“Adam,” I whispered, wiping my eyes and not knowing what else to say.
“I woke up this morning truly hopeful for the first time in a long time. My life was back on track. I loved the game again. My arm is getting better every day and you were next to me when I woke up. I had everything I could ever need and then you go and do this.”
“I love you, Adam. I don’t want to hurt you. It’s just too hard. This is what I need,” I said, trying to convince myself.
“As long as you have what you need and to hell with what anyone else needs, right?”
He stared at me coldly. He was hurting. I’d crushed him. I still couldn’t believe I had that kind of power over Adam DeLain, but as I stared back at him, I knew I did and I had never felt so terrible as I did at this moment.
“We could’ve made this work. We just needed each other,” he said and then it grew quiet for a long time until it became uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I pleaded.
“Just go, Caroline. You made your decision, so just go.”
“Adam,” I said, reaching for him. I didn’t want to end it like this. I didn’t want him to hate me. I loved him still. I probably always would and to see the way he was looking at me was more than I could take. “Please don’t let this be how we say goodbye.”
He started laughing then, the sound of it extremely out of place for what was happening between us. He looked at me, running his hand anxiously through his hair.
“Are you kidding me, Caroline? You’ve gotta be fuckin’ joking, right?” he scoffed. “You just broke up with me and you’re not satisfied with how I’m reacting? What the hell do you want from me? You want me to give you a handshake and a slap on the back, wishing you well on your future endeavors? I fucking love you and you’re walking away! Sorry if I’m a little upset about the situation!”
“Adam, I wish it didn’t have to be this way,” I pleaded.
“It doesn’t have to be this way,” he said coldly. “You’re making it this way.” His voice cracked and he stared into my eyes again. “You have to go. You can’t be here anymore. I can’t continue to look at you and know it’s over, so please,” he said, his voice finally calming, “please just go.”
I looked at him and I’d never seen him like this. I’d never seen such pain in him before. I blinked and the tears fell again. I turned quickly, not even bothering to go upstairs and get the few things I’d brought with me. I just grabbed my purse and ran to the door, swinging it open. I turned once more before stepping out and found Adam staring at me from the kitchen. Our eyes locked for a brief moment and all the memories we shared came washing over me. It took everything in my power not to run back to him. I didn’t though. I finally walked out, closing the door behind me and shutting Adam out of my life.
Thirty-Eight
Sawyer was waiting for me on the porch steps when I pulled up to the house three hours later. I hadn’t told my family where I’d gone. It was reckless and irresponsible, but my mind hadn’t been in the right place last night. When I looked at Sawyer through the windshield, our eyes locked. He didn’t look overly worried though and I knew Adam must’ve told him where I was.
As I turned off the car, I was actually surprised I’d made it home. I think I cried for the first hour as I drove, telling myself repeatedly that I’d done the right thing. Adam and I might not see it now, but I kept telling myself someday we’d realize it was for the best. I was having a hard time convincing myself though.
I got out of the car finally as Sawyer eyed me still. I didn’t move towards him right away. I was trying to read his face. His arms were resting on his knees, his mouth was in a serious line and his brow was creased.
“Hey,” I eventually said, walking slowly towards him, my feet dragging against the dirt.
“Hey,” he replied as I tentatively sat down beside him. We hadn’t said a world to each other since the night before when he’d kicked Caleb’s ass and I’d ran away. It seemed so long ago now.
“We were worried about you, running off like that,” he said.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve let you know where I was.”
“I thought you’d gone to Erica’s, but when I called her, she said you weren’t there. I texted Adam after a few hours. He told me you were with him.”
“Did he let you know I was on my way home too?” I asked and Sawyer nodded. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“I’m sorry for what I did last night and for everything else. I’ve been a dick and I’m sorry.”
I put my hand on Sawyer’s knee and rested my head on his shoulder.
“It’s okay. I know you were just looking out for me.”
“Still…I need to back off and let you live your life. I’ve hovered your whole life. I know it was wrong and I’m sorry, Caroline. I’m sorry for stepping in with Caleb and I’m even more sorry about the way I handled everything with Adam.”
I looked at my brother and I could see his regret. But, as I looked at him, as annoyed as I got sometimes, I knew I was grateful for the times Sawyer had always been there. The times he was there when no one else was. All the time times he caught me when I fell. I was lucky to have my big brother in my life.
“I’m sorry too, Sawyer. For saying the things I’ve said. And you don’t need to apologize. You were only looking out for me. You always have. Truthfully, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
I put my arm around him and squeezed him for a second, the way he’d done to me so many times in my life when he was trying to make me feel better.
“The way I treated you and the way I treated Adam though…it wasn’t right. I made a terrible mistake with how I handled you and Adam. I was wrong about him. I was wrong about the way he feels about you. I was just plain wrong and I’m sorry, Care. I’ve seen the way you’ve been since he left. I don’t think I’ve really seen you smile since he went back to Boston and I can’t help but feel it’s my fault.”
“Sawyer,” I interrupted. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“But I do and I should. I can’t protect you from everything. I know that and I need to stop thinking I can. But what really matters is that I never needed to protect you from Adam in the first place. The guy’s my best friend and he loves you. He’s a better man because of you, Caroline, and I’ve never seen you happier than when you are with him, despite what an asshole I was about it all. You should be together.”
I could feel tears in my eyes as I listened to my brother say all the things I’d wished he’d said from the moment he found out about Adam and I.
“Just let it go, Sawyer. It’s too late anyway and it doesn’t matter. I…I broke up with Adam last night.”
“Care,” he sighed.
“Stop trying to take credit for this, Sawyer. It wasn’t just you, so you can stop feeling guilty.”
“Then what was it?”
“I’ve just realized our lives are too different.”
“But, you deserve to be happy,” he protested.
My eyes drifted up to his face. The conviction on it was unmistakable.
“You know I love him, Sawyer,” I said quietly, speaking through the lump in my throat, “but I can’t do it. It’s too much. We’re too different. Our worlds are too different and this is what I need. He needs to focus on getting better. This is what we both need. It’s what’s best.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?”
“Sawyer, please. Today was hard enough. I don’t need to defend myself to you,” I sighed.
It was quiet for a few moments as we sat looking off into the distance at the farm, the only home we’d ever known. I told myself I was happy here, that I would always be happy in a place like this. A safe place where I could simply be me.
“How’s Adam?” Sawyer finally asked.
“I wish I could say he’s okay, but he’s not.”
Sawyer sighed, running an anxious hand through his hair.
“I’ve never seen him
with anyone like the way I’ve seen him with you, Care. He loves you.”
“I know that, but just because two people love each other doesn’t always mean they should be together,” I said and silence settled in for a few seconds.
“Maybe not,” Sawyer finally said and it grew quiet again until he patted my knee and stood up. “I’m sorry about all of this, Care. If you need anything, let me know.”
“I will,” I said as Sawyer trotted down the steps and headed to the stable house. I knew he felt guilty and I wish he didn’t.
I stayed seated though, gazing out at the farm while I fought the tears in the backs of my eyes. The sound of the screen door opening brought me back from my reverie and I turned to see my mother standing there. She looked at me with sympathetic eyes and then took the few steps to sit down beside me. I didn’t have to say a word for her to know what had happened. She put her arm around me, pulling me close and I didn’t try and fight the tears any longer.
Thirty-Nine
“Have you seen this?” Erica said, walking quickly towards me when she entered the restaurant as my shift was ending and hers was getting ready to start.
I’d been trying to move on with my life since things ended with Adam. I’d stayed off social media and I’d focused on work and preparing for the upcoming semester. I was trying to keep my mind busy so I couldn’t second guess what I had done. I didn’t feel any better about my decision, but I told myself I would get used to this new reality, where life was just as it was before Adam DeLain decided to return to Silver Falls.
“Have I seen what?” I asked, trying to roll the silverware in napkins without getting sucked into her overexuberance.
“These posts on Instagram.”
“You know I suspended my accounts,” I said, eyeing her.
“Yeah, I know. You’re trying to live under a rock,” she said sarcastically.
“I’m just trying to live,” I shot back and she rolled her eyes.
“Anyway,” she continued. “Since your decision to take it back to the 80s, you missed this.”
She held out her phone to me. I looked at it for a moment, almost afraid to take it from her, but she pushed it towards me again and I had to take it. I looked down at the screen and I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face when I saw the picture staring back at me. I had no recollection of it being taken, but I was just a kid. No more than eight. Adam was in the picture too. We were outside by the barn. It was summer. I could tell by our shorts and flip flops. My hair was in pigtails that were barely staying in. Adam was wearing a Red Sox hat and a t-shirt from his summer camp. He had his arm around me and was giving me bunny ears while sticking his tongue out at the camera. I realized the picture had to have been taken by Sawyer when my parents had given him a camera for his birthday. He’d taken a million pictures that summer before he lost interest and gave up his dreams of being the next Ansel Adams. I didn’t know where Adam had found the picture, but he had and now everyone who followed him had seen it.
There was a short caption underneath it. When life was simple in Silver Falls.
I scrolled down and felt my hand covering my mouth when I saw the next picture. There was no caption this time, just a picture because a caption wasn’t needed for those of us in it. It was from Homecoming my sophomore year, shortly before I started dating Caleb. Adam and Sawyer were home for the weekend from UVM and they’d watched as I posed for pictures with my date, Lance Stevenson. He’d been on the football team with Adam the year before when Lance was a junior and Adam was a senior. I could still remember my brother and Adam pulling Lance aside. Their backs were to me, but I could see Lance’s face. He nodded an unusual number of times as they talked. I had no idea what they’d said to Lance, but I assumed they threatened him with his life because for the rest of the night he’d seemed nervous and he didn’t try anything with me, not even a kiss goodnight, which I’d been counting on, especially the way we’d been flirting since he’d asked me out. Before we’d left for the dance though, my mom had wanted a picture of Adam, Sawyer and I. They’d stood on either side of me, each putting their arm around me. I hadn’t seen the picture in years, but I couldn’t stop looking at it now. They’d always been there for me, my whole life. Adam had left for a little while, but I knew he’d never really gone away. He’d always been there, but now…now he wasn’t.
“And tell me again why you broke up with him, Caroline?” she said, grabbing the phone from me and folding her arms. “He hasn’t said anything on any of his accounts in forever and then he comes out of nowhere with this.”
“Because it’s the way it has to be.”
“Bullshit. That’s the way you think it has to be in your crazy little mind.”
“Yes, because insults are exactly what I need right now,” I said as I finished rolling a napkin and putting it in the bin with the others.
“I’m not trying to insult you rather than helping you see the error of your ways. Adam loves you, Caroline. I thought it was just a summer fling, but I was wrong. He really loves you and you’re just going to sit here rolling utensils while you let that man slip away.”
I sighed, putting the bin away and then turning to Erica.
“I’m asking you. Please, Erica. Leave it alone. This is already hard enough for me.”
“I just want to shake you sometimes, Caroline. Tell you to wake the hell up!”
“I’m wide awake, Erica,” I sighed.
“You wanted the fairy tale. You wanted Prince Charming and he’s right in front of your damn face and you’re just pushing him aside for what? This glamorous life in Silver Falls? You’re so much bigger than all of this, Caroline. When are you going to see it?”
“Adam and I are too different. You know it. We all know it.”
“Different can be good, Care,” she shot back.
“I know,” I said softly, staring down at the floor. “But you know I’m not cut out for it. For the scrutiny. For all of it.” My voice drifted off and I could feel the burning in my throat.
“Screw those people saying things about you! They’re not worth the air they breathe! They don’t mean anything,” she said, her voice strong and firm.
“I know that. Logically, I know that, but it doesn’t stop the hurt it causes. You have no idea how I’ve felt since it all started. I’ve got a knot in my stomach all the time. I’ve never felt so badly about myself,” I said, staring back down at the counter.
“Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare say that!” I felt her hand on my chin, forcing my gaze up back to hers. “Ever since that douchebag broke up with you, you’ve had this opinion of yourself that there’s something wrong with you, like you’re not good enough. Caleb fucked with your mind and you need to get those stupid thoughts of out of your damn head! You are amazing and beautiful, Caroline Hale. Just because Caleb’s an asshole and some trolls on the internet have nothing better to do than tear someone down does not mean you have to listen to them.” Her eyes were fierce. I had no doubt she meant what she said and I knew if the roles were reversed, she could probably handle it. That’s how Erica was though. Strong and undeterred by what people thought of her. “You always play it safe,” she continued. “You don’t want to take any risks. Life is for taking chances or else it’s going to get real boring real fast and you’re going to be stuck here in Silver Falls, living the same pathetic life as everyone else in this town.”
“Maybe that’s exactly what I want.”
“Yeah,” she said, the ridicule heavy in her voice. “Keep telling yourself that.”
“Like I’ve already said a hundred times, you can’t understand,” I said, meeting her eyes harshly.
“The only thing I can’t understand is why you’re willing to give up a man like that.”
“Have you already forgotten our conversations this summer? The fact you called me out for falling for him? Your opinion certainly has changed,” I said sharply and she sighed, taking in a breath for responding.
“No, Caroline
, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten what I said to you, but I was wrong. I see it now. I see this,” she said, holding up her phone to me so I was looking at the pictures. “And I see a man who loves you. A man who’s probably always loved you. Do you know what I would give to have someone who loves me the way Adam loves you? I know it’s scary, but you can’t let yourself be afraid.”
“I’m fine, Erica,” I said, forcing myself to look away from the photos.
“Are you just going to keep telling yourself that until you start believing it? Is that your plan?”
“I have no plan other than to keep living my life and moving on. Summer is over. School starts next week and that is what I’m focusing on. That’s what I have to focus on right now,” I said, feeling my throat tighten.
“You are unbelievable, Caroline,” Erica sighed.
“This is my life, Erica. Stop worrying about what I’m doing with it.”
“I just want you to be happy,” she said. “You deserve to be happy.”
Our eyes locked and we were in a stand-off for a few moments. I didn’t like the look she was giving me. She could see right through me as my lip trembled and tears began to fill my eyes. She knew even though I was talking a tough game, I was miserable inside. I was lonely and I missed Adam. She knew that.
“I miss him, Erica,” I finally said, needing to say it out loud. “He’s in my thoughts all the time. I love him. I’ll admit all of that to you if it makes you feel better. If you want to hear me say it, I just did. But, what Adam and I had…it’s over. I’m just trying to move one, so please, I’m asking you to not make this any harder for me than it already it. Let me pretend that I’m moving on and that I’m okay even though I’m not. Please.”
Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1) Page 34
