Now, I could tell the difference in overreacting, and being in shock. That woman was in complete and utter shock. I knew without a doubt that being in her presence wasn’t healthy for either of us.
Whether Rusty knew what was happening, or even if he didn’t, he hadn’t warned me just how much of his family remained in that house. I had no idea what I was walking into. Leaving was my only option.
I know I was supposed to go straight to the hotel, and call him once I was settled, but I was too angry; to angry with him, and with myself. I’d been so naive to think that we could build a future when neither of us was over our past. I’d made one compulsive decision after another, and was left heartbroken and absolutely distraught.
Rusty called my phone until I finally answered.
“I can’t talk to you right now, Rusty. I honestly don’t even know what to say.”
“Just come pick me up. I don’t want to be here without you.”
“That’s too bad. I left the state hours ago.” I really hadn’t I’d been driving around in circles until I came to the cemetery that he’d taken me to. Little did he know I was probably less than a mile away.
“You what?” I knew he was going to freak out. “Iz, I know you’re upset, but that’s no reason to go home. We need to work this out.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you not warn me about your mother?”
“Iz, I haven’t been home in over two years. How was I to know she’d go to such extremes? Just tell me where you are. I’m sure my bike is here in the garage, since pretty much my whole house is exactly the way I left it. You know, you’re not the only one here that’s creeped out. You think I want to come here and see all of Sydney’s things still sitting in her room exactly how she left them? Do you honestly think that is easy for me? Or how about the fact that my mother took me on a tour of my own house, down to the details of how Simone used to organize our junk drawer?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but suddenly understood it from his angle. This wasn’t just difficult for me. It was killing him. “This wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked you to make amends.”
“I know, babe. Trust me, I know. I think I’d forgotten just how crazy my mother could be. Listen, my dad is still sleeping, and it would mean a lot to me if you would just tell me where you are. I’ll come to you. Please, Iz. I need you.”
Sensing the desperation in his voice, I sighed and decided that we were better together, instead of apart. “I’m at the cemetery. Don’t ask how I ended up here, but that’s where I am.”
“Give me a few minutes. I’ll be there. Please don’t go anywhere.”
“I won’t.”
I think I was crying even before I hung up. While I sat down on the stone bench in front of the girl’s graves, I thought about the love they had for each other, and wondered if I’d ever be able to have that kind of love from Rusty. All I knew was that I was totally in love with him, and insanely jealous. The worst part was that I knew I’d never be able to compete with them. Rusty would always love them, and I would never want him not to. It was a problem that I was going to have to learn to live with if I wanted to be happy in my life.
This trip hadn’t just opened my eyes to my feelings and issues with Rusty; it had made me once again think about Tate. I wanted to do the right thing, and not have to go through the hurdles that my parents did with me. It was as if I could either have Rusty, or tell Tate. Rusty wasn’t exactly giving me that ultimatum, but I knew him enough to know he wouldn’t do well with sharing. This to him was a second chance at having a family. It only made sense that he’d want us to always be together, and not have to deal with visitation.
I think if my biological father would have been a normal human being I’d have a different opinion. I feel like he’d never had a right to know me. Because of that experience, I was more okay with the idea of never telling Tate.
While fighting with myself about my own matters of the heart, Rusty rolled up on a bicycle. He had this old ball cap on backwards, and appeared to look half his age. I wanted to giggle, but it wasn’t the time and place. Before he was close enough to hear, I looked down at the two side by side graves. “If you’re out there somewhere watchin’, please help me make the right decision. I love this man, more than I ever thought I could.”
Rusty walked up and put his hands in his pockets. He looked down at the headstones, seemingly wanting me to speak first.
“I’m sorry for runnin’ out on you. I know I overreacted, I just couldn’t take another second in that house.”
“Yeah, I get it. She didn’t mean to freak you out. I think I probably should have warned her.”
I didn’t want to talk about his mother. “Did you get to see your dad at all?”
He shrugged. “Mom wants us to come back for dinner. Before you say no, she’s assured me that she’ll be on her best behavior. I’ve let her know we won’t be staying the night either way. You may not believe this, but I don’t want to be there with that stuff, and it’s not because it brings up old feelings. Iz, don’t you get it? What I feel for you is nothing like I felt for them. It’s new, and it’s different. They may have been my life for a long time, but you’re my future. I don’t want you to try to replace them, but it’s not a competition either.”
I ran my hands over my face as I spoke. “What if I can’t get past that though? It’s selfish and you may hate me for it, but what if I’m not okay with you lovin’ someone else. Even though I know she’s gone, it’s still difficult for me.”
He looked away and the finally back at me. “Look, I didn’t agree to come here to fight with you. I’m trying so hard to be the man you want me to be. Can you please stop making it so hard? Have I not proved to you time and again that I love you?”
“Yes, but it’s not enough for me.”
“Well then we’ve reached a conundrum,” he noted.
I stood up and pointed to the two markers. “For the last couple years you’ve been hidin’ from your past. As much as I want to think that it’s easy to come here and let things go, I know it’s not. I think it would be best if you stayed for a while to figure out what’s next for you. Clearly you’ve got a ton to deal with.”
“My life is in Kentucky with you. Where is this coming from?”
“Russell Tillman belongs here in Indiana, runnin’ an animal clinic. He doesn’t have to shovel shit and deal with my family any longer. Don’t you get that? You don’t have to hide anymore.”
He sat down next to me and looked out into the distance. “I get what you’re saying, but you’re missing the most important thing. My life is in Kentucky with you.”
“You’re not obligated to stay with me because you promised to be the father to my child. That’s what I’m tellin’ you. Rusty, I can’t expect you to commit to a life raisin’ another man’s child. We should be goin’ out on dates and doin’ what new couples do, instead of movin’ in together and plannin’ a family.” I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of my mouth. It had to be the adrenaline, causing me to have the strength to say what was on my mind. I didn’t want Rusty feeling like he settled. I wanted to be together because he loved me, and then fell in love with my daughter.
Again, it all went back to me not knowing if he’d chose to be with me because I gave him back some kind of stability. I wondered if his feelings for me were only there because he was desperate to feel something again, after so long.
It was as if each time I felt content, something would happen to make me question it all. With a growing baby inside of me, I had to make a decision to protect her. I had to do what was best.
He reached over and put his hand on my knee, waiting for our eyes to meet before he spoke. “In some ways I agree with you, but in others you’re very off base. The bottom line is that I can’t keep trying to reassure you of something you’re never going to be able to accept. I could tell you that I love you every second of every day, but I don’t see it ever being good enough. I get that our relationshi
p is unconventional, but it’s real. Can’t you see that?” His eyes were so filled with pain, albeit they couldn’t change the way I felt.
“I think you need to stay here, Rusty. Get things handled. Help your parents. When you get all of that taken care of, we’ll see where we’re at,” I was almost losing it as I spoke. As soon as the sentence was done I began to sob. My body trembled and I felt him putting his arms around me.
We sat there for the longest time in silence, both of us not knowing what to say to change each other’s minds. I knew he didn’t want me to go, but it was the right decision. I wanted him to know without a doubt what he wanted before the baby was born.
Chapter 34
Isabella
We couldn’t move forward until we dealt with the past. Rusty had been brave going back home and facing his buried fears. I watched him suffer through so many emotions, and felt the pain of his insecurities. In order for him to love himself again he had to be able to accept that he couldn’t change what happened to his girls. They were gone, and he had to keep living. He couldn’t hide from his old life and pretend that it never happened. These were his demons, and until he figured them out there wouldn’t be a future for us.
After a very long and emotional discussion we came to an agreement that I’d catch a flight to spend my weekend with my parents, and Rusty would pick me up on the way home. It wasn’t exactly how I wanted to spend my weekend, but it sure as hell beat being freaked out for another two days.
On the bright side of things my parents were excited to see me. My mom planned a whole day trip so that we could shop for the baby’s room. I’d talked about a pink room for a long time, but ended up going with a soft yellow. While in town we were going to get me registered for baby supplies, and with my mom’s help I’d be able to get everything that I actually needed, instead of picking the things that seemed utterly adorable.
Obviously, my parents required an explanation of why I’d flown in from Indiana, without my boyfriend. I could tell from the look on my dad’s face that he wasn’t going to let me go more than five minutes without explaining. After he put my bag in the back, he climbed into the driver’s seat and turned to face me. “What happened, Iz? Do I need to kick some ass?”
I rolled my eyes. “No, Dad. It’s not like that.”
He reached over and tugged on my ponytail as he spoke. “Did my little girl get her feelings hurt?”
I swatted his hand away from my hair. “Stop. He’s in Indiana dealin’ with his family. It’s complicated, but I couldn’t stand bein’ there.”
“Uncomplicate it.”
“Fine, but I’m only tellin’ you because you’re my dad and I trust that you won’t make a big deal out of it. Apparently I’m a dead ringer for Rusty’s ex. I about gave his mother a heart attack. To make matters worse his parents bought his old house and made it a shrine. It’s creepy as shit. I had to get away from all of it, and I even feel bad that I left Rusty there. It was quite obvious that he didn’t even want to be there.”
“Hold on. Are you telling me that you look exactly like his dead wife?”
“We could be sisters.”
My dad seemed to be as shocked as I was when I first discovered it. “I’m probably not supposed to say how weird that is.”
I put up my hand. “Seriously, Dad. I love the man, but it still gets to me.”
“Honey, are you sure that he’s not trying to replace what he lost? It seems to me like that could be happening. I just don’t want you getting yourself involved with a man long-term that’s in it for those reasons.”
I knew by telling him it would open a can of worms that I wasn’t in the mood to discuss. Still, I knew I had to defend my relationship, even if sometimes I felt the same way. “At first, before I would give him the time of day, yes. He was most definitely obsessed with me because I reminded him of her. I felt like he was stalking me. Come to find out, it was because I resembled Simone so much. When we started bein’ friends all of that changed. He saw me for who I am, and not who she was. Trust me, Dad, I would have never given him the time of day otherwise.”
“If that’s the case then just appease me with this. How many times has he called you Simone?”
I didn’t have to think about it, because the answer was obvious. “Never.”
“There’s your answer. If Rusty had some hidden complex about you becoming his ex wife, he would have slipped by now.”
He was absolutely right. Maybe it took my dad giving me the advice to realize it. I think a part of me would always wonder if the little things I did reminded him of her, but for the most part that could happen in a relationship. We’re all human, and we share the same tendencies. It was only natural for me to say or do something that would remind him of his old life.
I just needed to learn that we we’re going to make our own memories. “He’s a good man, Dad. I promise.”
“You know,” he paused to pull out onto the main highway. “Your mom is so excited to take you shopping tomorrow. I think she might be a little too excited about being a grandmother. She had me up in the damn attic last week digging around for your old stuff.”
“Did you find anything good?”
“I found your rocking horse I made you. There was a crib up there, and a changing table. Most of your clothes went to your cousins, but your mom saved some of the special things.”
“Is the crib in good condition?”
“It is, but we were thinking we could get a new one for your house, and keep the old one here, for when you come to stay with us, which we hope is more often. I’ve got a feeling your mom isn’t going to want to be away from that baby for long periods of time.” I couldn’t help notice that my dad wasn’t talking about his excitement. It could only mean one thing.
“Dad, are you mad at me for gettin’ knocked up?”
He peeked at me before turning his attention back to the road. “I’m not going to lie and say that thinking about my daughter with a man doesn’t disturb me. You’re always going to be my little girl, Iz. Nothing can change that. As far as being mad at you, well that’s not the case. I think it’s more of a personal fight with myself. You see, I always pictured having grandkids, but never before I had white hair and balls that sagged down to my knees. Since none of that has happened yet, it’s freaking me out.”
“Dad, really? I don’t want to hear about your testicles.” Leave it to him to make a joke out of something serious.
“You’re my daughter. Anything that comes from you is also a part of me. You’re a reflection of me and your mother. I know you’ll be a good mom, and I’ll be very proud of you.” This was yet another reason why I’d never felt adopted by my dad. He believed with his whole heart that I was his child. It only personified the relationship that we had. It also reminded me that Rusty could be the man that I wanted him to be.
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” It did too. Of all the people in my life it had been my father that I looked up to the most. Making him proud had always been a reward.
Pulling up at our farm was always an exciting feeling. It would always be my home, no matter how old I’d gotten.
After a nice dinner I retreated to my room to get some much needed rest. Before tucking myself in, I pulled out my phone to call Rusty. Since we’d been living together I’d convinced him to get one. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours and I was already missing him.
How is it going? – I
I miss you something fierce. Spent some time with my dad today. It was good to see him after so long. My mom says she’s sorry again. It’s going to be hard sleeping without you tonight. – R
I just got into bed. Dreading waking up without you next to me. I miss you too. Going to register for the baby in the morning. – I
I love you, Isabella, not because you look like someone else, or because you’re carrying a baby in that beautiful body of yours. I love you because every second with you makes me happy. I hope you know that. – R
I love you too. I’ll
call you tomorrow. – I
It was easier to be able to sleep alone knowing that he was thinking about me. Questioning the way he felt was silly, especially when I knew in my heart that his feelings were genuine. When I closed my eyes I thought about my little girl, and how she’d want for nothing. It certainly made me feel content.
Chapter 35
Isabella
My mom woke me bright and early to get started on a day of shopping. She fed me pancakes before we were off on our girl’s day. Being with her, alone, was so special to me. It wasn’t that I minded having my brothers, because I didn’t. It was just that sometimes I wanted her all to myself.
My mom parked the car and we headed into the huge baby store. Because I basically needed everything, we decided to separate with the scanners to cover more ground. My mom was going to handle all of the necessities, since she knew about them more than I did. My job was to pick out décor, and bigger items like strollers and swings.
I made my way to the aisle with all of the car seats and started looking at the features of each one. When I approached the third one, a gentleman was squatting in front of it appearing to have been checking out the wheel mechanism. After noticing that this model converted for when the child outgrew it, I wanted to find out more about it. I bent over, trying to read the tag without being in this particular guy’s way.
That’s when I saw him.
My eyes did a double take and I took a few steps backward. “Tate?” I couldn’t believe that it was him. Did he know I was pregnant? Had my brother’s told someone, who had in turn told him? My life was flashing in front of my eyes as I stood there contemplating what I was going to say to him. Still, I couldn’t figure out why he’d even be in this kind of store, unless he was somehow making an attempt to win me over, by showering me and my baby with expensive gifts.
“Bella? Holy shit. What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
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