’ll lay five to one that he’s ripe. I’ll even go so far as to say smitten and secretly eager.”
“Lester, you are a naughty, naughty boy. Your mind is as naughty as your Cousin Junior’s, I must say.”
“Naughtier, I should imagine. I’m superior to Junior in almost everything.”
“Are you seriously suggesting that your mother try to involve Willis Brewster in an intimate affair in order to influence him in some way?”
“Delicately put, Mother, and reasonably accurate.”
“It’s unthinkable. Other considerations aside, he is far too ugly for my taste.”
“Oh, I admit that he’s a cadaverous old devil, but that seems to me a petty consideration in a crisis like this. I have been assigned the task of working on Mrs. Crump, and I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t take on old Brewster.”
“What’s this about Mrs. Crump? Assigned by whom?”
“It was Hester’s idea. We plan to murder Senorita Fogarty by getting her run over in the traffic.”
“Really? How clever of Hester. Do you think it will work?”
“It all depends on getting Mrs. Crump to relax her custody. Frankly, I’m highly dubious.”
“Nevertheless, it is much more direct and ingenious than seducing Brewster.”
“You only think so because it is I instead of you who must make the sacrifice. If you are reluctant to fondle old Brewster, how do you think I feel about Mrs. Crump? Honestly, Mother, don’t you feel any obligation whatever to your children?”
“If Senorita Fogarty is murdered, I can’t see the necessity of bothering with Brewster. According to the terms of the will, we will then inherit.”
“It is better to have two irons in the fire than one. Mrs. Crump may be impregnable.”
“Well, I don’t want to seem selfish, darling. If the plan to murder Senorita Fogarty fails, I’ll see what can be done about Brewster. I promise.”
“I hope so. After a proper softening, it is entirely possible that old Brewster can be induced to swear on the Bible that Grandfather was mad as the Hatter.” Lester unfolded and stood up. “Do you happen to have any money that I could borrow?”
“Darling, I only have a little left from the last allowance Grandfather gave me. How much do you want?”
“I don’t suppose it would do any good to ask for a thousand?”
“Not in the least, darling.”
“In that case, I’ll take fifty.”
“I do wish you would try to be a little less extravagant. What do you need fifty dollars for?”
“I have a date with Pearl Perkins, if you must know.”
“Such an absurd name. Is it really her own? Is she trying to get into show business or something?”
“She is not trying to get into show business or something, and it’s her real name. Mother, I hope you’re not going to start interfering in my affairs just because you imagine you have me at a disadvantage for the time being.”
“For the time being, darling, we are all at a disadvantage. We will simply have to concede that. Don’t you have any money at all?”
“I have some, but I need some more. Pearl doesn’t like to economize. She’s been spoiled.”
“She may have to learn to like it, whether she wants to or not.”
“Fat chance. Pearl is very adjustable to changes in personnel, but not to working conditions. Her affections are strictly negotiable. Damn it, Mother, you can surely afford to give me fifty dollars to pay for a proper parting.”
“Oh, all right. You run along and get ready, and I’ll have the money for you when you leave.”
“That won’t be necessary. Just tell me where you’ve got it cached, and I’ll help myself.”
“No, no, darling. That wouldn’t do at all.”
“Why? Do you think I’d take something extra for my trouble?”
“We must be realistic, darling. You’ll have to admit that ever since you were a small boy you have shown a remarkable tendency toward thievery.”
“Well, it’s all innocent enough. It’s just that I have absolutely no resistance to temptation.”
Lester wandered off into his bedroom to prepare for Pearl Perkins, and in the meanwhile, after finishing the nails of the foot she was on, Flo went into her own bedroom and returned with fifty dollars. Putting the money on a coffee table, she sat down on the floor beside it and began on the nails of the foot remaining to be done. It was quite a long time, easily long enough to finish and have a small drink and part of a cigarette, before Lester reappeared in evening clothes. She was pridefully aware, as she always was, of his incredible good looks, a male version of Hester, and it was really a shame, she thought, that he was only clever at things that didn’t help much in the way of exploitation. If necessary, of course, he would marry a rich woman and get along comfortably, but the trouble with that, unfortunately, was that he was forever getting involved with someone like Pearl Perkins who wanted to marry a rich man.
“Is that the fifty?” he said.
“Yes, it is, darling, and you must be careful with it, for I’m not at all sure where any more is coming from.”
“I still think you might make it a hundred.”
“I might, darling, but I won’t, and so you had just as well stop urging me.”
“Oh, well.” He took the fifty, counted it, and tucked it away with however much he had to go with it. “Don’t forget about old Brewster. You promised.”
“I won’t forget,” she said, “but I don’t think it will come to anything disagreeable. I’m sure you will be successful in murdering Senorita Fogarty.”
After he was gone, she began to feel slightly depressed, and she smoked another cigarette, which didn’t help, and then had another drink, which also didn’t help, and then she got up and went into her bedroom and counted her money, and this was unfortunate, the least help of all, because there was so little of it. Having counted her money and put it away again, she lay down across her bed on her back and began deliberately to try to think of something cheerful, because it was essential to the stability of her character to be cheerful about s
omething at all times, but now it was extremely difficult to think of anything except what a great problem it was to rear two children and assure them of all the advantages, especially when they were handicapped by a father who had only compounded the problem and a grandfather who had turned out, in the end, to be crazy. Fortunately for Hester and Lester, their father had at least the consideration to remove himself early by means of an automobile accident while under the influence, but this had not been, to be honest, unmitigated good fortune for Flo herself, for Waldo, her husband, had been charming and exciting, if nothing else, and he was very good at certain things that Flo sorely missed after the accident. This was not to say, of course, that she would have taken him back if it had been possible, for she wouldn’t have, even if it were, because life was so much simpler and more manageable without him, although at times somewhat duller.
It was just too bad that things had been spoiled. It had started out to be such a good day, too, what with Father having died and being buried and all. It was simply the worst kind of luck that Senorita Fogarty had turned up in the will to delay a proper settlement, but no one could be blamed for not anticipating it, except Father himself and old Brewster, for who would have dreamed that Father was in love with a Chihuahua? Now that things had developed as they had, of course, one would think that Homer would devise something effective to do, but all Homer could do was threaten to kill Crump and contest the will, both of which old Brewster would prevent if possible, and it had been left to Hester to make the only sensible suggestion, which was to murder Senorita Fogarty, by getting her run over in the traffic.
Hester was such a dear child. She was not only beautiful, but unexpectedly clever, and it gave Flo a feeling of warmth and pride just to think about her. It would surely be a comfort to talk with her this very minute, and Flo thinking so, sat up on the edge of her bed and picked up the telephone from a table and dialed Hester’s number. Hester’s telephone rang and rang and was not answered, which meant, of course, that Hester had gone out, or had been taken out, and Flo hung up and began to wonder if it might not be a good idea to go out somewhere herself. There was no place she could think of to go alone, though, and none of the several men she usually could rely on to take her places had made any arrangements for tonight because of an absurd notion that she wouldn’t care to go anywhere on the night of the day of Father’s funeral.
Stuck and resigned, she began to think positively that everything would be fine in the end, and pretty soon, because of the positive thinking, she began to feel much more cheerful and to hum a little tune under her breath.
6
PEARL PERKINS, to continue the alliteration, was pert. She had a piquant face with wonder in its eyes and a small body that could create wonder in the eyes of others. The sum of her separate parts and talents was an effect of innocent sophistication that was almost perfect dissimulation for one of the most artful minds that ever schemed for next month’s rent. She and Lester, however, had long since reached a stage of comfortable disillusionment. For her part, she had learned that he could rarely be counted upon to pay the rent or anything else, and he, for his, that she was about as innocent as a weasel in a henhouse. This did not, strangely enough, cause their precarious relationship to disintegrate, as might have been expected, but rather to assume a somewhat safer realism in which spades were spades. He was so devilishly good-looking that it was a kind of asset just to be seen with him and removed the tediousness from certain episodes of generosity in which, for economic reasons, she sometimes found it expedient to engage. On the other hand, he simply found her so variously talented and so perfectly rapacious that she had assumed in his affections an elevated place that no one else had or could.
Tonight, having extended his credit a little further at a service station on the way, he parked his MG at the curb in front of her apartment house, and presented himself, a few minutes later, at her door. He rang and waited and rang again, after which, nothing having happened in response, he opened the door and went in. Sure enough, as he had expected, he immediately heard the faint sound of rushing water from a distant shower head, which meant that Pearl was running late with her toilet, not because she had been doing anything of any urgency beforehand, but simply because she had delayed starting until the last minute what had just as well been started earlier. He found a chair and collapsed on the back of his neck, stretching his legs and crossing his ankles, and pretty soon the sound of water stopped abruptly and was followed, after an interval sufficient for a brisk toweling, by the sound of bare feet padding across a carpet.
“Hey,” said Lester loudly.
“Oh,” Pearl said. “Is that you, Lester?”
“Yes, it is. You didn’t answer the bell, and so I just came on in.”
“I left the door unlocked for you.”
“I wish I’d known that. I could have avoided breaking it down.”
“What? What did you say?” Pearl’s head was projected suddenly through a crack in the bedroom door. “Lester, you’re the most insatiable liar imaginable. What makes you tell such whopping big lies for no good reason?”
“It’s a kind of compulsion. I’m sick.”
“Well, it makes you rather interesting, to be honest about it. I’m running a little late, as you can see.”
“My pet, you are always running a little late. I expect it and accept it.”
“That’s sweet. You’re really very sweet, Lester. Why don’t you make yourself a drink or something? There’s makings in the kitchen.”
“I’d rather come in there and talk with you.”
“Sweetie, I’m just out of the shower. I’m not decent.”
“I’m prepared to tolerate a little informality.”
“No, no, Lester. You musn’t be so impetuous. It’s far too early in the evening.”
“Oh, all right. I suppose I had better make myself a drink, then. Do you want me to make one for you?”
“Please do. I’ll be out in just a minute.”
Her head was withdrawn from the crack, and he got up and went into a small kitchen and began looking in cabinets for the makings. He knew from experience that the estimate of time until her appearance in a condition of decency was grossly optimistic, and so he poked about leisurely and found, after a while, a piece of a bottle of brandy and a bigger piece of bourbon. The rest of the makings turned out to be ice cubes and tap water, and he put some of each into two glasses with bourbon and carried the glasses back into the living room. On the back of his neck again, ankles crossed, he sipped from one glass and held the other with his left hand on the arm of the chair.
“There wasn’t any mix but water,” he said.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m constantly forgetting to get things.”
“It’s all right. I put bourbon in it. Bourbon and water is a very satisfactory drink.”
“Did you make one for me?”
“I did. It’s ready and waiting for you.”
“Thank you, sweetie. I’m having a little trouble with something. I’ll be out in just another minute.”
She did not specify what it was that she was having a little trouble with, and the possibilities gave him material for pleasant speculation.
“Do you want me to help you with whatever is the trouble?” he said.
“No, no. You needn’t bother.”
“It wouldn’t be any bother.”
“There’s no need now. I’m coming right away. I’m anxious to hear how everything went regarding the funeral and the will and all.”
“I must admit that I am somewhat less than anxious to tell you.”
“What was that? I couldn’t hear you, sweetie. I had my dress over my head.”
“I said I’ll tell you when you come out.”
“Well, I’m coming. All I have to do is brush my hair. I wonder if I should have gone to the funeral.”
“Good God, no! Why should you have?”
“Oh, I don’t know. It seems little enough to do for someone who left all that
money and everything. Was it just too awful?”
“I really couldn’t say. Most of the time I wasn’t paying much attention.”
“That was clever of you, sweetie. I always think the best way to survive something unpleasant is simply not to pay attention to it.”
“I’m glad you always think so, because you may soon have occasion to practice it. Damn it, Pearl, I do wish you would come out of there.”
“I’m ready, sweetie. I’m coming this instant.”
And so she was and did, wearing a black dress with a short bouffant skirt and sandals with very high thin heels to make her look taller than she was. She kissed Lester lightly on the tip of his nose, claimed her drink and curled up on the end of a sofa.
“Now, sweetie,” she said, “I’m prepared to listen, and you must tell me all about it.”
“Must I? Yes, I suppose I must. Nothing is to be gained by delaying it.”
“What are you trying to say, sweetie? I don’t like the sound of it. Did something go wrong?”
“Not exactly. I mean, things could have gone worse than they did, but they didn’t, although they may go that way yet before it’s finished.”
“Lester, I wish you wouldn’t be so devious. You are clearly trying to avoid telling me what happened. It may be necessary to sue you for breach of promise or something if you aren’t careful. Did you read the will?”
“Not verbatim. We extracted the meat of it.”
“Well, that’s just as good. It told you what your grandfather did with his money, didn’t it? Tell me directly how much you get.”
“A million and a half, more or less, in a way.”
“What the devil do you mean by more or less, in a way? Lester, it’s the most difficult thing in the world to pin you down to a candid statement. Either you get the million and a half, which would be nice, or you don’t, which would be unfortunate so far as you and I are concerned.”
“I get it, all right, but not till Senorita Fogarty dies.”
“What does Senorita Fogarty have to do with it?”
“Damn it, I just told you. Grandfather left everything in trust for her until she dies.”
Skulldoggery Page 4
