“She’s Gwen Demer’s sister. Christ, Eli, don’t be so dense. Penny Goodwin. We went to school with her. Remember Pudge? Fat girl who used to slink around hoping no one would notice her. How could we not?”
He didn’t like her tone when she said those words, as if still amused by it. “No she’s not,” he denied flatly. It took a moment for the image of the girl Shelly was talking about to materialize in his mind. He remembered her. Not hard to forget a girl like that. No way my Nell is the same girl.
“Yes, she is,” Shelly insisted. She paused for a moment and then snickered. “She never told you. She’s making you believe that she’s a friend of the family? Is that it?”
Elijah couldn’t speak. Partly because Shelly’s prodding pissed him off. She reminded him of a little yappy dog that caught on to some toy and wouldn’t let go. And partly because should she be right, why the heck wouldn’t Nell tell him right from the beginning? Why lie about it?
And if true, then who else could have figured it out? He might be the only one in the dark. Others were bound to know as well. His little ex-wife couldn’t keep her mouth shut about juicy bits of gossip, no matter who it involved.
Irritated, he retorted, “It’s none of your business anyway, Shell, so just stay out of it.”
She shrugged and pushed away from the door. “Your life, Eli. Well, yours and our kids. I’m not too keen on letting someone who’d lie about who she is around my kids. I hope you’d feel the same.” With that, she turned and left.
Eli stared after her, struggling to make sense of what she’d just told him. Was she right? He tried his damnedest to recall Penny Goodwin’s face, but that had been so long ago and he couldn’t come up with anything solid.
On the bookshelf in his den he kept his old high school yearbooks. Immediately he went there and pulled out the one published the year he graduated. He thumbed through to the senior portraits and found Penny Goodwin. While the other classmates had quotes and goals and other fun information, there was nothing under her listing. Just Penelope Elaine Goodwin. Nickname: Penny.
He stared hard at the picture of the unsmiling girl. Yes, he remembered her. She’d been the target of a lot of teasing due to her weight. Relentless teasing that he’d taken part in. He couldn’t believe this was his vibrant, exciting Nell who he’d fallen head over heels with, but the eyes were the same, large and soulful. And the lips, lush and shapely.
How could he not have known? He pictured her in his mind, the way she looked now, and could recall enough of a resemblance between her and Gwen that he should’ve noticed it. But he’d been too blinded by the intrigue she offered.
He slammed the book shut, suddenly angry. She’d lied to him. For some reason beyond his comprehension, she’d stood before him the night of the auction, remembered him from school, and lied. Then kept lying.
What was her game? How could he trust her with anything? Especially his heart. He’d given it so easily to her and she took it. If she’d felt anything for him, she would’ve come clean. Obviously she planned on playing this charade for as long as they were together. Probably never meant for it to go on much longer.
Just this morning she’d told him that she loved him. Another damned lie?
He felt used and it wasn’t a pleasant feeling.
“I have to tell him,” Nell said miserably. She lay back on Gwen’s bed, draped her arm across her eyes, and moaned. “I’m a friggin’ idiot and you warned me.”
She felt her sister sit down next to her and pat her leg. “Yes, you are a friggin’ idiot and I take great pleasure in saying ‘I told you so.’ Now, you want to fill me in on what brought on this great revelation?”
For a long moment, Nell couldn’t speak as she searched for the words to describe what had happened. A simple “I love him” didn’t seem sufficient. Neither did a long explanation on how they’d gotten to where they were. Gwen wasn’t dim. She would’ve seen it.
“Because you were right about him. He isn’t the same ass I remember from high school. I thought it would be easy. Play with him a little and then dump him. No one would get hurt.”
Gwen sighed and leveled a look at Nell. “Be honest. You wanted to hurt him a bit. Did you hope he’d fall for you?”
“I guess. Maybe just a little in the beginning. After what he and his friends put me through in high school, I’ll admit freely that I wanted some payback. Not to be cruel, just leave him wanting me.”
“But now you’re in love with him and I’ll bet you anything he’s in love with you. Is that it?”
“So he says,” Nell muttered and closed her eyes again. All she saw was Eli’s face. “I never thought it would come to this. It’s all Javier’s fault. If that jerk hadn’t stolen my collection I’d be back in New York right now, in my own little studio getting ready for my show. But no, he had to ruin everything and now I’m up here and I’m in love. God, Gwen, what am I going to do?”
Gwen settled closer to Nell and took her hand. “Well, you have two choices. You tell him and hope he doesn’t freak out. If he does then it’s over between you two and, hey, you both had a good time. If he forgives you, then see if you can make a go of it. Or you don’t tell him and when it’s time to go back to New York, you say goodbye forever and no one has to know the truth.”
“Is there a third option? Like going back in time to the night of the auction and starting all over again?”
“It wouldn’t have been that bad, you know, if you’d been straight up with him from the beginning. He would’ve been overwhelmed by your amazing transformation and would’ve fallen in love with you on the spot.”
“Or he wouldn’t have been able to get the picture of me as a senior with four chins and he would’ve been shocked and horrified I’d even won him.”
Gwen elbowed her gently. “He wouldn’t have done that.”
“Well, it’s too late now. We have to be over at his place in an hour.” To calm herself, Nell drew in a big breath and held it before slowly releasing it. “I’m going to tell him. It’s the right thing to do. Then he won’t have to wonder why I’ve left town and never answer when he calls. Because he won’t have to call.”
“I’m sorry, Nell. Really I am. Despite my smugness at being right, I hate to see you hurting. I’m hoping that he’ll understand. Maybe if he does, then you can stop hiding down there in New York, and come home.”
Nell’s confidence hadn’t improved when they pulled into Eli’s drive an hour later. In fact, she felt like she was marching to her execution.
Dylan and Emma raced around the yard, both wearing bathing suits, and Autumn seemed eager to join them. Several people had already gathered on the back deck and the smell of burgers on the grill enticed Mark, Gwen and Nell to join them. Yet a somber pall hovered over the group, no doubt due to the tragedy over at the Lincoln farm. Nell remembered Corrine Lincoln well. It broke her heart that the woman had perished. The town had definitely lost one of its finest.
Eli was absent from the group, so Nell went inside to search for him. Not to tell him. Not yet. She longed to enjoy one last perfect day with him before she dropped the bomb on him.
She found him in the kitchen putting raw steak onto a platter. He didn’t look up when she entered, even when he should’ve seen her. He stared down at the meat, a frown etching a furrow between his brows. After the previous day, she couldn’t blame him. Still, with her new worries, she wished he’d say something. Anything.
“Hey,” she finally said, taking a step closer.
Eli glanced up slowly and gave her a narrow look. Not exactly the gaze of a man in love.
Ice crept around her heart. She brought her arms up across her chest to fend off the chill. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is great. Terrific.” Of course, his tone contradicted his words. His voice seemed as hard as his stare.
“I find that hard to believe.”
Eli put the fork down on top of the steaks. “Come here. I want to show you something.”
; Nell almost refused, wanting nothing more than to be outside. She had a feeling this was ‘do or die’ time.
Silently, she followed him to the den. He stopped next to his desk, not hiding the glare on his face now. He shot it right at her, no holds barred.
“Why did you lie to me?”
Nell didn’t have to look down at the desk to know he’d dug out their senior class yearbook. She’d never bought one herself, but she discovered her mother had purchased one. To this day she refused to look at it.
She opened her mouth to speak, then shut it again. She could tell him the truth and say she wanted to yank his feelings a bit, give him a little taste of the misery he caused her in the past. Or she could say she liked the way he looked at her the night of the auction and she didn’t want to spoil that feeling of attraction.
Truth be told, both were fact.
“Seemed like the right thing to do at the time,” she replied tightly.
He flipped the book shut with a hard slap. “That’s it?”
“No, of course not.” Nell drew in a big breath and released it quickly. “Eli, I never intended for this to go as far as it has. I walked into that damned gym and not one person recognized me. You will never know what that’s like, thank God. I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone.”
Eli continued to glare, unmoved. She wanted to shake him, to force him to understand how she had felt in that gym, when he looked at her the way he did. She had felt revived and sexy, and honestly, there was power in that.
“I shouldn’t have lied. I know that and I’ll admit that my intentions toward you weren’t pure. All I could think of was, ‘wow, he’s looking at me the way I used to secretly look at him.’ But I never thought we’d go this far.”
“You keep saying that. How far did you plan on taking it? Did you just want to seduce me, sleep with me and then dump me on my ass?”
Nell hated the steel in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. She longed to soothe it away, make him understand what she felt for him now was real.
Since the majority of the truth finally hung in the air between them, there wasn’t any reason to hide the rest. “Actually, no. All I wanted from you was hard labor at my mother’s house. The flirting came naturally. If you hadn’t asked me to dinner, we probably wouldn’t be standing here right now.”
“Awesome,” he jeered. “Turn this around and place the blame on me.”
Nell stretched her hand toward him, but he stepped back, out of her reach. “I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m trying to make you see that I never expected to fall in love with you. God, Eli, I wish more than anything that I could go back to the night of the auction and reveal myself. But I can’t. And I couldn’t bear to think of how you might have looked at me if you’d remembered me from school.”
“Then I guess you don’t know me too well.”
Nell narrowed her eyes. A bubble of anger simmered up inside. Didn’t he remember how he used to treat her? “I knew how you were in high school with your group of friends, especially your girlfriend. You were cruel, Eli. You made my life miserable. That’s what I remembered about you. If you can’t understand—”
“So you wanted a little payback. Fine, you got it. I fell in love with you and now I’ve got a taste of what I dished out back then. You want an apology? I’ll give you one. I’m sorry for how I used to treat you. I was an asshole. I didn’t think past what my friends thought of me and I wanted to be cool. Teasing you was just a part of that. If I could go back and change it, I would.” A mixture of pain and anger roughened his voice and blazed in his eyes. Nell longed to soothe both away but she knew there wouldn’t be any reaching him, not at this moment.
“But I can’t go back any more than you can,” he pointed out.
Silence filled the space between them. Nell looked down at her hands. This was so stupid. How could they have gone from madly in love, to standing on opposite sides of a chasm so deep that there wouldn’t be any way to bridge it?
Chapter 13
For the rest of the weekend, Nell worked like a fiend to finish all the last minute details, packing what she no longer needed so she could have everything brought back to her place in New York. She planned to be gone by Tuesday morning. Jill had already left, which was a relief. Nell just wanted to be alone, not to have to talk to anyone or explain why she cried so much.
Gwen had stopped by as soon as the cookout ended, demanding answers, offering comfort, but she didn’t give it without a small dose of, “I told you so.” As soon as Nell could send her away, she did, promising to be in touch. For the rest of the weekend she settled for wallowing in her own misery.
She told herself she deserved this. It was a joke, the idea she could just walk away from him, from what they had without hurt. No harm, no foul, my ass.
Monday morning Jill returned, happy, glowing and in love. Looking at her dreamy smile only increased Nell’s pain, but she painted on a fake smile of her own when Jill waved her left hand in front of her eyes. A diamond solitaire glittered from her ring finger. Nell went through all the proper displays of joy. She really was happy for Jill. She knew Chuck was crazy about her and vice versa. Jill deserved every ounce of happiness she could get. Underneath, desolation weighed down on Nell’s heart like a cold lead weight.
“I want to leave for good by Tuesday morning,” she told Jill. “I need to be back in New York, back in my own workspace for the last few days.”
Jill grinned. “I kind of like it here. We worked like demons. I don’t think we’ve ever been this productive.”
Nell eyed her assistant curiously. “Don’t tell me you’re ready to relocate to the country.”
“I don’t know. Chuck is from a tiny town in Pennsylvania. I think I could adapt.”
Nell had to chuckle. “Our industry is in New York. I don’t know if we could make it as well up here.”
“You never know.” Jill shrugged.
Jill’s suggestion that they stay caught Nell by surprise. “You’re a die-hard New Yorker. What in the world is changing your mind?”
“Chuck and I were talking about it when we were up north. I love New York, but we’re going to have kids someday. I don’t know if I want to raise them in the city. I always wanted to live somewhere quiet, with a little land. I thought it would be a bonus if I could have my career, too.”
They didn’t discuss it further. If things had been different with Eli, Nell would have seriously considered staying. In fact, she longed to stay. She could easily convert this house into her studio. She would hire Paula, even have Emma over to help out if the girl wanted. Lots of designers made such situations work.
But not now. Not with her relationship with Eli in ashes. She drew in a slow breath. Her chest felt tight, as if there were too much heartache inside, leaving no room for anything else.
When her two models arrived on Monday, Nell threw herself into the fittings. This is no time for pity parties or regrets. Grimly, she set to work on the collection’s final touches. Her misery would have to wait for at least one day. For now, the rush of putting these outfits together, knowing they were going to wow the crowds and boost her career, was enough to keep the heartbreak at bay.
Grief returned later that night. After Jill, Tanya and Sam went to bed, Nell took advantage of the solitude and headed for her little playhouse behind the barn. She gathered the remainders of her teenage loneliness, the box containing her diary and the cut out pictures of skinny, gorgeous models and celebrities. Everything that reminded her of who she used to be and how she’d been treated back then. She brought them out to the barbeque pit her father had built out of bricks, and threw the lot on top of the old cinders and ash.
Coldly, she doused the small pile with lighter fluid. “Goodbye Pudge,” she murmured and dropped a lit match. As the flames flared, her lips turned up in a sad smile. Maybe she’d start a big fire and the fire department would show up. That would be hilarious. Eli would probably accuse her of setting it on purpose just to see him.
Her smile held no humor and it was quick to die as the flames quickly settled down.
I should be bawling right now. But her eyes remained dry. “Pudge” hadn’t been a part of her life for a long time, so letting go of her now didn’t overwhelm her emotionally. Instead, Nell felt sadness that the girl even existed in the first place. She was in a “better” place now and nothing but happiness and satisfaction should have remained.
It only took a few minutes for her past to fall into a pile of gray remains. Nothing but the wire spiral binder of the diary remained, but Nell stayed by the pit for over half an hour. Nighttime embraced her with only the light from the back porch to illuminate the yard.
This would most likely be the last time she’d ever sit here, in the yard of her childhood home. Unexpectedly, finally, sadness swept over her and her eyes blurred with tears.
Eli knew Nell was still in town, but according to Howie, she was packing up to leave. He wasn’t sure why his friend felt the need to keep him informed or why he stared hard at Eli as if waiting for a response. What was left to say? What Nell did or didn’t do was no longer his concern. He didn’t care.
Or at least he tried to convince himself he didn’t care. In reality, he cared too damn much. Underneath the anger that burned steadily inside his brain and belly, there was a hurt he knew wouldn’t go away anytime soon. A part of him thought he shouldn’t make such a big deal of what happened, because what they had shared was too important to let this bump in the road cause a good thing to crash and burn.
Then there was that other part of him raging inside. She shouldn’t have lied. Everything they shared was built on dishonesty and there was no way in hell it could survive if she couldn’t trust him with such an integral piece of information. What else did she lie about? How could he trust that she really loved him when he knew her plan from the start was to use him, to get a little payback for what he did to her in their past? How far did her need for revenge go?
Going Going Gone Page 13
