“Are you sure? You’ve made such progress lately. I don’t want to set you back on your road to recovery.”
“No, I think it will be good for me. It’s the final step really. I’ve always avoided that place. It will be nice to have some closure.”
“Okay. I’ll let them know. They are planning on going this Saturday. Can you make it home?”
“It’s not a problem, Dad. I’ll talk to you later and I’ll see you Saturday.”
“I love you, pumpkin.”
“Love you too, Dad.” I hang up the phone with shaking hands.
I push myself forward, refusing to think about anything right now. I always think much more clearer when I work out. I head straight to the gym.
I change from my work clothes to the spare set of gym clothes I keep in my locker and head for the treadmill. I put my earbuds in my ears and blare the music as loud as it will go. I don’t want to hear the weights clanking together. I don’t want to hear the people around me. I only want to hear the loud music and the sound of the blood rushing my ears.
I run as fast and as long as I can. My legs feel like jelly, my lungs burn for more oxygen, and my mouth is so dry I couldn’t spit if you paid me. I’m completely worn out from school, work, and my run. I know when my head hits the pillow tonight, there will be nothing stopping me from a good night’s rest. And that’s the way I like it.
Once everyone finishes eating, we’re all in the pool. The adults are floating around with drinks in their hand on one end, and Dean and I are on the other with a raft between us. My mom and dad are laughing and talking. My dad says something that causes her to splash at him playfully. But my dad dunks under quickly, causing Holden to get all the water. He turns around with a wide smile that makes my breath catch. His black hair is wet and hanging down over his eyes. He smooths it back and the sunlight hits his blue-green eyes, making them sparkle.
He points at my mom in a joking manner, and says something that causes her to dash for the side of the pool. My dad and Jane laugh as he chases her out. Seeing him soaking wet and only wearing a pair of swim short has my stomach tightening. His chest and stomach are covered in rippling muscles, and when he picks my mom up, his biceps flex.
She’s laughing and screaming, attempting to get away from him while he walks closer to the edge. Suddenly, he throws her in. My dad and Jane cheer him on as she pops above water and splashes at him.
I can’t hear a word they are saying. It’s like watching a movie with the sound off. I can only watch Holden. He’s mesmerizing. My eyes feel drawn to him. He looks over at us and his smile fades when his eyes lock on mine. I see his Adam’s apple bob in his throat and his abs tighten. Does he know what I’m thinking right now?
He quickly turns away, jumping back into the pool. I don’t look away as I wait for him to surface. When he does, he’s looking right at me again. I’m breathless, my lips part, trying to take in more oxygen. I don’t know why, but I feel this pull like my body belongs in his hands.
I know looking at a man that is the same age as my dad should be a turn off, but it isn’t. His body is so much more than what I’m used to seeing. Dean has muscles, but they are softer and smaller. They don’t bulge and flex the way Holden’s do. I want to reach out and touch him, feel how hard they are.
He doesn’t look old the way my dad does. He looks mature and more refined. He’s not a boy. He’s a man. And a part of me longs to see what that’s like.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” Dean ask.
I quickly jerk my head back to look at him. “The adults over there are getting a little drunk I think.”
Saturday approaches quickly and it’s time to start freaking out. All week I refused to think about this day. Seeing Dean’s grave and seeing Holden with his wife, acting like no time has passed, may be more than my heart can stand. It’s something I have to do though. I need to let Dean go forever. I need to see Holden and his wife together so that maybe I can let him go as well.
I borrow Jen’s car and make the hour drive out of the city. When I turn onto our road, memories flood over me. A month ago when I drove to Holden’s house, I refused to look around. I didn’t want to see the past and be reminded of Dean. But now, I try to remember the both of us driving down this road, his beautiful smile, and the love he made me feel: only the good things.
I pull up at my parents’ house and step out of the car, looking over at Holden’s. Their house looks as it always has: neatly mowed yard and perfect flower beds along the front. There’s one difference though. A for sale sign in the yard. They’re selling their house.
I try not to think about what that means as I make my way inside. My mom is rushing around half dressed, and my father has his tie loosened as he sits in the recliner.
“Hi, pumpkin.”
“Hi, Dad,” I reply as I sit down on the couch, feeling more and more let down. Holden and Jane got back together. Their house is for sale. They must be moving away together. Not only will I not have Holden, but I won’t even be able to see him anymore either.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” He looks at me with concern etched on his face, causing wrinkles to form around his dark eyes.
I nod once. “As ready as I’ll ever be. What time are we supposed to be there?”
He looks at his watch. “Two o’clock.”
I look up at the wall clock and see that I have exactly thirty minutes. Thirty minutes until I’m face to face with Dean’s grave and the man I can never have again. My heart starts pounding in my chest and I need an escape.
“I’m going to head up to my room to change. I didn’t have any of my nice clothes at school with me.”
He nods but doesn’t pull his eyes from the game he’s watching.
I walk up the stairs and turn right down the hall. I pause in the hallway at my room. It’s been four years since I’ve set foot in this room. Threats of Dean’s memory linger just beyond this varnished wood.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hoping to clear out all the anxiety I’m feeling already.
I push the door open and walk into my room. Everything is just how I left it. The calendar that Dean wrote on that marked our day to begin our future is still hanging on the wall, all of the pictures of us together still in their rightful place. It’s like a time warp. I look over each and every one, and instead of feeling sadness, I smile at the fond memories.
After I look everything over, I open my closet and I take out the white dress I’m going to wear. I pull it on and it fits better than it used to. I bought this dress when I was eighteen to wear to a banquet for honor roll students. However I came down with the flu and never got a chance to wear it until now.
The dress is sleeveless and tight across my chest and stomach. The skirt is loose and flowing until it ends just above my knees. It’s not sexy or revealing, but classy. I chose this dress because Dean loved it. I know most people wear black to things like this, but I prefer white because this is my new beginning. It’s not a dark day for me. I want the light of my future to be reflected all around me.
I let my long, dark hair flow around me and add a touch of makeup. I smear on a light coat of pink shimmering lip-gloss and add a little mascara and blush before slipping my feet into a pair of white flats.
I stand to look myself over just as someone taps on my door. “Are you ready, pumpkin?” my dad asks.
I turn around to face him. “I’m ready.”
He holds out his arm and I walk to his side. “You look beautiful,” he says with a kiss to the top of my head.
Chapter 19
“Jane, I love that you’re getting the help you need, but these last five years can’t be undone. There is a gap between us that I don’t think I can bridge. As much as I’d love to tell you that I want to work on us, I know that I can’t give you myself completely, and that wouldn’t be fair to you. I think the best thing for both of us is to accept the past and move on separately. I love you and always will, but if all this ti
me spent alone has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not in love with you any longer.”
She nods her head as she takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry that this is what we have become. I’m sorry for ruining this and wasting the past five years of your life.” Her eyes tear.
I lean forward and pull her to me, wrapping my arms around her. “I’m not. I don’t regret being there for you. It wasn’t a waste, look how well you’re doing now.”
She pulls away, wiping her tear away. “I wish I could’ve accepted this sooner. You’ve been asking me for a divorce for a while now. I think it’s time I honor your wishes.”
I feel my heart pound harder. “I’ll always be here for you, Jane. I want you to know that. Just because we’re finally accepting this and moving on with our lives doesn’t change that.”
She rubs her hand up and down my arm. “I know and I appreciate it, Holden. Not many men would have held on as long as you did. I owe you so much.”
I take her hand in mine. “You don’t owe me anything. Just get better, that’s all I ask.”
Jane has spent the last month in a mental facility so she could get the help she needs, but today is the day she’s being released. I drive over to pick her up in her car, hoping to surround her with things she loves for added comfort.
Over the past month, we filed for divorce and put the house up for sale. She plans on moving to Texas to be with her family, but I’m staying here. I couldn’t stand to live in my family’s home with them gone. I can’t be surrounded by the memories of the past. It’s time to make new ones.
I’ve found a small apartment that is good enough for me. Truth be told, I’m not ready to move on. My shop is here and doing well. Not to mention, I still haven’t settled things with Hope. Each and every day, I pick up the phone to call her or find myself heading toward the city to see her. But I always hang up the phone or turn around, not allowing myself to wreck her life again.
When I get Jane home, she walks in the front door and looks around the place like she’s seeing it for the first time in a long time. I set her bags down on the table. “Are you doing okay?”
She smiles and nods with tears in her eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just now that I know I’m leaving, this is all a little bittersweet.”
“Take your time adjusting. I’m going to start some dinner. Anything you’re in the mood for?”
She seems to think it over for a few seconds. “I’d love to have some of your meatloaf. It’s been years.”
I offer a kind smile and nod. “Meatloaf it is.” I leave her standing alone in the living room while I head to the kitchen to start dinner.
Most of the house has been packed up already. But all the appliances are staying on the property. Jane doesn’t want much of anything. She’s taking a few personal items and a couple of Dean’s things, but she plans on buying all new in an attempt to put this place and our past behind her.
Once the meatloaf is in the oven, I go in search for her. I’m still a little worried to leave her alone. I want to make sure being back here doesn’t cause her to have another break down.
I walk through the house until I find her sitting on Dean’s bed, hugging his pillow. I lean against the doorframe and look over the room I haven’t set foot in in five years.
“You haven’t packed up this room yet.”
I shrug. “I figured you might want one last look at it how it was before I did anything with it.”
She smiles, tears streaming down her face. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Jane. Anything to help you get better.”
She drops the pillow as she stands and takes a few steps near me. “No. I mean thank you for everything. For giving me my boy, for being a wonderful husband and father, for trying to help me and waiting for me for five years. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband.”
It feels like heat is beginning to escape my face. Why couldn’t this have happened years ago? A part of me still loves Jane and always will, but I’m not in love with her anymore. Those five years in hell squashed any romantic feelings I had for her. With all that being said, I just want her healthy and happy. I want us both to move on with our lives and remain friends.
“You have nothing to thank me for.” I walk further into the room and look at the pictures lining the dresser. There is one of him and Hope together on prom night. He looks so happy standing by her side. His blue-green eyes are shining so bright and he has a wide but crooked smile. My eyes move on to Hope. She looks so young and innocent here. Her dark hair is pulled up on top of her head, and she’s beaming her best smile. She looks nothing like this anymore. She’s grown and changed so much. It makes me wonder how much Dean would’ve changed.
“Is there anything you want to take with you from in here? If so, you should take it to your room so I don’t pack it up by mistake.”
She looks at everything one last time. “I don’t think so. I already have all our family pictures. You’re more than welcome to look through them to take some for yourself. But all this stuff… it isn’t him. It’s just stuff. It won’t make him feel any closer.”
Her answer surprises me. I remember a month after his death I tried packing up his belongings, thinking that the constant reminder wasn’t helping her. She walked in and caught me with a box as I was emptying out his desk. She yelled and cried. She hit me and threw things. I ended up having to wrap my arms around her and take her down to the floor until she calmed down.
“I’ll wait to pack this room last in case you change your mind. I’m going to go check on dinner.” I leave her in the room, feeling a little lighter.
“This is amazing,” Jane gushes from across the table as we sit quietly eating dinner.
“Thank you.”
She wipes her mouth and places her napkin in her lap. “So how are things going with you and the woman you’ve been seeing?”
I nearly choke on my food. “You really want to talk about that?”
She shrugs. “We haven’t been a married couple for a very long time. I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I agree with you; it’s best if we both go our separate ways. I need a clean break to start over. And I want to know you’re happy.”
I swallow the bite I just took and lean back in my chair. “I haven’t talked to her in a month.”
“Why not?” she asks with wide eyes.
“We were moving too fast. I was concerned about you and just felt like everything was falling apart. I just needed to step back. With everything going on… I’m no good for her.”
She seems a little taken back. “Holden Joseph Brantford! I don’t ever want to hear you say that about yourself again. How could you even think that way? You’re a better man than most, and whoever this woman is, you deserve her if she makes you happy.”
I laugh. “How can you say that?”
She picks up her fork to take a bite, but puts it back down with my question. “You’re a good man. You work hard, you try to take care of everything and everyone. I mean, look what you did for me. Not just anyone could hang on as long as you did, you know?”
“She’s probably moved on by now anyway.”
She trains her green eyes on mine and there is nothing but honesty shining beneath them. “Go get her, Holden. You deserve to be happy after all these years.”
I don’t reply because I can’t. Would she be telling me the same thing if she knew the woman was Hope? I doubt it. Hope and me, we’re done. I haven’t even heard from her since she walked out on me that day.
Thinking about that day makes me remember what we did on this very table. My eyes flash over to the wall I had her pressed against and it’s like I can still feel her soft skin on mine. I can still taste her and smell her. It makes my heart call for her more than it has all month. That call is getting harder and harder to ignore.
After I clean up after dinner, I find Jane relaxing by the fire place. “Are you going to be okay alone here tonight? I can stay if you need me.”
She offers a kind smi
le. “No, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
She nods. “I’m sure. Why don’t you go find her?”
I shake my head. “That’s done. I’m only a call away. If you need anything at all, please call.”
She nods before turning her attention back to the fireplace. “There is something I need.”
“What’s that?”
“I need to say goodbye to Dean.”
I walk over and sit in the chair beside her. “What do you mean?”
“I want us all to go to his grave together.”
“Who’s all of us?”
She’s looking at the fire as she says, “me, you, and Hope.”
“Hope? Why Hope?”
Her eyes flash to mine. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’ve treated her unfairly. I was never her biggest fan when she and Dean were together. And then after the accident, I sort of blamed her for his death. I know it wasn’t fair, but it was easier for me if there was someone to blame. I need to tell her I’m sorry and that it wasn’t her fault.”
I nod, completely understanding. “I’ll call Gary tomorrow and see if they can get ahold of her.”
“Maybe after we go to the cemetery we can come back here and cook out like we all used to. You know, one final party.”
I stand and kiss her on the top of her head. “Sounds perfect. I’ll come by tomorrow.” I walk out in a hurry, trying to run from something that can’t be escaped.
Hope.
I’m going to have to see her.
Jane and I are standing at Dean’s grave when I see movement from the corner of my eye. I turn my head to see Gary, Lisa, and Hope. The moment I take her in, I’m hit with an explosion of emotion. I want to go to her, pull her against me, and tell her how fucking sorry I am. I want to kiss her breathless, make sure she understands that I want her with every fucking piece of myself and that I never meant to hurt her. Spending this month alone, knowing that she was out there and wanting me, it was one of the hardest times of my life. Having to deny myself every day of the one thing my heart and body called for has slowly stolen pieces of my soul — pieces that she holds in her hands.
Wrapped in Hope: A Forbidden Romance (The Hope Series Book 1) Page 14
