by Jeanne Allan
“Don’t get comfortable. You’re not staying,” Elizabeth said.
“We need to talk.” He patted the sofa beside him.
She didn’t want to talk. She knew what he was going to say. He was going to be boringly self-sacrificing. Offer himself on the altar of marriage. Because he blamed himself.
It had to be said. “If I hadn’t been such a crybaby last night, it would never have happened.” She sat stiffly on the edge of an upholstered wingback chair across from him.
“You didn’t cry.”
“You know what I mean. If I hadn’t said anything, you wouldn’t have felt sorry for me. You would have slept alone in your bed and I would have slept alone in mine.”
“It wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun.” Worth smiled, a sexy curve of his lips which jumbled her insides and set aflame the nerve endings beneath her skin.
And conjured up memories of his pleasure-giving mouth and fingers. Pleasure her body remembered all too well.
Her eyes shot to his and the gentle compassion she saw there humiliated her. Dredging up anger, she asked acidly, “Fun for whom? You never removed your jeans. Unless you get your kicks out of proving you have some kind of power and control over women.”
“Elizabeth, that isn’t—”
“Forget it. It doesn’t matter. Call it widow’s itch.” Looking him straight in the eye, she brought out the lie. “Any man who touched me would have evoked the same response.” She dared him to call her a liar.
“I’m better prepared now.”
“Good for you. Why don’t you hurry down to the reception before everyone leaves and see if you can find another pitiful woman and administer a dose of charitable sex to her?”
Worth unbuttoned the collar of his white shirt. “I knew you’d have a temper.”
“You’re too good to be true,” she marveled, using anger to fight the pain. “I’m afraid of horses, I have a temper, I’m puny, I’m pitiful, you hate the way I wear my hair, and still, you’re willing to sacrifice your dreams to marry me.” A blind man couldn’t have missed the way he winced at the word marry. Or the way he squared his shoulders and firmed his jaw with resolve. Prepared to swallow the bitter pill. “I’ll bet everyone in Aspen calls you St. Worth.”
“Maybe I should have said something this morning when—” He bit off the rest of the sentence.
Elizabeth finished it for him. “When I first seduced you. Go ahead and say it. I know what I did. The problem wasn’t what I did. It was your interpretation. I thought I was suggesting mutual pleasure. You thought I was begging to be taken care of.”
He gave her a thoughtful look. “Suppose I begged you to take care of me? How many times would call us even?”
“When it comes to charity, I already gave at the office,” she said in a caustic voice.
Shrugging out of his jacket, Worth laid it across the back of the sofa. “I think we’d accomplish more if we changed the subject from sex, and talked about marriage instead.”
“No.”
“I want to marry you, Elizabeth. Do you at least believe that?”
She believed it. Unfortunately, he wanted to marry her for all the wrong reasons. “I don’t want to marry you.”
“Russ would be pleased.”
“I’m not in the habit of marrying to please my father.”
Taking off his tie, Worth carefully folded and refolded it, before giving her a level look. “If you are concerned about what kind of father I’d make to another man’s son, I promise you I will be the best father to Jamie that I can. I will love him as much as I will love the rest of our children.”
Elizabeth inhaled sharply. Worth didn’t need to tell her that. He had a generous, loving heart as big as all outdoors. That was why she loved him. Her anger collapsed like a pricked balloon.
Her love for Lawrence had been immature and superficial. They’d never shared their fears and aspirations. Two cardboard people in a cardboard marriage. She’d never questioned her lack of interest in seeing beyond Lawrence’s surface to explore his inner self.
After two weeks she knew more about Worth than she’d learned about Lawrence in a year of marriage.
Her throat swelled with unshed tears. There were so many things she’d never learn about Worth. She wanted to peel him like an onion, learn his secrets, peer into his soul.
She’d been in love with Lawrence and wanted and expected him to make her happy.
Loving Worth showed her the depth and complexities of genuine love. She wanted him, but loving him, she had to let him go. Being in love, one took. Loving, one gave. The most loving thing she could give Worth was his freedom.
She wanted to be his love, not his responsibility.
The pain began to eat through her rigid control. If she hadn’t come to Aspen…No. The one thing she refused to regret was coming here, meeting Worth.
Adversity could defeat you or make you strong. She wasn’t strong yet, but she would be. She had Jamie. She’d survive.
Crossing the floor, Elizabeth sank to her knees in front of Worth and took his hands in hers. “Worth, you will make a wonderful father. I wish Jamie could be your son, but he can’t be.”
“He could be.”
She shook her head. “I can’t marry you just so I’ll have a husband and Jamie will have a father. I can’t marry you to please Russ or your mother or anyone else. I can’t marry you because you feel sorry for me and feel responsible for what happened. You’re not responsible for me or for Jamie. I’m responsible for me and for my son. I thank you for the offer, but I cannot and will not take you up on it.”
Worth tightened his fingers around hers. His gaze never left her face. “We could make it work, Red.”
“One man already married me for the wrong reasons. I won’t let another man do the same. I want you to have your adventures. Travel. Be footloose and fancy free. One day, when you’re ready to settle down, you’ll find a woman to love and you’ll have children of your own to love.”
“I want to love your child.”
He said nothing about wanting to love her. She wanted him to lie, but if he lied, he wouldn’t be the man she loved.
Elizabeth lifted his hands to her lips and pressed a kiss on each. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for your many kindnesses to Jamie and thank you for being willing to marry me. Thank you for entertaining me and thank you for last night and this morning.” Ignoring the heat coloring her cheeks, she let her eyes roam over every inch of his face, imprinting it on her brain. Later she would be able to recall every tiny wrinkle, every pore. The exact shade of blue.
The blue darkened and he said her name impatiently.
She laid a finger against his lips. “Most of all, thank you for forcing me to remember who and what I am.”
Tugging his face close to hers, she kissed him fiercely. When he would have made more of the kiss, she pulled away, sitting on her heels, her back held rigidly straight. “You’d better go now.”
Worth stood and looked down at her. “You sleep on your decision. We’ll talk in the morning.”
Elizabeth folded her hands together. A person had only so much willpower. She summoned up the last of hers. “No. This is goodbye. The hotel van is taking me to the airport. I’ve already made arrangements.”
He started to say something, changed his mind, and walked slowly out the door.
Out of her life.
Pride and courage abandoned her and she slumped back on her heels, staring at the bloodless fingers clenched together in her lap. She’d done the right thing. She ought to be feel noble and virtuous and good.
If a herd of horses had pounded her insides into pulp, she couldn’t feel more bruised and battered. Slumping over on the carpet, Elizabeth curled into a fetal position and repeated over and over again that she would make it. She and Jamie would be okay. They would be. They would.
Tears leaked from her eyes. It wasn’t fair that doing the wrong thing seemed so right while doing the right thing caused such pain.
Enough makeup could hide anything. Clutching the edge of the cold marble countertop, Elizabeth studied her face in the mirror and hoped she’d camouflaged red-rimmed eyes. Giving in to tears the night before had been a mistake. All her weaknesses, her frailties, her emotions had washed to the surface.
Pressing her palms flat against the hard marble, she forced herself to breathe slowly and deeply. In the bedroom Jamie bounced in the crib and jabbered. Think of him. Breathe slowly. In and out.
A sharp knock on the door of the suite heralded the arrival of the bellman, come for her luggage. Picking up Jamie, she looked around one last time. Professionally, Elizabeth approved of the well-appointed, beautifully decorated suite. Personally, she didn’t care if she ever again saw vine-patterned carpeting or Art Nouveau furniture.
Jamie practically leaped from her arms when Elizabeth opened the door. She inhaled sharply. “I told you I have a ride to the airport.”
Worth indicated her luggage to the bellman, canceled the van at the front desk, and drove her to Aspen airport. She made no further protest because if she opened her mouth, the wrong words might come rushing out. She’d made her decision. The right decision. Living with tears and pain would be easier than living with a man who felt nothing for her but responsibility.
He sat beside her on the commuter plane to Denver. She looked out the window. He played with Jamie. At Denver airport they both directed their words to Jamie.
Elizabeth grew tense as the time of her departure neared. She fumbled for the words to send him away before she weakly gave in. “Thank you. We’ll be fine from here. You don’t need to wait.”
“I’ll wait.”
She tried to pretend it didn’t matter. “I talked to Mary and Russ briefly this morning before they left for Vancouver. I didn’t say anything about us. I’ll write them a letter while they’re gone.”
“Elizabeth—”
Interrupting him, she plowed ahead. “Have you decided where you’ll go first? What you’ll do?”
After a minute, he said, “I suppose China. I’ve always wanted…”
When he didn’t finish, she said determinedly, “I’m sure you’ll love it. Different food, interesting culture, beautiful sights.”
A disembodied voice announced advance boarding for her flight, and thankfully, Elizabeth stood, reaching for Jamie. “I guess this is goodbye. Thank you again, and have fun on your travels.”
Worth carried Jamie and her largest bag on the plane. Before handing her son to her, Worth gave him a big hug and kiss. “You be a good boy and take care of your mom, Jimbo.”
Elizabeth swallowed hard. “Jamie,” she said for the last time.
“Have a good flight, Red.”
“We will.”
“I’ll send you a postcard from China.”
“No,” she said sharply. “Don’t.”
His intense gaze thoroughly scrutinized her face before he said, “All right.” Bending down he gave her a hard, swift kiss, and then he was gone, striding down the aisle, a tall man in a black cowboy hat. Walking out of her life.
Because she’d sent him away.
Elizabeth stared blindly at the upright seat back in front of her. Boarding passengers banged into her shoulder, but she was numb to physical sensation.
Suddenly Jamie bounced excitedly on her lap. “Wa, Wa, Wa!” he cried, clapping his hands with glee.
For a split second Elizabeth allowed herself to hope, looking up at the tall cowboy sitting down across the aisle.
“Sorry, ma’am. Didn’t mean to bump you.” The man placed his black, wide-brimmed hat on his knee and smoothed his silver hair.
Jamie shrank back in his mother’s arms and thrust his thumb in his mouth. He stared at Elizabeth with big blue eyes and didn’t make a sound as warm drops of water fell on his face.
Worth reined in Wally and pulled off his slicker, rolling it up and securing it behind the saddle. The pungent odors of wet earth and damp pine filled his nostrils. As a small boy, he’d ridden with his grandfather Yancy after summer rain squalls. Yancy had taught him how to see. One day Worth would do the same for his sons and daughters and grandchildren, pointing out the dainty deer tracks in the muddy trail or the flash of yellow as a small warbler darted between branches in a patch of willows.
Mist rose from the grass, blurring the green grass.
Forcibly reminding him of Elizabeth’s green, tear-smeared eyes as he’d walked away from her.
He’d always hated saying goodbye at airports. Hated seeing everyone else’s excitement and anticipation while he stayed behind. His lingering depression since she’d left was nothing more than impatience to start his adventures.
The old man at the airport had talked about adventures. Standing beside Worth at the large window, he beamed at him. “Seeing the wife and kid off to Grandma and Grandpa?” The man hadn’t waited for an answer. “Good-looking family.”
It had been easier to thank the man than explain.
“I wish I was your age again, starting out on the big adventure. Getting to know a woman. Raising a family. Never knowing what tomorrow is going to bring, but jumping out of bed each morning eager to face the day. Because each day is something new, something exciting, married to the right woman. I envy you, young man.” The man didn’t seem to notice the moisture filling his faded eyes. “My Ella’s been dead five years now, but what an adventure we had.”
Wally stamped an impatient foot, and Worth nudged the stallion into an easy lope. The old man missed his wife, that was all. You couldn’t compare hiking the Appalachian Trail to being tied down to a family.
He wondered if Jamie was walking yet.
What would Elizabeth say if he called her to find out?
Another question hit him, and Wally stumbled as Worth unconsciously pulled back too hard on the reins. He patted the stallion’s neck. “Sorry, boy.”
The unanswered question nagged at him all day. He told himself it would go away when he pulled out the travel brochures. If wasn’t as if he’d lost interest in them. He’d been busy.
Sitting at his desk, the question popped up again. What if he called Elizabeth?
What if a man answered her phone?
A month had passed since they’d returned to Nebraska. After reading her letter explaining she and Worth were not getting married, her father had phoned her and they’d had a long talk.
A good talk. Over twenty years of misunderstandings had been cleared up. She’d confessed her fear of horses, and Russ made it clear he didn’t care if she ever went near a horse again. She was still his favorite daughter. Elizabeth had kept her secret about Lawrence’s betrayal, but they’d talked about his funeral, with both of them shedding a few tears over Russ’s apology. The conversation had ended on a note of closer understanding than they’d shared in years.
Sometimes the days she’d spent in Hope Valley seemed like a long-ago movie Elizabeth had seen of someone else’s life. Until she saw a certain shade of blue and memories would taunt her with what could have been.
Perhaps someday she’d be able to remember the good times without remembering the pain.
And maybe the night would come when she could fall asleep without seeing Worth Lassiter in her dreams. Without her body remembering his touch.
It was absolutely the craziest thing he’d ever done. If one of his sisters had contemplated doing something like this before she got married, Worth would have locked her up.
Crazy courtships were normal for Lassiters.
Worth wiped his palms on his jeans. He was betting his future on Elizabeth being as crazy as he was.
An eighteen-wheeler zoomed past, violently rocking the trailer behind him. After a couple of knuckle-whitening moments, Worth had everything under control again.
He didn’t expect to have much of anything under control in the future. Not with that red hair.
At first, Elizabeth ignored the honking horn. With a teenager living next door, honking horns were the norm. The horn sounded
again, impatient, demanding. Continuous.
The noise was going to wake Jamie from his nap if she didn’t put a stop to it. On her way to the front door Elizabeth glanced out of a window. Her heart stopped and her feet froze to the floor.
A dusty, dark-blue pickup with a travel trailer in tow was parked at her curb. A cowboy stood outside the pickup leaning against the side of it. With his wide-brimmed, black hat, jean-clad legs, boots and blue chambray shirt, he looked as if he’d stepped straight out of a Hollywood western.
What was Worth doing here?
For a second, hope reigned, but reality quickly set in. She should have known her father wouldn’t give up so easily.
Worth reached through the open truck window and tattooed another summons on the horn.
The blare of noise aroused Elizabeth from her trancelike state, and she dashed outside. Closing the door behind her, she clung to the doorknob. “Stop honking before you wake up Jamie.”
A zillion questions hovered on the tip of her tongue. She lacked the nerve to ask even one. His unexpected appearance had caught her with her defenses down. He had no right to drop back into her life.
Greedily she took in every square inch of him. He was the sexiest-looking man she’d ever seen.
Elizabeth reminded herself she’d moved on. Made plans.
Worth Lassiter played no part in those plans.
Pushing his hat to the back of his head, he unleashed his killer smile. “You ever been to Mesa Verde, Red?”
The incongruous question threw her even more off balance. Worth did nothing without a purpose, but what old Indian ruins in Colorado had to do with her, she couldn’t imagine. Eyeing him guardedly, she shook her head.
Shoving his hands in his back pockets, Worth braced a shoulder against the truck. “Me, neither. Did you know they think the first people lived in the area about two thousand years ago? The cliff dwellings came later, around 1200 A.D.”
“I see.” She saw nothing. And then she did. Dropping to the concrete steps, she stared blankly at him. Russ had somehow forced Worth to come after her, no doubt playing heavily on Worth’s overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Because Worth was an extremely reluctant suitor, he couldn’t bring himself to repeat his offer to marry her. Not that she wanted him to marry her. Not out of pity or duty. “Did Russ send you?” she asked tightly.
