by K L Finalley
"Hooligans."
"Yeah, that was it. It was an Irish place. We should go back there."
"We can't. They went out of business."
"Aw, Really? We should've gone the last night they were open. We could have had one more night there." Then, he was silent.
"Honey?" she thought he might have passed out.
He hadn't passed out. He was thinking of the restaurant. He was remembering the dark bar and the fluorescent signs. "Oh. Yeah. Jacqueline was sitting on one end of the corner and I was sitting on the other. I saw her looking over my head at someone coming towards us. I assumed it was some girl she was interested in. I told her something. Something funny, but she didn't laugh. So, I got pissed off, because I knew that she wasn't listening. But, I went on anyways. I kept telling her about this date that I had been on a few days before."
"I didn't know you were talking about some other girl the night we met."
"Yeah, people find me attractive."
"I know they do, baby."
"So, she's not listening. So, I look to see who she's looking at. And, there's this woman heading our way. The woman's looking down at her nails. She's wearing a white dress with a big, brown belt and really thick shoes."
"It was a sash and I was wearing wedges."
"Whatever. And, I'm thinking this girl is gorgeous. She's just whizzing through the crowd. People are moving outta her way. She's touching people as she passes by them. They're just parting the way for her to pass by them and checking her out after she goes by. Now, I'm staring at her. Then, I think Jacqueline is also staring at her. Well, shit, we'd never had that problem before. Rarely. I mean, we never really wanted to talk to the same girl. So, I was deciding if I wanted to talk to the girl first or if I was gonna let Jacqueline try and if she failed, I thought I'd take a chance at it."
"Never be runner-up, baby."
"So, I turn to Jacqueline and I say, 'she's not even your type.' And, she laughs and says that the girl isn't her type and that she'll be my wingman and get the girl to notice me. So, I sit up tall on the stool." He sat up tall in his bed. "I ran my fingers through my hair. Remember, it was longer back then. I check out my teeth in the mirror over the bar. I turn around on the stool just in time to make eye contact with the girl. I look at her and smile. She looks back and me and winks, but she doesn't stop. She rounds the bar towards Jacqueline. Jacqueline speaks and the girl speaks back. She knows Jacqueline. And, I'm excited on the inside. Jacqueline introduces me to the girl. She says something like, 'This is my buddy, Elet. Keep him company while I run to the restroom.' She stands up and gives the girl her stool. And, I think that I should have done that."
"Then, she heads to the bathroom, but she never comes back. She left us there to talk."
"And, we talked all night. We laughed and joked. We played pool. You told me that you just started working at the paper with her. I told you that I used to work there. As the bar started to close, I asked for your number and you take a napkin off the table and get a pen from your purse and write down your number. The lights come on and the jukebox goes off. And, you're just standing there smiling at me. And, you said 'What now' and I said, 'I'll take you home and call you tomorrow.' You said, you had your car. Then, I laughed and had to admit I rode with Jacqueline who had just left me stranded. And you said..."
"I think she did it on purpose," she interrupted.
"Yeah. That's what you said. And, you took me home."
"You called me the next morning. And, the rest is history," she said.
"I loved you. Right then. You were smart and funny. You could hold a really good conversation. You were great."
"I was?" she teased.
"Still are. I know why all the other men want to talk to you. They see what I saw that night. I know why they want to get your number and keep talking to you. They want to feel like I did when you answered my call the next day. I really do understand." Silence, he stopped talking and she said nothing. "I'm not saying I don't understand. But, I've been thinking. I've been driving up to Baltimore to get a wedding arch for our wedding. It's in a couple of weeks, now. When I'm standing there promising a bunch of things to you, I just want you to promise me one thing."
She started to shake. Scared of what he was going to say, she gathered her courage and asked, "What's that?"
"Promise me I'll be the only man in your life."
"You are," she said quietly.
"I'm not. They're everywhere. Everywhere. And, you like that, but I don't. I mean, I'm proud when men stop to stare at my girlfriend. I am."
"I like when girls look at my boyfriend."
"But, I don't even know they're there. I'm looking for you and I see you looking at some other man. You don't send them away. You like the attention, but it kills me. Do you know how many people tell me not to marry you? They think you're cheating on me. They think I could do better. They tell me I deserve better. It goes on and on."
"Do you think I'm cheating on you?" He chuckled and it infuriated her. "What's funny?"
"That's an interesting question, isn't it? Cheating on me. Are you having sex with someone else? Are you confiding in someone else? Are leading other guys on? Are you acting in ways when I'm not around that you wouldn't act if I was? Are you thinking of being with someone else? Aren't all of those cheatin'?"
"Elet, what are you asking me?"
"Fuck if I know. All I know is I feel like all of you have confused my love for weakness. And, I'm not weak."
"I know that you aren't weak. You're the strongest, most interesting person..."
"Don't compliment me. Listen to me. I'm a man. I'm not some fool. I'm a human fuckin' being..." His voice trailed off. "I know you're out there flirting. I know men give you their numbers. I don't know what you do with them. We're like a month from getting married. I got a house for us to live in together as a couple. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want you to change who you are. I don't want you to dress different or change your job or change your personality. I want you to be the woman I met in Hooligans bar that night, but I won't marry you if I'm not enough to keep you."
"Oh, Elet, you're more than enough for me."
"But, I'm not," he wanted to say more, but he felt his heart in his throat. His eyes and head felt full. He was starting to heat up.
"You are. You're all that I need and I'm sorry if I ever let you feel any other way. I want to marry you. Only you. I'm serious. I know I've made mistakes along the way. I know I've been selfish, but you've got nothing to worry about. I'll be a perfect wife."
"I don't need perfect. I just need...faithful," he barely squeezed those words out.
"I'm sorry you feel like you've gotta say all of this to me. I'm sorry, it's not a given. But, I'll make damn sure you start feeling it. Okay?"
Sitting up on the edge of his bed, he cleared his throat. With his head in his hands, he sniffled and said, "Okay." He glanced around the room. Walking to the window to look out at the harbor, he muttered, "I wish you were here. It's an incredible room. I mean, really."
"Is it?" she was holding back her own tears.
"Yeah, I'm standing here staring at the Baltimore Harbor. In a room with a big tub and a separate shower. It's amazing. You'd love this place." He stopped talking and watched a couple outside their window. The man walked beside the woman, but each was staring at their cellphones. Neither looked at each other or the harbor or the hotel. "You should come."
"You want me to come to Baltimore?"
"Can you?"
"Maybe. Do you really want me to just come up there for the day or two?"
"More than anything."
She rubbed her head. "Okay, baby. I'll be there. I'll figure it out. Are you okay? Are we okay?"
"Yeah. It'll all be fine, right?"
"Of course, it will. Why don't you get some rest? I need to make some reservations."
"Then, you're gonna go to bed?"
"Probably. I might call Mallory, first, but I'll be going t
o bed soon."
"Okay. Sleep well. I love you," and he hung up the phone.
Still holding her phone, she noticed that he had hung up, but she breathed, "We love you, too," and then, she wept.
~~~~~~~~
When Jacqueline entered her room, she went straight to the restroom. Standing in front of the oversized mirror under the fluorescent lights, she thought of Mallory. She thought of what Elet had said to her today and the things that he had been saying over these last few weeks. It made sense. It all made sense. She was avoiding having conversations with Mallory about the future, but everyone was wrong. It was never that she did not want a relationship with her. It was the fear of being wrong. She stared at herself. She stared at her closely cropped black hair that was slowly graying. She stared at her face and the start of the lines. She snickered when she wondered if this is what Alex did alone in her bathroom. She shook off her emotions and headed into the shower.
She stood under the running water hoping to get away from all that haunted her, but her thoughts followed her. She thought back over the last few months. She thought of all that had changed in her life and how it could never be as it was. She did not want it to be. As usual, she exited the shower with more resolve than when she entered it. Quickly, she dressed and reached for her phone.
"Hi, there," she said with eagerness in her voice.
Unfortunately, she found a tired girlfriend answered, "Hi, yourself. You sound like you're having fun."
"Actually, today was a horrible day. I was thinking of you in the shower and I was excited when you picked up."
"Perv," Mallory said and exhaled.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's been a long day. Zoe got sick at school, so my mom..."
"What? What happened? Why didn't you call me?"
"Call you?"
"Yes! Why didn't you call me?"
"Well, you're in Baltimore." Left hook to Jacqueline's stomach. It hurt so bad that she straightened up in the chair waiting to hear more information. "She's fine. She threw up, again."
"Maybe, we should take her to a doctor. A specialist. We need to get to the bottom of this."
Mallory giggled. "No need. Turns out little Zoe has a stash of candy in her backpack. She's been taking it off the secretary's desk and eating it whenever she pleased."
"Geez."
"She's fine. My mom picked her up. She was gonna spend the weekend with my folks, anyhow. There's no school til Tuesday."
"This isn't a holiday."
"It's a holiday for the teachers. Anyhow, I'm over here getting clothes to take to my parent's house."
"They hate me..." She mumbled.
"They don't hate you. They're just worried about me."
"Worried? Am I a monster?"
"Nope, you're not a monster. You're just not tied down."
Zing! The uppercut to the chin hurt Jacqueline worse than the left hook. "I'm not tied down?"
"You know, no kids. No long-term relationships."
Straight jab to the eye. She leaned back. The world went dark. She thought of putting her head between her knees. Mallory had no idea how this hurt her. "Well." She could not think of anything else to say.
"Well?"
"Is that how you feel, too?" There was silence. Jacqueline could no longer hear her stirring about in the room. She could not hear the drawers opening and closing. She could not sense any movement at all. "Mallory, did I lose you? Are you there?"
"I'm here."
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Yes," Mallory said.
"And?"
"And, what?"
Jacqueline pressed, "Do you think I'm unreliable and unstable?"
"No."
"Then, what took you so long to answer me?"
"Do we have to get into this?" Mallory was rubbing her forehead.
"Into what?"
"I can't play this game with you tonight. It's been a long day. I still have to drive to my parents, and, then figure out where I'm gonna sleep tonight. I don't want to try to have a conversation with you that leaves me in tears and you telling me that everything's going great."
And, that was it. The knockout blow. Those where her own words. That is what she had been saying whenever there appeared to be the need for a real conversation. As Mallory repeated her words back to her, they felt hollow; she felt hollow. She had not really meant them. She was uncertain where the conversation was headed and so, she always deflected it with that line. Then, she held Mallory close and soothed her. Soothed her. Soothed her. Jacqueline thought about that over and over again. "I'm sorry."
"About what?"
"Nothing." She bit her lip. "Do you have plans for the weekend?"
"Nope," she sighed again. "It'll just be me and a good book. I think I may get together with Alex and Olive, but I don't know."
"Why don't you dump them and come to Baltimore? I think we need to talk and I'd rather not do this over the phone." Silence again. Jacqueline moved her eyes from one side of her head to the other as if she could see Mallory if she strained them far enough. "Mallory? Honey?"
Deep breath, "I'm here. You want me to come to Baltimore, so we can talk?"
"Yes."
"And, you only decided that after I told you that Zoe was at my parents through Tuesday?"
"Kinda. I mean, it's the kinda thing we shouldn't talk about in front of her."
"Yeah. Well, I'm sure I could get an afternoon or late morning flight out."
"I'm already checking. Looks like there's a flight that'd get you here about two thirty. Want me to book it?"
"You know, I can reserve my own flight. I can pay for my own flight. I make money. And, I have a job."
"I know. I was..."
"You were what?"
"I don't know. I was just gonna reserve it for you."
"And pay for it? And pay for Elet's hotel and his food and gas? How much has all of this been?"
"I didn't pay for all the gas and food. And, I prearranged the hotel. I made him come up here. And, you're my girlfriend and I asked you to come up here, so it seemed like the least I could do."
"You want me to come up there, so we can talk. I'll reserve it and pay for it myself."
"Wait. Don't be upset. I wasn't beckoning you. I wanted to see you. I wanted you to come up here. I wanted us to be alone, so we could talk about things."
"Okay, but I'll still pay my own way."
"If it'll make you feel better," Jacqueline relented.
"It will. I need to get off the phone. I have a bunch of things to do. I will see you tomorrow."
"I love you. I will be there to get you. Just let me know when."
"I love you, too. I'll reserve the two thirty. Thank you," then, she hung up and cried.
Chapter 19
Early the next morning, Elet awoke. Tired and hungover, he drug himself into the bathroom and stared at his unshaved face. He thought, I should shave before Alex arrives. Then, the night came back to him. Did I give her an ultimatum? Did she agree? Was I drunk? Did I ask her to come up here? Did I tell Jacqueline? All at once, those questions flooded into his pounding head. They were supported by a chorus of Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. He went in search of his cellphone. It was tangled in the covers where he had been lying. Alex had text in the night.
Alex:I hope you're asleep. You sounded pretty out of it. I wonder if you'll even remember we spoke. Or what we spoke about. You told me about how I've hurt you and how ppl think you shouldn't marry me. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused. I really am, but I wont let it happen anymore. Please don't listen to them. You're the only man I want. I swear and I'll spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I got a flight. I get there at 230. Don't leave me at the airport. I luv you.
He called Jacqueline.
"Elet, it's like eight." Jacqueline said as she rubbed her eyes. "We said we'd go to the port later and check out the arch. Did you forget?"
"No, I didn't forget. Alex's comin'."
"Coming here?" She wa
s awake, now.
"Yeah, here! I called her last night."
"While you were drunk?" She sat upright in the bed. As she reached for her glasses, she asked, "Oh, shit, Elet. What'd you say?"
"Apparently, I said it all."
"What all?"
"Everythin' I've been thinkin',"
"And, she's still coming?"
"Yeah, it must've worked. Listen to this text she sent me," and he read it to her.
"Well, that sounds good. What're you worried about?"
"What if I didn't mean it? What if I was mean to her? What if I hurt her or said something I shouldn't have?"
"Elet," she sighed. "I don't think that's in you. I'm sure you spoke from your heart." He did not respond, so she continued, "If you had upset her, the text would've been worse, right?"
"Right,” he agreed.
"Right. Maybe, you've turned a corner." He was silent. She thought she'd change the subject. She admitted, "I talked to Mallory, too."
"How'd it go?"
"I'm not so sure."
"What?" She sensed that he had sat up in his bed.
"Yeah, I called last night to talk to her and found out that Zoe got sick at school. Do you know she didn't even bother to tell me? I guess I'm not such a good catch after all." And, with a sigh, she fell back upon the bed.
"She said that?"
"Not to me, but her parents said it. And, the way she sounded, I bet she didn't disagree."
"That doesn't sound like her at all..." He tried to reassure her.
Interrupting him, she went on, "So, I tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to talk. She said she was busy getting clothes for Zoe to spend the weekend with her parents. I figured that since Zoe would be out of town and she had no plans, then she should come up here, so we could talk..."
"Yeah," he paused, "that kinda sounds like you wanna breakup."
"Yeah, she definitely took it that way. I tried to explain that wasn't what I meant, but I don't think she believed me."
"Who would, Captain Secrets?"
"So, I don't even know what to say or do." She rustled around in the bed. With the phone to her face, she rolled from one side to the other. Then defeated, she told him, "Elet, I don't want to lose her."
