by Lee, Jane
The next day I went straight to the Job Centre to try and get another job. That was how much I wanted to stay out of trouble. You couldn’t say I wasn’t trying. I was doing more than trying. I was putting my heart and soul into going straight. The man I spoke to was really nice and helpful and could see how much I wanted to work. He immediately got me another job as an assistant manager in a fast food takeaway. And it all worked out well because I was on better money. I was getting £90 a shift and I could do two shifts a day. I loved work all over again and I got my head down.
Now, I don’t know what it was about the straight world but, yet again, the manager turned out to be a bully. Is there some sort of rule that says bosses can act like Nazis and the workers have to pretend to be stupid? Because that was how it was beginning to feel. This man was sending people home just for talking and stupid little things like that. I was convinced he had been bullied at school and was now getting his own back. Well, as you know by now, I hated bullies. I was working every hour I could but it wasn’t long before I had a run-in with the manager. He tried to send a man home for talking, which meant his money would be docked. Now this employee had a mortgage and a family and by this time I had had enough and stood up for him. I told him to stay at work and ignore the manager because he had no right to be doing what he was doing. So the manager took it out on me instead, by changing my worksheet to make it look like I had done fewer hours than I had. Once again I had ended up being done while doing an honest job. I didn’t know how people put up with this.
Again, after about six months, I had to leave the job before I did something I would regret. Who were the real criminals? I mean, what a joke! I’d gone straight and been robbed by both employers. I gave up and went on benefits. I was so fed up with it. I felt like I had more chance of getting lifed off for going straight than for anything I’d done in the criminal world, where nobody would dare to have me over. I mean, I was going to end up killing someone at this rate. It just wasn’t right. In the straight-and-narrow world I was being robbed blind.
13
FRANK, TONI AND BOB
All I ever wanted to be was a nobody, living a normal life with a loving family.
I had been out of prison for a while now and I was going through all my old prison stuff when I came across a letter from an old friend of mine called Frank. He had sent me a letter and a Valentine’s card quite a while back, when I was in prison.
I was disappointed in receiving the card, as Frank had been with a friend of mine at the time. Being a woman of loyalty, I didn’t like betrayal in any way so I had replied to his letter and just ignored the Valentine’s card. Since being home again, I realised Frank hadn’t been with his girlfriend for a few years now. She had made a new life with a new man and they had a couple of kids. It was well and truly over with Frank, who was still inside. He had got a life sentence for murder. I understood why he had sent me the card now and wrote back to him as a friend. We had grown up together in Silvertown and he had become a good mate. Within a week he phoned me and we started to write to each other regularly.
Then there was Matt. I hadn’t seen him for about a year now and I hadn’t been in a relationship with him for over five years but he was still my best friend and soul mate. What he had done for John and me in our times of trouble created a bond that would last a lifetime. He had been there when I needed him the most. For that I would always be truly grateful. I would die for Matt, yet I was used to him not being around anymore. He had gone back home to Ireland and I was used to the idea of being on my own. Matt had his own life to get on with.
And so, in time, Frank’s letters turned into declarations of love. He was ten years older and he had a way with words. He made me feel so special. You could say I fell in love with a letter. Frank was getting towards the end of his time and was now in Ford open prison in West Sussex and starting to get home leave. On one visit his mum had a party in Silvertown. Frank invited me and I was so nervous but I still went. It was like a blast from the past. I knew everyone there and Frank and I danced all night. It was lovely. That night Frank came home with me and slept on the settee. It was so nice and old-fashioned and in the morning his dad picked us up and we went to his parents’ for Sunday dinner with all his family. John didn’t come with me as he was now 18 and wanted to be with his own mates but he was pleased for me and liked Frank. He was happy that I was happy.
After lunch we had drinks, caught up and chatted about old times for ages. Then it was time for Frank to go back to prison so I went with him and his dad and dropped him off at the prison gates. It had been lovely – the first weekend I had spent with a man in many years and I was on cloud nine. At the prison gates Frank had kissed me for the first time. He caressed my face with his hands, kissed me on the lips and I just melted and fell in love.
Frank started coming home most Sundays and his dad and I would pick him up, spend the day with him and then drop him back at prison. As the months went past I fell deeper and deeper in love. Then one day, on one of his visits, we made love for the first time. I hadn’t been with a man in so long and I had mixed feelings of love, betrayal and guilt. I felt I had betrayed Matt, even though we hadn’t been together in over five years. I hadn’t even seen him for almost two years. Yet the guilt was overwhelming. He was my soul mate and, although we were not a couple, I always felt I was still his girl. So it felt so wrong when I made love with Frank. Yet somehow I had convinced myself it was right. I seemed to need the sweet, comforting words of a loving man. So I put the guilt to the back of my mind and enjoyed the beautiful feeling of someone caring for me and loving me. Oh, how I felt good in one way and so bad in another. I had wanted to be everything Matt had wanted me to be. I just wasn’t able to do it. How I wished I could turn back the clock and be all those things and avoid the heartbreak and betrayal. Oh, how I wished for that!
Then one day Frank phoned me to tell me the parole he was hoping for had come through. He was a free man and was coming home for good in the next couple of weeks. I couldn’t believe it. He said he wanted to come and live with me and I started to panic. Matt would kill us both. I knew I hadn’t seen Matt for a while but I also knew that, when I did, he would expect everything to be just as he had left it. That was Matt. He wanted to disappear for God knows how long and then return as if nothing had changed. But when he did come back, he would never accept another man in my life. So I told Frank, ‘No.’
I said, ‘I haven’t signed up for this, Frank.’ I realised then that I wanted to have a long-distance relationship with Frank, not a full-on relationship. I was being unreal and selfish, I knew, but if Matt found out about Frank, he would kill him. So I told Frank I didn’t want to see him again. I ignored his calls and letters. I was so worried about Matt finding out and that meant it was a no-go with Frank.
Then Frank upped the emotional stakes. On one of his final home leaves he said that, if I didn’t want to be with him, he was going to do a runner from prison. He threatened to go on the run there and then. I told him he had to go back or he would lose his parole. He had already done 15 years and was nearly out. I told him to think about his family. ‘They have waited fifteen years for you to come home to them,’ I pleaded. ‘Don’t do something crazy now. See sense.’
But he just said he didn’t care. I felt I was the only thing on this earth at that moment that could save him from himself. I couldn’t let him do it, for the sake of his family. How could I let him ruin his parole? So I agreed to let him come and live with me in Essex. It was a moment of weakness I would come to regret.
When Frank left prison, his family threw a big party in Silvertown. My dad came as well and Frank went up to him and said, ‘Ron, while Jane’s with me, you’ll never have to worry about her again. She’s safe now.’
My dad replied, ‘I’ve never had to worry about my Janie, Frank. And now you’re with her, it’s you who is safe.’ And, before I could stop him, he added, ‘She will protect you from anyone… well, except Matt. I’m not sure on
that score, son.’
Frank asked, ‘Who’s this Matt?’
I said, ‘No one,’ but Dad had already planted the seed. I took Frank to one side and told him that Matt was my ex and a very powerful man. I told him not to worry and I gave my word of honour Matt would never harm him. Well, Frank gave it the gangster bit that he would do Matt if he came for him but my dad and I just exchanged a knowing glance. Matt could deal with Frank, even if he had one hand tied behind his back and was blindfolded. By now my dad had realised he shouldn’t have mentioned Matt’s name.
Apart from that incident, the party went well. But I knew I had some explaining to do when we got home. I told Frank all about my relationship with Matt. But Frank just gave it the big ’un and held it against me that I had never told him about Matt. Why, I didn’t know, but jealousy played a major part in his annoyance, I suppose. To be honest, it ruined our relationship. No matter how much I tried, we always rowed over it. It got so bad that it was impossible to live together, so I told Frank to move out. He got a flat in the East End. I used to go and stay at his on a weekend but our relationship became on and off – more off than on. When it was good, it was really good but, when it was bad, it was really bad. Frank wasn’t the man I had known all those years ago. He had changed and we ended up having many more rows. I don’t know if it was prison that changed him but those 15 years certainly hadn’t done him any good. I wanted to believe we could make it but, in my heart, I knew we couldn’t and we just grew further apart.
Then one day Matt knocked on my door again. He stood there with a new Alsatian dog called Baron – a gift for John – and a bunch of flowers for me. I was so excited to see him but so nervous as well. Oh, but how good it was to see my Matt – my soul mate. Within minutes it felt like he had never been out of my life. John was over the moon with his dog. It was fully trained and there to protect us. John and Matt were so close that John was as excited as me about his return. But Matt knew something wasn’t right and, when I called him Frank by accident, he knew what was wrong.
I could hardly believe I had said ‘Frank’ but I had. I wanted to tell him calmly and break it to him gently but I had ruined that and he went mad and we started to argue and fight. I told him it had nothing to do with him but he wasn’t having any of it. I said he must have had other women in the last six years but he said he hadn’t. He said there hadn’t been anybody since me. He had always said that, if he couldn’t have me, nobody else could and at that moment in time I knew he meant it. He wanted to know who Frank was and where he lived but I wouldn’t tell him. I told Matt I had given my word of honour that he wouldn’t harm Frank and Matt knew I’d die protecting my word of honour. If he tried to hurt Frank, he would have to kill me too or I would kill him. That was the way it was.
At the same time, I really wished I’d never met Frank, let alone given my word to protect him. But, in my world, your word of honour was who you were and Frank was safe. Matt wanted to meet Frank and told me to get him to come over or he would go to him. I knew Matt would only have to make a phone call to find out where Frank lived if he really wanted to. If I wasn’t on the scene to protect Frank, he would be in big trouble. So I agreed and, when Frank arrived, he took one look at Matt and just crumbled at the size of him. I told Frank I was back with Matt. I wasn’t but that was all it took and Frank left unharmed. I was relieved the whole thing had come to a head and Matt was back and Frank was history. That was the end of Frank. I never saw him again.
So Matt was back and he was in and out like the wind. We weren’t together but we were the best of friends. We were also doing a little business, doing lunch, doing dinner and, on the rare occasion he would stay, we made love. It was almost perfect. I was his, he was mine. It went deeper than any love or any passion. Not being in a couple, I was sometimes lonely but most of the time I was happy, at least to begin with. Yet, as Matt came and went as he pleased over the next two years, I began to feel lost for the first time in my life. My son was now a man of 20 and so handsome. He got his HGV licence and was working as a lorry driver. I was so proud of him. Matt did ask me to get back with him when he was around but I knew the price. He hadn’t changed his dominating ways at all and, much as I loved him, I knew we would destroy each other sooner rather than later.
I had become good friends with a woman named Eileen, who I met in Rainham, and for the next few months she was there for me, And for that I thank you, Eileen, with all my heart. I was breeding Siamese cats to earn a living because I didn’t want to commit serious crime. I just wanted to be like normal women. But life just didn’t seem to want to let me be normal.
Matt told me he was having some trouble with the gypsies in his area down in Kent. He knew that I knew them. My gypsy mate Sharon from prison had been released and she was now the gypsy queen – the top gypsy woman in Kent. Well, in my book, she was the gypsy queen of the land. Matt knew her brother – in fact, they were best mates. I hadn’t known that when I was in prison. It was a small world. Matt did some business with Sharon and it had gone wrong and turned into a war. So Matt phoned me. Being mates with Sharon’s brother, Terry, he knew the last thing he wanted to do was go to war with them.
I told Matt to arrange a meet with Sharon and that I would sort it out. We met in a cafe on the M2. Sharon couldn’t believe it when I turned up. It was so good to see her. I hadn’t seen her since prison. She explained what was going on and I gave her my word of honour that Matt would never disrespect her but, if push came to shove, I’d die for Matt. She knew that anyway, shook hands with Matt on trust and all was well. She invited me to her place and I would have loved to have gone but Matt had other things to do and wanted to get going. Even so, it was good to see her and we promised each other that we would keep in touch. After that meeting I would say to Matt that he was powerful but, when the Irish and the gypsies went to war, I was the only one who could bring peace in both tribes. He didn’t like that but he had to admit it was true.
I might have helped that time but there was far worse to come in November 2007 and there was nothing I could do about it. Matt’s cousin turned up at my place. She said, ‘Jane, I don’t know how to tell you this so I’m just going to say it.’ She took a deep breath and I could hardly take in the words when she told me. ‘Matt’s dead, babe.’
My knees went weak. I wobbled and thought I was going to faint and I had to hang on to the door frame. Matt dead? He was only 42. The same age as me. ‘How? What’s happened?’
She told me that Ken, Matt’s best mate, had shot him in the chest with a double-barrelled shotgun after they fell out over money. It was self-defence. On the night of 17 November Matt had gone round to Ken’s house to sort out the money and that was when it happened. But that wasn’t all. ‘You have a right to know this, Jane, so I’m going to tell you the rest,’ she added. Matt has had another two women on the go that he never told you about. One has just had a baby and he had been with the other one on and off for seventeen years.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was in shock but, instead of grieving, my mood turned into anger. This might sound mad but in the space of a few moments my love for Matt turned to hatred. He had been my soul mate – my everything. But now it seemed I didn’t even know him. If he had still been alive, I would have killed him myself. Everything I believed had been a lie. Matt’s cousin suggested I sit down but I told her to leave, as I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions. I had the hump with her because of the way she had told me. She hadn’t spared me at all. In one breath she told me he was dead and that he had betrayed me for years.
I don’t know how I got through the next few days. John knew I was upset and he was grieving too. I tried not to trouble him. My mind was in turmoil. I should have been grieving but I was hating.
Then, about a week later, Sharon turned up at my door. She explained to me that the other women, Phoebe and Tracey, knew about me and each other. Phoebe, who had the baby, was terrified of me so I told her to bring her to me and to tell her
that she had nothing to fear from me. That night she brought 29-year-old Phoebe with her one-year-old baby son, who was named Matt. The boy was the spitting image of Matt and I fell in love with the baby and felt so sorry for Phoebe. My heart went out to her. She was so terrified that it hurt to see it. She thought she couldn’t go to Matt’s funeral because I would do her if she did. I said, ‘I only just found out Matt had two other families and a child when Matt was shot.’
I asked if Tracey had any kids with Matt. She said they didn’t and I told her that meant baby Matt was going to get everything that had belonged to his dad. ‘He’s Matt’s blood,’ I said and promised to go with her to sort it out with Tracey. We arrived at Tracey’s house at 3am that same morning and woke her up. When she opened the door, she knew who I was straight away. She said she hadn’t been seeing Matt when he was with me and that Matt had left her. I told her I didn’t give a shit about Matt any longer and that I was only there for his boy.
‘Everything of Matt’s goes to the baby,’ I told her.
That night she signed everything over to baby Matt and agreed to deliver by the weekend. So I had done what I’d gone to do. The baby’s mother was at peace and we dropped her off and I went to the gypsy site to stay for a while with Sharon. I needed to prepare for Matt’s funeral and Sharon was there for me all the way. But I began to think about the other woman, Tracey. Although she didn’t have any kids with Matt, she had been with him for 17 years and she did have 4 kids by another man. I know how much my own son loved Matt so I knew her kids must have loved him as well. I decided to go back and see her alone.
I could see this woman was hurting, even as she tried to reassure me that Matt had finished with her by the time he had got together with me. I told her I wasn’t there about Matt. I couldn’t care less about him at that time. I was there to make sure she was OK. In any case, she didn’t know that saying that Matt had finished with her only made it worse for me. I would never want another woman’s man. I’m not like that and it hurt me to hear her say that. She said I was his soul mate but, again, at this moment in time I hated Matt for all the lies. I felt betrayed and didn’t believe he was my soul mate.
