And I thought about Adam too. If things weren’t already awkward enough between us, they were going to be impossible now. I’d been so angry at him and I’d sobered up enough to remember exactly what I’d done last night by trying to get him to kiss me. I felt like a fool and I didn’t know how I’d ever face him again, especially after what I’d said to him. Maybe he’d take my words to heart and actually leave. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want him to go, but part of me didn’t want him to stay either. It was too hard and my emotions were all mixed up when he was around.
I took a long shower, letting the hot water pour over me, trying to wash away the regret of last night. When I was done, I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, dried my hair and pulled it back into a haphazard French braid.
It was almost noon when I was done and I knew there was no point in heading outside to help with the morning milking. That would’ve been finished hours ago while I was still sleeping off the effects of last night.
As I walked down the stairs, I could hear noises from the kitchen. I prayed it wasn’t Adam. I didn’t know what I’d say to him if it was him. I was relieved when I saw it was Sawyer.
“You’re alive,” he said. His voice was flat and I knew he was less than thrilled when he crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, looking at me disapprovingly.
I ignored him and went to the fridge for a bottle of water. I sat at the table, taking a long drink. I knew I should eat something, but my stomach was nauseous.
“Well? You’re not going to say anything?” he said and I glared at him.
“What do you want me to say, Sawyer? Yes, I’m alive.”
“I take it you feel like crap?”
“You could say that,” I said.
“You’ve got a pretty nasty hangover I take it?”
“Your insight astounds me,” I said, the sarcasm thick in my voice.
“Have you taken anything for it?” he asked.
“Just Tylenol,” I said and he shook his head.
“I came in and checked on you last night when I got home. You were passed out.”
“That would be because I was drunk, genius,” I said and he rolled his eyes at me. He turned back to the sink and was quiet for a few moments before turning back to me. He looked different now. His jaw was clenched and he looked upset.
“This isn’t a joke, Caroline,” he finally said.
“What?”
“This whole thing. Last night. Getting so trashed Erica had to call me to pick you up.”
“Oh, shut up, Sawyer,” I said dismissively.
“No. I won’t shut up. Not when my sister’s going around acting like a fool.” His words were harsh and deep and I sat there with my mouth open as I listened to him berate me. “Do you know how stupid you were, Caroline? Do you know what happens to girls like you in places like that?”
“Girls like me? What the hell does that mean?” I shot back.
“Someone could’ve put something in your drink because you were too trashed to be aware of what was going on around you. You could’ve been raped for Christ’s sake!”
“You are being ridiculous, Sawyer!” I shouted at him, standing up from the table and staring right at him.
“No, I’m not. I’m a guy. I know what guys are capable of and you put yourself in a seriously bad situation.”
“Nothing happened! I’m fine!”
“Because you were lucky.”
“No. Because I’m smart!” I yelled back.
We stood there in silence, glaring at each other. I hated the way he was looking at me. He was angry at me and I could feel tears brimming my eyes.
“What you did was not smart, Caroline. It was stupid and reckless,” he said and I felt a smirk curl up on my lips involuntarily. That’s exactly what I’d wanted to do last night. He’d taken the words right out of my mouth.
“Maybe that’s what I wanted,” I shot back.
He sighed loudly and took a step closer to me.
“I know what Caleb did to you really pissed you off, but don’t let that asshole determine who you are or who you’re going to be. You’re better than that, Caroline, and you’re sure as hell better than that stupid hickey on your neck.” He was staring down at the red mark and I grabbed my shirt, pulling at the collar until it was hidden. “I don’t even want to know how you came about getting that thing, but I hope that’s all you did.”
“Stop berating me, Sawyer. I’m not a child. I’m almost twenty-two-years-old. You are not my babysitter. You’re not my parent either. I’ll do whatever the hell I want with my body and you can just fuck off and mind your own damn business!”
My brother just stared at me, his jaw clenching tightly again. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second, before opening them and looking at me again.
“I know you’re not a child anymore, but you will always be my little sister and I will do whatever I can to keep you safe. You have spent your entire life in this bubble here in Silver Falls, but Silver Falls isn’t real life and there are bad people and bad things in this world. What you did last night…it could’ve been so bad, Caroline, and when I think of anything ever happening to you…of anyone hurting you…I can’t allow that to happen.” I thought I heard his voice crack as he spoke and I suddenly felt badly for telling him to fuck off. He just wanted to keep me safe. He always had. “Guys are not good. We’re not nice, Caroline.” He was serious as he said the words. He wanted me to believe it. “We can’t be trusted. I didn’t even want to ask Adam to go and pick you up.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he’s a guy too and you were vulnerable,” he said and I felt my face twist in confusion as to what he was insinuating.
“You thought Adam would do something to me?” I asked softly.
“No,” he said quickly. “Logically, no, but he’s been gone for so long. We’ve both seen how he’s changed and you were wasted. You never know what can happen in a situation like that.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this about Adam,” I said defensively. My voice was calm, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. “He’s your best friend, Sawyer. I’ve known him my whole life and I can’t believe you’d think he’d try and take advantage of me.”
He lowered his eyes from mine. I knew he felt the shame of what he’d implied. I never would’ve guessed he’d say those things about Adam. Maybe I didn’t know Adam as well as I thought. There had to be more to the story if Sawyer was saying these things.
“You never really know anyone, Caroline,” he said softly. “It shouldn’t even be a concern much longer since he’s talking about going back to Boston anyway.”
“What?” I asked quickly. “When did he say he was going back to Boston?” I knew I sounded eager and I could tell my tone had piqued my brother’s interest.
“He didn’t say for sure. He just mentioned it last night,” Sawyer mumbled.
I wanted to kick myself for how I’d treated Adam and all the terrible things I’d said to him. I wanted to say something more, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask too many questions or seem concerned that Adam mentioned leaving. That would make Sawyer suspicious and I couldn’t have that.
“I’ve gotta get back to work, but seriously, Caroline,” he said, looking straight at me. “Don’t do anything stupid like that again.” His tone was still harsh and before I could say anything, he was gone. I’d never seen my brother so disappointed in me and now Adam was thinking about leaving. The one time I decided to be reckless and stupid, it ended up coming back to bite me in the ass.
I heard a text notification go off on my phone and when I picked it up, I saw it was from Erica. I felt a pit in my stomach wondering how pissed she was going to be at me too.
ERICA: U ALIVE?
The message wasn’t combative, so maybe I was worrying for nothing.
ME: BARELY. YOU?
It only took her a second to write back.
ERICA: JUST WOKE UP. I WAS OUT WITH JOE TILL
2 A.M.
I vaguely remembered Joe as the frat boy she’d hooked up with since I’d been too busy getting wasted and making out with Robert to pay much attention.
ME: DID ROBERT EVER COME BACK TO THE CLUB? I HOPE HE’S OKAY.
ERICA: NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. HE WAS PROBABLY AT THE HOSPITAL. ;-) THE POOR GUY’S NOSE IS PROBABLY THE SIZE OF A GRAPEFRUIT.
I laughed out loud at her last text, but I still felt terrible for what had happened.
ME: SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. I WASN’T MYSELF.
ERICA: NO U WEREN’T. ALL’S GOOD THOUGH.
ME: DON’T LET ME DRINK AGAIN.
ERICA: PROMISE.
I set the phone down and then found my gaze drifting to the front door. I needed to smooth things over with my brother and I had to talk to Adam, especially now that I knew he was thinking of returning to Boston. I thought last night was all about me and what I needed, but what I needed now was to not let Adam leave. He may have pushed me away, but I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t not want to see his face anymore, even if he didn’t want me to and all I could do was look. I wanted him to stay and I’d probably ruined that too.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I walked outside and headed for the barn. I was nervous as I entered because I didn’t know how Adam would react to me or what I would say to him.
I saw him before he saw me. He was hunched over the sink, washing his hands. His white t-shirt was stained from a hard morning of work. He wasn’t wearing a baseball hat, which allowed his dark hair to fall onto his forehead. His profile was almost too perfect. He must’ve heard me then because he turned his head and his eyes found mine. I waited for him to smile. I needed for him to smile, but he didn’t. He still looked hurt and I hated knowing I had been the one to hurt him by telling him I didn’t want him around. I’d never told a bigger lie in my life because as I looked at him now, I knew I needed him to stay.
I wanted to say something, even if it was good morning, but I couldn’t find my voice and before I could locate it, Sawyer appeared, wiping his hands on a towel. Adam finished washing his hands and then dried them before walking away, not even looking at me once more before he did. I hated knowing he was mad at me. I felt the start of a lump in my throat, but I swallowed through it so I could deal with my brother.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer,” I said without warning. He set the towel down and came closer to me. “I’m sorry I made you worry last night and I’m sorry for what I did. I know it was stupid of me and I know what could’ve happened. I should’ve been more careful and I will be in the future. I’ve just been…I’ve just been in a funk lately, with Caleb and with…” I almost said Adam. It was on the tip of my tongue ready to fly out of my mouth so Sawyer would know I was into his best friend, but I stopped myself before my secret got out. “With everything,” I continued, quickly hiding my near slip. “I thought it would be a good idea, but it wasn’t and I’m sorry.”
He looked at me for a second and then his face softened, pulling me in for a hug.
“I’m sorry for jumping all over you like that. I know I overreacted. You’re a grown woman. I know that, but I can’t seem to be able to stop wanting to protect you.”
“I hope you never do,” I said as I pulled away from him. “I’m lucky to have you, Sawyer. Always have been and even though you can be a hard ass sometimes, I love you.” I laughed quietly and then he smiled at me. “We’re okay then?” I asked him and he nodded, but I wasn’t done yet. I felt I had to say something else in defense of Adam. “And about Adam,” I said, lowering my voice and looking around to make sure he couldn’t hear us, “I want you to know he was nothing but a gentleman last night. He made sure I got home safely and he even lectured me about what I did. He was trying to keep me safe…just like you. Maybe he’s not as different as you think he is.”
I saw the smile leave my brother’s face and he nodded.
“Maybe not,” he said softly.
“Can I give you guys a hand?” I asked, but he shook his head.
“We’re just about done. You should probably get some more sleep. You look like shit,” he said with a wide grin.
I started laughing and slugged him on the arm.
“Can you take me to get my car later?” I asked and he nodded.
“Sure,” he said and then turned and left the barn, my smile fading as I realized I still hadn’t said a word to Adam to undo the damage I’d done.
~~~
I saw Sawyer’s SUV pull away from the house around seven. Aside from the drive my brother and I took after lunch to get my car, I’d stayed in the house all day. My headache was nearly gone and I almost felt like myself again. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Adam though and what I’d said to him. I couldn’t get the look on his face in the barn earlier out of my mind. I knew I had to fix it and I couldn’t hide anymore. Even if he didn’t want to speak to me, I had to try. I at least had to apologize. He had to know how I really felt.
I went to the window, my eyes landing on the stable house off in the distance. The lights were on and Adam’s truck was outside. He was home and he was alone. I had no more excuses.
I slipped on my flip-flops and opened the door. The peep toads seemed especially loud tonight and the sun was starting to set. It shouldn’t have taken me as long as it did to get to the stable house, but I’d taken my time as I thought about what I’d say to him. When I got to the door, I lifted my hand to knock, but hesitated. I took in a deep breath and then rapped on it quickly. As I heard the heavy footsteps approaching, I could feel my heart beating faster and then the door opened and he was standing before me looking entirely too good in a pair of black Nike shorts and a white undershirt. There was a light shadow on his face and I knew he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. His dark hair was a tousled mess, as if he’d simply ran his hands through it after the shower and allowed it to dry however he wanted.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey,” he answered and I prayed he’d smile at me.
“I know I shouldn’t be here even asking you this,” I began and then hesitated. “I was hoping I could talk to you.”
He looked away for a second, but then stepped aside, gesturing me in. I walked in and he shut the door behind me. My eyes were drawn to the TV and the Red Sox game that was showing on it. I don’t know why I was surprised to see him watching it, but I was.
“You watch the games?” I asked. It was an avoidance tactic, I knew that, but I couldn’t stop myself. He walked over, picked up the remote and turned it off.
“I am still technically a member of the team, although an inactive one. Plus, I’ve gotta hear about all the speculation from the play by play guys about how my rehab is going,” he said with a quiet, sarcastic laugh as we sat down on the couch.
“How is it going?” I asked.
“I’m obviously not doing much rehab, unless milking cows counts,” he said.
“When will you go back to training?”
“I’m not sure. I just had the surgery a few months ago. I’ll wait and see what the doctors say. I have an appointment in a few weeks back in Boston,” he said and it grew quiet. I couldn’t just stand here as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn’t been a total bitch the night before.
I turned to face him, my eyes meeting his deep blue ones and I just had to say it because I couldn’t stand how things were between us.
“I’m sorry, Adam,” I finally said. “When I came out to the barn this morning, I wanted to apologize and tell you how sorry I am for how I treated you last night and for the awful things I said to you, but I couldn’t, not after the way you looked at me, but really, Adam, you have no idea how badly I feel.”
“You really don’t have to apologize, Caroline,” he said after a few seconds.
“Yes, I do. Sawyer told me you mentioned going back to Boston and I shouldn’t have said what I said to you. I didn’t mean it. We want you here,” I said softly and then looked into his eyes again. “I want you here.”
“
I said you don’t need to apologize, Caroline.”
“Yes, I do. You came to help me and I was a total bitch to you. You have to believe me when I say I didn’t mean any of it. I hope you’re not thinking about going back to Boston just because of what I said. I was…I don’t know. I was upset and I’m not proud of myself last night…for the way I acted at the club…for what I did with that guy,” I said, shaking my head. “It was stupid and you were right. It’s not me, but I wanted to be someone else, even if it was just for one night.”
“Why would you want to be anybody other than who you are, Caroline?” he asked and I didn’t answer right away.
“Because the person I am hasn’t worked out that well so far,” I finally said, looking down at my fidgeting hands for a second before meeting his eyes again.
“You’re wrong on that one, Caroline,” he said softly. “You’re perfect.”
What the hell was he doing to me? He’d flat out rejected me twice and here he sat, saying things to me that he shouldn’t be saying.
“Then…then why do you keep pushing me away, Adam?” I asked softly, surprising myself with the words. I hadn’t expected to say them, but I did. “Last night…with you…I don’t know why I did what I did. I guess I’m just confused…about you and me, which is why I got so angry last night. Unless I’m reading into things…unless I’m wrong about what I’m feeling…about what I thought you felt too…” I stammered, the words continuing to fall out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
“You’re not wrong, Caroline,” he began softly. “You’re not wrong about any of it,” he said, looking away.
“Then why? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
He was quiet for a few long moments and I knew he was formulating what he was going to say. The silence started to get uncomfortable and then he finally looked at me again.
Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1) Page 12
