Sophia reached over and pulled the exercise band out of Ted’s pocket. She stretched it between her two hands the way I had done earlier. “One really effective way is to use Dynamic Tension. You can be a Coach for others by asking them questions that help them gain clarity about what they want to create in life. Help them assess their current reality—both what is helpful in creating their vision and what is inhibiting and getting in the way. Then explore with them possible Baby Steps they can commit to. That will begin to bring their heart’s desires into reality. The main thing is to remember to see the other as a Creator, to be curious and ask good questions to help them clarify, to listen and support them in their own self-discovery process.”
“A Coach cultivates empowerment and hope in the heart of a Creator,” Ted pointed out. “For the most part, a Coach is forward and future focused, supporting a Creator to learn from the past and from current realities. From time to time, a good Coach will consciously assume the role of constructive Challenger. Ultimately, a Coach helps a Creator take ownership and assume personal power, so he or she can respond consciously and purposefully to life’s circumstances. With the help of a Coach, a Creator can stay centered in the Creator Orientation. Staying centered allows you to become much more effective in the outer world, since you can focus on your envisioned outcomes and choose your response to whatever comes up—whether it is easy or challenging.”
“It really sounds too good to be true,” I said.
“As we’ve said,” Sophia responded, “TED* isn’t all sweetness and light. Even in this way of being, we can feel the weight of circumstances and lose sight of what’s most important to us. Those are the times when we most need a Coach. We all face problems and challenges that test our strength, but as we face and find our way through them, we grow in fortitude, wisdom, and compassion—and these gifts we can share with others. Tough times are the fire in which our Creator character is made strong and whole.”
I looked at Sophia, then over at Ted, then at Ted’s triangle in the sand. I felt almost light-headed as I considered the possibility of actually living this way. What would my life look like, centered in a position of empowerment, with the support of great Coaches to help me understand and respond creatively to my Challengers?
I looked out at the sea, and then up the shore toward the bench where Ted and I had met. Far out on the water the little sailboat had made its way up the coast. The seagulls, the surfers, and the sunbathers continued up and down the beach, while the crashing of the waves surrounded us.
“I sure would prefer to live my life as a Creator. I’m tired of wallowing in the DDT. It looks so easy on paper—or on the sand. But I have so many years of practice and habit living out the Dreaded Drama Triangle. I know all three of those roles forward and backward. How do I make the shift from DDT to TED*?”
“Aahhh,” said Ted, “that’s an important question, David. Let’s explore how Shift Happens!”
CHAPTER 9
Shift Happens
Maybe you’ve heard this before,” remarked Ted. “You’re not a human being seeking a spiritual experience; you’re a spiritual being having a human experience. It’s true. All human beings are spiritual beings, but most sleepwalk through their days. They are unaware of the reality that they have a greater capacity for choice than they know.
“The vicious cycle created by the Victim Orientation and the Dreaded Drama Triangle pulls people into the darkest depths of the human experience and breeds hopelessness. They long for a magical someone or something to race to their rescue. But no matter how much tough luck the human experience dishes out, the Creator Orientation and The Empowerment Dynamic provide a larger perspective. This is what I mean about
your taking on a spiritual perspective. Instead of a vicious cycle of reacting, this perspective offers a virtuous cycle of growth and development to anyone who adopts it. Think of it this way, David. Your life is a kind of learning laboratory where you’re constantly experimenting with your own higher knowing, always increasing your capacity to design your life and to choose your response to what happens to you.
“Human beings must create; it’s hard-wired. The reality is this: you cannot not create! The question is, are you creating consciously or sleepwalking through your life, simply reacting to what comes at you?
“While you may not directly cause everything that happens to you, you do have the capacity to choose your response to circumstances. And you have a great deal more responsibility for what appears in your life than you might want to admit. One of the biggest challenges is waking up to this reality, making the shift happen on a daily basis, and working to stay awake.”
“That reminds me of Victor Frankl,” Sophia said. “He was a psychologist who was imprisoned in Nazi death camps during World War II. He lived through unspeakable hardships and could easily have qualified as a Victim. During that time, though, Victor Frankl had a mind-blowing revelation. I have a quote from him written in my journal here. ‘Everything can be taken from a (person) but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’ To me, that’s quite a Creator statement!”
I looked out at the ocean. “I have to say, all this feels a little overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in, and to take on.”
Sophia replied, “I know, David. When Ted and I first had this conversation, I felt the strangest mixture of excitement and fear. Right now you’re setting a new course. It’s going to affect the rest of your life, so take it easy. Take it a day at a time. The journey starts with the fundamental choice to live from the Creator Orientation.”
Sophia’s description fit perfectly. In the pit of my stomach a weird cocktail of emotions was shaking itself up.
“Try using your own Dynamic Tension—those mixed emotions—by consciously choosing to live as a Creator,” she continued. “Each day, take a look at your current reality. When and where do the old habits of the Victim Orientation show up? Likewise, what’s it like when you’re in alignment with the Creator Orientation? Pay attention to these new choices and behaviors, and celebrate them! Keep on taking the Baby Steps that will transform the reactivity of the DDT and Victimhood into your new way of being.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I said.
“As I said before, it’s simple but not always easy,” Sophia said. “It’s important to develop the habit of noticing the choices you are making. I spend about twenty minutes each morning doing this. I sit quietly and say a little prayer of gratitude for my awakening. Then I invite guidance to support my living more fully as a Creator. I end by affirming that I choose to live this way, cultivating TED* relationships that offer mutual support. I spend a few minutes remembering how I did the day before in moving toward Creator choices. Then I decide on three Baby Step actions I will take that day. They’re usually things like having a particular conversation or reading an article or making an appointment. It’s amazing how those Baby Steps give momentum and purpose to my day.
“There are two important criteria for defining a Baby Step. First, it is something that is doable—something I can really take action on. The second is that it is 100 percent mine to do. That second one really makes me stop sometimes because it forces me to clarify my own responsibility and the fact that I can’t make someone else take a step for me. Doable and 100 percent mine to do—remember these principles as you choose your own Baby Steps.”
“In the end, David, we’re talking about choice,” Ted pointed out. “On the one hand, it is about choosing what you feel called to create and the steps you take in the process of living into your vision. On the other hand, you also choose your response to what shows up in your life—either as a conscious response or an unconscious reaction. When you simply react, it means you are choosing the way of the Victim. If, on the other hand, you stay mindful of current reality and determine how best to respond, you’ve entered The Empowerment Dynamic.”
Sophia added, “Unfortunately, before the
y can begin to make better choices, most people have to hit bottom in the Victim Orientation and the dynamics of the DDT. Some people say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for different results. As that way of being gets more painful, the possibility of breaking through to the Creator Orientation and TED* opens up. Then, just as it is happening with you, a person reaches that sacred and bittersweet place called the Choice Point.”
“What do you mean by Choice Point?” I asked.
Ted’s eyes sparkled. “As you go through your daily experience, at every point in time you are faced with a choice about which Orientation and dynamic you want to live within, and which role you’re going to play. The Choice Point is that moment in which you can consciously make a shift happen. The main way you make the shift is by choosing a more empowered role to play. Consider the roles within the DDT and TED* relationship triangles. You can shift roles to shift Orientations.”
Ted reached out with his walking stick and drew a vertical line in the sand. At the top he scratched Cr, and at the bottom he wrote the letter V.
Victim Creator
“There are two ways to look at the shift between roles,” Ted said. “First, you can change the way you see yourself; that very choice begins to make the shift happen. Second, you can change the way you view the people, conditions, and circumstances in your life; this also creates a shift.
“You might call one shift intrapersonal, meaning within yourself. This is where you shift how you meet your life experience. The other shift is interpersonal, which involves how you interact with others. This means being conscious of the roles you play in relating to and with others. As you focus on making shift happen, there is one reality that you must always keep in mind: you can only change yourself. You cannot make shift happen for others. However, as you grow more skilled at taking on the roles of Creator, Challenger, and Coach, others may make their own choices to change—but you cannot make it your goal to change them. You can only change yourself.”
“You’ve already made the most important shift, David,” Sophia said. “But let me ask you this. When you find yourself lapsing into the Victim role from time to time, how do you think you could make the shift to Creator?”
I thought over all that Ted and Sophia had told me about Creator Orientation. “Well,” I said, “I could remember that a Creator stays focused on a desired outcome, while a Victim is focused on problems. I guess the first thing I’d have to do would be to decide what I really want.”
“You’re a pretty quick study!” Sophia gave me a big grin. “That’s the key to making the shift happen. You stop and ask yourself: What do I really want here? If I could have or do or be anything my heart desired right now, what would that look like? Who and how do I choose to be in this situation?
“Just asking the question shifts your focus toward what you want to create. And there’s one other very important thing to consider. When you’re asking what you want, make sure that whatever it is, it’s intended for the highest good and won’t bring harm to anyone or anything.”
“Okay,” I said. “But isn’t being a Creator about manifesting whatever you want?”
“Well, yes and no,” Sophia smiled. “Yes, because it is about creating what you want to bring into your life. But no, a Creator doesn’t focus only on what he or she wants without considering its impact on others. Creating in that way would be ego-driven. Insisting on that kind of creating can easily set you up for slipping into the Persecutor role, losing touch with the Creator stance.”
Ted explained, “Asking yourself what you want—rather than focusing on what you don’t want—is the way of making shift happen between both the Victim and Creator orientations and Victim and Creator roles. It is choosing what you want to create, keeping in mind what Sophia just said, and it is choosing your response to your current realities. That is the intrapersonal shift.
“Standing in the position of Creator carries with it a great deal of responsibility, including how you respond to others, which is the interpersonal shift. Most of humanity is still sleepwalking through life in the Victim Orientation. You can help nudge people awake, depending on how you interact with them. But you cannot force them to make any of the shifts we are talking about.”
Sophia interjected, “I’ve learned that one the hard way, Ted. I finally figured out that the fastest way of getting someone to see me as a Persecutor is for me to tell them that they are just being a Victim.”
Ted smiled and nodded in agreement. “First and foremost, a Creator extends compassion to others. You can do this by seeing people as being Creators, whether they know it or not, and whether they are acting like it or not. As you make this shift in the way you see and interact with others, you can consciously step into one of the other TED* roles. You become a Co-Creator by serving as either a Challenger or a Coach, depending on the situation.”
Persecutor Challenger
Ted placed his stick just below the Cr and drew a diagonal line that ended just to the left of the V. He wrote P at the top and Ch at the bottom. He said, “This is one of the most powerful shifts of all: from Persecutor to Challenger. Most Persecutors show up in your life as deconstructive Challengers; you’d rather avoid them. But when you’re able to shift your view of persecuting people, conditions, or circumstances, the strangest thing happens—their actions have an entirely different impact on you: the empowering impact of the Challenger. Discovering this opens up a whole new world of possibility.
“You may wake up to a greater understanding of your anger, for one thing. Anger is one of the most powerful and feared of human emotions. In the DDT, anger correlates with fear: it’s the central emotion of the Persecutor. With TED*, though, anger can be a powerful motivating force. Used constructively, it helps you to move toward whatever you’re passionate about.”
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said
“Behind every experience of anger lies something you care about—otherwise you wouldn’t feel the anger,” explained Ted. “Many great contributions arose as empowered responses to anger. Gandhi, for example, felt anger about the injustice of British rule over India. It fueled his determination to lead a peaceful resistance movement that led India’s people to win their independence.
“Another possibility presented by The Empowerment Dynamic is forgiveness. You cannot make the shift from Persecutor to Challenger without some measure of forgiveness, of both yourself and others. Someone once said that forgiveness is giving up the hope of ever having a better past. There’s nothing you can do to change the past, but you can choose how you think about what has already happened in your life. You then apply the learning from that experience to the process of creating what you care about.”
“Anger and forgiveness were so important in my learning from and letting go of my relationship with Dan,” Sophia said. “At one point I came across a quote from the writer and philosopher Henri Nouwen, who said, ‘Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing.’ Once I surrendered to the fact that I could not change what had already happened between Dan and me, I was able to redirect my energy to focus on what I wanted to create in my life. Now I can honestly say I’m grateful for our divorce, painful as it was, because of what I’ve learned and overcome by dealing with it.”
“When problems and obstacles arise—and they always do—they’re part of the creating process,” said Ted. “Welcome them as teachers that are challenging you to grow. In this way, you transform your situation into an opportunity for action or at least for learning, and the gift of the Challenger is yours. The pain received from the Persecutor then magically becomes the bittersweet fruit of deepening knowledge, of learning from your experience.”
I thought about how anger and forgiveness had been darting around inside me in various ways in response to Dad’s passing, the infertility, and the divorce. It felt like sifting through the rubble of what seemed to be the ruins of my life.
“So how do I begin to do that?” I
asked.
“There’s an exercise you can use,” Sophia offered. “First make a list of the people, conditions, or circumstances you have thought of as Persecutors. For each one of them, list at least seven ways they have been a gift or a teacher to you. How have they challenged you to learn and grow?”
I groaned. “With some things that’s easier said than done!”
“Maybe so,” Sophia said. “But I think you’ll be surprised at what you uncover. The trick is to keep asking yourself questions: What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into my life? How and what can I learn from this? What’s the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears?
“Once you’ve written down the Challenger’s lessons and gifts, spend some time going a little deeper. I suggest journaling at that point. As things become clearer, ask yourself more questions: What insights have I gained from this experience? Is this lesson complete for now? If it is, am I fully ready to forgive, let go, and move forward in my life? By making this list and asking these questions, you can transform all your Persecutors into Challengers!”
“David,” said Ted, “there’s another aspect of making the shift from Persecutor to Challenger that can be even trickier than what Sophia’s describing.”
“What could be trickier than that?” I blurted.
“What we’ve been talking about so far is the intrapersonal shift—how you choose to respond to a Persecutor in your life. The trickier shift is the interpersonal one, when you find yourself in the role of Persecutor or if someone perceives you as one. Shifting yourself from Persecutor to Challenger takes tremendous conscious focus and effort—and no small measure of humility. You can often tell if someone is perceiving you as a Persecutor by the way he reacts to what you say or do. If he starts getting defensive, that’s a clue that you are showing up for him in the Persecutor role.”
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