Truth Behind the Fantasy of Porn

by Shelley Lubben

  I soberly shot straight up and begged her for mercy. I cried and swore up and down that I would do anything it took to keep my children. She ignored me and left the room and I cried out to God for big time mercy.

  God didn’t answer.

  Two men came into my room and told me to sit down in a wheelchair and they wheeled me to an isolated room with no sharp objects in it. Lonelier than any jail cell I had been in, I was in a psychotic hell and at the lowest point in my life.

  After I cried myself to sleep and the alcohol wore off, my 6’4 husband walked in the next morning with a face that said it all: he had enough. I knew I was going to lose him and I desperately begged him for mercy and swore up and down that I would do whatever it took to quit drinking.

  He didn’t believe me.

  The timing couldn’t have been worse for us. Within two weeks we were scheduled to move to Texas for Garrett’s further medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Out of hundreds of qualified soldiers who applied for cardiovascular training, Garrett was one of the soldiers accepted into the elite school. It was a huge honor and high promotion for him and his wife was about to ruin the whole thing for him.

  At least now he understood how I felt when my schooling was ripped away.

  Enraged beyond words, he didn’t speak to me at first. I begged and pleaded but he just stayed quiet. The next week we waited to hear from his commander about a phone call from Helga, the German judge and executioner of my life and family. But the phone call never came and suddenly, we were driving away from Washington State to Texas.

  Wow, I thought. Was the mercy of God stamped on my forehead or what?

  Eternally grateful that God had mercy on me again, I vowed to do whatever it took to stay away from alcohol. I stuffed huge amounts of Antabuse down my throat and stayed at home as much as possible. If I absolutely had to go out in public, I refused to walk anywhere near alcohol which was extremely difficult on a military base! But I was determined. Even when I went grocery shopping, I never walked through the alcohol aisle. I practically carried a crucifix with me whenever I left the house. I was serious about beating my addiction!

  When we arrived in San Antonio, Texas, I was so paranoid to be around alcohol that when a neighbor invited me up for dinner, I asked if they had any booze and when they replied a cheerful, “Yes,” I walked right back into my apartment and slammed the door.

  I never talked to that neighbor again.

  Garrett started his intense 57 week training for cardiovascular technologist and I stayed home and taught myself web design. I knew I had to stay busy if I was going to beat my addiction, so I bought an HTML book and started creating web sites. The creative monster in me was soothed again and the depression began to lift.

  I also noticed when I didn’t drink that my depression went down about 50%. I should have listened better in Army rehab. It may have been the wrong program for me but one powerful thing they did teach me was that alcohol causes depression.

  Now I knew they were right!

  Far away from the Champion’s Centre, it was hard for me to leave but I knew it was God’s will. I had made one too many military friends in the lonely wives club and the pity party was over. It was time to focus on my family and completely heal from the wounds of my past. Built up in the Champion Word of God, I would be tested to see if I would apply what I had learned.

  God wanted to promote me to the next level but He needed me to pass the test first.

  On April 9, 2000, I officially quit drinking and cigarettes at the same time. Garrett brought home some of his course work on cardiovascular disease and it scared the crap out of both of us. We threw out his Marlboro Reds and my Capri Lights for good and went straight for hard candy. Lots of prayer and red Jolly Ranchers, together we stepped out to beat our addictions and better our lives.

  Now we were a team. Garrett worked and attended a grueling Army school from 4 a.m. to 7 p.m. every day while I raised babies and taught myself computer languages such as HTML and JavaScript and learned software programs such as Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro, Microsoft Office and more. God lovingly allowed me to do what I loved most: create and learn.

  After months of intense training on both of our parts, Garrett was notified we were going back to Washington State where he would later be promoted as a non-commissioned officer in charge of the Cardiology Clinic. God proved faithful once again while we proved our potential. The powerful cycle continued and I began to grow and GROW like a powerful flowering plant, rooted and established in the amazing love of God.

  When I arrived back home at the Champion’s Centre as a new sober creation in Christ; I was also promoted. The children’s ministry needed a new Department head over the four year old class and I immediately accepted. Able to use my creative and leadership gifting, I ran that four year old class like an advanced military operation. Dressed to lead and conquer, I proudly wore my Champion T-shirt as I cheerfully greeted parents and children as they entered my class. In a church of over 5,000 people, I taught hundreds of precious children the powerful Champion Word of God. In charge of everything from writing curriculum, setting up activities and scheduling volunteers, I led over 30 parents every Sunday and Wednesday as we faithfully served in the preschool ministry. With a reputation for recruiting parents and volunteers to serve in my four year old class, I was called the church recruiter. There was no one I couldn’t get to serve. If God could use me, I argued, He could use anyone!

  I learned a lot about leadership, team work, and how to run a large ministry that first year of leadership at the Champion’s Centre. With a hunger to learn and a passion to serve God, I wanted everything He had for me and more! I was unstoppable. I even offered to do free graphic design work and maintain the church web site in exchange for attending Bible school. I was determined to improve myself and continue my education. Little did I know that God had a different degree in mind for me.

  With my eye on the prize and God’s Word tucked deeply in my heart, I thrived. The Champion life became real for me and God was doing above and beyond all I could ask or imagine just like the Pastor said it would in Ephesians 3:20:

  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!

  Amen and thank you for Helga!

  Admit One

  act VI

  Meet Shelley #3

  XXIV

  Admit One

  building a champion mind

  Chapter Twenty Four

  For God has not given us the spirit of fear;

  but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

  - 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

  In my right and sober mind, it was time to go into heavy battle and conquer the mind monsters that still held me captive. I had passed many tests but now it was time to step up and fight the final battle: getting past my past.

  “You can’t have a positive life with a negative mind,” Pastor Kevin preached during second service. More than anything I wanted to live a positive Champion life but I still had emotional baggage that I needed to face and get rid of.

  I thought about my mother. I hadn’t forgiven her completely yet. I may have stopped speaking badly about her but I still thought bad thoughts about her. The battle still raged in my mind and I had a choice to make: forgive and get promoted to the next level or stay where I’m at and march around the same old mountain.

  Tired of being a grumbling Israelite and missing the Promised Land, I decided to put into action what I had learned the past five years and really make an effort to not think bad thoughts about those who had hurt me. In fact, I did the OPPOSITE. I began to seek out and look for the best in others on purpose. I thought about my mother and the good things she did for me as a child. I remembered how she took me to the dentist every six months and how I had beautiful teeth because of it. I reflected on the birthday parties she threw for me as a child. I t
hought about her faithfulness to cook dinner every night for her family and how she cleaned the house. Now that I was a mother of three, I suddenly began to appreciate her more. I understood she made some clear mistakes that hurt me greatly as a child but I chose not to dwell on her mistakes anymore. I realized that unforgiveness was a spiritual and emotional poison and that it hurt me more than it hurt anybody else! Instead of living a toxic life and continue to destroy myself and my family, I began to practice Philippians 4:8 on purpose:

  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

  I fixed my thoughts on excellent things and when Satan sent mind monsters to remind me of my past, I stood on God’s Word and practiced Scriptures such as 2 Corinthians 10:4-5:

  For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

  I began to powerfully take every thought captive in the name of Jesus. ANYTHING that didn’t align itself with God’s Word was cast down immediately to the ground. Practicing to think good thoughts on purpose, I didn’t realize I was building a strong relentless Champion mind. Twenty-one days to make a habit according to my Pastor, positive thinking started to come natural to me and the blessing of God poured out onto my life.

  I started to actually enjoy life with my family and began to explore the beautiful wildlife of Washington State where we learned how to fish for salmon, dig for clams, shuck oysters and catch red rock crabs. Light years away from the old world of darkness, God used His exquisite nature to heal the broken little girl in me. Able to run and play in the sand, I lived out a second childhood on the squishy shores of Puget Sound. Shovels and buckets in hand, my venturesome family hurried to dig down deep to catch the rapid Razor clams and long-necks.

  Sometimes you have to dig deep, I thought to myself as I held a giant clam in my hand.

  God used the wonder of His nature to speak to me profoundly, especially when I tried to shuck oysters. Greedy to finally eat seafood again, I tried with all of my strength to open those obstinate oysters but they were hard to open!

  “Shelley, you’re just like that oyster.” God confronted me on the deeper areas of my life that I wouldn’t let Him open up and heal. When Garrett saw me walk off alone over the sandy hills, he knew God was leading me to a healing moment. Standing on the edge of the salty waters of Puget Sound, I allowed God to reach into the darkest places in my heart and expose the ugly lies I believed about myself.

  Huge salty tears pouring out like waves, God assured me He threw my sins out as far as the east is from the west. The tremendous shame and guilt I carried for so many years was being literally washed away into the Pacific Ocean. I was no longer a broken child of sexual abuse but a cherished Champion daughter of the Most High God.

  My Dad made the heavens, I thought as I sniffed up tears beneath the soft comfort of the white cotton clouds. Amazed by the beauty that surrounded me, I wondered how anyone could deny God’s existence.

  Then I reached down to pick up a beautiful long-legged starfish that floated up to me. Wide-eyed and childlike, I picked it up to inspect the gentle movement of its friendly legs. Soothed by the gentle glides, I thought about the gentleness of God.

  “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

  - Matthew 11:29

  I found rest in God’s gentle arms during those peaceful hours on the beach. Proving to me His personal and great love for me, I began to understand what a Father’s love truly was. Unlike my earthly father who was too busy, God was available, tender and concerned with every detail in my life. Finally, I received the attention and approval I always needed. Sad that I missed out on a relationship with God in the past, I recounted the wasted years I looked for approval from men in stripping, prostitution and porn.

  What a waste of eight years, I miserably thought as I tossed down a cracked shell to the ground.

  But God answered and promised me back, “Shelley, I promise you that not one ounce of your pain will be wasted. I have a powerful plan for your life and will use all of your suffering to help others someday.” I held onto His promise.

  The drives back home from the beach were just as amazing as the days spent there. An abundance of towering plum trees and emerald green bushes of blackberries alongside of the roads, our family loved to stop and jump out of the car and pick the ripe sweet fruit. Home to some of the world’s biggest and best blackberries, Washington State became a fruit paradise for my family. Every day during the summer I pushed my baby in the stroller and took my daughters to my favorite spots to pick blackberries. At the end of the season, Garrett bought me boxes of jelly jars and lids and I turned my kitchen into a jelly factory. I proudly named my sweet tasty creation, “Shelley’s Jelly” and sent it out to loved ones as Christmas gifts.

  People loved my jelly!

  When winter approached and I said goodbye to the three months of sunshine I was allowed out of the year, I learned not to complain but to find beauty even during the “winter” times of my life. Still in love with candles, I lit them and placed them all over my house to remind me of the flame growing in my heart. No longer did I need candles to shelter me in a world of darkness but now they served to remind me of the constant flame of the Light of God’s love.

  In the midst of the healing beauty of God’s touch on my mind and life, He began to touch my marriage. For the first time since 1995, I started to really love Garrett. I never allowed myself to become so close to another human being, especially after all of the pain and rejection throughout my life. But after five long years of struggling and healing from my past, my heart suddenly grew big enough to love and enjoy Garrett.

  Because I first trusted God, I no longer worried if Garrett would leave me. Because the foundation of my trust was in the God of creation and not in a human, I was free to love, enjoy and even make mistakes in my relationships. Whether I made the mistake or Garrett did, together we knew it was all covered under the Cross of Jesus Christ. God had already forgiven us for past, current and even future sins. Because we accepted by faith the sacrifice of His Son Jesus, we were allowed the freedom to grow in every area of our life, especially our marriage!

  Being married to Garrett suddenly became the biggest joy of my life. I was able to freely love him without hideous reminders from my past. A candle-lit room and a sober and healed mind, I learned how make love God’s way, not the world’s way. With Garrett’s beautiful blue eyes gazing deeply into mine, I allowed him to have full reign over my body and heart. At first it was extremely difficult for me to receive physical and emotional love from Garrett, but God gave me the strength and freedom to practice receiving love. Garrett and I also prayed before intimate moments and invited God into our bedroom. Yes, we actually invited God, the Creator of sex!

  At first I cried and blubbered like a baby but as God healed me through Garrett’s tender touches, I began to feel more comfortable and be able to give back selflessly to Garrett. For several years, Garrett and I stayed away from intimate sex and I won out, insisting on the cold unloving sex I was used to. I wouldn’t let Garrett tenderly kiss me or look into my eyes those first years of marriage. Sex was more like a ritual for me. But once I completely sobered up and had enough of the Champion teachings inside of me, I was ready to lay down the “facade” of sex we had been having and really allow Garrett to physically express his love for me. I laid down the old Shelley who got us through the first five years and the new Shelley happily submitted to Garrett’s gentle hands and together we discovered the beauty of Holy Spirit-filled supernatural sex!

  Amen and praise the Lord!

  Red-hot beautiful love was in the air and 1st Corinthians 13 proved 100% tr
ue as we practiced God’s love principles on purpose:

  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

  Our love didn’t fail because God’s Word never failed. Just like the rise and fall of the ocean tides during clam season, the powerfully built up Word of God within me released waves of Truth over the shores of my life. Every lie washed up and swept back into a sea of God’s forgetfulness, God’s Word returned to me the very thing for which it was sent: to fulfill His purpose for my life.

  Swept back by the crashing waves of God’s faithfulness and goodness, I was finally ready to enter into the Champion life He had prepared me for.

  XXV

  Admit One

  the champion life

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,

  that he may lift you up in due time.

  - 1 Peter 5:6

  It was 2002 and time to fly high. Champions for life, Garrett and I and our children set out to make a new life for ourselves outside of the military. Garrett received news that he was being honorably discharged from the military because of his damaged and worn out back. Poor Garrett’s back went out so often near the end of his military career that it naturally trained me to pick up everything off the floor. That was a true miracle considering I was a huge slob when he met me.

  Now in 2002, I was a Champion Mom who cleaned and made her home pretty, cooked elaborate meals, created colorful and functional web sites, canned her own jelly, raised beautiful children, served as a leader in a Champion church and even had schooling in her back pocket.