by K. F. Breene
It was three days until Sean and Krista left for their trip. She was beyond excited. Sean had kept up his long hours and was letting things slip. They went from having sex once or twice daily to a few times a week, to a quick once a week. He was skipping surfing and getting home in time to eat a quick meal and fall asleep with his clothes on as soon as he hit the mattress. Krista wanted some time alone with him without the pressing demands of work.
From what Marcus said, Sean was well beyond Tory’s wildest expectations, and still reaching for more. It was at a steep price, though. It broke Krista’s heart to see Sean wasting away. He wasn’t eating well, he wasn’t working out any more, he wasn’t sleeping as much as he should, and his stress level was through the roof. Nothing anyone said got through to him. Nothing would make him slow down.
The final straw would be if he flaked on Krista that weekend. If he did, she would cut him off. She would walk away. She was dating a shell of a man and it wasn’t fair to either of them.
As she always did, she made her way into the kitchen. And as he had every other day, he was sitting at the small round table in the corner, in the dark, eating a tub of heated-up freezer food that looked terrible, and tasted worse. He was staring straight ahead, not noticing anything around him. If he was a robot, he would be in sleep mode. When he wasn’t at work, this was his default setting, even when making love. The man was continually shut off.
Krista sighed before she summoned up her happy face. Marcus told her she had to always present a happy, upbeat self around him these days, so he’d know what he was missing. It seemed like Marcus was trying to mend the relationship through his advice—he strangely wanted them to succeed as much as she did. Every time she reported back that Sean didn’t miss her any more with an upbeat self as with a mad, cranky self, Marcus sighed and came up with another tactic. So far, no luck.
“Hey you,” Krista said, slinging her hand bag over the opposite chair.
Sean glanced up and his brow furrowed. Lately he didn’t smile all that much, not even when he hadn’t seen her all day. He wasn’t even as popular among the girls at the office anymore. They weren’t chasing him all that hard, or gossiping about him hardly at all. And that was saying something.
“Hey baby,” he said, his brow still furrowed. “Look, I’ll just come out with it. I won’t be able to go this weekend after all.”
Krista’s heart fell out of her chest and flopped along the floor. After it wedged itself under the kitchen cabinets with all the moldy and forgotten food, she blinked a couple times. She sat down slowly, a million words she wanted to say on the tip of her tongue, and taking a deep breath so she didn’t. Call her a fool, but she didn’t see this coming. Usually Sean was a man of his word. And he promised her several times that the trip was for sure. Several times, through all forms of communication. Krista honest-to-god thought he would go. That they’d talk and hang out, and they’d get back on the right path.
Fool me once…
“Why?” She maintained a level voice. She wouldn’t get mad yet. Maybe someone was dying.
“There is going to be a convention this weekend and it would be beneficial for me to attend. There are a lot of connections I would like to make.”
“Can’t you make those connections another time?”
“I’d have to do it piecemeal. This way, they are all in the one location.”
“Okay, but, you have plans this weekend.”
“I know, Krista, and I’m sorry. But this is really important.”
“Sean, I am really important. Your promises to me are really important. You always talk about what a fool you are for letting me go. Well, here you are, letting me go again.”
“Yes, but, you’re coming back.” He had his patient voice on. He used that voice when dealing with people like Bob. Basically, he thought she was being a small minded idiot for not seeing things his way.
“Are you sure?”
Sean’s eyes narrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“What do you think it means, Sean? This is the very reason why I still, to this day, have misgivings about us. You are never around. I barely see you anymore. You are less than a shell of a person. This was exactly what I said I didn’t want.”
“Krista,” Sean pinched the bridge of his nose. His tolerance of their discussion was over before it began. “I told you that I wanted to hit a goal before I relaxed. I haven’t hit the goal yet. As soon as I do, I’ll calm down. If you would just move in, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. You could see more of me.”
“See more of you? Sean, I see all there is to see of you. In the evenings, I get here a half hour after you do. In the morning I leave an hour after you do, if not more. I am in this house more often than you are. Me moving in means you wouldn’t even have to remember to leave the door unlocked. You would have someone to cook for you, clean up after you—everything but wash your ass for you. That’s not seeing more of you. That is servitude.”
“I don’t have time for this. I wanted to go, but it is impossible. I’m sorry. End of discussion.”
There was finality to his statement that sent her over the edge.
“End of discussion? What am I, a 1940’s housewife? That is not the end of the discussion. You don’t have time for me, period. You don’t have time for anything. You are a walking graveyard. You look like shit, Sean. You are mean, you are bitchy, and you never smile. What do you think that means? It means you are unhappy!
“You have a girl you claim to have wanted for years. You have her. Here I am. But guess what, smart guy? You’re losing her. I didn’t sign a pact to be with you through thick and thin. Why? Because you won’t sign the same thing for me. You treat me like I am expendable. Worse than expendable, actually. And guess what? You don’t go this weekend, and seriously change your lifestyle, then I’m leaving. I won’t stay around for this. I have to look out for number one, me, because, and this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you, you only look after you. So you have three days to really rethink your position about this weekend.”
Sean was looking at her skeptically. “So you’re saying that if I don’t go, you are giving up on us? You would let this relationship fail?”
He was trying to hit on her fear of failure. He thought he could manipulate her. It added a heavy film of sadness over her anger.
“Sean, I’ve never believed in us. Not since you pushed me away, twice. Not since you showed up here, without calling, after you were finished hitting your life goals. Since then, I never thought we would succeed. I didn’t think you would compromise to be with me. And look, I was right.”
Sean’s eyes got as big as saucers. It was like she physically punched him in his gut, and he felt beyond wretched, but she was also telling the truth. Little did he know that she had been carrying around this hurt all throughout their time together. She worried it would come to this. It devastated her that it actually did.
Krista snatched her purse and turned to leave. Before she did, though, she turned back around for one final shot.
“And Sean, you talked about family. About having two kids, maybe three. You told me once that you would make a great father. A great husband. What kind of father and husband spends all his time at work? Can’t share dinners with his family? Is always making up excuses and flaking on plans at the last minute? A bad father, Sean. A bad husband. Because you know what? This will never end. What you are doing right now…it’ll never end. You’ll find new goals to hit, new ways to be better. I want my children to know their father. I want my husband to come home to spend time with me. I guess I am selfish like that. I can’t have those things with you. That is clear to me now. I’m sorry.”
Krista turned on her heel and walked out of the room. Tears were streaming down her face, but she knew she was doing the right thing. Everything she said was true, and it locked into place as she said it out loud. She felt like she took the last spark of hope she was harvesting for him, plucked it out of her heart, and dropped it in the trash o
n her way out the door.
As she got in the car, the familiar bubble of pain was back. The Sean hurt box was wide open and throwing a party in the empty Hope room. Life truly sucked.
Krista cried harder that night than she had in a long time. Harder than she cried when she left him for L.A. She had hoped he would prove he wanted her forever this time, that he would’ve learned his lesson. Instead, they ended up in the same place.
At one point, Jasmine came into Krista’s room and crawled in bed with her. Apparently everyone was expecting this, so when she heard Krista come home in tears, she knew what probably happened.
The next day, Sean didn’t call. Krista didn’t even get an email for work-related issues. The day after, he didn’t call, either. She saw him passing in the hall by the break room and got a stiff nod as he dictated something to Janice. Sean never passed her by without a twinkle in his eye and a few casual words. Not since he first got to L.A. Actually, not ever. Not in their whole history of knowing each other.
Sean hadn’t called, but Cassie did. Once or twice a day since Sean and Krista got back together, and about three or four times in the last couple of days. Krista was the sister Cassie had always wanted, and she was cashing in, both with general chatter and with a support network. She and Krista got along better than great, and they were constantly in communication about events, big and small. As this event was huge, Cassie weighed in via voicemail (Krista generally didn’t answer her phone at work):
“Krista, I texted that horse’s ass. He ignored me! Can you believe the nerve? So screw him! You got me in the divorce, kid. I will marry you myself when I move down there, don’t you fret. I’m texting him that he is a dick every hour—hah! Actually…I’m going to start texting him profanities. He’ll hate that! Hang in there, okay? Love you! Oh, and tell K-Jaz that Operation: Flaming Dog Poop is a go!”
All day Thursday Krista hoped Sean would at least call to talk. Or send a quick word to apologize for flaking. A distant part of her hoped she was all wrong, and he planned to go with her the next day after all. When 4:00 rolled around, her hope had all but vanished. She had been staring at her email, hoping, but when she finally looked up, Ben and Kate were sitting across her desk.
“Oh. Hey guys. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“We are headed to happy hour. Since this is technically your Friday, you’re coming,” Ben said with steel in his voice. That wasn’t like Ben. Kate, definitely. Not mousy Ben.
“I should at least wait until five.” Krista glanced at the clock. It was a quarter past five. She had been staring off into space for over an hour. Yikes.
Kate and Ben were looking at her with pity written plainly across their face.
“Pity party, table for one?” Krista said with a small smile.
“Been there,” Kate said. Ben agreed grimly.
Krista turned off everything and followed them out of the office. She was definitely lack-luster. Vacation alone was dismal at best. Vacation alone because your partner flaked on you was worse.
They settled in a booth at the local watering hole as Jasmine and Marcus came through the door.
“Geegee! Good to see you. What time are you headed to San Diego?” Marcus asked in a voice that was infused with Prozac.
“Don’t try to cheer me up, Marcus. It irritates me. I am leaving tomorrow at about noon. I have to load up all my gear.”
“What gear are you taking? I know you’re already packed,” Jasmine said.
“When were you packed, last week?” Ben asked.
“I had to repack last night.” Krista stuck her tongue out at Ben. “There were some things I no longer had to bring. Gear. Surfing stuff, mostly.”
Krista gulped down her beer and held up her empty bottle for the waitress to notice and fix.
“I hear there’ll be big surf down there. They think Saturday, right?” Jasmine asked. Her voice was tight.
“Yeah, why?”
“I heard it on the news. Big surf, as in, bigger than a novice is probably used to. As in, don’t surf it, Krista.”
“If it is really that big, I don’t plan to. But it doesn’t come in huge waves all across the coast line. I’ll pick a beach that isn’t pro, don’t worry. I don’t have a death wish.”
“Not usually,” Ben said. “But when you are broken hearted you tend to misuse the rational side of your brain. I think you should stick to alcohol. It isn’t deadly.”
“It can be,” Krista replied in defense. “Look, you guys, I’m not going to mess with the ocean. Saturday night I’ll get so shit-faced I’ll forget all my woes and won’t be able to go on Sunday. One day of moderate waves. Relax. And if you are that worried about it, drive down and meet me.”
Looks went around the table, but no one said anything. Krista tapped a fake microphone. “Is this thing on?”
“Just don’t be a fucking idiot, Kris. That is all we are asking,” Kate said with a smirk.
“Okay, dish.” Marcus leaned forward on the table.
Krista rolled her eyes. “Do you only hang around me for the gossip?”
Marcus put his hand on his chest as though an arrow just went through it. “Despite the fact that since Sean showed up you’ve had some great gossip, no. You are a friend, and I happen to know that sharing the hurt makes a girl feel better. If you want, I’ll go first.”
They sat and listened as Marcus reviewed his latest dating faux-pas. The best story was the one where he was with a guy that had a boyfriend away on a trip. The rule was: If your boyfriend is out of town, feel free to screw around. Marcus cashed in on that until said boyfriend walked in. Then Marcus had to make a run for it. Him describing his James Bond tactics of getting out were hilarious. Too bad he got caught.
After he was done and everyone was in tears from laughing, Krista told her not-as-funny story. Everyone nodded as she went along; they saw it coming.
“Ouch on the farewell speech, though, Krista.” Ben had his eyes downcast.
“It’s true, though. He’s becoming the opposite man he wanted to be.”
“Sean needs to hear it,” Macrus said, nodding. “He needs a wakeup call. Have you seen him lately?”
Everyone shook their head.
“Well, he’s not looking so hot these days. I mean, you know, for him, obviously. He’s lost weight, he’s got dark circles under his eyes, he looks haunted—the man looks like he’s in the throes of a heroin binge!”
“He works ridiculous hours.” Krista drained her beer in an attempt to keep her tears away. She planned to pass out rather than cry herself to sleep.
“I can’t imagine he is all that happy,” Ben said dismally.
Krista shook her head. “Lost his sex drive, too.”
Marcus gasped. “A man his age losing his sex drive? It’s worse than I thought!”
Everyone laughed. While it was seriously upsetting, and Krista cared about Sean deeply, it was nice to make light of the problems she was trudging through.
Chapter Thirty-One
Saturday dawned a bright, fresh morning. Krista was on her way to the beach of choice for her surfing venture. She’d talked to a guy at the hotel bar the night before and he recommended a beach with moderately sized waves. It had been a lonely day, but being doted on all evening really boosted her spirits. The guy had asked if she wanted a night cap in his room, which really just meant sex, of course. Krista nearly agreed out of pure pain—just to get back at Sean for hurting her—but thought of what Ben said about her misuse of logic. If she were single, there was no way she would touch that drunk Tool.
The beach had smooth sands and crisp waves. There were a few surfers out in the water down the medium sized beach. There were also a few people laying out, trying to catch the last of the summer sun before it turned directly into winter—fall was fleeting at best down in this part of the world.
When Krista was walking down the path to the beach, she realized the waves were a smidge bigger than anticipated. Certainly bigger than she was used to. She very ne
arly turned around and walked back to the bar, but what else was she going to do? Sit in a bar alone like an alcoholic? Plus, they weren’t that much bigger. She had to progress sometime.
Getting out past the waves was a chore. The first wave that rolled through nearly caught her up and took her with it. She had to be more conscious of diving down, and she also probably went a bit deeper then she needed to, but she eventually made it.
She got a nod and a Hey from the two guys close to her, and swam away to give them some room. She sat on her board for a minute, soaking in the sun and watching the various guys down the beach grab waves and ride them in. They all looked like well-oiled machines. It was fantastic watching them. Also a little nerve racking. She’d thought the beach was for surfers just shy of intermediate, like her. These guys were way intermediate. It made her wonder about being out here. The waves were doable, but a small fear nagged that possibly she was in over her head.
Krista swallowed her fear and decided it was time to give it a try. The next wave that looked like a keeper came in and she paddled to reach that sweet spot that would sweep her away. Hitting it just right, she hopped up…and felt like she was free falling down the face of the world! It was a huge rush! Her adrenaline peeked and suddenly the day, the wave, her feet, her life—everything streamed by in HD. Bigger than a rush! It scared the living hell out of her, but she made it! It wasn’t pretty, she didn’t remember anything past the feeling of that first plunge, but she made it!
Krista was smiling like a fool when she made her way back out. She got another nod from a guy paddling not far away. She ducked a wave and kept going, making it back out and ready to try again. Fleetingly she wished Sean was there sharing it with her. Sharing that incredible ride.
She pushed that thought away and focused. She felt great. Also a little out of her league. A surfing buddy was probably the way to go, but there were plenty of people around, so she was fine. She’d do a couple more waves, and then head in.
