by Leah Atwood
“Hi, Sass. What are you reading?”
I laid the book aside and tried to disguise the fact that Ryan’s appearance sent a thousand butterflies fluttering about in my belly. “Poetry that’s so depressing I can understand why the poet stuck her head in an oven.”
Ryan’s brow creased as he settled beside me on the cushioned bench. “Seriously? That bad?”
“Well, something in her life must have been that bad. Her poetry’s good, but it’s so sad it makes me want to weep buckets. It’s on the required list for English, or I wouldn’t be reading it. Trust me.”
“Here. I got something for you.” Ryan handed over a square package wrapped in sailboat paper. It was obviously a book of some kind. A rather heavy book.
“That’s the only wrapping paper I could find in the house,” he said. “Mom used it for my dad’s Father’s Day gift. Sorry it doesn’t have flowers and stuff all over it.”
“That doesn’t matter. What’s the occasion?” I found it incredibly sweet that Ryan had brought me a gift, much less wrapped it himself.
“I didn’t get you anything for your birthday this year. Sorry about that.”
“Not a problem. I didn’t get one for you either.”
When his gaze skimmed over me, lingering on my tanned legs, I felt my cheeks flush. Until that moment, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was dressed in ratty old shorts and a faded tank top. I moved my fingers to the hem of the shorts and started to pull them down. “Maybe I should go change.”
“You’re fine. You look really…pretty.”
“Thanks, but maybe you shouldn’t say something like that considering you broke up with me three weeks ago. And now you’re staring at my legs.” I turned my head so he couldn’t see how much I’d been hurting since that miserable day when he’d approached me at my locker. He made sure to do the dirty deed in a public place. It was good Ryan didn’t hear the things I spouted about him during my rant once the shock wore off. By the grace of God, I was home alone with only the four walls of my bedroom to absorb my nasty comments and to hear me cry.
“That’s kind of why I’m here. I hope you’re still my friend.” Ryan’s comment brought me back to the present. “You always have been and always will be. Ellie, would you at least look at me?” Those incredible blue eyes of his zoomed in on me, pinning me down so that I could barely breathe.
He waited until I did as he asked, and then he gestured to the gift in my lap. “First things first. Open it, please.”
“Okay.” My interest piqued by his comment, I began to purposely remove the wrapping from one end of the package with painstaking care.
“Just rip it already.” Ryan laughed. “I know I did a horrible job, and you can’t tell me you’re going to save that paper. You’re just trying to torture me.”
“Why wouldn’t I keep the paper? Maybe I will.” I pointed to the paper. “The sailboats are pretty, and you know how I’ve always loved lighthouses.” I shot him a grin. “I’m not trying to torture you, but I’m glad to know it’s working.”
In one quick action, Ryan reached across me and tore the paper off the top. His movements carried the combined scent of freshly mown grass, sweat, and masculine-scented soap—an oddly intoxicating combination.
I stared at the Bible peeking out at me beneath the shredded paper. “You got me a Bible?”
“I know you already have one, but you’re getting a little old for it, don’t you think?”
I knew what he meant. I’d been carrying my tattered pink Bible with daisies since the eighth grade. Ryan didn’t need to know that I’d doodled Ellie ♥ Ryan in some of the Old Testament chapters during moments of boredom in Sunday school. A few New Testament books, too.
“I read my Bible and take it to heart, and that’s the main—”
“You know what I mean. Time to grow up, Ellie.”
I balked. “Excuse me? You give me a Bible and then insult me?”
“Sorry. I’m not doing this right.” Rubbing his hand over his forehead, Ryan rose to his feet and started to pace in front of me.
For once, I held my tongue, knowing he’d tell me when he was good and ready. If I had to sit here all day, I would. Mom wouldn’t allow me to starve. She’d eventually take pity on me and bring some food.
“Look, here’s the thing.” He stopped his pacing and crouched in front of me. “Give me your hands, please.”
I gave them to him. I couldn’t wait to hear what would come out of his mouth next.
His eyes held mine captive all over again. “Ellie, I want us to sit in church every Sunday. Together.” He tore the remainder of the paper away from the Bible and watched as I thumbed through it with a certain measure of awe and reverence.
“You bought a…study Bible for couples?” Things were starting to make sense in spite of the fact I sounded somewhat like an imbecile with my questions.
“Yes. I want us to study this Bible together. God knows what’s in our hearts. I should never have told you we should break up. I thought I wanted to go out with Amber. I made a stupid mistake, and I hope you can forgive me.”
“You’re young and misguided, so yes, I can forgive you, Ryan. But I should make you sweat a little.” When Ryan’s eyes widened, and he looked stricken, I grinned to soften my words. Boys could be so clueless sometimes. At other times, they could be surprisingly insightful. The problem was, I never could tell with Ryan. In some ways, that made him fascinating. I’m sure he’d say the same about me.
“You wanted to go out with Amber,” I said. “I know that. You can at least be honest with me.” Amber had been after Ryan for months. Last I heard, she was going to Ohio State, too. The Cleveland extension of the university, same as Ryan. When I’d heard that, it sent the stake deeper into my heart. I’d had visions of Ryan’s wedding to Amber. In a few years, all their adorable kiddos would fill an entire pew in church. Of course, by that time I’d be off in Africa, living in a hut and teaching missionary kids.
“Ellie, listen to me.” With gentle fingers, Ryan guided my chin back toward him. He waited until I lifted my gaze to meet his. My stomach was doing somersaults, but I inhaled a deep breath and prepared to listen.
“The last couple of times I’ve gone out with Amber, all I could think about was that time our families went sailing on the lake together.”
My eyes widened with surprise. “You were on a date with Amber thinking about something that happened a few years ago? I’m surprised you even remember. You said like twenty words to me that day and then ignored me.”
“You were fourteen,” he said. “We were swimming in the lake, and I noticed for the first time that you weren’t a little girl anymore. And I wasn’t a little boy. I didn’t mean to ignore you that day, but I couldn’t stop staring at you. It’s like it hit me full force—bam!—that you’d grown up. And you weren’t the little girl down the street I used to tease.” His eyes softened. “You were this gorgeous girl that I suddenly couldn’t get out of my mind. But you were way too young to date. My parents wouldn’t even let me date yet.”
“Wow,” I murmured. “I had no idea. Ryan, I know I’m not as pretty as Carli or Amber or half the girls in school.”
“No, you’re not.” When he heard my small gasp, Ryan cupped his warm hands on either side of my face, cradling it. “Ellie, you’re more beautiful than all of them put together.”
“You’re just saying that because you want to get back together.” I pulled back, and he released his hold on me. “Did you break up with Amber?”
I caught his quick grin before Ryan dropped onto the patio, crossed his legs, and then propped his chin on his hands. “What’s my favorite color?”
“Fire engine red. Is this a test?”
“Maybe.” He smiled. “Favorite food?”
“Rodeo Burger at The Soda Shoppe. With extra barbecue sauce and two onion rings on top.”
“You’re batting a thousand,” he said. “Let’s move to the next category. Favorite shirt?”
It
was my turn to laugh. “Too easy. Your old Cavaliers T-shirt that’s a size too small and emphasizes your muscles.” My cheeks grew heated with that admission. “And it has a fairly good-sized hole right…here.” I pointed to a spot just below my right arm.
Ryan stared at me for a long moment.
“What?” I squirmed on the bench. “I kid you not. Check your T-shirt.”
He grinned. “I know about the hole. You’re right, but I can’t throw it away.”
“I’ll do it for you.” I giggled when he raised one brow. “Matter of fact, I’ll get you a brand new T-shirt as a belated birthday gift.”
“That might work. In answer to your question, I broke up with Amber a couple of days ago. When we were going out, we never talked about anything important. She goes to church, but Amber doesn’t know Jesus the way you do. She doesn’t know what I like to eat, my favorite restaurant, things like that. I know practically nothing about her. All she cares about is how she looks and that what her date wears doesn’t clash with her outfit.”
“Well, fashion is a big deal to some girls.” My nerves had started to take over, but I could tell he was working up to something important.
Surprising me, Ryan jumped to his feet. Hauling me off the bench, he easily circled his arms around me as if it was second nature. Then he tightened his hold on my waist like he’d never let me go. I knew he had to feel how fast my pulse was racing.
“The thing is, when I was out with Amber, all I could think about was you, Ellie. You might only be seventeen, but you want to know what I see when I look at you?”
“I’m not sure I—?”
“That was a rhetorical question,” he said. “I see the girl I’ve known my whole life. The girl I teased and probably made miserable more than a few times.”
I nodded. Miserable might be pushing it, although mad would be accurate.
“The girl I’ve tried to protect.”
Again, I nodded. He’d protected me on several occasions. Sometimes it was as simple as making sure I arrived home safely. Or giving me his umbrella so I wouldn’t get wet at the risk of getting soaked. Ryan is my hero even though I’ve never told him as much. Never said it out loud in his presence.
“The girl who makes me laugh.” Ryan moved his hand to the side of my face, lightly caressing the line of my jaw. “You watched over me and called for help when I had the bike accident and broke my leg.”
“Anyone would have done the same thing.”
“That’s not true. The lady who hit me didn’t know what to do, Ellie. You’d barely turned thirteen, but you took charge. You’re one of the smartest people I know. You make me laugh. You’re fiery and passionate, especially when you care about someone. You’re the only girl who knows me well enough to say things that hurt me because deep down, I know you’re right.”
I swallowed. “You’ll meet other girls. You might get tired of me. I’m familiar, I’m comfortable, and I’m your friend.” I tried to pull away, but Ryan captured both my hands.
I lifted my chin to meet his gaze directly. “I won’t let you break my heart.”
He took my hand and positioned it over his heart. “Feel that?”
Oh, I did. Solid and steady. “Yes. You’re very healthy.”
“That’s for you, baby. Ellie, my pulse is racing right now, and I feel a little crazy because I want to kiss you so bad it hurts. Look, I can’t promise never to make you cry, but I promise I’ll never break your heart.”
My jaw went slack. “You called me baby.”
“I did. Does it bother you?”
“No.” I smiled. “I kind of like it, coming from you.”
He tucked a long dark strand of hair behind my ear. “Your favorite color is purple. Buttercup yellow is a close second. You love the pepperoni and mushroom pizza at Martinelli’s with an ice cold root beer in a glass mug. Your favorite shirt is that pretty pink one that makes your eyes look incredible with little gold flecks dancing in them.” He chuckled. “I’m not very good at saying romantic things.”
“You’re doing fine. Keep going.”
“I don’t want to kiss someone just because she’s pretty, or it feels good, and I like it. I want to kiss someone who means the world to me. The girl I’ve loved all these years.”
I gasped and planted my hands on Ryan’s chest. “You love me?” If only that question hadn’t come out as an embarrassingly high-pitched squeak.
In answer, Ryan Joseph Sullivan lowered his head and caressed my lips with his. “I do, Ellie.” Those blue eyes—clear and pure as the summer day—wouldn’t lie.
His kiss proved we weren’t fourteen and fifteen anymore. The boy has been blessed with an amazing talent for kissing. I’m certain our lips were made for each other.
“I’m saving all my kisses for you,” he whispered.
I swooned and lost my footing for a moment, but Ryan steadied me. “As long as you don’t put any more frogs down my shirt.”
He laughed. “I’m sorry for that and all the other things I’ve done to make you mad.”
I sighed with contentment. “Yeah, well, you already apologized, so get over it. And that frog was pretty slimy, but I survived. For the record, I haven’t gone nuts and kissed any other guys during your period of temporary insanity. Not that you asked, and not that I feel compelled to tell you. I just thought you should know. So”—I smiled and winked—“I guess that means that I’ve saved all my kisses for you.”
“Thanks.” Ryan’s smile reached his eyes. “And why is that?”
“Because I kind of love you back.”
He kissed me then. And, all over again, I knew I’d found my home.
Chapter 25
~~♥~~
A tear fell on the pages of my Bible on my lap. Propping myself higher in my bed, I focused on the page turned to the third chapter of Ecclesiastes.
There is an appointed time for everything.
And there is a time for every event under heaven—
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
“A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.” I pondered the verse as I read it aloud in the quiet of the bedroom. I moved my finger down a few verses. “He has made everything appropriate in its time.”
“Lord, I know you’ll always take care of me”—I swallowed a sob—“but you know how much I love Ryan. Thank you for the time you’ve given me with him all these years. Call me selfish, but I want to have babies with him, sit next to him on our pew at church every Sunday, cook him anniversary dinners, go on fabulous vacations together, watch our kids grow old.”
I stopped and wiped away my tears. “So many things I want to share with him. The intimacy of a physical relationship, bringing our babies into the world—Ryan beside me, holding my hand, telling me it’s worth it—and all the things a husband and wife are supposed to experience together. I know it won’t be easy, Lord, but I just want to do them with Ryan.”
Closing my Bible with another small sob, I placed the Bible on the nightstand. “In the end, I know Ryan belongs to you more than he belongs to me.”
This wouldn’t do. I shoved back the covers and slid down to my knees by the side of the bed. Clasping my hands together as I used to do as a small child, I lowered my head and closed my eyes.
“Heavenly Father, I know you hear my prayer. You know my heart. You know my motivations are pu
re. In faith, I’m asking for a sign from you that Ryan’s okay. Or that he’s not. That’s all I need.”
More tears slipped down my cheeks. “If you need him for your purpose in Heaven, then so be it. You know best, and I’m sure”—I sniffled and blinked away more tears—“you need Ryan for a very good reason.” I wiped the moisture from my cheeks with my palms, shifted on my knees, and then resumed my prayer.
“Lord, if you do have Ryan in Heaven with you now, please put your arms around him. Tell him how much I miss him. Most importantly, please tell Ryan how very much I love him. I always have,” I whispered. “And I always will.”
Chapter 26
~~♥~~
Friday, December 22
“You need to scoot your pale self into the tanning booth,” Staci scolded me in her best schoolteacher voice late the next morning. She waved her freshly manicured hand toward the back of Joelle’s Spa and Salon.
When I stared at Staci with a blank expression, Kara took over with the big sister patronizing. “Ellie, I think you should consider going to Hawaii anyway. But with your fair skin, if you go without preparing for that hot sun, you’re going to fry.”
Lovely image. I prayed for the grace not to snap at my oldest sister. Kara has always been blunt, a fact I have appreciated and disliked in equal measure through the years.
I narrowed my eyes. “Maybe you’re right, but I have my 1,000 SPF sunblock and a ridiculously oversized sun hat.”
Staci winked. “I doubt you and Ryan will see much of the outdoors.”
I ignored that comment from the sister who’d given me lingerie for a shower gift that defined the meaning of unmentionables. The mere thought of that flimsy little piece of fabric made my cheeks flame, especially since Ryan’s mom had been seated next to me when I’d pulled it out of the box.
“Keep Ryan happy in the boudoir, and all will be well,” Staci said loud enough for everyone at the shower—held at the church, no less—to hear. The whispers and twittering had zoomed around the room at warp speed after that statement. I heard Mom trying to explain Staci’s comment to hard-of-hearing Paulette King as I opened the next gift of a flannel, button-up-to-the neck nightgown from a never-married woman who lived with her parents and a collection of porcelain cats.
