“You do realize you shovel shit for a living?”
I nudged my head upwards. “I’m not a stable boy.”
He took another sip of beer and laughed to himself. “Sorry, I was getting you confused with one of my wife’s porno novels. She’s always reading shit about Indians and cowboys.”
I smiled, feeling like he was trying to lighten the mood. “My story probably isn’t as interesting as you may think. I do have a past that I’m running from.”
“Do I need to call the family lawyer? Are you in some kind of trouble?”
“No,” I immediately reassured him. “I’m not a criminal.”
He placed his hands on the table and smiled, but it wasn’t because he was happy. It was more like he was holding in his anger, waiting for me to get to the point.
“I had a wife and daughter. Simone and Sydney. They were my life, my reason for living, until one day my daughter got sick. We took her to the hospital, but she didn’t make it past dinner.” I took a few deep breaths, noticing his facial expression had changed. I knew he was feeling my pain, and I appreciated that he was giving me time to control my emotions. “Bacterial meningitis is what they told us had killed her. They don’t know how she got it, and once she was gone it wouldn’t have helped us anyway.”
“I heard many marriages end when couple lose a child. Is that what happened?”
I sat there trying to come to grips with why Simone would take her life. We could have gotten through it together. We wouldn’t have been one of those failed marriages. “I wouldn’t know how things could have turned out. My wife took her own life shortly after my daughter’s death. In fact, they’re buried together it was so close. I reckon she couldn’t live another minute without our little girl.”
“I’m real sorry to hear about your family, Rusty. Man, that’s just terrible. I can’t imagine having to go through something like that.” His brow furrowed, and I did my best not to make eye contact. I was supposed to be someone who was strong; someone that could protect his daughter. Instead I was crumbling in front of her father, showing him how weak I really was.
“Our families did their best to console me, but I couldn’t handle it. I left my house, my job, and everyone I ever knew to be alone, because I couldn’t go another day with someone asking me if I was going to be okay.”
I looked down at the condensation forming on my glass of tea. I watched it drip down, leaving a trail as it moved. It reminded me of the tears that I’d shed for my girls, and how I’d never be able to fully get over them.
“I’m guessing my daughter knows all of this?”
I nodded. “She does.”
“Can I ask what you did for a living? You’re obviously good with horses. Did you live on a farm?”
“My dad was a veterinarian, as was I. We had a practice in our little town.”
He chuckled. “You’re telling me that you’re a god damn vet and you’d rather shovel shit?”
“Well, I don’t shovel shi-.”
“You know what I mean,” he corrected.
I shrugged. “I get to be around animals, and a family that reminds me how good life could be again. It’s not so bad. It also came with a house, so that was a plus.”
He seemed to study me for a couple moments. I had no idea what he could be thinking. He could be thinking I was damaged goods, and that I had no right to be with his daughter. He could be thinking of a way to send me packing. I just didn’t know.
“Do you love my daughter, Rusty?” His question was legitimate. Of course he’d want to know how I felt about his daughter. After all, she was the reason we were here.
“Yes. I do. I love her very much.” Admitting that out loud made my heart beat faster. It was a word we’d never talked about. Still, I knew how I felt. There was no question about it.
He reached his hand across the table. When I shook it he started talking again. “You have my blessing, but just know that if you hurt her in anyway, I’m going to hurt you. That means if you fuck her in the ass, I’m going to fuck you in the ass. Understand?”
I raised my brow and looked at him as if he were crazy. “Come again?”
He laughed to himself and wiped his face, as if he was tired. “That sounded pretty gay didn’t it? Shit. You know what I meant, right?”
I laughed and shook my head. “I sure do hope you don’t want to fuck me in my ass, sir.”
“It’s not sir. Ty’s fine. Definitely don’t ever call me dad. I don’t give a shit if you do marry my daughter someday. I’m not having someone your age calling me dad. I draw the line there.”
He waved the waitress for another beer. I sipped at my tea and watched her bring him his drink. “When I first lost my girls I drank too much. I said things to my father, and got myself into situations that I wasn’t proud of. Once I got my shit together I promised I’d never drink again.”
“My daughter might drive you to drink. She’s a spitfire, who sometimes makes it her life mission to annoy the hell out of people. She thinks she’s always right, and you can’t tell her anything and expect that she’ll follow directions. Trust me, I’m married to her twin. I just agree and call it a day. It’s not worth the effort.”
“I hear ya on that. You’re daughter can be difficult. She’s pretty fickle. It’s hard to handle, but I’m getting the hang of it.”
He pointed his beer in my direction. “I think we’re going to get along just fine, Rusty. Your secret is safe with me. If you want to tell the family, it’s up to you. I’m sure when the time is right you’ll be able to talk about it more.”
Lunch with Isabella’s father had given me hope that everything was finally going to be okay. I had his blessing, and knew that he’d support my relationship with his daughter. I hated that we were lying about the paternity of the baby, but completely understood why she didn’t want anyone knowing the truth. The only thing I was still worried about was her changing her mind. The indecisive woman that had my heart could change her mind at any time, and the longer we were together, the harder it would be to handle.
I had to pray that I was the right guy in her eyes, because hope was all I had left.
Chapter 30
Isabella
I feel like I’d waited forever to see my baby for the first time. Due to my crappy insurance, my first sonogram wasn’t until I was twenty weeks along. I’d literally waited months for this day to come.
With the company of my parents and Rusty, we watched the screen for the first sign of life.
And there it was, curled up comfortably waiting to be attended to. The tool maneuvered over my belly, only stopping when the technician was plugging in data. Then came the moment we were all waiting for. I’d heard it’s heartbeat each month after my first appointment. As exciting as it was, nothing could compare to seeing my real baby on that screen, with ten fingers and ten toes.
“Did you want to know the sex?”
I gave her a nod and watched as she focused in on one area.
“It’s a girl. Congratulations.”
In that moment my heart skipped a couple beats. Growing inside of me was a beautiful little girl, who I knew was going to be absolutely perfect. My parents, who stood behind Rusty held each other and kept watching, but as my eyes scanned the room I saw something I never expected.
Rusty had tears in his eyes. In that instant all of my excitement was put to the side when I realized what he was going through. It’s when it finally occurred to me that he needed her as much as I needed him.
At times my feelings for Rusty were still confusing, albeit this wasn’t one of those times. In this moment I felt more connected to him than I’d ever been before. I could see both pain and excitement. I could feel his love radiating through me as our fingers intertwined. This beautiful man had found his hope again, and it meant everything to him.
Our relationship hadn’t started out good. We bickered more than we appreciated. There were times when I truly thought he was a criminal, a creepy stalker, preying on the
right moment to cause harm to me. I felt bad for that now, knowing the real man under that tough façade. He couldn’t hide himself from me anymore. That man I thought I knew was just a distant memory. The man who was peering deeply into my eyes was beautiful. He may have been broken, but I could see life shining in those grey eyes.
For both my parent’s sake, and my own, I smiled at him, while squeezing his hand tighter. “We’re havin’ a little girl, Rusty.”
He nodded and used his free hand to wipe his eyes. “I know, Iz.”
As soon as he said my name I looked at my father. He’d been the only person in my life to call me that, and I feared how it would make him feel. Instead of sensing hurt, I saw happiness. He was smiling from ear to ear, winking at me, letting me know that I’d done good.
It was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so complete, so loved. All of those months feeling like the world was out to get me had suddenly gone away. They no longer mattered, because I’d finally realized what I’d gained.
Stability.
Companionship.
Faith.
They were all things that I just assumed were a lost cause for me. Now I’d been presented with this miracle, and I was finally able to grasp just what it meant for my future.
I’d fought so hard to deny my feelings for Rusty, on account of my own selfish reasons. In some ways I’d used him, and I didn’t know how I could have been so inconsiderate. It was obvious that he was crazy about me, and I had a choice to make. I could be with him, raise my child with him, and be happy, or I could dwell on the past.
It was unfortunate that Tate was in a bad way. When I’d sent that late night message to his ex I didn’t know it would make him want to end his life. All I wanted was for him to learn a much needed lesson. He couldn’t string on two women and make promises that he couldn’t keep. Though I felt guilty, his actions had gotten him where he was.
The truth was that I didn’t want him being a part of my child’s life. I didn’t want to have to see and deal with him. We lived in two different states, and clearly I wasn’t about to give up what I had in Kentucky; a good job, and man who wanted to be with only me. I just couldn’t justify that telling him would benefit anyone.
The technician printed out the pictures and caught my attention when she handed them to me. In return, I put them in Rusty’s hands. “This is our daughter.”
They were just four words, and probably not the four he was waiting to hear, but I watched that grown man smile with such compassion in that moment. Maybe he was always meant to come into my life to teach me what real devotion felt like. At the end of the day my mind was made up. Rusty was my future, and nothing was ever going to change that.
In the weeks that followed, Rusty and I grew as a couple. We spent our free time learning everything about each other; our flaws, our dreams, and mostly our desires. Each day I fell in love with him a little more, and when I thought there was nothing left to feel he’d surprise me and show me that it was never ending. I’d been blessed, truly, and looked forward to the journey of being a family.
At the six month mark of being pregnant we sat down and had a heart to heart about his family. It was too hard for me to watch him with my own family and not wonder about his parents, and all of the people that he’d shut out so long ago. With the baby’s due date getting closer, it was important for me to reach out to him, in case he wanted to include them in our future.
We sat on the couch, so close that our bodies were touching. His focus was on the television, while mine was on the amount of food that I’d consumed at dinner. I held onto my growing bump while addressing my concerns. “Can I ask you somethin’ without you gettin’ mad?”
He looked away from the show and smiled, having no idea what I was about to say. “Sure. What’s up?”
“Are you happy?” I needed to start out slow and work my way to the point.
He seemed confused that I’d asked something so ridiculous. We were clearly happy. “You know the answer to that. I’ve got everything I want sitting on this couch with me.”
“Not everything.” I paused to prepare myself. “If you’re happy, why haven’t you gotten back in contact with your parents? I mean, if we’re goin’ to raise this little one together, don’t you think they should be a part of it too? I just feel like if we’re going to make this kind of commitment than all parties should be involved. Whether you’re adopting her or not, she’s still going to be your daughter. I want you to treat her like she’s your flesh and blood.” I think it was hard for me to imagine different when I’d been raised by a man that refused to admit he wasn’t my sperm donor. I think in his mind he was the one and only dad, no matter what any kind of test could prove. I needed Rusty to be that committed, because at the end of the day, he was going to be her only daddy.
Rusty sighed, but never let his eyes move from mine. “It’s been bothering me for a while. I reckon it’s easier to ignore them than to face them. It’s not that I don’t want them knowing about you, and about the baby. It’s just that I don’t know how to approach it. I left my dad in such a bad way. Honestly, I don’t know if he’d even want to see me.”
“He’s your father. Of course he wants to see you.”
“You’re not going to let this go, are you? You’re going to keep on me until I break down and go to see him?”
I nodded. “I’ll go with you. We can do it together.”
Rusty reached over and touched my cheek with the back of his hand. “I know you will. If it means that much to you, I’ll reach out to my parents, but I can’t make you any promises where they’re concerned.”
“I just want you to try. It’s important to me.”
“If it’s important to you, than it’s also important to me. We’re a team, remember?”
Though it was getting difficult to do, I sat up on the couch, bringing my legs overtop of his lap. I faced him wrapping my arms around his neck. He immediately touched my back with both hands, holding me there on top of him. His smile let me know that he wasn’t irritated with my request. “How did I get so lucky to find a man like you?”
“I found you, remember?”
I reached forward, pressing my lips against his. When I pulled them away his eyes were still closed. “I love you, Rusty Tillman.”
I could tell from the way those same eyes shot open that he was shocked I’d finally said it. “I was wondering if you were ever going to say that to me. It’s okay if you didn’t. I would have stuck by my decision no matter what, but it’s sure good to hear. Honestly, Iz, it feels good to be loved again. You don’t know how long I’ve waited to feel this way again, especially when, for the longest time, I thought it couldn’t happen.”
I lifted my hand up and touched his cheek, running my palms over the coarse hairs that were growing in. “It is happenin’. You and me, we’re better together.”
Rusty rocked us forward, lifting me in his arms while he stood. He held me tight as he started carrying me back to our bedroom. Once inside, he sat me down on the mattress and then joined me. “I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you?”
I nodded and accepted his next kiss. “I think we have a lot to celebrate.”
Chapter 31
Rusty
It wasn’t just the idea of calling my parents. It was a matter of admitting I was in the wrong. I’d run away from my problems, leaving everyone else to have to deal with my mess. Losing my wife and daughter hadn’t just destroyed me. I watched my own mother break down more times than I cared to admit, and each time it had broken me a little more. The idea of seeing them made all of those ill feelings come rushing back, and I wasn’t sure if I was willing to give up what I had at the moment to rehash something I never wanted to go back to.
But she’d asked me.
She knew what I needed to do, even if I wasn’t willing to admit it myself.
Isabella had made good points, leaving me with no choice than to reach out to them.
I waited until the next morning to call them, considering that it was already too late to get into any kind of detail. Even as I dialed their home telephone number, inside I was dying.
Then she answered.
I knew my mother’s voice. It was something that one doesn’t forget. Even her one-word greeting sent shivers through my spine. This was the woman that I’d abandoned in her time of need. We should have grieved together, but I’d left and given her more reasons to suffer. I’d been a coward, and it was time to make amends, or at least do my best to try.
“Hello?”
I took a deep breath and responded. “Hi, Mom.”
In all of my thirty three years I’d never been so nervous to hear my mother’s reply. This wasn’t like getting into trouble as a kid. I’d made an adult decision, and I was responsible for the consequences. If my parents wanted nothing to do with me it was my own fault.
“Russell? Is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” I think she just needed to hear me confirm it.
“Oh my heavens, son. We’ve been so worried about you. Please tell me you’re okay? Every time the phone rings I pray that it’s you. We didn’t know what to think. You just left without a single word. You didn’t even leave a note, or tell the clinic. For a while we thought the worst. Then your dad hired an investigator, who confirmed that you were alive and all right.”
“I am. I wasn’t for a long time, though. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t wake up every day in that house and see all of those reminders. I couldn’t even drive to the store and not think of things they liked to buy. Everywhere I turned was a memory. I was miserable. I hope you know that’s why I had to leave. Mom, I was so messed up over the girls. I couldn’t be around anyone. It hurt way too much.” The burning was lingering in my throat from explaining something so horrifying for me.
I could hear that she’d already started sobbing. “I know. It hurt us too. You weren’t the only one to lose them. You leaving destroyed your father.”
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