by Gini Koch
“He was going to smash my head in,” Clorence whispered. “I overstepped.”
Noted that Roanach and the other sheep and possums were sidling behind me and White. Had no idea if this meant that they were going to attack us from behind or if they were hoping that they wouldn’t get hit by Telzor. Possibly both.
White noticed and he turned so that his back was to Telzor. So, we were as ready as we were going to be.
Telzor’s eyes narrowed. “Just because you’re a female, don’t think that I consider you anything other than an enemy.”
Time to fight, Lilith said. I’d forgotten she was there. Be ready.
“I’m always ready.” Moved into a fighting stance. “Telzor? Feel free to bring it, you big, nasty bully.”
“You would fight me here, now?” Telzor asked.
My music changed to “Little Queen” by Heart. It was always nice when Algar and I were in sync.
“I would. Because Mister White and, therefore, Clorence, only gave you part of my introduction. I’ll give you the rest—I’m Kitty, the Warrior Queen.”
Results, as so often happened, were immediate.
CHAPTER 99
TELZOR ROARED AND ATTACKED, but without drawing a weapon. He went for my head.
To be nice, I didn’t grab my gun and shoot him dead. Instead, I went into scissor splits, put my hands together in a double fist, and slammed them right up into his gigantic balls, using all my enhanced strength and hyperspeed. Lilith gave me an impressive assist here, too. We were a good team. Besides, under the circumstances, it was literally impossible to miss.
Heard gasps from the sheep and opossums as Telzor’s roar changed to a scream of agony, then a squeak, as his hooves left the ground. Yeah, it had been a good hit. I brought my right leg around and spun on my butt, then leaped to my feet in a move worthy of Jet Li. Prayed White had seen it.
Telzor landed flat on his face. I went to his head and slammed my foot onto it. “I am the Warrior Queen,” I bellowed. “And I demand an audience with Mad Lord Johpunnt or I will deal with every person on this planet as I’ve just dealt with this one!”
“You haven’t killed him,” Roanach said in the way one does when a superior has missed a key step and the underling doesn’t want to get killed for mentioning or not mentioning it. Noted that all the Outer Guard who were male—which was most of them—were all in a commiserating protective crouch around their groins. The few females looked like they’d just learned a new move. That was me, taking feminism to the stars.
“No, I haven’t.” Looked at the ridiculously huge swords this guy was carrying and decided I’d ruin the show if I tried to lift one of those, enhanced and with Lilith inside me or not. “We show mercy where I come from. Once.” Shoved my foot on Telzor’s head again. “And only once. If you ever disrespect me or my people again, I will end you in a way that ensures you die in agony.”
Telzor managed a high-pitched moan of pain.
“I’ll take that as an apology. And it if wasn’t, understand that the next time I’m not going to hit them, I’m going to rip them off.”
“We eat your kind where we come from,” White said in a cheerful, conversational tone. “You might want to remember that, as well. My Queen, shall we? Clearly we need to work harder to find this Mad Lord. Or else he fears you, as I suspected.”
“Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, fears no one,” Telzor managed to squeak out.
“Oh yeah? Then why are will still waiting to meet him?”
Clorence cleared his throat. “We need Telzor to take you to Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun—”
Put up the paw. Clorence shut up. The One True FLOTUS Power worked everywhere! “Unless you are required by law or the threat of death to say the rest of that phrase about his reflection, stop it. We got it, the Mad Lord and the sun have a ‘thing’ and everyone’s really proud of it.”
“It’s not a ‘thing,’” Roanach said. “It shows our love and respect.”
“Work under the assumption that we figure you love and respect the dude and that we neither want nor need to hear the thing about the sun ever again. Or at least not until you do the official introductions.”
The sheep and opossums seemed unsure. Time for more of my kind of diplomacy.
“You know, I can and do kick people right in their special parts as hard as I hit them.”
“Maybe harder,” White said in that Helpful Retainer way.
“True. Maybe harder. Does anyone want to find out?”
Every head shook violently to indicate that no, they did not. Even the females.
“Then let’s get this show rolling.” Looked down. Telzor was still wrapped around his own personal pain. “You all need to pick Telzor up and carry him to wherever it is we’re going.”
“The capital is far from here,” Clorence said.
“So, is Telzor only the Captain of the Guard for the Outer Guard, then?”
“No,” Roanach said. “He is the Captain for Mad Lord Johpunnt, may—” He caught me glaring. “. . . ah, yes. For the Mad Lord.”
“He can be taught. Then that means that Telzor came from the capital, and pretty quickly, all things considered. Meaning Telzor has the means to travel fast. Take us, and him, to those means. And chop-chop, time’s a wasting.”
Sheep and opossums other than Roanach and Clorence lifted Telzor. It took twenty of them, and they were struggling with it. They dropped him a couple of times. Did my best not to enjoy this. Failed.
“Where do you think the others are?” I asked White softly while the Outer Guard continued to drag, drop, and carry Telzor and we followed. Roanach was leading and Clorence was hanging close to us.
“No idea, but I assume they’re enjoying watching you work.”
“I hope they’re taking notes, then.”
We reached a large vehicle that looked like a flatbed truck as visualized by the Star Wars gang. No tires, it floated above the ground. The Outer Guard managed to toss Telzor face down onto the flatbed. Even though he took up a considerable portion of the bed, there was plenty of room for more cargo.
Checked out what I was going to consider the cab of this vehicle until told otherwise. It was a lot like the front of most trucks—a bench seat, a steering mechanism created for someone with hoof-hands, pedals for hoof-feet, and space behind the back of the bench seat, presumably to store their version of jumper cables or similar. There was an opening in the back of the cab that, on Earth, would be for a window. This was just open. Chose not to care about why at this precise time.
The cab was roomy, clearly made for Telzor’s bulk and height. Eyed the others. No one other than White was going to be tall enough to drive this puppy unless I made them tag team it, and that just seemed like more than they were going to be able to emotionally handle. And we didn’t want to crash this vehicle, so White driving was out.
My music changed to “Mr. Cab Driver” by Lenny Kravitz. The clue seemed clear.
Looked around. “I would like my Royal Driver to appear, please.”
Had expected Len, but it was Buchanan who appeared out of nowhere. Could have been that he let go of Siler. Could have been that he just wanted us to see him now. Buchanan had Dr. Strange powers, and if he didn’t want you to see him, you didn’t.
The sheep and opossums gasped even louder than they had when I’d smashed Telzor’s tenders. Interesting. They didn’t have hyperspeed, presumably only the bulls had extra strength, and they didn’t have anyone who could go invisible or just appear out of nowhere.
“My Queen,” Buchanan said with a bow. “You called?”
“I did, Doctor Strange. We need to drive this puppy to wherever the capital is. And I would prefer that you do this, versus Mister White.”
Buchanan nodded—you didn’t need to tell any human working with the A-Cs why we didn’t want
an A-C at the controls of things like this. If it wasn’t A-C made, their reflexes were too good and they’d destroy the machine—I’d experienced this firsthand during Operation Fugly, and some lessons I learned immediately.
Buchanan examined Telzor. “He looks ready to get up. You want me to make him dead?”
“Only if he becomes a problem.”
Buchanan put his face near Telzor’s. “I think he wants to become a problem.” Buchanan had a really crazy mad look in his eyes. “And I prefer to remove problems before they bother my queen.”
Telzor growled. “She made her point. I will allow her to meet Mad Lord Johpunnt. He will deal with all of you.”
Buchanan nodded. “Gotcha.” Then he slammed his elbow right between Telzor’s eyes.
“Um, is he dead?”
“No,” Buchanan said. “He’s just unconscious, which is how we want him.” He removed the two giant swords Telzor had on his back and put them behind the seat in the cab. He did the same with the gun he had strapped on his back, and indicated he wanted mine, which I handed over. Both of those went behind the seat. “Let’s go.”
“First, Roanach and Clorence, we have no idea where we’re going. Do you?”
They both nodded. “We will show you the way,” Roanach said.
“Great, then get on next to Telzor and stick your heads through the opening when you need to give us directions.” Looked around as I said this, hoping the rest of my team would catch the clue. “We’re about to head off. It’s been nice meeting all of you,” I said to the sheep and opossums. Who continued to stare at me in a form of shock.
My music changed to “Drive Away” by The All-American Rejects. Chose to take the hint. Got in next to Buchanan, who was already in the driver’s seat, White got in next to me with his gun at the ready, the living embodiment of riding shotgun, and we took off, Roanach and Clorence sticking their heads in on either side of mine.
“Cozy,” White said.
“Speak English,” Buchanan said, in English. “Think about it, we’re all speaking the native tongue, but we have a language they won’t understand.”
“Wow, you’re right.” Had to actively shift my brain to talk the language I’d been raised in. “That sleep teaching stuff really works.”
“Did the others get onto the truck?” White asked.
“Hope so,” Buchanan said. “That was our plan even before Missus Executive Chief asked me to appear. We considered taking the shuttle and following you in that, and they may have done so, but I have no idea now.”
“Have you heard anything from the others?” I asked.
“Not yet, no. Give everyone some time. What I do know is that Abby felt angry when the sheep and possums first turned around. But once we ran off and came back using Siler’s blend, she didn’t feel angry anymore. She doesn’t know why yet, but it’s something for us to keep in mind.”
We drove along, Roanach or Clorence giving directions as needed, Algar flipping me back to the Cosmic “Kitty’s Not Getting It” Thing playlist. There were no roads at all. Probably because you didn’t need them if your vehicles floated. Or else there were too many volcanic eruptions to bother. We passed two in the near distance in the time it took to travel along to what really appeared to be nowhere.
There were farms, though, or what looked like farming. “Is that Orange Scourge, do you think?” I asked as we passed groves of a bright orange substance that looked familiar.
“Possibly,” White said. “They have to eat something.”
“The rabbits and least weasels said it was delicious, too.”
“This system has been traveling,” Buchanan added. “Could mean that the spores got sent out somehow and just finally hit Cradus.”
“True enough.” We subsided back into silence. Saw a lot of sheep and opossums. Could tell that the females were doing most of the farming, based on the number of smaller sheep and opossums that were hanging about. All of them had wool or fur the same colors as the world.
“Why do they all have tusks, do you think?” White asked in English.
“Bulls have horns and possums come equipped with them,” I pointed out. “Sometimes the possum tusks are small, but I’ve seen some with big ones.”
“But while sheep can have horns, they do not have tusks. And if they’re growing crops, then they don’t need tusks to kill their food. While a mating ritual is possible, I would, based on what we’ve seen so far, find it unlikely.”
“No idea,” Buchanan said. “Though I’m sure we’re going to find out just like I’m sure it’s going to be a reason we all find horrific. This world is the definition of horrible.”
However, what we weren’t seeing were things that looked like towns, let alone a capital. Nor was there any industry that could produce rockets. Frankly, there was no industry at all, though did spot some crops that looked like cabbages or lettuces or similar that were all burnt yellow in color.
“You’re not just trying to take us to some prison, are you?” I asked Clorence. Twice. Once I did it in English, he looked blank, and I shifted my mind back to the native tongue.
“No. We told you—the Outer Guard stays far from the capital.”
“Why?” White asked, not having any language shifting issues.
“We need to guard the farmlands. We have many enemies.”
This again. “Do you? Because what we saw when we came into this system was a lot of planetary rubble floating in space and your planet shooting bombs at the only other planet left in this system.”
“We have been oppressed since time began,” Roanach said, sounding like he was quoting scripture, which, for this place, he might well be. “We are fighting against our oppressors.”
A thought occurred. “Did you have enemies when your people first arrived on this planet?”
“Yes,” Clorence said. “The dangers were many and our forebears had to fight to survive and create an existence on this world. The strong survived, as they always do.”
“How many enemies have you all, personally, had to tangle with, before we showed up?” Buchanan asked.
Roanach and Clorence were both quiet.
“I’m going to go out on a limb and bet that the answer is ‘none.’ Isn’t that right, Clorence?”
He sighed. “Yes, it is. The Outer Guard is not blessed with the same levels of opposition as the other Guards are.”
“You know what we’re going to find, right?” Buchanan asked in English. “There is no ‘opposition,’ not any more. There was once, and that’s probably why they all evolved tusks. But that opposition has died or been stamped out and they could be living peacefully, but they aren’t. Meaning, there’s only this Mad Lord and he’s got these people under his control and that’s how he keeps the control.”
“Just like Darkseid. Only Darkseid has powers, and I’m not getting the feeling that anyone on this planet does. The few things we’ve done have amazed and terrified them. That sort of screams backwater to me.”
“Never assume that the ones put on the worst duties are indicative of the others,” White said.
“Telzor’s supposedly the Captain of the Guard. He had no defense for hyperspeed and, let’s face it, he’s now our prisoner. He didn’t recognize that we were carrying laser guns, or guns of any kind. I’m not impressed yet.”
“Other than by his package,” Buchanan said dryly. “Yes, we were all staying close by and heard everything.”
“Cool! So everyone saw my awesome Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat moves?”
“Yes, we did. Anyway, everyone’s impressed. And happy you like us.”
There was a soft beep and I now had Billy Idol singing “Cradle of Love” in one ear, while in the other ear I had Jerry. “My Warrior Queen, your King would like a word with you.”
CHAPTER 100
“HEY JERRY. Um, were you eavesdropping?”
“You can see us?” We rounded a gentle curve to see more crops—these looked like alfalfa or something similar, though it was, like everything else, fitting this color scheme and coming up a light red. These fields were being tended to by a lot of cows, accompanied by calves and some rather spindly-looking bulls. These bulls were not going to cause Telzor any self-esteem issues. The bulls and male calves all had black hides, the cows and female calves had reddish hides.
“Yeah, the hackers figured out how to properly enhance Mother’s ability to drill down visually. Great moves. We’re all impressed.”
“Yeah? Did you know where I learned those moves?”
“Watching Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat.”
“Got it in one!” As with the other farms, there were sheep and opossums on guard duty. Unlike the others, we were passing much closer by these farmlands. Wondered if we were going to have issues, but Roanach or Clorence waved to them, depending, and the guards waved back. Had the feeling that Roanach and Clorence were showing off that they were on one of these vehicles in positions of, if not authority, at least not disgrace.
“I never had a doubt. Oh, and those who bet against me have to pay up—I told them that’s where you got the idea.”
“Steal from the best, that’s our motto.”
“True enough. Love your new ride, too. And, from what we can see, the sheep and possum aren’t lying to you—you’re heading for something that sort of looks important, at least compared to what you’ve been traveling through. Now, here’s Jeff.”
“Baby, I hear you’ve been using your own special form of diplomacy.”
“Could have let a giant bull clobber me. Chose to clobber him.”
“That’s my girl.”
“Always, Jeff. What’s up? I’m in the middle of, hopefully, getting to see the top man around here. One of these days, at any rate.”
