by K. G. Reuss
“I . . . I can’t do that,” I stammered. I had zero experience when it came to romanticism and the opposite sex. I’d end up doing their homework, not them. I winced at the thought.
Then something else surfaced in my mind. A conversation I’d had with Calix about something just like this. I frowned as I tried to recall the words, but it had been so long ago, I couldn’t remember the specifics.
“Put on this outfit and see where the night takes you,” Mel said firmly, pulling me from my thoughts. “If you decide not to do anything, then you still looked great. If you do decide to do something, you looked great doing it.”
“Your logic is so skewed,” I muttered, taking the outfit into the bathroom.
“I know,” Mel laughed as I disappeared.
I looked at myself in the mirror and let out a nervous sigh. I could do this. I could wear this outfit, go out with my friend, have some fun, and see where the night led. Hopefully back to my bedroom, where I could be alone once again.
I pulled the outfit on and felt so naked. The halter top was low cut, short, and wrapped around my abdomen, leaving my somewhat tanned midsection showing. The plunging neckline didn’t leave much to the imagination either. I looked down at my belly ring and chewed my lip nervously. Mel had talked me into getting it over the summer, saying I’d look sexy with one. I’d fought her all the way to the parlor, but now that I was looking at it, it didn’t look bad. In fact, it really did look good on me.
The skirt was short. Too short. And definitely showed a whole lot of my long legs. I gulped as I looked at myself in the mirror again. This was so out of character for me. Everything was anymore, though. I was turning into some kind of freak anyway.
“Come on, Ana! I want to do your makeup and hair!” Mel called from the other side of the door. I took a deep breath and pulled it open.
Mel’s face split into a huge grin as she surveyed me. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” she squealed. She pulled me to her vanity and began fussing over my hair and makeup. Within a half hour, she had me looking like I’d stepped off the runway for a fashion show.
I studied my reflection in the mirror and barely recognized myself. My green eyes were brighter than ever, and my full lips were plush pink and oh so kissable. If I had anyone to kiss, that is.
“You look incredible,” she grinned at me. I did a turn in front of her mirror and nodded. “Brandon is going to flip when he sees you.”
“Brandon?” I asked, confused, as I gazed at myself.
“Uh, your date. Remember? I told you he was meeting us there with Chad!”
“Oh, yeah, right,” I replied. I’d forgotten about having a date. That took the pressure off a bit.
Brandon. I could handle Brandon.
We made our way out to Mel’s car and over to Kevin’s house. I’d only been to a handful of parties, and every time, I’d spent it out on a patio or lawn by myself waiting for Mel to hurry up.
“I can’t wait to see the look on Kellin’s face when you show up,” Mel gushed as she pulled up the winding driveway to Kevin’s immaculate home.
“What about Brandon?” I asked, confused.
“Screw Brandon,” she scoffed. “If you can get Kellin or Calix, you’ll be my hero!”
“You know I can’t do that,” I laughed uneasily. I remembered the way Calix smelled and winced. He was all around me even when he wasn’t here. The thought was unsettling. And frightening.
Every thought going through my head was scary. I still didn’t feel like myself, as though the voice was still lurking in the back of my mind.
And it probably was, I reminded myself. Brain tumor and all that.
I followed Mel into Kevin’s house and was met by a surge of loud music, smoke, and my drunken classmates dancing and yelling. This was a crazy party and bigger than any of the others I’d ever been to.
“Melly Bear,” Chad greeted her with a huge grin on his face. He scooped her tiny body up into his arms and squeezed her tight. I felt my heart tug a little at seeing them so happy. I wanted that. Not Chad, but someone who was that excited to see me walk into a room.
“Where’s Brandon?” Mel asked as he put her back down on her feet.
“Couldn’t make it,” he grimaced and then looked over at me wide-eyed. “Whoa,” he remarked, taking me in. “Wow, Ana. Wow.”
“Hey,” Mel said, slapping at him playfully.
“Sorry, I’ve just never seen her like that. She looks incredible,” Chad said with an approving nod.
Mel grinned at me. “See? Even my boyfriend wants you!”
Chad’s face burned red with embarrassment, and I felt a surge of sympathy for him. Mel was a good-hearted girl, but she was blunt sometimes.
“Well, I guess I’ll just get a drink,” I said with a shrug. So no date. Big deal. I could handle this. I could always leave if things got weird. I sighed in relief and smiled at my friends.
“You’re going to drink?” Mel asked in surprise, and I shrugged.
“Sure. Why not? I didn’t get all dressed up to sit on the lawn.”
She grinned at me and pulled me and Chad over to the keg, where he got us a round of drinks. I caught wolf whistles from some of the guys on the patio and blushed.
The night wore on slowly, and I consumed more than my share of alcohol. My head was swimming by midnight, and I was laughing like I was the happiest person in the world. Quite a change considering the sudden turn of events in my life.
Mel and Chad had walked away and left me to go dance, and I leaned lazily against the railing of Kevin’s patio and looked up at the moon. Something about the darkness felt comforting. Almost like the shadow man I’d seen. He had been comforting, even if he was a bit frightening.
“I barely recognized you,” Calix’s soft voice pulled me from my thoughts.
I leveled my tipsy gaze at him. “I’d recognize you anywhere,” I commented with a smirk.
“I don’t think you would,” he chuckled. “Especially with so much alcohol in your veins. I’m surprised you’re able to stand.”
“I am perfectly fine,” I said dismissively. I tilted the remainder of my glass to my lips and finished draining it.
I gasped when I pulled the glass away from my lips to find Calix incredibly close to me.
“Scare you?” he murmured, staring me in the eyes.
I felt my stomach flop uncomfortably at his closeness and let out a breathy laugh. “You aren’t so scary.”
“No?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. “Well, you don’t really know me either, Princess.”
“Princess,” I scoffed at the term. “Hardly.”
He chuckled and smiled at me. I gazed into his dark eyes and felt a pull in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him. I wanted him to want me. No, I needed him. He was my air. I was nothing without him.
I winced and shook my head to clear the weird thoughts from my mind. They weren’t mine! Were they? I frowned as I tried to sort through the jumble of confusing thoughts in my head.
“Are you OK?” he murmured, tilting my chin up with his strong hands.
“No. I mean, yes,” I breathed out, not even sure how to answer him.
“Is there something I can do?” he asked gently.
Tell him you want to be alone. Walk away. Don’t look back.
“I . . . I need you to leave me alone,” I blurted out.
I shook my head in shock at my words. I didn’t want that. Did I? What was happening inside my head? It was like I had two beings in there, as though an angel and a demon were fighting for my attention.
“Really?” he asked in surprise. “I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“It’s . . . it’s true,” I answered as if on autopilot. “I need to go.”
“Ana,” he said, reaching out and grabbing me by my elbow, his eyes narrowed. “You don’t always have to listen to the good voices, you know. Sometimes the bad ones can be good too if you give them a chance.”
I felt like I’d been doused in cold wate
r. He couldn’t possibly be inside my head.
“I-I have to get out of here,” I said, stumbling past him.
This was unreal! Were there really voices in my head? How did he know about them? I felt myself begin to panic as I pushed through the crowd of people.
I made my way to the kitchen and approached the two guys manning the hard alcohol.
“Hey, Ana,” Brett Peters said, looking me up and down. “Need something?”
“A drink, please. Something hard,” I added breathlessly. I needed to drink until I didn’t feel anymore. It was the best plan I had at the moment.
“I have something hard for you,” Jason Munson spoke up with a harsh laugh. I rolled my eyes at him and took the shot Brett offered me, downing it.
“Another,” I demanded, handing the glass back to him. He grinned and pour me another. And another. And another.
My vision swam so I leaned against the counter to steady myself. The euphoric numbness was taking over, and I let out a contented sigh.
One more.
I slurped it down as Jason and Brett high-fived one another for my effort.
“Ana,” Kellin said, his warm hand touching the small of my back.
“Kellin,” I slurred out, trying to focus my gaze on his face. It swam before my vision and I frowned. That last shot may have been overkill.
“I think you’ve had enough,” he said gently. Brett and Jason booed him and he shot them a dangerous look before pulling me away from my new friends.
“I think I could probably have one more since I’m dying anyway,” I reasoned as I grabbed one last shot.
“Ana, don’t,” Kellin murmured. “You’re going to get sick.”
“I am sick,” I replied in a monotone. I tipped the shot back and let it burn its way down my throat.
“Let me get you out of here,” he offered kindly, his hand on the small of my back again.
“How about no,” I laughed and grabbed his hand. I pulled him out to the center of the room where a mass of bodies was dancing.
“What are you doing, Ana?” he asked, looking around, a nervous smile playing on his lips.
“Dancing,” I replied, swaying my hips and pulling him closer. “What are you doing?”
“I guess I’m dancing,” he replied helplessly, placing his warm hands on my hips and moving along with me.
“We’ve never danced together,” I murmured. “Why haven’t you ever wanted to dance with me, Kellin?”
“I’ve always wanted to dance with you,” he replied, a fire growing in his eyes.
“Ah, but you’ve always been with Courtney,” I said, moving closer to him until our bodies were touching. I felt him tense at our closeness, which only made me want to break through more.
Alcohol. My social lubricant.
“It’s more than that,” he answered, looking down at me.
“Well, you have me here, Kellin. Dance with me,” I whispered into his ear. His grip tightened around me, and without warning, he was moving against me and swinging me around like he’d somehow been a dancing champion in his previous life.
He had moves I’d never dreamed of. His hands were everywhere as he led me through the music, and I couldn’t keep track of the room as we whirled around it. When the song ended, I was pressed close to his thick chest, my lungs aching from my breathlessness.
I looked up at him and he was staring down at me, a storm swirling in his blue eyes. A muscle in his jaw was tense, and I saw it working as he thought through his next move.
“Come with me,” he said evenly, and before I could answer, he was pulling me through the room and out the front door. I saw Mel and Chad as we passed by, and they looked from Kellin to me, clearly confused by what was happening.
Kellin took me to his truck, lifted me up into the passenger seat, and buckled me in. He made his way over to his side and climbed in behind the wheel, then sat there staring straight ahead, the heat radiating off of him as he fought with himself.
He turned the key, making the truck roar to life, and then squealed the tires all the way out of Kevin’s driveway.
We drove in silence, and I didn’t say a word as he pulled down a dirt two-track outside of town. We drove for what felt like hours deep into the woods before finally coming to a stop in the center of a clearing.
A clearing filled with dancing wildflowers.
Chapter 17
“What are we doing?” I breathed out as I studied the field through the pane of glass separating me from my beloved flowers.
“Enjoying the view,” he commented, sliding over and unbuckling my seatbelt. I looked up to him and gave him a nervous smile.
“How did you know I like wildflowers?” I asked after a pause.
“You aren’t all that hard to figure out,” he replied. “You’re always drawing them in your notebook. I knew these flowers were still in bloom despite the lateness of the season. You deserve to enjoy them before they’re gone.”
“You know what I draw in my notebook?” I mused.
“Yes,” he replied easily.
“How?”
“I just do,” he answered simply.
“I drank too much,” I said with a slur, feeling my head spinning on the inside.
“I know.”
“I want to touch the flowers,” I said suddenly. Before Kellin could stop me, I opened the door to his truck and stumbled out to the flowers, where I twirled around in the middle of them. It was like I was feeling what they felt—calmness, ease, joy, a freedom to dance with the wind.
Heaven.
I fell backward, but instead of hitting the cold, hard ground, Kellin’s arms wrapped tightly around me, and he pulled me down with him. I clung to him as my drunken state slapped at me.
“I’ve said this to you before, Ana. I know you don’t think it’s true and that I’m not serious, but you are so beautiful,” Kellin murmured, his arms wrapped tightly around me as I snuggled next to him.
“I know you mean it,” I replied softly. “I just know there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Kellin sat up suddenly and leaned down over me, his blue eyes intense beneath the full moon. He pushed my hair away from my face and stared fondly down at me, a sadness in his pretty eyes.
He went from looming over me to being just a breath away from my face, his eyes sweeping my face hungrily. I licked my lips in anticipation, not knowing if this was a good idea or not, and then deciding I didn’t really care.
He pressed himself against me and his warm lips found mine. They moved expertly over mine, his breath warm and sweet and his hands gently cupping my face.
This was nice. I liked it. My first kiss was from Kellin James. It was beautiful if truth be told. It was perfect. Peaceful. Serene. Gentle.
His desire grew more intense, and he pressed his lips harder into mine. A little moan escaped my mouth as his hands raked through my hair. Just when I thought he was going to take things to the next level, he stopped and rested his forehead against mine, his breathing ragged.
“I’ve wanted to do that for so long, Ana,” he breathed out. “You have no idea.”
“I think I have some idea,” I answered faintly.
He rolled off of me and stared up at the night sky, a sad look marring his handsome face again.
“What’s wrong? Was I bad?” I asked, feeling nervous.
“No! No way, Ana! You were, for lack of a better word, amazing. Everything I’d dreamed it would be.”
“But?” I pressed, knowing there was a but coming.
“But I shouldn’t have,” he finished with a sigh. “Not yet. Not like this. You’re drunk. There’s . . . there’s more I need to say to you and I can’t. It’s not right.”
“Courtney?” I asked softly as I sat up.
Kellin followed my lead and looked off in the distance. “Yeah, there’s that, but it’s not really the main reason,” he said gently.
“What’s the main reason?”
“Because,” he shrugged helplessly. �
��I didn’t really want to do this. Not like this. I was forced into it. It wasn’t my plan, but then I spent so much time with you that I-I started to really like you. I don’t want to do it like this because there’s so much more to it, and I want you to have the choice.”
“What?” I asked tensing. “You didn’t want to? You were forced? A choice? I’m here, Kellin. Ask me and I’ll choose.”
“It’s not like you think,” he answered hastily.
“Then what the hell is it?” I pressed, wrapping my arms around myself as the cool autumn air nipped at my skin. “I’m pretty sure you just said you liked me but that you were forced into it.”
“I did, but I can’t explain it to you, Ana,” he replied helplessly, offering me no real clue what the hell he was talking about. “I shouldn’t have done this with you. I didn’t want this to happen. I wanted . . . I wanted you to know, to decide for yourself. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”
I looked over at him, and seeing the pain in his eyes, I swore loudly. “You son of a bitch!” I climbed swiftly to my feet, surprised at how agile I was despite my intake of alcohol. “You brought me out here to the middle of nowhere to pull this crap? You knew how I felt about you, and you took tonight to take advantage of those feelings? You know that was my first . . . my first kiss,” I said, stumbling over the embarrassing words. “I wanted the first time to mean something, and you played me. I can’t believe you, Kellin! Where is Courtney? Sasha? I bet they’re all having a good laugh knowing you’ve brought me out here to leave me. That was it, wasn’t it? You were supposed to leave me out here in the dark, all scared and alone, while you returned to them all smiles to tell of how you triumphed. Well, I have news for you, Kellin! I’m not afraid of being alone! I’m not afraid of the dark. I am the darkness. If you only knew,” I hissed, turning on my heel and marching away from him back toward the road.
I had every intention of leaving him standing there just like he had intended doing to me.
“Ana! Stop!” he shouted, running to catch up to me. He grabbed my arm and tugged me around to face him.
