I jumped when the phone chimed. He’d written back. Slowly, I lifted the phone up, turning the screen to my face to see what he’d said.
ADAM: HOW ARE YOU?
I didn’t know what to say. The truth was that I missed him. The truth was that I loved him. The truth was that in another lifetime this wouldn’t have even happened. I wouldn’t have let my fear run my life and we’d still be together.
ME: DEALING. YOU?
I figured it was an honest enough answer and all I could bring myself to write.
I waited to see how he’d respond and I was starting to get nervous when after a few minutes, he hadn’t written back yet. I didn’t blame him.
Finally, the phone chimed and I glanced at it.
ADAM: CAN I CALL YOU?
I didn’t know what to tell him. I knew what I wanted to say, but I knew I shouldn’t say it. I wanted to hear his voice though and before I could stop myself I told him yes. It was only a few seconds after the text had been sent that the phone rang. I let it ring a few times and then took in a deep breath before answering it.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Hey.” His voice was quiet too and the silence settled in, fitting of the two strangers we’d become.
“I was surprised to hear from you, Caroline,” he finally said and I closed my eyes when I heard him say my name again. I’d missed it.
“I was surprised myself,” I answered and took another breath. “I saw the interview tonight and I…I just thought you had to know that…that even with how it turned out, I feel the same way.”
I could hear him take in a deep breath. I wished I could see his face. I wished I could reach out and take his hand, but I couldn’t. He was just a voice on a telephone.
“Why did it turn out this way?” he asked softly, his voice dipping and then fading.
“Adam…I…” I stuttered until he interrupted.
“Since the second you walked out that door, I’ve tried understanding why. Why did you leave? Why did you just give up on everything? On us? I’ve gone over and over it in my head, but I can’t figure it out and I just want to know why.”
I could feel a lump starting to burn in my throat and for what felt like the millionth time today, I was at a loss for what to say.
“Because I was afraid,” I finally answered, batting at a tear that had escaped.
“Afraid of what, Caroline?” he asked, his voice soft and gentle.
“I can’t explain it. It’s just there. The fear. It’s always there,” I answered. I heard him breathe again as it grew quiet once more. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, trying to push the feelings down and trying to keep my emotions under control.
“Is anything else still there?” he finally asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to understand what he was asking me and he paused for a moment before speaking again.
“Do you still love me, Caroline?” he finally said. His voice was nervous, but strong and his words caused me to sit up from where I’d been laying on the bed. I put my head in my hands as the phone was pressed to my ear, wondering what I should tell him. He had to have already known so I figured the truth was best.
“Of course, I do,” I whispered and I heard him sigh.
“Then why are we doing this to ourselves?” he asked and it was my turn to pause and think what answer I could give him that would make sense. None of this made sense.
“Because it’s too hard. I’m just trying to function since we broke up and seeing you on TV and those old pictures of us together…I…I can’t. I just can’t.”
“Then why did you text me, Caroline? What do you want from me?” he asked. I could hear the pain in his voice. The hurt. The betrayal. The loneliness. It killed me that I was the one causing him those feelings.
“Because I didn’t want the last time I spoke to you be the day I left,” I said softly. “I can’t leave it like that between us and I want to see if maybe…maybe we can still be friends…in some way,” I choked out.
The phone was silent for a long time. I knew he was still there though. I knew he’d heard me and now I sat waiting to see what he was going to say to me. As I listened to the quiet, my mind drifted to those memories growing up together and the memories we’d created once our friendship turned to something more. My heart was aching waiting for him to speak, afraid there would be no more memories for us to create together.
“Of course I’ll always be your friend, Caroline,” he finally said. “We’re too connected to not be.”
I swallowed hard through the lump in my throat. In a way, I’d hoped he’d tell me we couldn’t be friends. That I’d hurt him too much for that. That way I could force Adam DeLain out of my life, but he hadn’t said that and I knew no matter what, Adam would be always be a part of my life.
“I don’t want you to think I regret anything about this summer…about you…about us,” I said softly. “I was broken when you came back to Silver Falls, but you…you made me see that I’d be okay and I’ll never forget that, Adam. You’ve always been there for me. You’ve always looked out for me.” I closed my eyes, imagining him next to me, reaching for my hand, caressing my skin and making me feel better. The way he always did.
“I didn’t do enough though,” he said quietly and then hesitated for a moment. “Because you still don’t see what you’re capable of. I thought I’d shown you what I see in you. I thought you understood my feelings for you, Caroline. I’ve never let anyone in the way I let you into my life. I’ve never wanted to let anyone in…not until you. I love you, Caroline,” he sighed softly. “But I guess it’s not enough. Maybe it never was.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my heart still aching from his words.
He was right. He’d done nothing but show me unconditional love and I’d found every reason as to why things couldn’t work between us. The moment fear settled in, I pushed him away. I was too afraid of getting my heart broken again, the way I had with Caleb. The only difference was with Adam, I didn’t think I’d ever recover if he hurt me the way Caleb had hurt me. I couldn’t believe I was even comparing the two of them. They couldn’t be more different. Adam wouldn’t do the things Caleb had done. I stopped myself then and felt the wall building up again. I shouldn’t be so quick to exempt Adam. I’d never thought Caleb was capable of the things he’d done either.
“Let’s not apologize anymore. What’s done is done,” he said and I could hear the defeat in his voice. The situation was done. He knew it and I knew it.
“I wish I was stronger, Adam,” I said softly.
“You are strong, Caroline,” he interrupted. “You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. I just hope you see that someday.”
I felt my throat tighten as I tried to hold back the waterfall of tears I knew was waiting at the backs of my eyes. Even after what I’d done to him, he continued to be my cheerleader.
“I…I should get going. I’ve got a lot of homework to do,” I said, hoping he didn’t hear the crack in my voice. I couldn’t continue this conversation anymore.
“I should get going too,” he said and it grew quiet again for a few moments until I finally spoke.
“Goodbye, Adam.”
“Goodbye, Caroline,” he said and then the line was quiet.
I stared at the phone for a few moments before I set it down and I could no longer fight the tears. There was no pretending anymore. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t over Adam DeLain. I was still in love with him and I knew that would never change. He’d offered me everything, but I’d pushed him away. He’d laid it all out there for me and opened himself up to me in a way he’d never done with anyone else. He’d loved me unconditionally, but apparently, that wasn’t enough. My fear was too strong and I hated myself for that.
I found my mind drifting to the picture when were kids he’d decided to share with the world, the one with his arm around me and giving me bunny ears. He’d loved me even then and he still loved me today. How could I possibly need anything mo
re?
Forty-Two
They say time heals all wounds and for some, it might, but for others, like myself, I think it’s just an anesthetic. It numbs the pain a little, but it never goes away. It’s always there, ready to strike, to remind you of what you no longer have and make you think about all the things you could’ve done differently. I knew there were so many things I could’ve changed, so many things I could’ve done, but I hadn’t. I’d made my choice and I had to move on. I did that by throwing myself into work and school. It was the only way I could keep my mind from drifting to thoughts of Adam. When he would creep in, I continued to tell myself it was just the way things had to be. I told myself it was the truth. I had my life in Vermont and he was in Boston. I told myself we were where we each needed to be and I also told myself someday the pain would stop.
As I glanced up at the clock in one of my programming classes, I was grateful to see it was nearly four o’clock. Class was almost over and I’d be on my way home soon with the whole weekend ahead of me. It’d been a long day and I hadn’t been able to focus, especially when one of my classmates walked in wearing a Red Sox shirt. It wasn’t uncommon to see Red Sox shirts on campus. I saw them every day. The difference this time was, this guy sat in front of me and I was forced to stare at the big block letters that spelled out DELAIN on the back. I’d tried not to pay attention to it. I made myself look at the professor, but that didn’t help either since he began discussing internship possibilities in Boston, which inevitably caused me to think of Adam. Because of these unwelcome reminders, I was having one of those days that reinforced how much I missed him.
My professor wrapped up his lecture and I started gathering my things, anxious to get home, when Josie, the girl who sat next to me, started talking. We weren’t friends other than in class, but we chatted sometimes. I didn’t feel much like chatting today, but I didn’t have a choice once she started.
“So, what do you think about the internships in Boston Dr. Keller was talking about?” she asked as we started walking towards the door. It felt like school had just started up, but talks of internships seemed to have consumed my classes. Most of the people in my program had already started looking into their internships next semester. It’d been on my mind too and when Dr. Keller had brought up the possibility of Boston, I couldn’t deny the initial excitement I felt at being in the same city as Adam. That excitement was immediately doused when concern also crept in. I wasn’t with Adam anymore and like I’d repeatedly told myself, I wasn’t interested in living in a city like Boston.
“I haven’t given it much thought actually. I think I might try some place a little smaller,” I told her. “What about you?”
“I’m thinking of putting in for it,” Josie said, smiling. “I think it could be fun. Boston’s a great city and it’s an amazing opportunity. You should totally think about it.”
“Maybe I will,” I said, hoping that would be enough to end the conversation as I opened the door and we stepped outside into the warm air. It was only the middle of September and I knew it would be a few weeks before the warmth of summer started to go away entirely.
“Sounds good,” Josie said, giving me a quick wave. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Have a good weekend,” I said to her and then she smiled and turned the opposite direction as me.
I walked briskly so that the flowing material of my blue cotton dress sashayed quickly over my legs. I tucked my books tightly to my chest and pushed a piece of my loose hair behind my ear as I continued towards the parking lot.
I was ready for the day to be over. I didn’t have anything planned, which I recognized as being totally lame for a college senior. Erica had texted me earlier asking me if I was interested in going to a party with her. I knew she was anxious for me to start meeting new guys, but I wasn’t ready for that. I’d texted her back and told her I’d think about going to the party, but she knew as well as I did that that meant no. I’d probably just do some studying and if I finished early enough, I’d watch some TV or finish the book I was currently engulfed in each night before bed. Regardless of what I did, I was ready to go home. I suddenly stopped though when I heard my name.
“Caroline.”
My heart started to pound in my chest from the sound of my name being spoken from a voice I hadn’t heard in so long. It was a voice I had missed. It couldn’t be him though. It had to be my imagination playing tricks on me because I was here, but he wasn’t. He was in Boston living his life and I was in Vermont trying to live mine. It couldn’t be him.
“Caroline.” I heard the voice again and I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before turning around, almost afraid of what I would find.
Slowly, my eyes opened and I realized it wasn’t my imagination. It had been his voice and now he stood before me only a few feet away. His tall frame stood out amongst the student body surrounding us, but I knew he didn’t care who saw him. If he did, he wouldn’t have come here and he wouldn’t be standing out in the open where anyone could see him.
My eyes ran quickly over his body. He looked exactly like the Adam from the summer. The Adam I’d fallen in love with, in his old jeans and a gray t-shirt. His dark hair was tousled the way I liked and in his hands he held the old UVM hat he’d worn so many times while working out in the barn. He was curling it nervously as our eyes met.
“Adam,” I finally said. “What…what’re you doing here?”
He took a timid step towards me, closing the gap between us a little more.
“I was hoping we could talk,” he said, his voice heavy with nerves.
“How…how’d you even know I’d be here?” I asked.
“Sawyer. He told me what time your class ended. I took a shot and hoped I’d find you.”
“But why? Why are you here?” I asked bluntly, even though I could feel my voice shaking as he took in a deep breath, rolled his hat and tucked it into his back pocket.
“I’m here for you…for us,” he said softly and then he was quiet. I didn’t know what to say. My voice was caught in my throat and I couldn’t speak. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to be standing only feet away from me causing my mind to turn into all kinds of mixed up emotions. We hadn’t spoken in weeks, not since the night he’d called me. It’d taken me days to get over that, but now, here he stood and he’d come here for us.
“Adam,” I whispered. “I…I don’t understand.”
He took another step towards me. He was nervous. I could tell by the slow, subtle movements of his body.
“I heard what you said to me and I understand why you left, but I can’t accept it, Caroline, and something tells me you can’t either, so I’m here to fight for you.”
My heart was pounding having him this close. All of our moments together came flooding back, feelings stirring inside of that only he could conjure. Feelings that I’d nearly forgotten. Feelings that made me feel like a woman in the way only he could. Feelings I’d missed. I remained silent though, unable to speak still. “Every day since you left, I told myself it was what you wanted and I should just leave you alone, but I can’t leave you alone, not without trying one more time to show you what you mean to me. I know I shouldn’t be here. I should just leave you alone and I told myself not to come here, but I had to. I had to try one more time.” He took a deep breath, staring down at the ground for a second before his eyes slowly traveled back up to mine as I continued to breathe in and out nervously. “I know this can work between us. It might not be easy, but it can work. I love you, Caroline. I spent a lifetime realizing that and I’m not about to give up on us. I can’t just let you go, not without trying one more time to show you how much I love you.”
He took another step closer, nearly closing the space between us. My heart beat even harder now. No one had ever made me feel like Adam and I’d almost forgotten that until I had him this close to me again. I couldn’t look away from his eyes and I couldn’t speak as I felt him take my hand. It was warm and soft and I�
�d missed the feeling of it in mine.
“Adam,” I said softly. “I…I don’t know what to say.”
It grew quiet again as we looked into each other’s eyes. They were so familiar. They always had been. In his eyes, I was taken back to my past when we were kids and I’d follow my brother and him around, wanting to be just like them. We were so innocent, but even then, I knew he’d loved me, just as he loved me now. As I stared into his eyes, I knew it wasn’t about the past though. That’s not all I saw. I saw the future too.
“I’m asking you to give us a chance. I know what you have to sacrifice to be with me and I wish you didn’t have to, but I’m asking you to try. No matter what anyone says,” Adam said softly, brushing the fingertips of his free hand over my cheek, “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, even if people try and tell you otherwise. They might try and tear you down, but I will spend a lifetime building you up.”
“Adam,” I whispered, but I couldn’t say anything else as his words resonated in my ears. I didn’t feel worthy of the utter love and devotion this man was showing for me after the way I’d broken his heart.
“When I came back to Silver Falls, I didn’t know why I was there. I didn’t know why I’d come home. I just needed to get away from Boston and baseball and the chaos that is my life and something told me I needed to go home. But now I know that reason was so that I could find you again. After my arm went out, I wanted to give it all up. I was done, but then…” he said, pausing as a slow smile curled up on his lips. “But then you came back into my life and that all changed. I wasn’t expecting to fall in love with you, but I did and you saved me, Caroline, from so much more than you even know. I miss you, and I know you miss me.”
I took a deep breath, swallowing through the lump in my throat. This was too much. Him being here was too much and I couldn’t do it. It’d been hard enough to let him go the first time. I couldn’t go through it again.
Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1) Page 36
