by Gwyneth Rees
‘It’s not the same at all,’ Bella had scoffed. ‘But then you’re such a baby. I should’ve known you wouldn’t understand!’
If she hadn’t had tears in her eyes as she spoke I might have argued back. Instead it struck me that she probably had a point. Yes, Sarah had been really important to me, but my family would always come first. Whereas if Bella had to choose between Sam and us at that moment … well, let’s just say I wasn’t so confident who would win.
By the start of July, Mum and Dad were having problems trying to find a new school for Bella. It didn’t help that she was sitting GCSEs next year and her predicted grades weren’t very good. That’s when Aunt Thecla stepped in and suggested we move to live near her and let her pay the fees for all three of us to go to the independent school she had attended herself. It was called St Clara’s and Aunt Thecla knew the headmistress there. Apparently they had places for all three of us for the coming school year.
‘Over my dead body!’ was Dad’s first response. ‘There’s no way on earth I’m going back to live in that village.’
‘Paul, let’s just go and have a look,’ Mum had said in her most persuasive voice. When Dad still refused to budge she’d said, ‘Think about it, Paul. It’s girls only. That means no boys to distract Bella. Or Libby and Grace when the time comes.’
That had sparked Dad’s interest a bit. Then Mum added, ‘We’d also be putting some distance between Bella and Sam.’
The following day Dad had called us all together. ‘Your mother and I have been thinking … we’re going to look at St Clara’s, and if we like it we’ll move. But we’re going to rent out our house here and rent a place in the village close to the school. A year will be long enough to get Bella through her GCSEs. Then if we decide not to stay we can just move back.’
I was about to protest that Bella wasn’t the only one in our family, and that just because I didn’t have any problems at school yet it didn’t mean I wouldn’t have if I had to keep moving around. But Mum gave me a look that promised she had no intention of moving back even if she wasn’t about to contradict Dad at this point. So I let it rest.
Everything happened super-fast after that. We went to visit St Clara’s, where we met with the headmistress, Mrs McLusky, and we were all offered places to start after the summer holiday. Mum managed to get herself some part-time work at the dental practice in the village, and Dad has his own business as a web designer working mainly from home, so that was fine.
I have to say that I’d half expected Bella to stage a sit-in at the last minute and totally refuse to leave our house. But after meeting Sam for lunch the day before we left she’d seemed surprisingly calm about things. Which just goes to show that Sam is actually a pretty good influence on her, rather than a disruptive one as Mum and Dad seem to think.
Chapter Three
Unfortunately, now that we were leaving, Mum and Dad would never get to see that side of Sam – the side that’s really kind and protective.
I thought back to when I’d first seen it myself. It was soon after our elderly cat Trixie died. I’d made a little wooden cross to mark the spot where Dad had buried her at the far end of our garden. As I sat by her grave one afternoon telling her how much I missed her I heard someone approaching and assumed it was Mum or Bella.
‘Hi, Libby,’ said an unexpected male voice, and I felt myself squirm as I realised Sam must have heard me talking to our dead cat.
‘Oh …’ I stood up abruptly. ‘Hi …’
Bella had only been going out with him for a few weeks and it was the third or fourth time he’d been round to our house. It was before he’d dropped out of his A levels so the only concrete thing Dad had against him at that point was that he’d been suspended from school for a week at the end of Year Eleven for calling our headmaster ‘useless and spineless’. (Dad said that even though it was true, it showed gross stupidity and immaturity to actually call the man that to his face.) There was also the fact that Sam was in the sixth form, whereas Bella was only in Year Ten. Dad has always had a big problem with that, even though the actual age difference is only fourteen months.
‘Hi,’ he said. ‘Bella said to come and give you this out here so your mum doesn’t see.’ As he spoke he handed me a framed photograph of Trixie. She was lying in her favourite spot in the sun on top of Bella’s bed. I immediately felt tears in my eyes. It was exactly how I wanted to remember her.
‘I gave a copy to Bella too,’ Sam said. ‘I took it the last time I came round.’ He looked a bit self-conscious as he added, ‘Listen, you can’t tell your parents I actually took those photos or they’ll know I was in Bella’s room, OK?’
I nodded. I really wished I could tell Mum and Dad about the photos so they would see for themselves how kind Sam could be. I knew I couldn’t though. Bella had been at home on her own that day and Sam wasn’t meant to have been here at all, let alone in Bella’s bedroom. I knew that Dad would go ballistic if he found out.
‘It’s lovely, Sam. Thank you,’ I murmured. I have to say I was pretty touched that he’d thought of me as well as Bella.
‘That’s OK. I know how bad it is to lose a pet you’ve grown up with.’
‘Has it happened to you?’ I asked softly.
He nodded. ‘I had a cat called Mabel. I got her when she was a kitten. Last year my mum gave her away without even asking me, just because she kept scratching the new carpet.’
‘Oh, Sam … that’s terrible.’ And that’s when I decided I liked him.
A few months later Dad did catch Bella and Sam alone in our house – though thankfully not in her bedroom. It happened one afternoon when Dad came home early from a meeting in town. It was Sam’s half-day and Bella had skipped school so she could hang out with him at our place. Dad was totally furious, especially with Sam. He accused him of being irresponsible and disobedient, and a few other things on top, before shoving him out the door. Later he went round to complain to Sam’s mother, who turned out to be less than helpful. (Apparently she said, ‘He’s not a child. He’s seventeen – the same age I was when I had him. You have a problem with him seeing your girl, then speak to him about it! And maybe you should speak to her at the same time!’)
‘Well, she’s got a point,’ Mum said when Dad reported back to her. ‘He’s not a child. Neither is Bella for that matter.’
‘They’re both still young enough to accept some parental guidance,’ Dad snapped, ‘though I can see that for Sam it’s not exactly abundant!’
‘Poor kid,’ Mum murmured.
For a moment Dad looked like he might be thinking the same, but then his face hardened. ‘We have to think about Bella and what’s best for her,’ he reminded Mum firmly. ‘The sooner she stops seeing him the better.’
I almost spoke up and told them that in my opinion splitting them up wasn’t actually in Bella’s best interests at all. But as usual I kept quiet. I might be good at noticing things that other people don’t, but unfortunately I’m not so good at having the confidence to actually share those things with people – especially when I don’t think they’ll agree with me.
* * *
‘So, girls? How are we feeling?’ Dad asked Bella and me. We were inside the service station waiting for Mum and Grace, who were taking ages in the Ladies. I could tell Dad really wanted to hear that we were feeling OK about moving to live in the country.
‘I’ve never felt so miserable,’ Bella told him flatly.
I waited for Dad to check if I felt the same way, but he didn’t. I don’t think it was because he didn’t care about my feelings. I just think he sometimes finds Bella’s feelings so much to handle that he hasn’t got room to ask me about mine as well.
He looked worried as he launched straight into trying to coax my sister out of her bad mood, the way he’d always done so easily when she was younger.
‘Sweetheart … cheer up … you know this is your chance for a fresh start. And you have to do your GCSEs somewhere. You liked the school when we looked around,
didn’t you?’
‘It’s not the school that’s the problem,’ Bella said sharply. ‘It’s everything else. I mean, we don’t know anybody and we’ve absolutely no friends there.’
‘No enemies either,’ I pointed out.
‘Yet,’ she emphasised with feeling.
‘Come on, Bella …’ Dad persisted. ‘We’ll all support each other, and I bet you’ll make friends in no time.’
‘And just think,’ Bella continued doggedly. ‘Instead of seeing Aunt Thecla twice a year, she’ll be living down the road from us. Can you imagine how it’ll be having her constantly commenting on Grace’s table manners and trying to estimate what size feet Libby will end up with and going on and on at me to eat more vegetables …’‘Oh Bella, I’m sure it won’t be that bad.’‘Yes it will. And she’ll be coming to every sports day and school concert, telling everyone she’s our aunt and wanting to know the reason why if we don’t get starring roles. I mean how gruesome is that?’
Dad swallowed and I could tell he was remembering the same incident we all were – the time when Aunt Thecla came to watch my school Nativity play one Christmas and marched up to the teacher at the end, demanding – in her loud, posh voice – to know why I was a shepherd for the second year running. Dad banned her from coming to my school plays after that, even though she did apologise and explain that she found it hard to watch me being ‘overlooked’ (as she saw it) when Bella had been Mary in Reception, Angel Gabriel in Year One and the only king with a speaking part in Year Two. And I remember that in among all the embarrassment I felt quite surprised and pleased that she would stand up for me like that.
‘At least she won’t have to stay with us for the whole week at Christmas any more,’ I pointed out to Bella. ‘Or even overnight.’
‘Thank God,’ Bella said with a snort.
‘For small mercies,’ I added with a grin, because that’s one of our aunt’s favourite sayings.
Dad sighed. ‘You know, despite how difficult your aunt can be at times, you girls are very important to her. Family is everything as far as she’s concerned – and we’re all she’s got. I want you to try and remember that.’
That was rich coming from him, I thought.
‘What about our family?’ Bella demanded. ‘Mum and you and the three of us. Isn’t that important too?’
‘Of course it is.’
‘Because in case you haven’t noticed, the only time you and Mum argue really badly is when Aunt Thecla comes to stay. I just hope moving here doesn’t put too much strain on your marriage, that’s all.’
Dad’s mouth fell open, like it had been doing a lot lately after Bella had spoken. And this time he found himself with absolutely nothing to say in response.
Chapter Four
As my sisters and I walked back to our car ahead of Mum and Dad, Bella seemed to have whipped herself up into a new state of bad temper. ‘Oh look, guys, you can tick off “squirrel”!’ she declared in a mocking tone.
‘Where?’ Grace asked excitedly.
‘If it’s dead it doesn’t count,’ I said, having already spotted the remains of a small furry creature on the grey tarmac close to the exit road. ‘Don’t worry, Gracie. We’ll see plenty of live squirrels in the countryside … rabbits too, I expect.’
Grace was frowning. ‘How will we make sure we don’t run them over?’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it,’ Bella said. ‘Dad says when you live in the country you’ve got to expect a bit of roadkill.’
‘BELLA!’ I snapped crossly.
‘What’s roadkill?’ Grace wanted to know.
‘It’s what you call an animal that’s been run over. If it’s fresh and not too badly mangled, you can take it home and eat it,’ Bella informed her.
Grace’s mouth had fallen open. ‘You’re lying!’
‘I’m not. You can’t afford to be squeamish about these things in the countryside, Gracie. Did you know when Dad was a boy his father used to take him out shooting rabbits?’
‘BELLA!’ I snarled. ‘He did not!’
‘Yes he did. Aunt Thecla told me. They used to make rabbit pies.’
Grace’s face had gone pale and she looked like she might be starting to feel sick again.
‘Stop being so mean,’ I said, because I knew exactly what Bella was doing. She was trying to make Grace feel as bad about moving as she did.
Bella has done the same thing to me plenty of times in the past. It’s as if she can’t stand me not being equally upset about anything that’s upsetting her. The most notable time was when Grace was born. That was when I was six and Bella was nine. We were really close in those days. At primary school Bella was confident and popular, whereas I was shy and tended to stay in the background. She would always stand up for me and help me out if anything went wrong, and I used to follow her around – both at home and at school – like a faithful puppy. But when Grace was born I remember being excited and wanting to help Mum with our new baby, whereas Bella was more worried about the baby taking up all of Mum’s time.
After a couple of days of failing to get me to see that our new baby sister was going to be a big problem for both of us, she told me she felt especially sorry for me because I was now a ‘middle child’. According to Bella, it was a well-known fact that parents didn’t love middle children as much as the oldest and youngest ones. I got really upset, until Mum found out about it and reassured me that she loved me just as much as she always had. I suppose, looking back, Bella just needed me to feel as jealous and insecure as she clearly felt at the time.
We stayed close until she hit her teens, when I guess she just became less interested in having me trailing around as her loyal sidekick and Number One Fan. She seemed to stop confiding in me, and whenever I tried to get her to open up the way she used to she’d snap that I was ‘too young’ or ‘too immature’ to understand whatever it was she was worrying about. Gradually more and more distance grew between us. She became a lot more self-conscious and the list of things she found embarrassing was endless. And the worst thing was that I seemed to be on this list!
Ever since I’d started Year Seven she’d hassled me on and off about my appearance, making me worry about things I’d been totally relaxed about before – my hairstyle, my shoes, even the coat I wore. She’d warned me that I was ‘prone to looking dorky’ and that I needed to ‘keep on top of it’ if I didn’t want to end up in the dorky group. She said it didn’t help that I was always sucking up to my teachers, and whenever I put lots of effort into my homework or got especially high marks for some piece of work, all I heard was, ‘You’re such a swot!’ or ‘It’s just not cool!’.
Strangely it was Aunt Thecla who stood up for me about that. She happened to be staying with us one time when Bella was having a go at me for getting top marks in a history test. Suddenly Aunt Thecla declared, ‘My dear Bella, I do feel sorry for you! It’s always so horrible to feel jealous. Believe me, I’ve been there myself many times – so exhausting and unpleasant!’
‘Unpleasant for me, you mean!’ I said.
She shook her head. ‘One thing you ought to know by now, Elisabeth, is that I always say exactly what I mean.’
I still couldn’t accept that Bella could ever be envious of me. After all, she was the cool older sister while I was the dorky younger one. ‘You’re not jealous, are you, Bella?’ I said with a dismissive laugh.
‘Of course not!’ But she’d looked sulky and slightly pink in the face all the same.
Dad’s phone rang when we were back on the motorway, so Mum answered it for him. We could tell by the way Mum spoke that it was Aunt Thecla. Mum always sounds a bit impatient whenever she has to speak to her, chiefly because Aunt Thecla always asks too many questions. ‘Yes, Thecla. Don’t worry, Thecla. We’ll phone you when we arrive at the cottage.’ She came off the phone saying, ‘Honestly, it’s like she wants this cottage to turn out to be awful, just so she’s proved right.’
Aunt Thecla had wanted to find us a house to
rent in the village, and she’d been horrified when Mum had looked online and found a quaint little country cottage that wasn’t actually in the village itself. Aunt Thecla had done her best to put Mum off by telling her that the lady who was renting it out also lived in the village and she’d met her a couple of times and hadn’t liked her. But Mum said Mrs Fuller had seemed perfectly nice when they’d spoken on the phone. ‘She seemed very relaxed about everything,’ Mum told us. ‘The complete opposite of Thecla, so I can see why they wouldn’t get along.’
‘Well, I agree with Aunt Thecla for once,’ Bella piped up now. ‘At least if we were renting a house in the village then we could walk to school and walk to the shops and stuff.’
‘There isn’t much “stuff” to walk to, Bella, not even in the village,’ Dad warned her gently. ‘You’ll need to go to Castle Westbury, which is our nearest town, if you want proper shops.’
‘And if we’d rented in the village like Thecla suggested, then she could just walk to see us whenever she liked,’ Mum put in, not so gently.
‘Well, I think our cottage sounds really sweet,’ I said before Mum and Bella could start arguing about it. I’d loved the photos of the cottage. According to the online advert it was situated in a small hamlet just a few miles from the village itself. There were three cottages in total, set back from the road in a little row, with gardens that backed on to a field with horses in it. Grace was really excited when she heard about the horses, and even I had started thinking about the possibility of riding lessons.
I was soon lost in a daydream about my perfect pony, thinking up names for it and closing my eyes to better imagine how it looked. I must have dozed off because soon I was dreaming about a pony disappearing into the distance with Bella on its back. And in the dream I couldn’t work out if Bella was riding away from us on purpose or because she didn’t have any control over her pony.
