I twist my head to end the contact but he’s got my face in a steel grip holding me immobile. Impossibly, his kiss becomes more aggressive and he leaves me no option but to bite him.
A Greek curse word explodes out of his mouth and he pulls back, pressing a hand to his injured lip.
Anger gives me strength and I give him a good hard shove. It doesn’t accomplish much. “Nicolai...” I’m so upset, I have to pause to catch my breath. “Let go.”
He rubs his mouth and jaw as he stares at me. Although he’s released my hands, his big body still holds me captive against the stone wall behind me.
I take a deep breath. Maybe an explanation will calm him down, calm us both down. “Paolo and I—”
“Paolo and you...” he sneers, “...and every other female on this fucking island.”
“Exactly,” I stress the word. “Paolo’s a player. I know that. But Jesus, Nicolai, so am I. Paolo and I are the same. We don’t promise anything past a night of pleasure. You know that. What happened on the dance floor shouldn’t have happened and I’m sorry. But you have to know it meant nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
My little speech does not have the desired effect. Nicolai’s expression grows even darker and more tortured. I expect his grip to slacken but it doesn’t, it tightens. He is only a couple of inches away and he’s breathing hard, staring at me, the muscles in his face twitching as he struggles with a reply.
His voice may be quiet when he finally speaks, but it has a dangerous quality to it. “Just like I mean nothing to you, right?”
“Nicolai...”
“Dammit, Tessa.” He smacks the stone wall right beside my head and then he mutters a string of Greek to the night sky. When he’s done, there is an expression of cold resolve on his face. “Tell me I mean something to you. Tell me I mean more to you than fucking Paolo Berardi.”
Oh, I do not like where this conversation is going. Nicolai is sounding dangerously possessive. Possessive beyond what is appropriate for our arrangement. “Nicolai? Have you developed feelings for me?”
There’s an internal struggle going on. I can see it as clear as anything. His mouth twitches with words he both wants to speak and wants to keep inside. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath in what appears to be an attempt to calm down. Then, very softly he says, “I can’t stand seeing you with Paolo.”
“Why?”
“Because I hate him—”
“But...”
He places a finger against my lips, silencing me. “And I’m in love with you.”
Chapter Twenty
Nicolai stands in my bedroom, leaning against the wall, watching me pack. “Don’t leave.”
I keep folding clothes and putting them away. “I have to.” I glance over my shoulder to where he’s standing. “Even if things hadn’t gone sideways tonight, I’d have to leave tomorrow or the next day anyway.”
He’s silent for all of thirty seconds. “We’re not done.”
This time I don’t turn around. I don’t want to see his expression. “Close enough. Penetration isn’t synonymous with love making. You’ve learned the important stuff. The rest is easy.”
I hear his footsteps as he crosses the room to stand right behind me. I can feel his breath tickling the hair at the back of my head. “You can’t leave until we’re finished. That was the agreement.”
I spin around, hands on hips. “I have to finish? Is that what you said?”
“Yes.”
He’s angry. So am I. Angry, betrayed and...what else. There’s something else that’s making me feel like I’ve got fire ants racing up and down my body. All I want to do is run screaming to the beach and dive into the waves, needing to relieve this horrible burning, itching sensation. The thought that I may be on the verge of another panic attack makes my hands move with clumsy inefficiency.
He grabs my hands. “Stop what you’re doing. Talk to me.”
I yank my hands out of his grasp because his touch is killing me. I can’t have any more contact with him. I take two steps back and do my best to calm down but my best isn’t enough. “When we started this, we agreed on many things,” I say, forcing myself to look up at him. “Do you remember what they were?”
“Of course I do.”
“What was the one thing I said was most important?” I don’t expect him to answer so I answer for him. “You promised you would separate the emotional from the physical. No falling in love, I said, remember?”
He looks away.
“I’m sorry, Nicolai, your feelings change everything.” I turn and stride to the bathroom to retrieve my toiletries.
Closing the bathroom door behind me, I collapse against the vanity, head down, fighting for breath. Slowly, when the black dots around the perimeter of my vision, fade, I raise my head and stare at myself in the mirror. Hair disheveled, eyes wide and glassy, face pale and lips still puffy from his earlier kisses. I look like shit.
And, Nicolai isn’t in love with me.
It’s lust. Infatuation, that’s all. It’s not love.
It doesn’t matter. What matters is that feelings and emotions have gotten out of control and this arrangement has become too dangerous for me to stay.
When I return to the bedroom, he’s still there, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest.
He waits until I resume my packing before speaking. “I didn’t fall in love with you this week.”
So, he’s realized the truth of his feelings too. Well, it doesn’t matter. “Nicolai,” I say, my voice cracking. “I still have to leave.”
He takes a step toward me and I still. His fingertips brush my hand, setting off a firestorm of electrical impulses up my arm and down my chest into the pit of my stomach. His proximity is confusing me. The air between us is charged with so many frustrated emotions, I can barely focus on my open suitcase in front of me.
His fingers weave between mine and he squeezes. “Tessa, I fell in love with you seven years ago.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes. I did.”
“That’s impossible.”
“It’s true.”
I draw my hands away and turn my back on him. I can’t bear to look at him right now. I swallow the urge to sob. “Curiosity,” I say with a ragged voice. “Infatuation. That’s what you felt. It wasn’t love. It still isn’t.”
He interrupts my reflection by spinning me around to face him. “Dammit, Tessa. Why do you think I didn’t say anything? I knew this is how you’d be.”
“You were a kid. You didn’t know what love was.”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“Nicolai, I—”
“No. You listen. I have thought about you for seven years. Seven fucking years, Tessa. You have always been the woman that no one else has been able to live up to. But, I told myself to forget about you because I knew I’d never see you again.” He exhales slowly before continuing in a softer voice. “Then, I saw your name on the online registration form and I knew...I knew fate was at work. You were meant to come back. This...” he motions between us, “...this was meant to happen. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of your lessons, it’s that what I felt for you wasn’t some stupid teenage crush. My feelings were real. They are real.”
He leans over me so our mere height differential is to his advantage. “And, do you know what I think?”
Unable to speak, I shake my head.
“I think you feel the same way. I think that’s why you had that panic attack a few days ago. I think that’s the real reason you’re leaving.”
“No.”
“You’re so afraid of your feelings you won’t admit to them.”
My lip begins to quiver, not because Nicolai speaks the truth but because his words break my heart. He believes what he believes and I am not about to change his mind. But neither is he going to change mine.
“You can’t live life without love, Tessa. It’s the most important thing there is.”
“See,
this is the fundamental difference between us. This is why a relationship would never work between us. Just because I don’t commit to someone doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply for them.”
“So you admit you love me.”
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be doing this with you if I didn’t love you. But I’m not in love with you.”
“That’s bullshit. It’s the same thing.”
“No. It’s not.” I press my fingertips to my temples. “God, Nic, you make me feel like I did when I was young, before I made all my big mistakes.” I pace as I struggle to explain the situation to him. “I don’t deny I have feelings for you. But...” I stop my pacing to face him. “I’ve lived long enough and made enough mistakes to figure out who I am and what makes me happy. This...” like him I indicate the space between the two of us. “This is not making me happy. And the longer I stay the worse the heartache will be in the end.”
“Dammit, Tessa. Do you really think it’s going to hurt any more or less whether you leave now or whether you leave afterwards?” He grabs my arms and pulls me close. “I’ve known all along you were going to leave. It hasn’t changed my feelings. The only thing that’s been getting me through was knowing you’d always be my first. Always. Don’t you take that away from me.”
He looks like he’s about to kiss me but stops himself as a wounded look flashes across his features. “We have to finish this. I need you.”
“Oh, Nicolai.” My breath hitches in my throat. My heart is about to burst.
“Please.”
I shake my head. “I-I can’t.”
“Tess...”
“I’m so sorry.” Covering my mouth, I back away from his embrace.
“Why?”
I can’t answer. My chest aches and my throat is full of emotions that don’t allow me to speak.
“Why?” His voice is deeper, louder...angrier.
“It’s over. You have to accept that.”
I go back to my suitcase and finish tucking in the edges of my clothing that appear all blurry because of the unshed tears pooling in my eyes.
“Tessa...”
My hands still on the zipper. There is anguish in his voice that sends a chill down my spine. “Nicolai,” I say softly. “There is nothing you can say or do to make me change my mind.”
Oh, I’m such a liar! All he has to do is come closer, take my hand, kiss me, push me down on the bed, undress me and make love to me. I’m so close to giving in, it’s criminal.
But he doesn’t do any of those things. Nicolai is not Paolo and I’d never want him to be. He honors my wishes and I’m both grateful and heartbroken over it.
When I hear him move, my pulse jumps, but he’s not coming toward me, he’s moving away toward door. His voice is raw and ragged. “If you must leave, wait until morning. It’s late and nothing will be open tonight. You will have to spend the night in your car. It’s not safe.”
What he says makes sense and the idea of spending a night in the rental is not appealing no matter how desperate I am to get away. “Fine. I’ll leave first thing tomorrow.”
“As you wish.”
I don’t turn around because I’m afraid if he sees my face, he’ll realize how close I am to caving. “I’m not going to change my mind in the morning, Nicolai.”
“I know.” I hear the door close quietly behind me.
I stand frozen to the spot and then collapse on the bed beside my suitcase. Dropping my head to my hands, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. In my job as a business analyst, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cautioned clients against the dangers of emotional decision-making because it’s irrational and unproductive.
Yet, here I am doing the same thing. In fact, I’ve been doing it all week. What is it about Nicolai that makes me emotional? Irrational?
I stare at the walls of the room. Maybe it’s not him. Maybe it’s this place.
***
I don’t sleep. I can’t. My chest is wedged in an emotional vise, tightening with each breath. My head is filled with relentless images. I replay all the time Nicolai and I have spent together over the last week. I think of all of our conversations and I wonder where I went wrong. Why didn’t I see what was happening? Why didn’t I stop it?
At some point I give up on sleep and go sit on the terrace, staring out at the horizon as it brightens with the dawn of a new day. The hair on the nape of my neck tingles and I’m pretty sure Nicolai is watching me from his window, but I don’t turn around and he doesn’t come down.
It’s barely six when I step out of the shower. Fifteen minutes later, I’m packed and dragging my suitcase down the stairs. Nicolai is already there with a breakfast tray prepared and coffee brewed.
“Good morning,” he says with no inflection in his voice.
“Good morning.”
I sit down to eat and he hands me a printed page with the charges for my stay. Ah, yes. He’s all business now. Good. That’s how things should be. I find my credit card in my purse and hand it to him, hating the fact that my hand is shaking.
A few minutes later he returns with my card and a credit card slip. He hesitates before sitting down across from me.
“I have a favor to ask you.”
Here we go. I knew he wouldn’t leave it alone. “Nicolai, I haven’t changed my mind.”
He holds up a hand to stop me. “No, this is something else...you asked me to let you know if the guesthouse should ever be for sale. I am listing it today. I would be very grateful if you should pass on the information to any interested buyers.”
“So, you managed to convince your uncle last night?”
“No. But I didn’t give him a choice. The house is mine to do as I wish. It was merely formality that I meet with the family.” His lips are pressed together as he pulls a business card out of his shirt pocket and hands it to me. “This is my real estate agent. Their office is in Mytilini.” He flips the card. “The asking price is here. Just in case.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you.”
Nicolai is going to university in September. He’s going to be an architect. His whole life stretches before him, a brand new start. I am thrilled and yet there is a heaviness in the air between us that is impossible to ignore.
Finally, he gets up. “Can I help you with your luggage?”
I wave my hand dismissively. “No. Thanks. I can take care of it myself.”
“Of course you can.” He moves behind my chair and I think he’s going to touch me, but he doesn’t. “Good-bye, Ms. Savage."
Chapter Twenty-One
By the time I get to my car, I’ve got tears coursing down my cheeks. If that’s not enough to tell me I’m doing the right thing by leaving, I don’t know what is. It’s while I drive the winding road from Molyvos to Mytilini that I realize why I feel so heavy. Of course everything that happened between Nicolai and I is weighing on me, but I also realize I will never be returning to Molyvos. I have said good-bye to a chapter in my life.
Acknowledging this truth makes the tears come faster but also releases tension from my heart and soul. There are many emotions tied up in that quaint village, not to mention tied up in the Daphnis and Chloe Guesthouse. How many times did I refer to the guesthouse as home this week? More than I can count.
Since my marriage ended, the guesthouse is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a place that feels like home. I am not only saying goodbye to Nicolai, I’m saying goodbye to a part of me.
Moving on is never easy.
Yet it opens up all sorts of new experiences. Wonderful experiences. I have to remind myself of this truth, though my heart isn’t ready to hear it.
After checking into a boutique hotel in Mytilini, I book a flight for the following day. My job in London starts next week and though I’m eager to leave Greece, I’m not quite ready for the crowded streets of the British capital. I’ll spend a day in Mytilini, maybe a day or two in Athens, seeing the sights, and then I’ll fly to Lon
don when I’m feeling more settled.
In the meantime, I’m determined to find a buyer for the guesthouse. There is nothing I want more than to help Nicolai move on and realize his dream of becoming an architect. Maybe it will help alleviate some of the upset I feel over leaving him before finishing what I’d promised. Sitting alone at a table of one of the many cafes along the street parallel to the busy harbor in Mytilini, I start phoning some of my contacts, beginning with a few friends in Britain.
Those I manage to get in touch with answer as if by rote. They’ve already got vacation homes. Many of them are trying to sell the holidays homes they have and are having a hard time. No one is buying right now. I explain that’s because it’s a buyer’s market. But they aren’t listening.
It’s too early to call, but I make a list of American friends to try. However, I can already guess what they’ll say. Greece is too far away. Even if they were interested, no one has heard of Lesvos and while the guesthouse’s quaint atmosphere appeals to me, it probably won’t interest them. Those who could afford it want five-star luxury with room service and direct flights.
Oh a whim, I call Alander. I already know what his answer will be, the same as everyone else’s. He’s already got property. What he’s got, he’s trying to sell. Even if he was in the market for property, his tastes are more refined. However, I call anyway because there’s always the chance he knows someone looking for an investment property.
“Tessa,” he growls through the phone. “Why are you calling? I’m still angry with you. Where are you?”
Laughing at his multi-question response, I explain where I am and why I’m calling.
“A café in Mytilini?” he repeats. “Without me? How dare you.”
Oh, Alander is just what I need right now. The man may be insufferable but hearing his voice helps me to focus on something other than the heaviness in my heart. I reiterate why I’m calling and surprisingly, he doesn’t blow me off. He keeps asking questions; location, price, amenities and I start to think he might actually be interested.
Seduction in the Sun: Adult Romance Box Set (9 Sizzling Tales with BBW, Billionaires, Bad Boys, and Alpha Males) Page 55
