Holding my breath is the only thing that is keeping me from bursting into tears. My body feels dragged down and tired, even though I’ve slept more this past week than any other. I have to force every step I take.
I have to force everything.
I sit quietly in an uncomfortable chair and stare at the forest-green carpet. I can’t look around at her friends and family falling apart. Just thinking about having to talk to someone about the good times Katie and I shared brings tears to my eyes. I don’t want to talk about her like she’s gone. Because to me, she isn’t gone. She lives on with me every day.
As everyone files out, I accidentally look up at the big framed picture of her. Her blonde hair is hanging down around her face in loose waves, her blue eyes are bright and happy, and she looks completely carefree, the way she always did. A sob makes its way up my throat as my eyes flood with tears.
My dad puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me out of the door and to the car. I slide into the backseat and rest my forehead against the window, watching everyone in their black clothes cling to one another on the sidewalk. Tears flow from their red, bloodshot eyes down their flushed cheeks. I see her mom fall to her knees in a grieving fit while her dad tries to pull her back up to her feet.
My heart cracks just a little more.
Chapter Three
My dad follows the line of cars to Katie’s childhood home. With the plane crash, her parents opted to have her cremated, meaning no cemetery. I couldn’t be more relieved. I can’t imagine my best friend spending the rest of eternity there. She belongs with her family.
We pull up to the big, brick house, and park in the circle drive. I lean over and look out my window at the house that’s home to so many of my childhood memories. I stayed here as often as I could growing up. I don’t know if I can set foot in there and survive the assault of unwanted sadness that is sure to come.
My dad opens my door and I step out of the backseat. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asks, taking my arm in his.
I shake my head but push on.
“Your mom said to call if you need anything. She wanted to be here today, but I think a part of her feels like she lost a daughter of her own.”
I hear his words but I don’t feel them or respond. Right now, I’m only thinking about pushing forward. The last time I was here was Christmas. We had dinner with Katie’s family, and sat around the tree opening gifts and singing carols while her mom played along on the piano.
The closer we get to the red front door the harder my heart pounds. I can hear it in my ears above all else. My breathing is shallow, and my head begins to swim.
I pull my arm away from my dad, and my feet stop moving.
He turns to face me. “Are you okay? Do you want to leave?” Concern is etched on his face, creating deep wrinkles to form around his blue-gray eyes.
I shake my head. “No, I just need a minute. Please, go ahead. I’ll be in soon.”
His head tilts to the side, silently asking if I’m sure, but I nod him on.
He joins the many other people walking inside while my feet begin to move backwards, away from the door.
When the last person has walked in, I turn and head into the back yard. I walk across the lush, green grass and sit down on the old wooden swing hanging from the big oak tree.
I grasp the ropes tightly in my hands, holding on for dear life. I’m still dizzy as tears begin to swell in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I don’t know if I can do this without you. You were the brave one, not me,” I whisper.
The back sliding glass door opens, drawing my attention up. A guy with blond hair walks through, holding two glasses. I try not to stare, but he demands my attention. His hair is long on top with a part on the side that fades down to a buzz. His blue eyes are bright, but they also seem clouded and bloodshot like he’s had to deal with too much stress today as well. He’s tall and lean, but looks strong as he walks closer to me.
I turn and look around the yard, wondering if he’s going to have both those drinks himself or if there is someone else out here that I didn’t know about. I see nothing but the perfectly manicured lawn and flower beds.
When I turn back to look at the blond god, he’s standing right in front of me, towering over me as he holds out a drink.
His closeness makes me buzz as I look up into his deep blue eyes. “Thank you,” I all but whisper as I accept the drink he’s offering.
He nods without a word and leans his shoulder against the tree. I raise the glass to my nose and smell the alcohol before taking a sip. It burns my throat as it goes down, and I cough.
I hear him chuckle beside me and I look at him, smiling weakly before turning back to my drink.
Neither of us are talking, we’re just enjoying the quiet. His proximity makes my heart hammer away, making me feel nervous, but also calming me somehow. Just having someone with me makes me feel a little more at ease. Someone who understands my need for space.
I tip the glass to my lips again, swallowing the contents in one big gulp.
“You may want to take it easy with that stuff. It’s a little strong.” His deep, raspy voice cuts through the silence, almost making me jump.
“That’s exactly what I need right now.” I look into the bottom of the empty glass, wishing for more. Above all else, I just want to be numb right now, just a few minutes to escape the pain and anguish of this day.
He walks a few steps closer and kneels down at my side. He places his drink on the ground and pulls a flask from his jacket pocket. I hold out my glass while he pours me a little more.
After he pours my refill, he takes his place at the tree again.
I want to ask who he is, but I don’t even have the strength to talk at this point. The whole week has been weighing on me, this day the most.
I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my back and shoulders like the sculpture of Atlas. The only difference is, I’m not big and strong. I’m not brave enough to take it all on. I’m small and weak. I feel the weight of it all pressing down on me, ready to make me collapse. I’m tired of the stress, the loneliness, and the pain.
I swirl the amber liquid in my glass and finish the drink. I stand to go inside so I can find my dad. I can’t stand to be here anymore, surrounded by her childhood home and happy memories.
When I stand, the guy leaning against the tree stands upright. I feel dizzy as I walk across the uneven ground to him. I hold out the empty glass for him to take.
“Thank you. I really needed that.”
He offers up a breathtaking smile and nods before taking the glass.
Kiss a stranger. I hear it like it was whispered in the wind.
Without thinking, I close the distance between us in two steps, and press my mouth to his. A spark shoots through me the second we touch. I place my hand on the side of his angular jaw as our lips and tongues glide against the others.
I can taste the liquor on him, and his deep, rich scent surrounds me.
I pull away and look up at his bright blue eyes. Something is brewing behind them, but my embarrassment has gotten the best of me so I don’t stick around to ask him anything. I turn and quickly walk away from him with heat radiating from my face and ears.
“You’re lucky I love you, Katie,” I whisper as I walk into the house through the sliding glass door.
The elegant house is littered with flowers that have been sent by their loved ones, and every square inch of the place is occupied by a grieving guest – a constant reminder of loss.
I try not to think too much about them as I navigate through the rooms, searching for my dad. I finally find him talking with Katie’s father, George, in the study.
“Hi, cupcake,” he says when he sees me walk in.
I offer a sad smile as I go to stand at his side.
“How are you, Jovi?” George asks. His blond hair is disheveled and turning white, and his blue eyes are surrounded in deep wrinkles, making him appear older tha
n he really is.
I shrug. “Not so great. How is Mrs. Hansen holding up?”
I see his eyes water, but he refuses to let the tears fall. “Not very well. She came home and went directly to bed.”
I place my hand over his that is resting on the desk. “I’m sorry for everything.”
He nods and quickly pulls me in for a hug. “You’re welcome here any time. Please visit, you’re like another daughter to us.”
I step away and nod. “Thank you, Mr. Hansen.”
“Are you ready to go?” Dad asks me.
I nod before he tells George goodbye. As we turn to leave, George calls out my name.
“Oh, Jovi.”
I spin around to face him. “Yes?”
“I have something for you. I was going to give it to you at the funeral, but I couldn’t stand to leave my wife.” He reaches into the inner pocket of his suit jacket and pulls out something shiny. He holds it in the palm of his hand.
I step closer and see a silver necklace with a small glass charm. Inside the charm is swirls that looks like sand.
"We used some of her ashes to have this made for you. We knew you'd want to carry a piece of her with you."
Tears are building up on the brim of my eyes, threatening to overflow and spill down my heated face. With a shaking hand, I reach out and take the necklace. "Thank you so much," I say, almost in a gasp.
I hold the charm in my hand with the chain dangling down between my fingers. It’s so beautiful. In the center of the charm looks to be a small, pink flower with the ashes swirling around it. I clutch it to my chest as I lean in for a hug.
He squeezes me close. “I meant what I said. Please come visit. I don’t think Mary could stand losing you too.”
I pull away and wipe my tears, looking up to see him wiping away his own. “I will,” I promise.
When I get home, the first thing I do is grab Katie’s list and mark off “kiss a stranger.” I smile to myself as I do so. This list is a piece of Katie. The only piece I have left.
The booze I drank earlier has caused a relaxing feeling to wash over me. It’s also given me a false sense of bravery. I look over the list to see if there is anything else I can check off tonight.
“Eat spicy food. Get a haircut I’d never get. Dance in public.” I laugh.
I’m not feeling up to eating, and maybe I shouldn’t pick a random haircut after I’ve been drinking. But dance in public? That I can do. Or at least, try to do. I’ve already taken the first step anyway by drinking enough to not care.
I look up at the white ceiling tiles. “I hope you’re up there laughing your ass off right now.”
I toss the list to the side and move toward my closet to change. I pull on a black, sequined dress and pair it with high heeled ankle boots. I let my hair down and it flows around me in loose waves. My makeup still looks okay, so I head towards the door.
Twenty minutes later, I’m walking into the dance club that Katie always dragged me to. I figured this would be better than a bar. Clubs always have a mass of people dancing. Maybe nobody will notice me.
I head straight for the bar, and try blending into a darkened corner while the multicolored lights flash around. When the bartender finds me, I order a drink and sit down to work up the courage I need to get out on the dance floor.
My nerves keep bubbling up, but every time they do, I wash them down with more alcohol. My eyelids feel heavy by my third drink, and I feel myself relax even more. I’m watching everyone dance when Sorry by Justin Bieber comes on. Katie loved him. I know this is my sign.
I take a deep breath and push away from the bar. I’m practically shaking as I walk under the flashing lights, towards the swaying bodies. I find an area in the back, in a dark corner where there’s less people, and start to sway my hips. I feel completely awkward and out of place, but I have to do this.
I have to finish this list and make her proud. I close my eyes so I can’t see the faces that surround me, this makes it much easier. I listen to the loud music pulsing through the club and try to envision that it’s just me and Katie dancing in my living room. My arms seem to rise automatically as I spin and dance around to the beat of the music.
A smile forms on my face as I twirl beneath the flashing lights. My heart feels lighter somehow and my skin warms like I’m standing in the sun light. An unexpected tingling forms in the pit of my stomach that makes me open my eyes. I see the blond mystery guy from earlier.
He’s standing on the opposite end of the dance floor, but he has his sights set on me. His eyes rake over my body unabashedly and his sexy lips, that taste delicious, begin to turn up in a smile. I feel embarrassment wash over me.
My body stops moving as he draws closer. I never would have kissed him earlier if I had known that I would have to see him again. As he corners me, my heart pounds harder.
I stand unmoving on the crowded dance floor, watching as he stalks toward me. Our eyes never break their connection as he closes the distance.
I can’t hear anything over my own heart as he stops directly in front of me. His chest is practically touching mine as I look up at him. I think he’s going to say something, but instead he leans in and kisses me. His lips collide with mine and his tongue snakes out to taste me. I open willingly for him. The kiss we shared earlier was only the tip of the iceberg. He gives me so much more than he did earlier.
His hands cover either side of my face while he tastes me. I grab onto his shirt and pull him closer, getting lost in this feeling he’s stirring inside of me.
What am I doing? This isn’t me. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m changing.
His hands fall to my hips, and he moves against me, never breaking the kiss. After a few more seconds with his mouth against mine, I pull away and look up at him.
His blue eyes have darkened and his lips are red and glistening from our kiss. I want to ask him why he kissed me, why he’s dancing with me, how he found me, but I don’t. I don’t want to ruin this moment with talking. I just want to feel, be carefree, even if only for a short time.
I turn and rub against him. His fingertips dig into my hips as he dances behind me. I feel him grow hard, and it shoots a wave of pleasure low in my belly that makes my flesh sticky.
I want him.
But I don’t know him.
I don’t even know his name.
The perfect person for a one-night stand.
I push the thought away immediately. I can’t do this.
I shake my head, trying to clear it of all the confusion as I pull myself from his grasp, walking off the dance floor.
I can feel him watching me as I get further away, but I don’t turn back.
I need a drink. I need to clear my head. All this stress and heartache is getting to me. I would never make these decisions if I was in my right mind. Hell, I wouldn’t even be here right now.
I kissed him earlier. I did it for the list, but I wasn’t expecting to actually feel something.
Seeing him again, in the darkness of this club, not knowing his name, only makes me want him more. He’s dark and mysterious, and that makes him dangerous. Something I’ve never been attracted to before.
I order a strong drink and throw it back the second it’s in my hand. I set the glass on the bar and when I turn around, he’s standing right beside me. He looks over at me with something in his eyes I can’t place.
He leans in close and his scent drifts my way, causing this fog to settle over me. “Why’d you walk away?”
I swallow down the fear that’s bubbling up my throat. “I’m just confused.”
His eyes bore into mine like he’s searching for something. “What confuses you?”
“Everything. Why this happened. Why I’m here. Why you have taken such an interest in me.”
He gives me a lopsided grin. “I took an interest in you because I can see you’re in as much pain as I’m in. I thought we could keep our mind off it awhile, together.”
His hot breath blowing ac
ross my neck causes a shiver to run through me, goosebumps break out across my skin.
“I don’t even know who you are.”
He waves down the bartender and motions between the two of us. “And I don’t know who you are.”
The bartender places a new drink in front of us both. I pick it up and take a drink. “And that doesn’t bother you?”
He shakes his head before taking a drink. “Nope, the only thing that bothers me is how you obviously want this too, but you’re avoiding it…or too afraid of it.”
I feel like he’s insulted me. My back straightens and I square my shoulders. “I’m not afraid of you.”
He finishes his drink and turns to look at me. “You’re not afraid of me, but you are afraid to let yourself feel free for a while.”
I throw the rest of my drink back and turn my whole body in his direction. “That’s what you think? That I’m so uptight that I can’t even dance with a stranger?”
He shrugs. “I bet you wouldn’t know how to have a good time if it kicked you in the ass.”
My eyes squint before I rise to his challenge. I grab his hand and pull him back out to the center of the dance floor. When I turn to face him, he has a big smile that’s spreading across his face.
I place my arms around his neck and pull myself against him. He grabs hold of my hips and keeps me close. His hand snakes around my back and rests just above my ass. We’re locked into some sort of staring competition, so close that our lips are almost touching. His hot breath blows across my skin, and the way he’s moving against me feels too good. I find myself closing my eyes, enjoying the reactions he’s causing in me.
I’m completely unprepared when his lips touch mine. My eyes pop open before I relax and give into him. He’s pushing me and I know it. He wants to prove to me that I can’t have fun and be free. He’s going to push me to my limit, push me until I cave and run away. But I won’t. Not this time.
This time, it’s for Katie.
With a surge of bravery, I let my hand fall from his neck. It glides over his chest and down to his growing erection. I brush against it and the moment I do, his lips still as he sucks in a hissing breath.
Wrapped in Hope: A Forbidden Romance (The Hope Series Book 1) Page 23
