“I don’t think so,” I reply.
“She doesn’t think so,” she relays to Joey.
We begin for the hospital which is only twenty minutes away, and I rest my head back, my hands massaging my belly. Gwen gets on her phone and I assume she’s talking to Joseph, telling him were going to the hospital. They both carry on with their phone conversations, while I reach a hand out to the radio. The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” is halfway over when I stop on the station. I hum the song and try to focus on my body.
There’s a faint pain that comes and goes, but again, it’s not constant. I hope that when I get to the hospital, I won’t be far enough along and they’ll send me home. The waiting will drive me insane. But my water’s broken, and I know there’s something about that and a timeline to where the baby could start getting bacteria in there or something. But all the information I’ve read up on is getting jumbled in my head.
Both women are off their phones when we pull up to the entrance, and Maven jumps out to help me out, and Gwen leaves to park the car. I walk up to the front desk and tell the woman that my water’s broke, she takes one look at me and hands me a clipboard with paperwork and a pen.
“Name?” she asks.
“Katie Pedersen.”
“Fill this out, someone will call you back shortly.”
I give her a smile and take the paperwork. Maven and I take a seat in the waiting room, and I squeeze into one of the plastic chairs, attempting to hold the clipboard at an angle that I can write on it. But it’s a struggle with my belly and I end up resting it just below my boobs on my manmade desk. Gwen comes in and sits down on the other side of me.
“Shit, I thought they’d take you back immediately,” she says.
Maven agrees and I’m finishing the second sheet of information when I hear, “Katie Pedersen.”
The three of us get up and head towards a woman in floral scrubs, she gives me a wide smile as she tells us to follow her. We walk down a sterile looking hallway, then turn a corner and I see areas separated by cloths. She pulls one back, the sound of the metal hooks holding it up to a track clinking together.
“Go ahead and get undressed, put the gown on, and I’ll be back to check you.”
I nod and we file into the small room. I pull my white T-shirt and nude bra off, only occurring to me after the matter that Maven’s seeing my back for the first time. My scars are still visible, and I wonder what she’s thinking. She knew about my parents’ abuse, but knowing and seeing are two different things. I pull the hospital gown over me, and Gwen helps me secure the ties in the back.
I sit down and try to take my pants off, but Gwen helps me with that too. She gathers my clothes and puts them in a bright blue plastic bag provided by the hospital and sets it down by my other bag. I lay down on the bed and take a deep breath, nerves of anxiety for what the lady might say when she checks me has me on pins and needles. Moments later, she comes back and slides on some latex gloves.
“So your water broke already?” she says in a soft, soothing voice.
“Yes.”
“Okay, can you put your legs up, let me just check your dilation,” she tells me.
I bend my knees and she stands at my side, reaching one arm between my legs. She probes me and I look up at the ceiling.
“Feels like you’re at a four or five. So, let me call your doctor and see what she wants to do, okay?” she says while removing the gloves.
“Okay,” I nod and put my legs back down.
My hands nervously fiddle with the thin cloth gown at my sides, while Gwen and Maven small talk. I wonder what Joey’s doing, if he’s waiting by his phone for news.
“Katie?” I hear as the woman comes back in through the curtain. “Looks like your doctor wants to admit you, we’re gonna go ahead and move you up to a labor delivery room.”
A sigh of relief escapes me, and I move to sit up.
“No stay there, we’ll wheel you up in the bed,” she says, and opens the curtain before coming around behind me and clicking the foot locks on the pedals up.
She pushes the bed forward and I hear Gwen and Maven talking as we get into an elevator, I don’t know what floor we go to, but it’s fast. I hear the sounds of women in labor, groaning and screaming as we pass by rooms. Whenever I watched birthing shows, I always thought women in labor sound like they’re having orgasms. I can’t help it, I know it’s obviously painful, not sexual. But I pray that I don’t sound like that. The woman turns and wheels me into a room, and over towards the window, adjusting the bed so it’s parallel.
“Good luck,” she tells me before leaving.
Gwen thanks her and Maven sets my bags down.
“Call Joey, please,” I tell her.
She nods and pulls her phone out, walking into the hallway as she makes the call. Gwen comes over and takes my hand, a huge smile on her face.
“This is so exciting,” she beams.
I give her a look she must be able to translate.
“Oh, sweetie,” she tells me, leaning over and kissing my forehead. “Don’t be nervous, women have babies every day, and Joey can see the pictures,” she tells me, petting my hair.
“I just didn’t want him to miss it.”
I’ve been in labor for ten hours. My contractions began to get more intense and come faster within the hours. I try to hold off pushing, but as labor naturally does, your body takes over and your mind has no control over it. I’m groaning like I feared, sweat covering my face and body, my hair a slick mess. My doctor’s arrived and giving orders to the nurses as Gwen moves to my side, giving me words of encouragement.
“It’s time to push,” she tells me.
“I can’t, Joey needs to be here,” I whimper and shake my head.
“Okay, it’s time,” the doctor says, positioning herself between my legs at the end of the bed.
“No!” I repeat.
But Gwen takes one of my legs and brings it to the side of the bed. I start crying, this isn’t how it was supposed to happen. Joey is supposed to see his daughter being born, how can I tell our daughter that he missed this moment. A contraction begins, which the doctor can see on the monitor.
“Okay, push, Katie, come on,” she says, looking between my legs.
Just then Maven comes in the room, holding the door open. Through my tear blurred eyes, I see a huge form come in through the door, moving quickly to me. I blink and sniffle, not believing what I’m seeing. Joey takes my hand, leaning down to kiss my cheek and I look at him in disbelief.
“What?” I gasp.
“Beautiful,” he says, “let’s have this baby.”
I nod and another contraction barrels down on me, and I can’t hold out any longer. Squeezing Joey’s hand, I bring my chin down to my chest and start pushing. The doctor tells me to keep going, to take another breath and push. I’ve never felt pain like this. But just like I used to when my parents inflicted pain on me, my mind goes somewhere else.
“I see hair,” the doctor says.
Gwen taps my hand, signaling that this is almost over. While Joey leans over to take a look, and I look up at him.
“So close beautiful, she’s right there,” he tells me, running his free hand down my cheek.
“One bigger push,” my doctor says.
I inhale deeply, putting my chin down, and pushing until my lungs scream and the pressure instantly lessens. My head falls back, and everyone makes sounds of joy. Gwen says something and wipes her cheeks, while Maven is right there with the camera.
“Oh my God, Katie look,” Joey tells me with happiness in his voice.
I lift my head and watch the doctor cleaning the baby’s head covered with brown hair with a towel, before holding her up for us to see her face. She starts screaming, and I feel a release burst out of me. The stress from worrying about Joey, to being a mom, to letting go of the resentment I have with my parents, all comes out of me as I see my daughter for the first time.
“You did it, you did
it,” Joey tells me, pressing his face against my cheek.
I pant from exertion and the sheer elation I feel. The staff moves around the room, cutting the cord and cleaning the baby off on the other side of the room. I look at Joey, who’s openly crying and smiling as he looks at me. Then a nurse comes over and hands me our daughter. She’s not crying anymore, but whimpering and doesn’t look happy. I open the front of my gown to lay her on my skin. Both Joey and I touch her face, looking at her with awe.
“Nine pounds, twelve ounces,” Gwen tells us.
Her cheeks are full and she seems more long than chunky, but perfect none the less. She squirms her way down and latches onto my breast. The instant connection has me tearing up, and both Joey and I just watch her as we fall in love with our Natasha.
***
It’s a crazy thing, becoming a mom. I felt different when I married Joey, but not like this. I love Joey, with all my heart, but Natasha was my heart. That insanely protective instinct hit me hard, I would do anything to keep my baby safe. Having such a powerful reaction happen inside me, only made me more confused at how my own mom never once felt the need to protect me.
Becoming a mom conjured tons of feelings I’d pushed deep down when I left my childhood home, but I was working on it. More importantly, I struggled with being a wife and a mom. My body was in that ‘just had a baby’ flabby skin and hard boobs stage, and Joey looked at me like I’d never looked sexier. My priorities shifted, Joey being my only priority, to now including a little baby.
Six weeks passed and it was okayed for us to start having sex, but I just had no desire to. I tried explaining to Joey that it was something mental for me, that it was hard for me to deal with being someone’s mom AND someone’s object of sexual desire. I could tell he did not understand, but he didn’t push me. Once we did finally start having sex again, and time adjusting to my daughter, I felt like I finally was getting the hang of it.
We got into a schedule with Natasha, I got nights and during the day, and Joey did early morning and evenings with her. All in all, Natasha was an easy baby, she kept it simple, mainly cried when she wanted to eat. When Joey was working on base, we’d meet him for lunch, one of the perks of living so close to where you work. Joey was already talking about another baby, and by talking, I mean with always trying to get his penis inside me.
Chapter 14
Life goes on without a hitch, Natasha fitting into our lives seamlessly. I wish I could say that feeling of being able to handle all this was still going well, but not even two months later, Joey was heading back to work overseas. All the family left a week after Natasha was born, but when Dornan heard Joey was leaving, he arrived the day before Joey left.
Dornan helped me a lot with Natasha, watching her so I could take a nap during the day, and helping me around the house with cleaning and cooking. Part of me worried though that Natasha would confuse him for her dad since Joey was gone. But I did need the help, and I knew over time Joey would be able to spend more time with her.
Joey was gone on that stint for almost three months, and I was over it. He needed to be home with us. I knew I was being selfish, this was his job, and I knew he’d be gone a lot. But this was ridiculous. Natasha was becoming more active, and when we’d talk on the phone with Joey, she instantly would light up to the sound of his voice. I wrote everything she did down in a journal so he could read it when he came home. But reading, and experiencing are two different things. So as if I wasn’t already at wit’s end, a conversation with another Army wife had me on the verge of being committed.
“Hey, Katie,” Rose says with a wave as she walks down the driveway towards me.
I smile back and slow the stroller to a stop as Natasha and I take one of our several daily walks.
“I noticed, your husband’s still gone or am I just missing seeing him?” she asks.
“No, he’s still gone,” I say sadly.
“It’s weird, because I mentioned to a wife of another ranger how they always seem to be gone. She said they haven’t been assigned to anything in over six months.”
Her words have my brain stammering, not sure how to understand this. I try to remember how many jump teams there are, but know there’s only one.
“She also said they aren’t allowed to grow their hair out, which I know Joey’s is.”
It pisses me off she is openly telling me that she was clearly gossiping about my husband and me. Joey told me that since they go overseas for intel, that he was allowed to grow his hair and beard out to blend in with the locals.
“Okay, thanks,” is all I can muster as I redirect the stroller and walk us towards the house.
I don’t know what the fuck to think, or to say to him when he calls me later that night. There has to be a rational explanation for this. But from Rose’s tone of voice and look in her eyes, she was insinuating that he was seeing someone else. Maybe it was in my head, but what the fuck else reasoning would she have behind telling me that. I don’t want my head to go there, but it does.
What if Joey did have someone else? Someone he was using his job as an excuse to be with, weeks at a time. Telling me he couldn’t tell me what he did during these trips, was just a way to pull the wool over my eyes. Maybe I should’ve been asking what he was doing when he was gone.
These thoughts, never go away. Not when he calls me later that night, or the two more weeks he’s gone, they only intensify. When he does come home, one afternoon, he cups my face and kisses me, and I’m not overcome with joy. Oh no, I’m too busy smelling him for the scent of another woman. He takes Natasha and showers her with kisses, causing her to giggle and it only hurts my chest. I know he can sense something’s wrong but doesn’t bring it up, not until Natasha is asleep and I’m getting ready for bed.
“Aren’t you happy I’m home?”
His voice uncertain since I’ve done nothing but act like a total bitch since he walked through the door earlier.
“Are you cheating on me?” I blurt, turning to him.
“What?” he bellows.
“The Rangers haven’t gone out in six months.”
He looks down and sighs. “Beautiful, I have to tell you something…”
My stomach drops, here we go, and I sit on the edge of the bed with my heart pounding. He moves in front of me, kneeling down and taking my hands. His eyes meet mine as he searches my face.
“I’m not a ranger. Right after basic, I was asked to join an elite unit, which technically doesn’t exist it’s so secretive. I can’t tell you what we do, or where we go…it’s for everyone’s protection.”
“Joey,” I sob like it’s just bullshit what he’s just said.
He looks down and breathes deeply, then his forehead presses to mine.
“What I’m about to show you, could get me tossed out of the Army…but I want you to see I’m not lying,” he whispers.
Just then he stands, taking my hand and leading me towards the walk in closet and to his duffle bag. Guilt washes over me, and I stop walking, my hand causing him to halt.
“What?” he says looking over his shoulder at me.
“I believe you,” I tell him.
And I do. I kicked myself for thinking my husband, the man who’s always been true to me, would do something like that. I then felt guilty, and bad for even letting him in on my thoughts.
“Please tell me you don’t honestly think I would do something like that to us?” he asks, placing his hands on my hips.
“I don’t…but, I just…maybe it’s because there’s so much secrecy, all the wives do here is gossip…I let someone get into my head and doubt you, I’m sorry.”
He pulls me close, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck.
“I missed you,” he whispers against my skin.
“I missed you,” I sigh as my eyes close, my hands sliding over his shoulders.
His hands palm my breasts, which are fuller than usual with milk and we both groan. His fingers move around to my back and undoes the clasp, re
ady to remove my bra and tank top.
“No, I don’t want to take my shirt off,” I tell him.
He knows my whole situation with how I feel about my post baby belly, he’s told me many times I’m crazy and doesn’t agree with my thinking, but he wants me to be comfortable. He pulls my bra out from the top of my shirt, then pulls the front of my top down under my breasts. His lips attach to one nipple, as he makes quick work at removing my jeans and underwear.
We move towards the bed, and I reach over to the nightstand to turn off the baby monitor. His lips plant kisses all over my skin, well, exposed skin. This feels so good, his beard tickling my skin, the ends of his long hair delicately trailing behind his lips. I run my hands over his muscular biceps and back, he’s kissing down over my shirt to go down on me, but I’m so ready I don’t need that.
“I want you,” I whimper, parting my legs around him.
He takes his time, kissing back up to my collarbone, then my neck, adjusting his hips so he can slide into me. My eyes close as we join, just being with him like this, reconnecting the bond we have after being apart for so long. It’s emotional for me, more than physical. Like my soul is reconnecting with his, making me whole again.
***
Our lives went on this way, me staying at home being a mom, while Joey would be home for long stretches of time, reporting to the base daily, then going off to work for varied periods of time. When Natasha was two, I gave birth to our second daughter Lily. She was a spitting image of Joey, her hair and features dark, while Natasha was all me. Her hair was dark, but her eyes were crystal blue like me. But their personalities were switched. Natasha was stubborn and head strong like Joey, while Lily was quiet and always observing like me.
I did better this time around when Joey left and Lily was only a few weeks old, I almost handled it better with two kids than I did with one. Gwen, Joseph, Maven, and Dornan would come for random visits, staying a few weeks at a time. In between those visits, I’d pack up the girls in the Cadillac and go to Plantain. I loved living in North Carolina, but Plantain was home, and I hoped we could move back there once Joey was done in the military.
Take On Me: Plantain Series Book Three Page 15
