by E. Joan Sims
“Great!” she shouted.
“Look, Pam, I couldn’t do any better, and I don’t think you…”
“No,” she insisted. “I mean that’s terrific. Just the right attitude. The real Leonard would think they stink, too, but he wouldn’t care. He’d just take the money and run. This man, I like. When can I meet him?”
“He lives in a cabin in the woods. His son visits from time to time. I’ll send a message to him when you have everything set up.”
“Fantastic! Thanks a lot, sweetie. This interview will be a big boost to your career.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered with a sigh.
“What’s wrong, Paisley? You haven’t fallen for this guy, have you?”
“Of course not,” I protested. “Although, he is a hunk,” to satisfy her, and “How’s your love life?” to get her off the track.
“Laura’s in Europe with her family for Christmas,” she mourned.
“Come down and spend the holidays with us. Cassie and Mother would love to see you.”
“I just might, pet. I just might.” And she hung up.
After dinner we played cards in the library. Aggie sat under the table and rolled her rubber ball back and forth around our feet with her nose. After an hour of her fruitless efforts to get us to play with her, Cassie and I relented and had a wild game of throwing the ball for the puppy. When she was panting and exhausted, we lay back on the floor in front of the fire to let her rest.
Mother turned off the lamp and moved over to the sofa. For a long while we didn’t talk. The silence was warm and comforting and full of the unspoken knowledge of each other’s moods. This, I thought, is what I missed in New York. This is why I came back home. All the rest—fortune and fame—mean nothing if you cannot share special time with the people you love.
“Ummnn, this is so cozy,” murmured Cass. “Gran, that soup was delicious.”
“Thank you, darling. Horatio enjoyed it, too.”
“How much did you make? You’ve fed half the county,” I teased.
“He also enjoyed your book, dear,” she continued, ignoring my question. “But he says Leonard is getting a little mean.”
“Leonard is mean,” I muttered under my breath.
“And Bert Atkins has agreed to be Leonard for a day,” she mused. “I have to admit I am somewhat surprised that he is going along with Pamela’s scheme.”
I turned over on my stomach and rested on my elbows.
“Why? It’s a perfectly straightforward arrangement. He pretends to be Leonard. We split the money, and he goes back to the woods. What’s wrong with that?”
“He doesn’t seem like the pretend kind of man to me, that’s all.”
“You’ve only seen him once, Gran. And that was in an official capacity. You don’t really know him,” protested Cassie.
“Maybe not him, but later on I realized that I did know his mother. We spent a lot of time together when we were in high school.”
I rested my chin on my open palms and looked at her elegant profile. In the firelight, she looked as young and beautiful as Cassie. I could imagine it had taken a very self-assured young woman to be the lovely and popular Anna Howard’s friend.
“What was she like?” I prompted.
“Eva Anderson was one of the sweetest girlfriends I ever had. She was almost too good to be true. Some of our friends even called her St. Eva. She wasn’t really what you would call pretty, but her face shone with a radiance, a happiness, that was very compelling. Harvey Atkins fell in love the minute he laid eyes on her.”
“Where was he from, Gran?” asked Cassie. She loved a tale of romance.
“He was in the military. Harvey was stationed at the Army base outside of Morgantown. He was tall and handsome, and he swept Eva right off her feet. They were married as soon as she graduated from high school. They were very happy until Harvey went overseas. He was killed in action when Bert was just a few months old. Eva never remarried. She worked wherever she could to supplement Harvey’s pension and raise her son. I lost touch with her when they moved to Lanierville. Eva died while Bert was still in school. I didn’t even know when we met last summer that he was Eva’s son until Horatio told me. She was such a lovely girl,” she finished sadly.
I pulled a pillow off the sofa and lay back down to ponder Mother’s words. The men and women in Bert’s family seemed to have a habit of leaving the scene early. That explained a lot of his desire to live alone and isolated. When you’re all alone, you can’t be abandoned.
The next afternoon I got a call from Pam’s secretary. The interview would take place in Nashville in two days time. Pam would fly down with the feature writer from Pen and Ink. She wanted me to come with Bert and fill him in on Leonard’s character on the drive to Nashville. I could come to the interview if I wanted to, but I must remain in the background. I could pretend to be the pretend Leonard’s girlfriend, she said. I gritted my teeth when I heard that, and vowed to get even if it took me the rest of my life. Pam’s ass was grass.
I called Danny and asked him to relay the message to his stepfather. Some wicked little part of me hoped that Bert would chuck the whole idea so I could relax and enjoy my vacation with Cassie. Pam would be furious, but it would serve her right. Leonard’s girlfriend, indeed!
Bert called the next night from Danny’s house. He said he would drive over to pick me up first thing in the morning. We would be in Nashville by noon.
After tossing and turning half the night, I finally got up and took a shower at 4:30. I quietly made some tea and grabbed an apple for my breakfast. By the time I had decided what to wear, my bed was piled high with rejected clothes. I stood in front of the mirror and gazed hopelessly at my reflection. I had worn nothing but jeans for so long—in anything else I looked like I was playing dress up. I slumped down on the edge of my bed in a funk. Leonard’s pretend girlfriend pretending to be a girl. What a riot!
“Mom? Why are you up so early?”
Cassie tapped lightly on the door then pushed it open and bounced in with Aggie right behind her. The puppy was chewing on the trailing belt of Cassie’s housecoat, but we both knew better than to try and get it out of her mouth. Her bite was worse than her bark.
“Wow! Are you having a rummage sale? What’s with all the clothes?”
She cleared a space on the bed and then noticed my outfit for the first time.
“Mom? Are you wearing a dress? Stand up and let me see. I’ve forgotten what you used to look like.”
I stood up and turned around for her enjoyment. I knew she would get a kick out of seeing me look so silly.
“You look beautiful!”
“Don’t tease me, Cassie. I’m not in the mood. Just help me find my jeans again. They were over there under that pile of sweaters earlier. But now I can’t seem to…”
“Mom, you look great. I do remember that dress. It used to be too tight. You always wanted to wear it. Now’s your chance.”
“You don’t think I look like an idiot?”
I re-examined my reflection in the mirror. The chocolate-brown knit with the high neck and flared, ankle-length skirt had been one of my favorites. And Cassie was right. I had never been able to wear it before. My city persona had been fifteen pounds heavier—thanks to luncheons at “21” and cocktails at eight. Farm living had slimmed me down, and firmed up what was left. Maybe I didn’t look so funny after all.
“Okay, I’ll wear it. But what coat can I use? I left my fur in storage two years ago.”
“Take my cape. And wear those knee high boots, so you don’t have to wear panty hose.”
“Good idea. Maybe that will keep me sane.”
“Relax, Mom. Even your hair looks good. Naturally curly covers a multitude of sins. Have a ball, Cinderella!”
Chapter Eight
Bert Atkins arrived right on time driving his Jeep wagon, a beat-up version of Watson. I said goodbye to Cassie and Mother as if I were going to the gallows and picked my way carefully down the walk.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I was sure I would make a complete and utter fool of myself before this trip was over. I didn’t want to start out by falling flat on my overdressed behind in the snow.
By the time we were out of Rowan Springs and on the road to Nashville, Bert had succeeded in putting me completely at ease. He was cheerful and easygoing and kept the conversation strictly on the matter at hand.
“So Leonard looks like me now that I shaved my beard?”
“You’ve read the books, what do you think?”
He laughed.
“How many men do you know who are really aware of their looks?’
I didn’t want to say that I didn’t really know that many men, but instead I asked, “How come you knew what to wear?”
“That was easy. In Bodies in the Boneyard, Leonard buys a tweed jacket and wool turtleneck to wear to dinner at some rich dame’s house. The jeans were my idea. Mainly because I don’t have anything else anymore.”
“I know what you mean,” I said under my breath.
“What did you say?”
“You heard that? How come?”
I turned and looked at him.
“I don’t see a hearing aid, but you’re wearing one, aren’t you?”
He grinned and glanced over at me.
“Did I tell you I like your hair?”
“When did you get it?”
“The hearing aid? Oh, I’ve had it for a while. I just never had much occasion to use it.”
“I should think being worried about someone sneaking up and killing you would be enough of an occasion!”
“I have Murphy for that. He’s all the ears I need at the cabin.”
“You put a lot of trust in a dog that sleeps so much.”
Bert laughed again. I could tell he was enjoying himself. I relaxed a little more.
“So, pretty much all I know about Leonard is he’s supposed to be a real detective writing about his own exploits. Tell me how you get the ideas for his stories. I’m sure that will be one of the questions they’ll want to ask.”
“You’re probably right. And the answer is complicated but simple at the same time. The ideas come from everywhere. I read a lot, mostly scientific journals. You’d be surprised how much goes on in the world of academia that can be translated to mysteries. But Leonard’s latest had a different birthplace.”
“Where?”
“In a pawn shop in Morgantown. My laptop computer was stolen last year. I got it back but it was, er,…out of commission. Cassie bought me another one. She saw it in the window of the shop one day when she was over there with Danny. The price was low enough for her to be able to write a check on the spot. It was my birthday present.”
“I asked how you got the ideas for stories, not what you wrote them on.”
“But that’s just it. When I turned on the computer, I found all this funky personal information on the hard drive. At some time, the power had gone off and the information on a disc had been saved to a backup file. Whoever owned the computer probably wasn’t even aware it was still there. I’m sure he wouldn’t have sold it if he had known. The stuff was too revealing.”
“Laptops are the most frequently stolen item nowadays. Whoever pawned it wasn’t the person who owned it; I’d be willing to bet on it.”
“I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re probably right. Anyway, there were private letters, business statements, even a love poem, all waiting to be read. With a little imagination it was easy to weave a story around them. I changed the names, of course. I don’t want anybody else suing me. I had enough of that last year. But the computer wrote the book in more ways than one.”
“Where did you get the idea for The Neighbor from Hell?”
“Pretty much from something that actually took place in our family. That’s another story that ended up writing itself.”
“Things seem to happen around you, don’t they?”
“You make me sound dangerous,” I laughed. “I’m no femme fatale, that’s for sure, but I guess you’re right. Ever since I came back home, life has been very interesting.”
Pam was waiting downstairs in the hotel lobby when we arrived. She was all decked out in one of her “hey look me over” outfits.
“Wow, Pam,” I said as I gave her a hug, “chartreuse suede and crimson satin?”
“Isn’t it divine, darling?” she answered with a wink. “And take a gander at the back.”
She turned around and glanced coquettishly over her shoulder as she slowly lowered the suede bolero jacket. The shiny red satin blouse underneath was backless and revealed a tiny tattoo on her left shoulder. At first I thought it was a mole, but when I looked closely I saw eight little legs and the red hourglass.
“Wouldn’t Cassie just love a tatt….” she began.
“Pam, I swear I’ll hack you up in pieces so tiny they’ll never even find that spider if you…”
“Okay, okay. Spoil sport! But it looks great on me, huh?”
“Let’s just say it suits your personality.”
Bert had let me off in front of the hotel and parked the car himself. When he came in the revolving lobby door, I pointed out his tall, lean figure to Pam.
“Oh, but Paisley, he is yummy!”
She turned and watched me closely as Bert walked over to join us.
“Um hum,” she whispered.
“Um hum, what?” I hissed.
“Um hum, you’ve got it bad, that’s what.”
“Pam, if you don’t behave yourself…”
In an instant, Pamela turned on her business mode. She shook Bert’s hand politely when I introduced them, then guided us expertly through the crowded lobby to the penthouse elevator.
“I’ve reserved a conference room on the top floor. The gal from Pen and Ink is waiting up there for us. I also took the liberty of ordering a light luncheon. I do hope you like grilled salmon, Bert.”
She took his arm as they entered the elevator and left me to follow in their wake. From that point on, I was a fifth wheel.
Pen and Ink had sent a thirty-something, six-foot-tall, blonde bombshell with the brain of an Einstein and the vocabulary of a James Joyce. Blondie was provocatively posed and waiting as the elevator opened directly into the executive conference room. A silver knit dress slithered over every curve from her shoulders to her calves, and from the way the dress was molded to her body, it was obvious to one and all that she considered undergarments to be unnecessary. Short platinum curls framed her high Slavic cheekbones, and her almond-shaped grey eyes gazed indolently at Bert from under artificially thick eyelashes. Bert was entranced.
My former best friend aided and abetted Blondie all the way. Pam fed her lines and plots from books that I had slaved and sweated blood over, and together they coaxed and encouraged Bert, alias Leonard, to tell all. The platinum goddess batted her long sooty eyelashes and thrust out her bosom as she asked questions loaded with double entendre. It was a thoroughly disgusting spectacle.
I sat at the same table as the others and ate the same food, but I had on a cloak of invisibility like the young boy in Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Not one word was addressed to me in three-and-a-half hours.
I buttered every roll in the bread basket until one shot out of my hand and landed on the floor. I plucked the petals from all the radish roses on my salad and cut my salmon steak into pieces tinier than Pam’s black widow tattoo. I had hardly eaten a thing, but I wanted to throw up. Finally, when I could stand it no longer, I decided to take desperate measures.
“Leonard, honey,” I whined. “I’m real tired. Don’cha think we can go back to our room now? Baby will rub Snookum’s wittle back.”
The three of them turned and stared at me as if I had suddenly transported from the planet Zarcon.
I stood up and sauntered slowly towards Bert with the sexiest walk I could muster. Unfortunately, the buttered bread I dropped on the floor earlier had rolled out from under the table and lay in the path of my right foot. The next few humiliating min
utes of my life probably provided the two women with several months of amusing dinner party conversation. It afforded Bert a knee-slapping belly laugh right on the spot.
My right foot shot out in front of me, but the left lagged a few seconds behind. I was never very flexible, yet somehow I found myself doing something I had only seen twelve-year-old gymnasts do. In the process, my dress hiked up over my hips and exposed the Winnie the Pooh underwear Cassie had given me last Christmas.
I tried desperately to get to my feet, but the butter on the bottom of my boot, coupled with the highly polished wood floor, gave me no purchase. Pam stared in horrified disbelief as I scooted my white-cottoned, lace-edged butt over to the table and hauled myself up. I jerked my skirt back down over my rear end and grabbed Cassie’s cape. I didn’t wait for the elevator. Instead, I flung the door to the stairwell open and ran down all fifteen flights.
I waited in Bert’s car in the parking lot for another hour. When he finally climbed in beside me, I was shivering from the cold. He took one look at the fury in my eyes and didn’t say a word. We drove all the way back home in absolute silence.
Chapter Nine
Christmas came and went before you could say “Ebenezer Scrooge.” I suppose it was pleasant enough, but thinking back, all I can remember were the quiet good times Mother and Cassie and I shared after the guests were gone.
Two days after New Year’s Eve, Cassie went back to school and left a big old empty hole in my heart. Aggie and I sulked around the house for the next three weeks like two souls lost in purgatory. One evening after supper, Mother finally commented on my behavior.
“Paisley, for heavens sake! You have to get used to being without your daughter. I did. Believe me, it wasn’t easy for me when you moved to South America.”
“Well, I’m just not the iron maiden you are, am I? And besides, where is that daughter now, hmmm? Right here, that’s where I am, back on the farm. Does that make you happy?”
I stormed off to the library with a huffy little puppy dusting my heels. Aggie was much better at disdain than I. She didn’t look like a naughty little child. And she did not feel guilty about acting like a spoiled, middle-aged brat.
