He stayed at a distance and watched her. What was she thinking? He didn't get the way her mind worked. He wondered if he ever would.
'Of course you have. We talk about Tammy.' He ticked them off on his fingers. 'And Montana and Andy, and Ned and Louisa, and a lot about the unit. I want to talk about us.'
At that she glanced up and he felt his heart quicken as he waited for her response.
'Are you sure there is an "us", Ben?' she said. That wasn't quite what he'd hoped for.
'You need to spend time with your daughter,' she went on. 'Tammy needs you to focus on her.'
'I will. I intend to. But that doesn't mean I can't spend time with you, too.'
The reality was today he'd seen that maybe together he and Misty could do more for Tammy than he could by himself.
'I think together we could achieve great things. I couldn't have been wrong about the connection between us. I'd like to explore that further, or at least talk about it.'
She didn't look impressed with his tentative question but the words weren't coming easily. He didn't know for sure what he wanted. All he knew was that he wanted to spend a lot of his time near this woman.
'Explain what that means. What are you trying to say, Ben?'
He didn't know. It was hard to look into her cool green eyes as she dared him to be definite. The failures of the past rose up and haunted him.
Bridget, so unhappy she'd killed herself.
His patient that he'd failed so badly that she'd died.
His screwed-up daughter. He looked away. 'I don't know what I'm offering. More than just friends.'
He shrugged. 'Not marriage.' He bit his lip at the unexpected statement that had risen with such force. Well, at least she'd be able to tell he felt strongly about that.
She looked away so he couldn't read her expression and his flat declaration fell on the floor between them and lay there like spilt blood. He'd wounded her.
He hoped she'd understand and he tried to explain but maybe he was making it worse. 'I'm not up for the wedding or happy family yet but to do everything else with you would be great.
'I've done marriage and it was a disaster. I don't think I'm husband material.'
She raised her chin. 'That's your baggage, Ben. Not mine. And it shouldn't have any bearing on anything between us.' She paused and looked back at him briefly. 'But I appreciate your honesty.'
Misty felt like clutching her heart because he'd just dashed any hope she'd had of this going any further. What had he expected her to say? She'd take what she could get?
Well, she wouldn't, because in the long run, if he carried too much emotional baggage to start fresh and positive with her and any children they might have together in the future, maybe being together wasn't the answer.
Misty glanced at her watch. Another five minutes before she could go into the bathroom. 'I can't talk about this now, Ben.'
But she could think about it. Add Tammy, who needed her father now more than ever, and there wouldn't be room for her in an equal relationship.
That wasn't too selfish, was it?
She'd waited all her life to feel the connection she felt with Ben and now she wasn't happy because she didn't have his undivided attention.
It was all so confusing and she wanted to be self-centred and hold out for the perfect relationship.
She knew people learnt to adapt to blended families, risked the difficulties for the joys of being with the person who made them feel whole, like Ben did to her, but was she one of those people?
These were questions she needed to answer for herself before she could talk to Ben about them. It was all too hard now.
What was he thinking to broach this subject now? The man's timing was way off!
Twelve minutes was close enough. She put the chart down and crossed the room to knock on the bathroom door.
'Good timing,' Andy said when she came in, because he'd just helped Montana into the bath. Montana paused so that Misty could listen to baby before she submerged her tummy.
After that, Andy climbed into the bath as well.
Misty glanced at Ben and his eyebrows had nearly disappeared into his hairline at husband and wife in the tub. He'd get used to it.
Montana rested her forearms on the edge of the tub while Andy rubbed her back. 'That is so wonderful,' she said.
She looked up at Misty. 'Pressure. It's getting close.'
Misty sat on the foam wedges they kept beside the bath and waited.
Ben couldn't believe how serene both women were. The only tension in the room came from him, and he tried to disappear into the walls and not invade their space.
Even Andy seemed focussed on his job of circular rubbing as his wife began to exhale slowly.
'OK. The head's coming through now,' Misty whispered, and Ben blinked in disbelief. There was no other sound from Montana or Misty and nobody made a move to deliver the baby.
He glanced at Andy, who had sat back and was watching as finally his wife put her arms down under the water to push the baby into her own hands.
Then it was over. They all stared at the baby with his wide blue eyes open under the water, and then Montana rotated his face down and lifted her son slowly to the surface.
When his face broke the surface he gasped and mewled and Montana floated him backward and forward so that Andy could see his legs and arms floating. Then she rested his downy cheek against her skin as she slid him along her body and up towards her breasts, where she nestled him and Andy wrapped his arms around them both.
Tears streamed down Andy's face and Ben admitted to some constriction in his own throat.
'We have our son. Jarrad,' Andy said gruffly, and Ben slipped from the room. They certainly didn't need him in there and he'd witnessed something he would never have believed he would be touched by.
But it was Misty's face that haunted him. She'd gazed with such raw sadness that his breath had jammed in his throat and he'd felt again the racking pain of his lungs on fire.
When she came out of the bathroom a few minutes later he was waiting. He held open his arms and to his huge relief she stepped into them.
Ben closed his eyes and rested his chin on her hair. Her scent shimmered around him and her body pressed firmly against his as he breathed. How could this not be right? He wanted this moment to last—just holding Misty.
This was why he'd come. He didn't know how much of himself he had to offer to her or if it was enough, but he knew his life could be vastly different with Misty in it and he wanted that. It would be more empty than ever without her there.
He'd rushed her and he vowed he wouldn't do that again. He would go slowly but he would win her and they would work something out. He had to believe that.
Misty sniffed and drew away. 'I'm so glad you were here to share Jarrad's birth. I'm an aunty. He's gorgeous.' She lifted her tear-stained face to his and he dropped a brief kiss on her lips because he couldn't not.
Misty stepped back and her next words returned him to earth with a bump. 'How do you think you'll be when it's Tammy's time?'
Oh, hell. He didn't even want to think about it, but he would have read everything he could get his hands on by then that might help. 'I guess I'll just have to have faith.'
Misty smiled at him through the tears still in her eyes. 'There's hope for you yet.'
'I'm glad to hear that.' And they both knew what he was saying.
* * *
An hour later Montana had settled into the ward bed for a rest and the phone rang at the desk.
'Is Ben there?' Louisa's voice on the phone held a thread of panic that Misty had never heard before.
'What's wrong, Louisa?'
'Tammy's gone.'
Misty glanced at the clock. It would be dark in an hour. 'Gone? Where?'
Misty's mind raced as she waited for Louisa's response. 'How do you know?' Where could she go on foot?
Louisa had more bad news. 'All her things are gone and I checked with the taxi service. They dropped
her at the bus station after lunch. I rang there and they said Brisbane. She could be anywhere.'
Misty closed her eyes. Had she driven Tammy away? Had that touch of Ben's hand that Tammy had seen this morning been enough for her to feel she had betrayed her in some way?
Misty felt the crush of guilt and fear heavy in her chest. 'You did well to find out that much, Louisa. Ben's gone on a house call and won't be back for another hour.'
Ben would want answers. 'I'll leave a message when he comes back into range. Sara can come and finish my shift. I'll be home soon.'
* * *
When Misty arrived back at the residence Louisa held out the note. 'I just found this.'
The writing was messy, like Tammy's room, and brought home to Misty how young Ben's daughter really was. 'Tell Dad not to look for me,' the note said.
Ned and Louisa both looked grave. 'The wee one would'na talk to me at dinner.' Ned's accent had broadened with his concern and Misty hugged them both for their genuine distress about the young woman they had taken under their wing.
Misty sighed. 'Well, she talked to me this morning and I hope it wasn't anything I said. Ben will be here soon and he'll know where to look.'
She glanced at Louisa, who wrung her hands and looked tragically expectant, as if Misty could reassure her that Tammy would be fine. Ned looked miserable at Louisa's distress and Misty hugged them both again.
'We'll find her.' She looked at Louisa. 'Do you think you could make us a little hamper of food and a Thermos of coffee to take, please, Louisa?' Louisa needed distraction.
'And, Ned, can I borrow those maps of Queensland you were talking about the other night, please?'
The older couple nodded, relieved to have something to do, as Misty had intended, and she watched them go. How would Ben see this? He'd blame himself and fear the worst. She wished she knew what to do for the best.
For a brief second her sight shimmered and she saw Tammy's face surrounded by tears and shells, the shells of Ben's beach house.
Had Tammy gone to her father's house?
She'd never discussed her premonitions with Ben. How did she tell him that she'd had a vision when that was the last thing he would believe?
Louisa turned back as she reached the door. 'So you'll go with him?' she said.
Misty nodded. She didn't know how Ben would take it but she would. 'I'll ring Andy to cover while we're away and wait for Ben. Maybe you could mind Dawn if he gets called out?'
'Of course.' Louisa brightened considerably at the thought.
After the call, Misty tossed a few things into a small dufflebag and set it by the front door next to the little picnic hamper Louisa had brought.
Ben's face was white when he arrived and Misty silently handed him the note.
'I missed it again,' he said. 'I can't believe it. How could I do that?' He stared at the paper in his hand and Misty watched whatever had happened in the past rise and horrify him again.
'At least she called me Dad,' Ben said, but his voice was grim. 'I'll make a few calls before I go. What about the hospital?'
'Andy will cover.' She caught his arm as he turned away. 'I'd like to come with you, Ben.'
This was a different man from the one at the beach or even on the ward. This was a cold, hard stranger who held her firmly out of his affairs. 'I don't think that would help Tammy.'
'For you, Ben.' Just today he'd said he wanted a future and they had to share the bad with the good, and this was a place to start. He had to let her share his worry. If there was any hope of them making it together, he needed to learn that he didn't have to be alone.
He wouldn't meet her eyes. 'Thank you, but I don't think so. I've made this mess, I've let down my daughter and all I can do is pray she hasn't done anything irrevocable.'
Haunted eyes met Misty's as she touched his hand. There was more here than she could guess if only he would let her in. All she knew was that she needed to be there for him, despite his efforts to shut her out.
Ben shook her off and turned away. 'You were the one who said I needed to spend more time with her. It looks like you were right. It's my fault she's gone and I need to find her. Perhaps not legally, but in here.' He thumped his chest. 'I'm her father.'
Misty watched him suffer and knew she couldn't let him go alone. She loved him. She admitted it now because all the pussyfooting around wasn't going to help Ben when he needed it most. She'd go if she had to tie herself to the front seat of his car, and if afterwards they went their separate ways then so be it. He needed her now.
'Today you said we should think about the future. Tammy will always be a part of your life. You are going to have to practise letting people into your life, Ben. You could start now with me.'
Ben sighed and he looked through Misty into the darkest part of his soul. 'What if I can't find her?'
'Then I'll be with you then, too.' Misty hesitated and then cast consequences to the wind. 'Sometimes I can find people when others can't. You have to trust me not to make matters worse, Ben.'
Ben frowned, unsure of what she meant, looked at her again as if he almost understood, then shrugged as if he didn't have the time to work it out. 'I'll pack and I'm leaving in five minutes.'
This was a new Ben she hadn't seen. Decisive, focussed as he should be when his daughter was missing, but coldly and clinically excluding her from his plans. She'd been afraid this could the reality of a relationship with Ben when things went wrong.
Misty sighed and straightened her shoulders. Now wasn't the time to bow out gracefully. She said goodbye to Louisa and Ned and carried her bags to Ben's car.
CHAPTER TEN
FIVE minutes later to the second Ben opened the driver's-side door and saw Misty waiting in the passenger seat.
He laughed once in that horrible mirthless humour she remembered from the beach. 'Determined little thing, aren't you?'
Misty refused to fight with him. 'Tammy is family. Did you find anything out from the phone calls?'
Ben started the car and revved it as if to release his frustration before he sighed and let the engine idle. 'Her grandmother says she hasn't seen her—who knows if that's true? But the housekeeper at the house will ring me if she turns up there. Tammy's switched her own mobile off but at least it's with her if she needs me.'
Thankfully the car took off smoothly as Ben regained his composure and Misty relaxed into the seat. 'So where are you going now?'
'Her mother's house.' His face looked grave. 'There's no one there but she knows where the key is.'
Misty couldn't rid her mind of the shells. 'I think you should go to the beach house.'
Ben frowned and turned to look at her. Unconsciously he slowed the car. 'Why? Did she say something?'
His voice hardened. 'When were you going to tell me?'
Misty's voice softened in comparison. 'If she'd said anything, I would have told you. But I think that's where she is.'
'There's a three-hour difference in direction.' Ben sighed and shook his head. 'If you know something I don't, explain.'
This was it. At least she wouldn't have to pretend it didn't exist. She'd never told anyone except two women friends and Andy. 'I have premonitions, Ben. Visions. That's how I found you the day you nearly drowned. I didn't see you fall into the water—I was looking for you.'
He glanced at her and his face closed. She'd known it would but she had to go on.
'I can see Tammy's face surrounded by shells. The ones in your bathroom at the beach house.'
There. She'd said it. He could make of it what he would. She couldn't help him any more.
Ben swore and Misty looked away from him out the window. Then he said, 'Great, another one,' obscurely and glanced at his watch. She knew he was thinking about how much time would be wasted if he turned around and dropped her back at the residence.
Ben didn't say anything more and Misty leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She felt sick! The things you did for love.
It was a four-hour drive
to the coast and Misty left Ben to concentrate on the road as the shadows lengthened towards evening.
Once a bush wallaby skittered in front of the car and Ben swerved suddenly, which threw Misty forward against her seat belt. His hand came up as if to protect her and connected with Misty's hand doing the same thing. Their glances met.
He sighed and she glimpsed the Ben she knew from a less stressful time. 'I'm sorry, Misty. I know it's not your fault and you're trying to help. We'll talk about the other thing later,' he said softly.
Comforted by his more even tone, the knot of tension in Misty's neck eased. 'Actually, we've a way to drive and, if you can, now could be a good time to talk. There're things I want to know about you, too, Ben.'
He stared straight ahead at the road in front. 'Like what?' But he didn't say no and her shoulders relaxed further in relief.
'Like why you brought Tammy to Lyrebird Lake.'
'Tammy at the lake has been a huge bonus. Despite all her talk of me not being her father, we have grown up with that relationship solid between us and that's come back a little in the short while we've been here. Despite Bridget's mother.'
Misty needed to clarify matters. 'Tammy's grandmother—the one she lived with?'
'Yes. That woman was one of the reasons her daughter was so screwed up. Bridget may have misled me into marriage but Tammy was the reason I stayed. I pray she's safe!'
She didn't understand and maybe they needed to go back further. 'So tell me about your marriage to Bridget.'
He sighed. 'There's nothing to tell. We grew up together, our fathers both ran their own companies and our mothers shared charities and boredom.'
He closed his eyes briefly. 'Bridget and I had been thrown together for years but we never planned to have a relationship.' He paused and glanced at Misty. 'She could hear voices.'
Misty drew in her breath.
Ben smiled crookedly and turned back to watch the road. 'Yeah. I should have realised then she was a disaster.'
Misty felt the world tilt as his words hit home. No wonder he'd said 'Great, another one,' when she'd said she knew where Tammy was. How ironic that her gift had brought Ben to her and now it was pushing him away.
The Midwife's New-Found... Page 10
