by Kim Turrisi
“You’re onto something with the ketchup,” Jack coughs up, bringing a grin to my face. I knew it. Ketchup makes everything better.
Marco gives us the lowdown. “We’re going to explore the other side of the lake. Graham, you’re with Kai. Jack, you and Cass will be together. Ben, buddy, it’s you and me.”
We amble toward one another, pairing up per our instructions, dragging kayaks through the pine needles and over the rocks, ultimately landing them in the water. I give Cass a thumbs-up when no one is looking. In one swift move, Jack removes his tank with a swooping motion. By the OMG look beaming across Cass’s face, I’m guessing that caused a mini-earthquake in her stomach. I’m not gonna lie, I get it. His washboard abs are not hard to look at.
Even at grief camp.
Sweating quickly becomes a problem of the past as I move waist-deep into the water across from Graham, who’s guiding our vessel. The chilly water’s giving me goose bumps. Unless it’s something else.
Graham steadies the kayak. “Hop in, I’ll hold it still, I got you,” he reassures me, grinning as the sun hits him just so. The crooked tooth sure adds some character to his face. I find myself returning the smile before I realize what I’ve done.
Hoping I don’t tip the kayak, I propel myself out of the water and onto the top of it, landing safe and sound on my first attempt.
“Move up to the front, you’re smaller than me,” he suggests. I hear a splash next to us. Jack and Cass dumped their kayak over, sending them both tumbling into the lake, and ripples of water are coming our way. They resurface consumed by laughter and lightness. This could be good.
Graham masters the vault into the kayak and scoots up behind me, placing each of his legs next to each of mine, straddling me. The coarse dark hair on his legs rubs against my thighs as he shifts into place.
These goose bumps are definitely not from the chilly lake water. Last time I felt these was sophomore year. “Right side first. You okay?” he asks, handing me a paddle.
“Yeah. I’m good.” Back to lying. I’m not sure what I am.
“You know you light up when you talk about your sister? Something in your eyes, even when you’re talking about the hard stuff. I wish I could have met her,” he says with his first smooth stroke through the still water. I do the same in unison. Instinctively, I turn my head halfway to answer him.
“She was pretty amazing. That’s the hardest part. It came out of nowhere. One minute she was there, the next gone. Forever. I know you get it.”
“I’ll never forget my mom’s scream when we got the phone call. I knew something horrible had happened. I felt it right before the call. I don’t know how to explain it. They say it’s a twin thing.”
“I’ve heard that.”
“It’s totally true.”
Out on the water, away from everyone, Graham is so much more at ease, his shoulders relaxed. Jen used to say water calms everyone down. “It feels good to be out here, like it’s any old afternoon,” he notes, laughing.
“Yeah, that. I have to admit, it makes me miss the beach. And my friends. Beach parties are a big part of my summer. I’m not really a camp girl.”
“There’s a sandpit near the rec room. We could hang out there sometime. That would be kinda like the beach,” he tries.
“It’s a stretch but I’m game.” Liking the new light Kai.
Gliding through the water, not a care in the world. I’ll take it even if it’s just for a few minutes. Graham leans up, almost touching his chin to my shoulder.
“How mad were your parents about your hair?” He stifles a laugh.
I think about my dad freaking out.
“My parents can be a little uptight, so having a daughter shear her hair in a pill-popping rage did not sit well,” I admit.
“My parents aren’t uptight and they would flip out if I just chopped my hair off. Justin wanted to shave his head for lacrosse and my mom lost her shit.”
We keep our strokes cutting through the water in perfect sync. Maybe it’s easier to talk freely because we share something so huge. Whatever it is, the gnawing in my stomach is slowly dissipating.
“You said you had a golden retriever. It’s my favorite breed. We had one growing up. Rocco. Had him since we were two. We lost him last year. He was a great dog.”
“I’m so sorry. Duke was Jen’s dog but now he’s mine. I miss him so much.” I can’t even go there. “So ... did Rocco hog the bed? Duke is a total bed hog.” If Jen could hear this conversation, she would be so teasing me about using her dog to flirt with a guy.
Yes, I am flirting at grief camp.
“Totally!”
“Think you’ll get another dog?” I ask.
He slows the kayak down using the paddle.
“We were going to rescue one after the season ended. But now I don’t even want to get a dog. It’s like I don’t know how to be without Justin. We shared a room, friends and sports. Now it’s just me. Alone.” A twinge of sadness creeps into his cracking voice. He clears his throat.
Just me echoes in my head.
Alone is brutal.
Alone is lonely.
Alone is final.
“At least it wasn’t his choice. That’s the absolute worst part for me.”
The paddling stops momentarily.
Graham is quiet until he’s not. “The worst for me is when I’m on the lacrosse field. Justin and I have been teammates since we started playing T-ball. When we had to choose a sport, it was hands-down lacrosse. He really lit up on the field. He loved the game. He owned it. Everything about it reminds me of Justin now. You know?”
We maneuver the kayak through the calm waters to catch up to the others. It’s so serene. Death nowhere in sight, just life.
I take a moment to answer him. “I do. I was with my mom at the grocery store a few days after Jen died. She stopped to pick up something to grill for dinner. Chicken, I think. Maybe steak. Doesn’t really matter. All I wanted were some Sour Patch Kids and Red Vines. Turns out that the candy shares an aisle with greeting cards. I rounded the corner and ran right into a slew of ‘Happy Birthday, Sister’ cards. I burst into hysterics right there in the middle of aisle eight. My mom had to practically carry me out of the store. I was mortified. But you never know when you’ll be ... reminded.”
“Yeah.” He doesn’t need to say anything else. He knows.
Marco points his paddle to a secluded area where a bank sticks out into the lake.
“How about we head over there and take a break?”
My arms are like noodles. I’m not used to such a strenuous arm workout. Any workout, in fact. But Graham certainly is. Sneaking a look back I see that every muscle in his arm moves to the beat of each stroke with no sign of letting up or wanting to. I get back to our conversation. “Clearly Marco’s ploy worked. I haven’t talked about my sister to anyone like this. It’s actually pretty easy,” I say.
“He knows what he’s doing. I feel bad for being such an asshole to him when I got here.”
“Thinking you weren’t the first.”
“I gotta find a way to fix that,” he says.
“You will.”
We sit there like that for a minute, just floating, until suddenly Graham starts to rock our kayak and capsizes it, tossing both of us into the water. I screech just a little bit right before I go under. When I surface, I splash water in his face. We start a mini water war, seeing who can get who to back down first. I’m not giving up.
When I don’t relent, he swims up behind me and dunks me under with both hands.
“First round goes to me,” he shouts, throwing his arms up in the air, the victor.
I laugh it off, relaxing my body, treading water.
Cass cackles as she jumps out of her kayak and swims toward us, leaving Jack solo, laughing his ass off. I swim next to his kayak.
“You think it’s funny?” I taunt him. And in one swift motion, I grab the hull and flip him over, too.
“Yes!” I scream, bopping up and down in the lake. Jack dives under, heading toward Marco and Ben.
“Jump, Ben!” Knowing they’re next in line for dunking, they join us before being forced into the water. We all take it easy on Ben; he seems a tad more frail than the rest of us. Almost his entire family gone in an instant. And his brother … jeez.
Goofing around in the water like teenagers without a care in the world as the sun ducks behind the massive trees is better than any pill. I haven’t felt like this since ... I can’t even remember.
“It’s after three, we better head back,” Marco says.
Two hours. Not a single tear. But when I remember that, I remember Jen. And just like that, I’m swallowed by sadness again. My spirits drop like a bomb. I wipe the smile from my face and haul myself back into the kayak for the paddle back to camp.
If Graham notices my about-face, he keeps it to himself.
* * *
Freshly showered after our afternoon outing, Cass straightens up her bed, tucking her bottom sheet under the box spring, totally reminding me of my mom. I notice her grab something from under her pillow and hold it to her nose.
“It was my grandmother’s sachet.” She mists up. “Rose petals and rosemary. She made them for everyone in her Bunco group. I found it in her housecoat when I was boxing up her things. I wanted to take a piece of her with me.”
She slips it back under her pillow.
“I’m going to the rec hall to hang out, maybe watch a movie or something. You want to come?” Cass asks.
“No thanks, I’m gonna call my parents then lose myself in a book. I’m not up for being around a crowd.”
“Got it. Right now, I just need noise to fill my brain, so it works out for both of us.”
Secretly, I’m thrilled for some time alone. My personal space, my sister, all of it.
I shoot a text to Emily and TJ.
Hey, I’m still alive. It’s not awful. Miss you guys. Xo K
I tap my Facetime and call my mom.
Her face pops onto my phone. She’s at the kitchen counter. “Hi, sweetie.”
“Hey, Mom.” I greet her louder than I wanted to. I’m really glad to see her face and her earrings. I hear Duke barking in the background.
“Hi, buddy!” I yell.
Mom waves the phone in front of his golden snout.
“Are you being a good boy, Dukey?”
More barking. I think he is.
“I miss you, bud.” I manage to get that in just before Mom hijacks the screen.
“Great to see you, Kai. How are you, honey?”
“Hanging in there. Group therapy fills me with anxiety but I really am trying. Harder than I’ve ever tried to do anything in my life. A lot of the stuff we talk about is so personal. I just relive Jen’s death over and over but it seems to make sense. As much sense as this can possibly make. You know what I mean? How are you guys?”
“We went to our first therapy session.” She tugs on her earring. Just picturing my mom and dad sitting together with a therapist makes me squirm.
“How was that?”
“Not so great. They say the first time is the hardest.”
The corners of her eyes begin to leak. “I’ve picked up the phone about a dozen times to call her.”
“I’ve actually called her cell phone just to hear her greeting,” I confess.
“Doesn’t that make closure that much more impossible?” she asks.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever get closure.” Probably not what she wants to hear from grief camp, but whatever.
“Your dad and I are going to South Seas for a long weekend,” she tells me.
Are you effing kidding me, a vacation? I almost scream. But I control myself.
“I think that’s amazing, Mom. Good for you guys.” I try to sound neutral. Not judgey.
“I’m so proud of you for sticking with camp, Kai.”
That brings all the happy. “Thanks. I better get going; I have homework, if you can believe it. We have to write about our feelings every day. It’s not so easy but it’s part of it.”
“Maybe I should do that.”
That admission surprises me.
“You should!” Then I don’t know how to go on. “I just wanted to check in and let you guys know I was thinking about you.”
“We’ve been hoping to hear from you. We don’t want to push you. We love you, Kai, don’t ever forget that.”
“You, too.”
I hang up and find two texts waiting for me.
Saw your parents yesterday, we went over for dinner. Duke misses you. LOL. So do I. xo Em
Miss you madly. Going to Em’s to watch a Teen Mom marathon. xo TJ
Turning my iPad on, I go right to my iTunes library and highlight a playlist Jen put together for me a few months ago. All obscure bands she discovered while traveling. I chill to the beat, thinking about all that my sister gave me in such a short time. I remember one day at the beach, when we were listening to a haunting My Morning Jacket song — “Wonderful,” I think — she grabbed my hand and got all serious, and was like, “Music is the gateway to your soul.” I had no idea what the hell she was talking about at the time. I do now. Grabbing a throw pillow, I plop down with my journal.
Today felt almost like a typical day until I remembered Jen is still dead and always will be. I talked about it a little bit with Graham. Out of the comfort zone for me but he made it easy. Mostly. This place isn’t as bad as I anticipated. In a peculiar way it’s almost nice to be surrounded by people in the same place that I am (emotionally). Emily and TJ are there for me but have no idea what it’s like to have their world shatter, and everyone here does. Strength in numbers.
I trade my journal in for Franny and Zooey. When I pick the book up, a strip of four pictures falls out on my lap. I’d tucked it there before I left and forgot all about it. In my hand, I hold us. Four pictures of me and my sister in the photo booth at an engagement party for one of Dad’s partners’ sons just a few short weeks before her death. I scrutinize each pixel, hunting for any detail I might have missed.
Nothing.
Her putting bunny ears behind my head in one. Both of us giving peace signs in another. Blown-out cheeks and crossed eyes in a third. Lastly, me cracking up while she tickled me. Her eyes twinkling in every single shot.
Absolutely no indication that soon she would choose to be gone for good.
I wish I could talk to her. Maybe she could slip me a clue, tell me it will all be okay.
On the verge of breaking down, I reach for my cell phone and dial the only number I have ever committed to memory. I listen, staring at the carefree face in the pictures in front of me with no answers.
My sister’s cheery voice greets me: “It’s Jen. You know what to do.” I listen to it another six times. The answer is still the same.
No, I don’t.
Chapter 17
After a harrowing morning exercise of sharing, sharing and more sharing, we retreat. My group and I choose to hang in the way-back corner of the dining hall long after the others have gone. Together saying nothing. There’s peacefulness in the quiet.
I’m trying to let go of the special-treat fail at lunch. They made a huge deal about giving us french fries, but they were so soggy they bent in half when you dipped them in ketchup. That should be against the law.
I miss TJ and Emily but these four are really growing on me. Cass takes a bag of chips from her backpack and slides it across the table to me.
A bag of chips.
“I know the french fries were a bust,” she says. So thoughtful.
Jack sees. “They really were. How about sharing?”
I tear open the bag and offer i
t to my group. I like the way that sounds. I like the way this feels.
“I’m going up to the rec hall to Skype with my sister,” Cass drops casually as she pushes her chair back to stand.
My neck snaps in her direction and I fight the urge to say, Are you fucking kidding me? She couldn’t keep that to herself?
It’s like rubbing salt into an open wound. I fight to swallow the bitterness and heavy heart that one word brings.
“Jesus Christ” just tumbles out of my mouth, resentment filling me.
All eyes shift to Cass, who can’t help but feel the sting.
“Oh, Kai. I’m so sorry,” she swiftly apologizes.
She starts to reach for me but wisely rethinks that. Instead, she picks up her plate to leave. She can’t get outta my face soon enough for my liking.
“I wasn’t thinking.”
I don’t want to be an asshole about one word but it’s just so loaded. “Obviously.”
As soon as Cass dashes away, Graham is the first to try to deal with it. “That so sucked. I’m sorry, Kai. You were totally cool about it. I think if anyone besides Ben said they were going to see their brother, I’d flip out.”
I try to be reasonable. “Thanks. I guess I’m gonna have to get used to hearing stuff like that though. So are you, right?” Even as I say it, I don’t think I will ever get used to it. Could we take the word out of the English language?
He shakes his head. Jack breaks the silence. “Anyone want to go for a hike or run before group? Might help.”
“Sure, why not?” Graham answers.
Me? “Pass. Maybe I’ll go to the lake. See you later.” I’m too raw to be with them right now.
Ben gets up. “I barely slept last night so I think I’ll just go back to the cabin to take a nap.”
Jack bro-knuckles him but Ben misses, catching nothing but air. Before Ben can even react, Jack quickly grabs his arm like he meant to, saving Ben from embarrassment.
“Later, dude.”
I catch Jack’s eye. Damn, that was a really sweet gesture. He cocks his head and half winks at me.
