I call out one final time just as his large cock throbs causing him to shudder and fill me.
We’re both panting and out of breath as he comes to a stop. He rests his forearms on either side of my head while his hands push fallen hair away from my face. His eyes are a deep blue, filled with so much emotion they make my heart bleed for him. He wets his thick lips before they land on mine softly.
I wrap my hands around his neck, wanting to hold him to me as long as I can. I know it’s time to reflect on what we’ve just done, and I’m worried that he will regret it. I know we should both regret what we’ve done, but I don’t. How can you regret something that felt so right?
He breaks the kiss and pulls away, turning his back to me while he sits on the edge of the bed. I pull myself up into a sitting position, dragging the blankets up my body because suddenly, I feel shy.
My heart is hammering away in my chest, but it’s not from the sex we just had. It’s out of fear. I’m afraid he will realize his mistake and I’ll never see him again.
“I’m sorry, Hope.” His voice is deep and raspy, guilt eating at him.
“I’m not,” I say, suddenly full of ambition. I know it’s wrong, but I don’t care. He is the first person to make me feel alive in five years.
Out of surprise, he turns to me. “I’ve been trying to help you, not hurt you or confuse you. I’ve fought against this pull you have over me since the other night when you kissed me. You’re all I’ve been able to think about.”
I feel a grin tug at my lips. “And you’re all I’ve been able to think about.” I push the blankets away, not needing them to hide or for comfort any longer. I crawl over to him, taking my place on his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck as I level my eyes on him.
“I know this is wrong. I know how many people we can hurt, but I don’t care. I want you. I need you, and I think you need me.” I press my lips to his and slowly kiss him, hoping he can feel everything I can’t put into words.
He pulls away. “You’re young, and you’re hurt. I never intended to take advantage of you this way. This isn’t who I am.” I can see all the conflict burning in his eyes like a raging fire.
“You didn’t take advantage of me. This may be wrong, but it’s right. I know you can feel it too. Every time you touch me, even innocently, a shock runs through me. I’ve never felt that with another person. That has to mean something.”
He nods as his hands land on my hips. “I know. I feel it too, but it doesn’t make it right. It’s wrong. I’m twenty years older than you, and I’m married. I’m friends with your parents. We could end up hurting all of them. As much as I love what we just did, I can’t help but to feel like it was a mis—.”
“Don’t say it was a mistake. You knew what you were doing coming over here tonight. And if you ask me, that’s why you’ve spent practically this entire weekend with me. You’re fighting against the pull. Don’t fight it. Just accept that we’ve been brought together for a reason.” I lift my hips and slide down his thick cock that has been hard since I climbed on his lap.
He lets out a growl before flipping me over and pounding into me over and over until we’re both completely breathless and screaming each other’s names.
I’m lying in his arms in the darkness of my room, and I feel happy for the first time in a long time. Then I think about his wife that is currently lying in a hospital bed and guilt washes over me.
“Holden?”
“Yeah?” he answers from beside me.
“Jane.”
I feel his chest rise from the deep breath he’s taking. “I know.”
“What’s going to happen?”
He shakes his head and raises his hand to rub his eyes. “I don’t know anymore, Hope.”
I put my hand under my head to elevate it enough to see him in the darkness. “I don’t want to lose you. I understand the position you’re in.”
He rolls to his side, pushing me over to my back so he can look down on me while his hand cups my face. “I’m married, but I’m not in love with her and she’s not in love with me. I told her I wanted a divorce two years ago, but she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants me to suffer right along with her.”
“But you just cheated on her.” Even saying the words makes me feel sick. I’m a home wrecker. I guess in more ways than one.
How could I allow this to happen? I’ve never been one to cheat. Never even thought about it. I didn’t think that I would be the other woman, the person to destroy a marriage. But I am. I ruined their marriage when Dean died, and now I’m wrecking it again by sleeping with Holden while his wife is in the hospital. The self-loathing is overwhelming. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Like I’m on a path that I can’t find my way off of.
“We have an open marriage.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “She doesn’t want me, but she’s afraid of letting me go.” He lands a kiss to my jaw. “I can’t sit back and watch her kill herself. I’ve watched it for too long already.” His lips trail down my neck, causing a shiver to crawl up my spine.
He rolls over to settle between my legs. “You’re so fucking perfect, Hope. I want you with everything I am, but I can’t help but to feel like I’m stealing you. Like I’m lying and cheating and doing everything that I shouldn’t to have you. You’re not mine, but I’ve taken you anyway.”
I place my hand on his jaw and tilt his head back so I can see the shadow of his face. “You didn’t take me. I came to you willingly.”
He lays his head on my chest as I tangle my fingers into his hair. “This never should have happened. We both know that, no matter how right it feels. But damnit, I want you regardless.” He lifts his head and presses his lips to mine. It stirs my emotions more than they already are.
We make love several more times throughout the night. We’re not able to get enough of the other. That, or we’re both afraid that if we stop, we won’t ever get it again. If I allow myself to think of Dean, who knows what kind of emotions I have waiting for me. So I don’t think of anything but Holden and the ways he touches me.
In the morning, I wake with him standing in the middle of the room, pulling his clothes on. He pauses when he sees my eyes open. “Hey, I was trying not to wake you.” I see shame written on his face. Is it because he was trying to sneak out, or is it leftover guilt from the mind blowing sex we had all night long?
I don’t think about it as I sit up, allowing the blanket to fall from my naked chest. “Are you leaving?”
He pulls his leather jacket on and sits on the edge of the bed at my side to pull on his boots. “I have to go back to the hospital and see what’s going on with Jane.”
My heart fills with fear. “Are you going to tell her about us?”
His eyes fall to the floor. “I haven’t decided yet. I feel like if I don’t, I’m hiding it. But I don’t want to tell her anything that could make things worse for her right now. She’s given me her permission to see other people, but I can’t keep living like this. What she’s done, it’s the last straw. A divorce is coming and it has nothing to do with you. I just need to figure out when would be a good time to tell her.”
I completely understand what he’s saying. He doesn’t want to hide me from Jane, but he can’t tell her anything that could possibly make her hurt herself again. She’s not in a good place right now.
I look up at him from beneath my lashes. “When will I see you again?”
He takes my hand in his, his thumb lightly rubs circles on my skin. “I don’t know, Hope. I think we both need to take some time to think about what we’re doing here, who we could hurt.”
Here it comes. He’s feeling guilty, maybe even ashamed of what we’ve done. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I hold them back.
“Hope, please understand. I want you, I do. But we can’t just jump into this. We need to take our time and sort things out. I mean, have you even thought about telling your parents what we’re doing? Do you think they will understand?”
I look up a
t his eyes. “I haven’t thought of anything other than the way you make me feel. Everything else be damned. Don’t we deserve to be happy?”
He lifts my hand and places a kiss to my wrist. “We do, but we need to think about this. I mean, I don’t know about you, but this whole thing is fucking up my head. I’ve known you since you were a little kid. When I think of it like that, I feel fucking sick. You were going to marry my son. It’s just wrong. Nobody will understand.” He drops my hand and stands, moving toward the door.
“I don’t care if anyone understands,” I say with his hand on the knob, knowing he’s about to walk out. I don’t know when he will walk back in again and that scares me.
He pauses and looks at the floor. “I’ve got too much going on right now. My wife is in the hospital after she attempted suicide, I need to concentrate on that right now. I need to make sure she will be okay. I need to make sure she gets the help she needs so we can both move on. You’re not a child anymore, Hope. Please understand that this is about more than just us.” He opens the door and walks through it, leaving me alone.
I’ve never felt so alone.
Chapter 15
I hated leaving her like that, but my head is a fucking mess. I can’t bring her into my fucked up world. She’s better off without me. I knew that before I even went over there last night, but I couldn’t help myself. She’s so fucking beautiful. She’s like an angel who’s been sent to hell to rescue me. But she’s an angel, she doesn’t belong in my hell.
It would be best for her if I never saw her again. I can’t fuck up her life any more than I already have. I allowed myself to feel a little piece of hope last night, thinking that we could actually work out. But in the bright light of the day, it was staring me right in the face. This couldn’t ever work out. She’s still in love with my son. Her parents would probably disown her. My wife would hate the both of us. I will ruin her life.
I can only hope that she sees the truth about me. I’m no good for her.
I climb out of my Jeep and walk into the hospital. The smell of disinfectant stings my nose, but I ignore it while I walk to Jane’s room. I stop outside, looking into her window.
She’s lying in bed, looking toward the window. God only knows what she sees. But I guarantee she isn’t seeing the bright light of the day or the trees blowing in the wind. She’s lost to whatever world she has created in that head of hers. Probably one where Dean is still alive.
I place my hand on the doorknob, but before I can twist it, her doctor is back at my side.
“Mr. Brantford, I’d like to speak to you about your wife and her treatment plan.”
I take a deep breath and nod before he leads me in the direction of his office.
“Please, have a seat,” he says as he takes his place behind his desk.
“How’s Jane doing today?” I take a seat across from him, crossing my ankle over my knee.
“Physically, she’s doing well. Mentally, I don’t know. She won’t talk to anyone. All she does is stare out the window and sleep. Is this normal for her? Does she stay withdrawn a lot?”
I nod. “She hardly ever talks to me. I’m lucky if I can get a few sentences out of her a day.”
His gray brows, that match his hair, furrow as the wrinkles around his green eyes deepen with judgement. “And you never thought to bring her in before she hurt herself?”
Anger washes over me. “I’ve tried talking her into getting help for years. She’s been seeing doctor after doctor. All they want to do is give her more damn drugs! Don’t you fucking blame me.” I point my finger in his face as I stand, stress and anxiety pumping through me. “I’ve begged and pleaded with her. She’s an adult, I couldn’t force her to go! What was I supposed to do? Pick her up and throw her over my shoulder to get her here?”
He holds up his hand, palm facing me as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to seem as if I was blaming you. Please sit back down.” He gestures toward the chair I just shot out of.
I don’t. No way can I sit down after that shit. I start pacing instead.
Once he’s realizes that I’m too pissed to sit, he continues. “Did you ever believe that she would hurt herself? Can you think of anything that may have triggered it?”
“Of course I never thought she would hurt herself. If I did, I never would have been able to leave her alone.” I start thinking back, trying to think of what could have triggered it. Hope. I mentioned Hope. “I mentioned the girl that our son was with when he died.”
He looks up at me. “Mentioned her how?”
I shrug as I pace, needing to burn off some steam. “I told her that I ran into her. That she was still living in the past and that I was going to try and help her.”
“And you think hearing her name is what caused her to attempt taking her own life?”
“I don’t know. I think, in her own way, she blames Hope for Dean’s death.” I never admitted that out loud before. And now that I do, it makes me realize without a shadow of a doubt, me and Hope, we’d never work. Jane would never allow it. I mean, look what she did just hearing her name.
Anger sets in and takes hold. I’m damn near shaking from it. I can’t sit in his office and answer questions about my mentally ill wife that I tried to get away from years ago. I’ve watched her drive herself crazy. I can’t let her take me down with her. I need to distance myself.
I walk angrily to her room. I open the door and step inside. She doesn’t flinch or look up when I shut the door rather loudly behind me.
I walk around her bed and stand directly in her line of sight. “Jane, we need to talk.”
She doesn’t even blink.
“I know you can hear me, Jane.”
She blinks like my voice is bringing her back to this world instead of the one she’s been living in. Her bloodshot eyes find mine.
“We need to talk.” I grab a chair and pull it to the side of her bed. The metal legs scape off the floor as I do so, but she doesn’t even move. When I’m directly in front of her, her eyes follow me as I sit down. “You promised, Jane. You promised that you would try to get better. Why’d you try to kill yourself last night?” I’m trying my hardest to keep my voice level. I know if I show any anger or annoyance, she will shut down.
She shrugs one shoulder. “I can’t do it anymore. I just want to be with him.” There is no emotion behind her words. It’s like every feeling other than depression has been sucked out of her. Her eyes don’t hold the same shine they used to. Her voice is dull and raspy from going long periods of time without talking. And her cheeks are hollow while her skin is so pale it’s almost transparent.
I let out a long breath. “He’s gone, Jane. I said I would stay with you, but you had to try. You’re not trying. Do you even care for me at all anymore?”
“I don’t love you anymore, Holden. I can’t love anyone. And I don’t have the energy to try. I wish I could say I’m sorry for putting you through this, but I’m not. I feel nothing but pain and a constant reminder that I’ve lost my son.” Her eyes close like she just doesn’t have the energy to talk anymore.
I don’t even remember driving home. But here I am, sitting in my office chair with a drink in my hand. I’ve drunk more these past two days than I’ve drank in a year. But I have this anger that won’t leave. I have a hole in my heart that leaks blood every time it beats. I can’t shake the aggression I feel every time I think of Jane trying to kill herself, or when I think of how I took what I wanted from Hope and left her confused and even more broken than when I found her.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the reason these people are hurting. I do my best to make them better, but it seems all I do is hurt them more. Maybe if I wasn’t here, my wife of twenty years wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed right now. Maybe Hope would have found someone else in the bar that night. Someone that would’ve been able to help her, not just steal from her. That’s all I’ve done. I’m a greedy bastard that took another piece of her, a piece she can’t afford
to give.
Anger washes over me and without thinking, I pick up my desk chair and send it flying toward the window. The glass shatters and breaks before the chair falls through, hitting the ground outside. I grab what’s left of my whiskey off the desk and finish it before tossing the empty glass out of the window as well.
I have no idea where I’m going, but I grab my keys off the desk and head for the door. Just as I swing it open, I’m face to face with Hope.
A knocking on the door draws me out of my dead sleep. “Jane, get the door!” I yell, too lazy to get up.
The house is silent.
Fuck.
I push myself to my feet and swing open the door. Hope is standing on the other side.
“Hope?” I rub my hands over my tired eyes, trying to wake up.
She doesn’t say anything. She just leaps toward me, wrapping her arms around my chest. I hold my arms out to the side, not quite sure what’s going on.
“Are you okay, Hope? What’s going on?” My arms are still out, not touching her, but I look down to see the top of her dark hair.
“Dean and I got into a fight,” she says around sobs.
I let out a long breath. “Come inside and tell me what’s going on.”
She releases me and walks inside while I hold the door open for her.
She sits down on the couch and I sit beside her. “What happened? When I saw you two yesterday in the pool, you seemed fine.”
She nods as she wipes the tears from her cheeks. “It’s so stupid. I asked Dean what time he was picking me up for the Homecoming dance and he said he wasn’t going this year because he had to work. I was so angry. We had been planning on going, I already bought my dress and everything. I asked him why he picked up a shift when he knew it was homecoming and he said because he didn’t want to go.”
“Well that doesn’t sound like him. Did something happen to change his mind?”
Wrapped in Hope: A Forbidden Romance (The Hope Series Book 1) Page 11
