Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1)

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  She didn’t say anything right away. She looked away for a second and then brought her eyes back to mine. She reached over and touched my arm gently and I saw defeat in her eyes. She wouldn’t hound me anymore. She knew I’d made my decision.

  “Okay,” she said softly.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, forcing the words from the lump in my throat as I pulled off my apron and clocked out. “Have a good shift.”

  I didn’t give Erica a chance to say anything else. I grabbed my purse and went to my car. I turned it on and was about to put it in gear when I stopped. The conversation with Erica kept replaying in my mind and my thoughts drifted to the picture of Adam and I when we were younger, before life got complicated. He missed me and I missed him. I reached into my purse and pulled out my phone. I stared at his name in my contact list for a few moments before I finally opened a new text message to him. I took a deep breath and then started typing. My heart was pounding and my fingers were almost trembling as I started typing. Four little words that meant so much.

  I MISS YOU TOO.

  I stared at the words. My heart was pounding and my thumb hovered over the send button. I told myself to push it, to send him the message so he would know he wasn’t alone. That even though we weren’t together that didn’t mean he wasn’t on my mind. I felt my finger getting closer, about to send it, but then I forced myself to stop. Instead of hitting send, I quickly deleted the whole text, watching the words I’d wanted to say to him disappear. I couldn’t do this to him. I’d already hurt him enough.

  I shoved the phone back in my purse and quickly pulled out of the parking lot, heading back to the farm, to my home, alone, without Adam, just as it’d been ever since I’d pushed him out of my life.

  Forty

  Since my parents had come back, I hadn’t made the early morning trek to the barn to help out very much. I told myself it was because I was busy or that I wasn’t needed, but if I was being honest, the real reason was that I wanted to stay away from the memories there that reminded me so much of Adam. Before he’d shown up, it was just a barn, but after this summer, it was so much more.

  Like every time I’d stepped inside the barn since Adam left I expected to look up and see him there, standing in his old jeans and faded ball cap, a light beard on his face and a crooked smile just for me. I expected him to sidle up beside me, inconspicuously holding my hand or kissing me on the cheek. I expected to hear his voice say my name and I expected to feel whole like I always did when I was with him.

  None of those things happened though. The absence he left was heavy and even though I’d sent him away and told myself to be strong, I fought the tears as I made my way towards my father and brother.

  “Mornin’, Caroline,” my dad greeted me, smiling from under the wide brim of his hat. He knew Adam and I had broken up, but he’d done an excellent job of acting as if nothing had changed. Probably because it hadn’t for him. He’d never seen Adam and I together. He’d never seen the happiness he brought me. He didn’t see how my heart was broken. Sawyer saw it though. He knew and he greeted me with a gentle smile.

  We hadn’t talked much since the morning I’d returned from Boston; when he’d apologized for everything. Honestly, I was afraid to hear what else he would say to me. I’d made my choice and I had to keep telling myself it was the right one.

  “Hey, Dad. I thought you guys might need some help this morning.”

  “We can always use help,” he said, motioning me over to where he was hooking up a cow to milk. “Take over for me?” he asked and I nodded.

  “Sure,” I said. He smiled in thanks, patting me on the back and then walked away, leaving just Sawyer and me.

  “How’re you doing?” Sawyer finally said after a few moments of heavy silence.

  “I’m good,” I answered, forcing cheer into my voice.

  “You haven’t been around much.”

  “I know. I’ve been working a lot and I’m getting ready for classes to start. I can’t believe I go back Monday,” I said, continuing the casual façade I was trying to project.

  “Summer went by fast,” he said and I nodded before it was quiet again for a few moments. Sawyer seemed nervous as he worked and when he started speaking, I could tell he was. “So, uh…I’ve been meaning to tell you I’m heading to Boston this weekend.”

  His words caused me to stop what I was doing, my eyes drifting to my brother who was looking at me with an unsure expression.

  “Oh yeah?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. “Why’re you going there?”

  “Um…Adam invited Lindsey and I to a game. The season’s almost over so I thought it’d be fun.”

  “You and Adam are talking again?” I asked curiously.

  “Yeah. I called him and we talked.”

  “You’re good then?” I asked hopefully. No matter what had happened with Adam and I, I wanted my brother and him to be close again.

  “Yeah. I think we are,” he said and I found myself smiling.

  “I’m really glad you guys worked it out.”

  “Me too,” he said and it grew quiet again for a few moments before I started talking again.

  “Um…how is he? How’s Adam?” I asked timidly.

  Sawyer sighed, the light in his eyes from earlier was gone.

  “I think he’s managing,” he replied, but offered nothing else.

  “Is he okay?” I pressed.

  “I guess he’s as okay as you can expect, considering everything.”

  I wanted to ask him if Adam had said anything about me or about how he was feeling. I’d known how he was feeling though. His Instagram posts had told me all I needed to know. He missed me just as much as I missed him. The only difference was I was too afraid to tell him and I was the reason for our separation.

  “Well, tell him I said hi, will you?” I asked.

  Sawyer eyed me curiously. He knew me too well and he could tell I wasn’t as strong as I was pretending to be.

  “Yeah, I’ll tell him,” he finally said. He started to walk away, but then he stopped, turning to look at me again. “Or you could always tell him yourself.”

  I felt the tears threatening and I swallowed through the tightening of my throat.

  “No, I can’t,” I managed to get out. “I’ve already said too much.”

  My eyes locked with my brother’s for a few moments. I didn’t need to say anything else for him to understand what I meant. He nodded and smiled gently at me before turning around again and leaving.

  I told myself to let go of the loneliness; to let go of the sadness; to let go of the memories. It would get better. I just needed more time. I had to keep telling myself that.

  Forty-One

  It was only the second day of classes, but I was already tired. Between working and assignments, I knew it’d be a long semester and if today was any indication, Tuesdays were going to be especially painful. My last class of the day didn’t end until five o’clock and after getting to my car and making the drive back to Silver Falls, it was after six before I pulled in front of the house.

  I noticed Sawyer’s SUV right away. I hadn’t seen it in days. He’d been in Boston. He was home now though and I couldn’t help but wonder how the weekend had gone. I wondered how Adam had been and how he was doing.

  My eyes drifted to the stable house. The lights were on so I knew Sawyer was inside. I started towards the porch to grab some dinner, but then I stopped, my eyes finding the stable house again and instead I headed there.

  I stopped outside the door. Sometimes I would just walk in, but things had changed over the summer and I didn’t feel right simply walking into his house. I knocked and then a few moments later, the door opened and Sawyer stood there. Our eyes met and it didn’t take long for a nervous smile to curl up on his lips.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hey,” I answered and then motioned inside. “Mind if I come in?”

  “Sure,” he said, opening the door a little more to let me in.

&nb
sp; I stepped into the living room. The TV was on and by the rumpled cushions on the couch and bag of open chips, I knew he’d been relaxing. I walked over to the couch and set my bag on the table before I sat down. Sawyer joined me a second later.

  “What’re you watching?” I asked, reaching into the chip bag and stealing one.

  “Just watching the pre-game show. The Sox play in a half an hour.”

  I nodded and took another chip.

  “How was Boston?” I asked. “Did you and Lindsey have a good time?”

  “Yeah, we did.” Sawyer was smiling again. Not a nervous smile like when he saw me at the door, but a smile that told me how much he cared for Lindsey.

  “So, where is this thing with the two of you going?” I teased, leaning over and elbowing him in the ribs.

  “I don’t know,” he said, pushing me back.

  “I don’t buy it. I can’t recall the last time you’ve been this smitten with a girl.”

  “I’m not smitten.”

  “What? Are you in love with her?” I asked with a playful laugh.

  “Maybe I am,” he said and I felt my mouth gape open.

  “Seriously?” I asked and when he nodded slowly, the playfulness started to fade. “Really, Sawyer?”

  “Yeah,” he answered, his voice fading and a content smile spreading on his face. “I think she may be the one.”

  “The one? You’re thinking you want to marry her?” My brother had never even spoken of marriage to me.

  “Not yet, obviously. But, maybe.”

  I looked at my brother and then reached over, giving him a quick hug.

  “You don’t know how happy that makes me, Sawyer. You deserve to be happy.”

  “We both do,” he said.

  I felt my back stiffen at his words. I knew what he was implying. Sawyer still felt guilty about what had happened with Adam and me. He still felt as if it was his fault. I’d all but told him that it was and he’d believed it.

  “So, what’d you do in Boston?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Caught a show at The House of Blues. Went to a game at Fenway. The usual stuff.”

  “A game at Fenway with Adam isn’t the usual stuff,” I said with a quick laugh.

  “No, it’s not,” he agreed and I knew he’d had an amazing time.

  “Did you meet some players?”

  “Yeah. It was pretty incredible.”

  “Definitely,” I said, thinking back to my night at Fenway with Adam. Despite everything, I’d never forget it. Sawyer and I leaned against the back of the couch and I turned my head towards him. “Everything was okay with you and Adam then?”

  “It was.”

  “Good,” I said and it grew quiet as I turned back to the TV and the pregame show where the commentators were discussing the pitching matchup between the Red Sox and Orioles in the upcoming game. I couldn’t help but think of Adam and I turned to look at my brother who was focused on the TV.

  “Sawyer,” I asked softly and he turned to look at me. “How is Adam?”

  “About as good as you,” he responded. I’d tried to put on a brave face, but obviously, my brother had seen right through it. “He misses you, Care.”

  “Did he talk about me?” I asked, nervous to hear what Sawyer would say.

  “No, but he didn’t have to. He’s my best friend and you’re my sister. I know you both. You don’t have to say anything for me to know how you’re feeling.”

  I didn’t know what to say to Sawyer and so I said nothing, looking back at the TV instead.

  We watched in silence for a little while as the conversation on the pitchers continued, but then Adam’s picture suddenly appeared in the right-hand corner of the screen. It was the same graphic they’d used during his last active season. He was in his white home jersey and dark blue cap with the distinctive red B on the front. The smile on his face was one I’d seen a million times and I felt an ache in my heart as the conversation changed to Adam. They talked about the timetable for his return and what his rehab looked like, including his workouts at Fenway. When the commentator mentioned they’d caught up with Adam after his session earlier in the afternoon, I could feel my heart start to beat faster when I realized he was about to come on the screen.

  He was sitting in the dugout with the network’s current flavor of the month for a sideline reporter. She started asking him about how his arm was doing and what the next step in the process was in his rehabilitation. He gave the standard answers I expected, but then she turned it on him, asking him how he’d spent his time away from the club after the surgery.

  I don’t think anyone else would’ve picked up on it, but I did. The way his eyes dipped down at the ground. That’s what he did when he was thinking; when his mind was taking him back to a memory. I knew at that moment, he was back in Silver Falls.

  “I went home for a little while,” he finally said, looking up at the reporter.

  “And home is Silver Falls, Vermont, correct?”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “There’s a rumor that you worked on a dairy farm while you were there?” she asked with a smile and Adam nodded.

  “I tried,” he said, laughing too. “My buddy’s family took pity on and let me give it a shot.”

  “And how’d that go?”

  I saw his eyes look right at the camera, almost as if he was looking right at me.

  “It was the best summer of my life,” he said, a gentleness to his voice that hadn’t been there a moment before.

  “That must be one heck of a dairy farm,” she said and they both laughed.

  “Yeah, it is,” he said. “I reconnected with some special people. One in particular. She’s the reason I’m back here actually.”

  “Can you tell us more about that?”

  “Um,” Adam began and he looked down again, pausing for a second before continuing. “When this happened to my arm…I didn’t know if I’d play again. I didn’t know if I could play again. But, Caroline,” he said, saying my name without hesitation and I felt a lump in my throat as I waited for him to finish. “She helped me see how much I wanted to get my life back. To get back to the game. And hopefully I’m on the way back.”

  “Well, I’m sure all of Red Sox nation would like to thank her for that,” she said and Adam nodded.

  “Some people come back into your life at the right time, I guess,” he said with a quiet laugh, looking at the camera for a moment before turning back to the reporter to wrap up the interview.

  “Thank you for talking with us today, Adam.”

  “No problem,” he answered and the segment faded as I felt my brother’s gaze on me. I turned my head to find Sawyer looking at me.

  “What else do you need from him, Care? He basically just told the whole damn world how he feels about you,” he said. I didn’t say anything though. I stood up and got my bag instead.

  “I’m going to head back now. I need to grab dinner,” I said, walking towards the door.

  “Sure, you do,” Sawyer said and before he could say anything else, I opened the door and walked out.

  I made my way quickly to the house, trying not to think about the interview, but I couldn’t get Adam’s face or voice out of my head. My parents’ heads turned when they heard me walk inside. My eyes immediately focused on the TV and was relieved to see the end of Jeopardy playing and not the game. My dad usually waited to change it to the baseball game until after final Jeopardy, which I was grateful for since that meant they hadn’t seen Adam’s interview.

  “How was class?” my mom asked as I shut the door.

  “It was fine,” I answered.

  “There’s some leftover spaghetti if you want some,” she told me.

  “I’m actually not very hungry right now. Maybe I’ll grab some later. Thanks though,” I said.

  “Wanna watch some TV with us?” my dad asked, but I shook my head.

  “I’m actually going to head upstairs and get some work done. I’ll try and catch Jeopardy wi
th you tomorrow,” I said, giving him a smile.

  “It’s a date,” he said, winking at me the way he used to when I was a little girl.

  “Promise,” I told him and walked upstairs to my room.

  I thought I’d done a good job pretending as if I was fine, just like I’d told my mom, but my heart was still pounding like it had been since I’d first seen Adam’s face on the TV screen. First Instagram and now TV. We hadn’t spoken since the day I left him, but we didn’t need to speak for me to hear him.

  I stretched out on my bed, fighting the urge to reach for my phone and communicate with him in some way, even if it was to simply hear him same my name again. I’d forgotten how much I liked hearing him say it until I’d heard him on the interview and I wanted to hear it again. Deep down, I knew there was so much I wanted from him again and before I knew what I was doing, I had the phone in my hand and was pulling up his name in my contacts.

  I found myself staring at his name for a few seconds and then I opened a text box to him. There was so much I could’ve said to him. So much I wanted to say to him because I knew I missed him. I knew I didn’t have to push him away, but I’d been afraid and that fear had left me with a feeling of regret that wouldn’t go away. I started typing, finally deciding on what to say.

  ME: IT WAS THE BEST SUMMER OF MY LIFE TOO.

  I stared at the message, just as I had that night I’d seen his posts on Instagram, but this time, as my finger hovered over the send button, I didn’t stop and delete it. I sent it and then I waited.

  My heart pounded as I waited. I didn’t even know if he’d answer. I’d hurt him, but I wanted him to know I still thought about him and that what we’d shared this summer had meant everything to me.

  As I held the phone on my chest, I knew I should just pick up the phone and call him. I was acting like a child. I wasn’t a child though. I was a woman and I shouldn’t be afraid to call him. I didn’t want anything from Adam. I didn’t deserve anything from Adam, not after the way I’d treated him, but the way we’d left things demeaned everything that had happened between us over the summer. He was my friend above all else, but I’d lost that. I’d lost him.