Just a Normal Tuesday

by Kim Turrisi

  “No guy has ever planned a picnic for me before,” Cass discloses.

  Ben chimes in. “Now three of them have.”

  We all eat sandwiches, cross-legged.

  “That was a rough morning,” Graham recalls.

  “The worst yet,” Ben says. There goes his smile. That’s the way it is here at grief camp. One minute you’re fine, and the next you have a memory that’s been jogged by the littlest thing and you’re tumbling back down the rabbit hole.

  “These ups and downs are rough,” I throw in before I open my chips.

  “But now at least there are some ups. Don’t you feel better talking about it?” Cass asks, ever the beacon of positivity.

  “All the talking hurts,” Ben remarks. He pushes his food to the side. There’s that yo-yo thing again. The ups and downs of it all just swallowed Ben.

  Cass checks her phone. “I’m gonna take the rest of my food up to the cabin if it’s okay with you guys. I just had a thought about the song I’ve been working on so I need to get a jump on it.”

  “You’re bailing after we cooked for you? That hurts,” Jack says, clutching his heart and acting all bummed out before cracking a smile.

  “No, no …” She gets flustered.

  He reaches for her. “No worries. It’s cool how creative you are. I was just hoping to hang a little bit.”

  “Later?” she asks.

  His grin confirms it.

  Seeing how down in the dumps Ben is, I think he needs a friend. TJ and Emily are always there for me. I need to be here for Ben, like I was for Aaron. I talk to Graham with my eyes and encourage him to leave. Graham taps Jack.

  “Wanna go shoot some hoops?”

  “Let’s do it.”

  Graham stands up. “See you later, Kai.” He winks at me. I turn to mush and get all shy.

  “Okay.”

  Ben hasn’t touched a morsel of his food, not that I blame him. The pain radiating from him is so extreme it’s cutting through me. He couldn’t even enjoy a moment of peace on a picnic he helped create.

  I lean in to him. “Hey, wanna, like, go for a swim or something?” I ask.

  He lifts his eyes away from his uneaten sandwich.

  He’s so awkward and uneasy. I grab his hand.

  “Come on.”

  Ben and I opt for a swim. After changing into our bathing suits, we head down to the lake. Walking behind him, I really get a sense of things, the big picture. I thought I was thin. Ben is probably 120 pounds soaking wet. At about five nine, that’s flat-out scrawny. Sagging board shorts and a wrinkled shirt hammer home the state he’s in. His outfit is a metaphor for his life. One big fucking mess.

  We ease our way into the cool water. “Race you out to the float,” I challenge him. He dives under and gets a jump on me. We swim toward the inflatable water trampoline.

  He tags up a body’s length before me. We climb onto the float, lying flat to catch our breath. He turns toward me.

  “This was a good idea, Kai. Thanks.”

  Even if it’s only for these few moments, the water washes away Ben’s pain.

  After we soak up the rays for a few minutes, the sun dries us off a bit. I roll over and leap into action. Jumping up and down, Ben is bouncing all over the place laughing his head off. I do a backflip over the edge into the water. Ben follows me with a belly flop. I splash water in his face when he surfaces.

  We take turns doing flips and dives.

  Jen was so right about the water. Soothes the soul.

  “You want to take a break?” I suggest more than ask, noting his fatigue.

  “Good idea. I don’t have much energy,” he answers.

  “Eat more,” I joke.

  Kind of.

  “I’m working on it.”

  We climb back on the floatie and sit side by side, legs touching, with our feet dangling in the water.

  “I wish I could turn back time. I would never have gone to the science fair. In the scheme of things, it wasn’t that important. Then there wouldn’t have been a wreck,” Ben shares.

  “The accident sounded pretty horrific,” I say, my eyes fixated on the lake, not wanting him to feel the obligation of eye contact. He’s quiet, and I wonder if I’ve gone where I shouldn’t have.

  “Every day is a nightmare, Kai,” he says finally. “Like, the realization that I’m really on my own. All I want is my family back.”

  Words lodge in my throat. What I want to do is wrap my arms around him and make it all better. For this one second, I’m not thinking of myself.

  “While Cory is barely hanging on, both sides of my family are at war. My aunt is fighting to get custody of us even though we barely know her. She and my dad hardly ever spoke. My uncle is trying to keep us but he lost his youngest sister and the brother-in-law he played softball with every Wednesday night. He’s in his own private hell. I look at Graham and Jack. Who’s gonna teach me to be a guy like that? Now I don’t even have my dad to help me.”

  “Oh, Ben. You don’t need to be Graham or Jack. You’re enough.”

  A tear sneaks down his cheek. I silently pray that I’m enough as well.

  Chapter 19

  I find Cass sitting on the rug in the middle of our cabin, cross-legged in front of a lavender candle, hands turned toward the ceiling with her index fingers and thumbs together. I start to tiptoe through the room but the creaking floorboards give me away. She opens her eyes.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay, I’m done. Marco suggested meditation, so I thought I’d give it a try.”

  “Is it working?” I ask, crouching next to her. “It didn’t for me.”

  “First day,” she says, “so no idea. I figure it can’t hurt. It’s forcing me to stop worrying about what’s going to happen next. My mom and the other kids have been living at Grandma’s, and things seemed fine when I talked to them. But who knows, right?”

  I note she did not say sister. In my mind, I’m hugging her for that.

  “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop,” she adds.

  “Maybe it’s not going to this time,” I try.

  “I can’t handle being let down yet again,” she says.

  Cass is so strong yet so fragile. Not being able to count on my mom has never entered into the equation. I relied on my sister but it wasn’t because of an absent parent. It was my choice.

  “Did you get some writing done?”

  “Yeah, I was stuck on the chorus of the song and it hit me while we were talking about ups and downs.”

  “Totally clocked the flirt fest with Jack. What’s that about?”

  “I can’t stop thinking about him. Not just his looks, though they don’t hurt. It’s the way he listens, the way he keeps eye contact when he talks to you. Like he isn’t looking over his shoulder for someone better to walk by. Those are the guys at my school. But ... is that bad? I mean, we’re not at a dating camp.”

  I’m wrestling with the same thing so I don’t know what to say.

  “Back home, a guy like Jack would never give me the time of day,” Cass admits. “He’s so hot and I’m so not.”

  I know what to say to that, at least: the truth.

  “You’re beautiful, and he’s totally into you,” I say adamantly.

  “Come on, Kai, look at me. I have crazy hair and I’m not a size four.”

  “Who is and who cares? You’re perfect just the way you are. Jen used to say that to me all the time.”

  As I say it, a light shines on my messy, broken self. Perfect in its imperfection.

  * * *

  When I fling open the bathroom door, wrapped in my rainbow-colored bath sheet, ready to get back to my guy talk with Cass, imagine the surprise on my face when I find the guy leaning in the doorway. Just one more thing that would never happen at home. It’s like I woke up
in someone else’s life.

  “Hi?”

  Graham sizes me up, head cocked. “Hello. Bet you weren’t expecting to see me. Nice outfit.”

  “It’s the newest trend,” I joke, totally embarrassed. Dripping hair, wrapped in terry cloth ... not exactly irresistible.

  “Sorry to just show up but I didn’t have your number. I was thinking we could hang out or something.” He says it like it’s no big deal.

  “Let me get dressed,” I manage.

  “It’s cool, I’ll be out in front. No rush.”

  Cass swings her leg around, kicking the door closed. “Sorry I couldn’t warn you. He knocked just as you were getting out of the shower.”

  I grab the first pair of shorts I see hanging over the chair and find a T-shirt in the top drawer. My brain goes from zero to eighty in full-on overthinking mode.

  “Is this a date?” My voice is a whisper-screech. “No one dates at grief camp, do they?” Cass doubles over. I guess that’s my answer.

  Pulling myself together, I hear my sister’s laugh, hear her encouraging me, Go for it. I look at my damp ponytailed self in the mirror and apply just a little bit of lip gloss. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard. As an afterthought, I dab some vanilla-scented oil behind each ear then at the base of my throat. You know. Just in case.

  “You look all kinds of adorable. Just go enjoy yourself.”

  “I’m not sure I remember how to do that,” I admit, heading out the door.

  Go for it.

  I find Graham leaning against a giant pine tree a few steps away from Cabin Three holding two bottles of water, a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a bag of M&M’S, killing the jeans he’s wearing. His white V-neck tee complements his untamed locks.

  “No beanie?” I ask.

  “I thought I’d dress up for our big date,” he says. “I hit the vending machine.”

  Cute and likes junk food. Dark hair, deep blue eyes.

  I’m swooning. At grief camp.

  The campground is alive, teeming with little kids playing hide-and-seek. A volleyball game between the under-fifteens rages on in the sandpit we pass as we make our way toward the woods. We could be in Anywhere, USA, on summer vacation.

  Graham and I bump shoulders as we move away from the campers and cabins toward the lake. I stumble on an oversize rock I didn’t see, nearly taking a header. I grab the loop on the back of his jeans to save myself from falling.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, stifling a laugh.

  “Yeah, just a rock, I’m good.” I blow it off even though I’m mortified. I haven’t been around a guy other than TJ in ages. And Chris, well, he wasn’t really anything other than a mistake. I’ve been staying in the friend zone since that whole debacle. But what do I have to lose? I’ve already lost the best thing in my life. I opt to keep my index finger around his belt loop and he doesn’t seem to mind one little bit.

  Graham guides me off the trail. “Careful, climb down here.” He points to an alcove snugly hidden between two imposing evergreens down an embankment of dried pine needles and brush.

  He explains, “I found this place the first day we got here. It’s where I go to be completely alone.”

  He grabs my hand to help me down the hill. The feel of his warm skin touching mine gives me the tingles. He twists toward me.

  “But now I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you,” he says. He sets his phone next to us and the epic piano solo from Jen’s Best of The Script’s playlist fills the air. How could he know?

  “Justin’s favorite song,” he says.

  “It was one of Jen’s, too.”

  Graham goes silent, getting lost in the lyrics.

  “I love that part. I’m trying to walk through this hell for my brother. You know, be a champion.”

  Sitting with his back against the tree, he pulls me between his legs. I position myself with my elbows on his bent knees. I hear the rip of the Cheetos bag, then it appears over my shoulder.

  “I love these.” I grab a handful and pop them in my mouth, hoping the crunching isn’t a turnoff. I breathe a sigh of relief when he returns the crunch.

  “So did my sister,” I add, thinking back on all those nights we stayed up watching movies. A smile creeps across my face. Jen would be so happy for me right now.

  “Was Justin a junk-food guy?”

  “Just the pizza obsession and he would be offended if you called it junk food. You would’ve liked him.”

  “If he was anything like you …” I reach for his hand, which is resting by my side.

  “He was more outgoing and likable.”

  Self-effacing.

  “Oh, you’re likable,” I insist. Glad he can’t see my face, I feel the burn from the blush. My flirt game could use some help.

  He hands me his phone. “Pick a song.”

  I search his music and hit Play. The Beatles’ classic “Let It Be” begins. “When I was twelve, my dad took me to a Beatles tribute concert. He told me that this song represents the light in all of us. No matter how much darkness there is, if we let it be, the light will find its way to us. Regardless of how bleak it might seem.”

  “Your dad sounds cool. He’s got a legit point.”

  Maybe he does. It might be time to heed my dad’s advice if I’m to move to a different place with Jen’s death.

  Maybe the answer is there is no answer.

  I wonder if I can just let it be.

  Graham surprises me when he places his lips on the nape of my neck, gently kissing it, sending so many new feels through me that I’m not sure what to do next.

  “You make it so easy for me to open up,” he says so lightly that I feel his breath on my ear.

  I lean farther into him as he continues.

  “The days and weeks after Justin died were all the same. Basically, intolerable. I couldn’t stop going through all his stuff. The lacrosse shirts, his trophies, his everything. Just to have him around me.”

  “That’s better than me. I was fixated on choosing the right outfit for Jen to be buried in, selecting the perfect prayer cards for her service. All the little things. I just had to get it all right, make it perfect. Nothing’s ever perfect, is it?” I ask.

  “This moment feels pretty darn close.” His revelation catches me off guard. “I didn’t expect this when I first got here,” he throws in.

  “Pretty much the last thing I imagined might happen.” I stumble over my words.

  “I never do stuff like this. My brother was that guy. He would go up to any girl, fearless, and just launch into conversation. Not me. With you, it’s different.”

  I turn toward him and fall into his eyes. While I’m busy falling, Graham eases my hair out of the ponytail holder and runs his fingers through it, tucking it behind my right ear. Chills race from the top of my ear to the bottom of my toes and several places in between on the way down.

  I wrap my legs around his waist. We’re facing each other, not another soul in sight.

  He slides his thumb to the corner of my mouth, leaning in to me in one fluid motion. His parted lips graze mine. Then he pulls away, leaving me wanting a whole lot more before he moves back in, nibbling on my lower lip before slipping his tongue into my mouth, making its way around like it’s been here before. The longest, deepest kiss in my life is happening in the middle of the woods with a guy who is as broken as I am.

  My sister died and I’m making out. Full disclosure: right this second, his tongue is winning the battle over my guilt.

  By a long shot.

  Even with Cheetos breath.

  We move away from each other for a split second to catch our breath. His indigo eyes speak to me in a way I’ve never known. The kiss that follows is more heated and evokes sensations I didn’t know existed. Love, lust and security collide.

  Graham envelops
me, holding me tight to his chest for a long time until the temperature drops and the sun disappears behind the clouds. There’s a force field of magnetic energy between us.

  His scruffy cheek tickles me. His chin rests softly on my shoulder, and his breath is hot against my flesh.

  “You’re saving me,” he says, so close that my body trembles.

  “You make me feel normal again.”

  If this is normal, I’ll take it.

  Chapter 20

  For the first time since the Tuesday from hell, I awake refreshed. A check of the phone tells me I missed a late-night call from TJ, I have ten texts and I slept almost eight hours. Wait, I slept eight solid hours?

  Cass is contorted in the most uncomfortable position, sound asleep. I’ve learned that she’s one of those people who can sleep standing up. Lucky her. Careful not to make any noise, I roll over on my side and slip my journal out of the leather backpack.

  I see the postcard I tucked in the inside pocket, back on day one. This time, I can’t wait to see the handwriting I know is on the opposite side.

  Found this in a shop outside of Paris. Thought of you. How could I not? I know how much you love Wilbur. Paris is just about as magic as this book. The food, the vibe, the everything. I’m loving it all. You’ll see what I mean when you and TJ get here. xo JJ.

  Knowing she was happy when she wrote this makes me think I can be happy, too. At least sometimes. At least today. Balancing my journal on my knees, I turn to a blank page to start my morning entry.

  Today feels like it could be a pretty decent day. When I woke up the first thought I had was one filled with life, not death. Totally new concept. What is alive and well in my head has a name and it’s Graham.

  This makes me miss my sister even more. I’m desperate to talk to her, get her input. I counted on her ability to answer my questions. And I have a lot of questions.

  What if my kissing ability didn’t measure up to Graham’s previous girlfriends? What if he doesn’t think of me as a girlfriend? What if this is Chris all over again? What if this means nothing? I have to stop overanalyzing. I’m going to make this a good day. Hope.