‘Oh, not if you’re not drinking.’
‘I’m not drinking, darling, but that’s no reason for you not to.’
‘Okay.’ She gave him a smile, sliding her glass across the benchtop towards him. ‘Thanks.’
Ross poured the wine. ‘So, what about the christening?’
Andie hesitated. ‘Oh, well, Joanna was returning my call, actually.’
He raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to go on.
‘I phoned her earlier today, she was busy.’
‘Andie, would you just get to the point?’
She took a breath. ‘I was just letting her know that I don’t think I’ll go on Sunday.’
‘What?’ He passed her refilled glass back to her.
‘I think,’ Andie said slowly, ‘that this is a family occasion —’
‘Oh, for Chrissakes, not this again, Andie?’
She flinched.
‘I’m so tired of going over the same ground every single time,’ he said. ‘You’ve known these people for ten years. You are my wife, Emily is your step-granddaughter.’
Andie groaned inwardly. She would never forget a particularly angry dressing-down she received from Joanna after she had overheard Brooke referring to Andie as her stepmother. ‘I don’t know what you’re telling them, but you are not my children’s stepmother,’ she had said through barely-gritted teeth. ‘Just because their father decided to update his wife doesn’t automatically give you quasi-mother status with his kids. If I died, then maybe. If the kids were younger, and they were splitting their time equally between us, perhaps. However, my children have a mother, who has, incidentally, never walked out on them. Their father’s new wife does not, never will have, and moreover doesn’t need to have a maternal relationship with them. It’s insulting to me, and completely unnecessary.’
‘Ross, I think calling her my step-granddaughter is a bit artificial,’ Andie said carefully. ‘I’m no blood relation whatsoever to the baby, and Lauren and I aren’t even that close.’
‘And you’re not likely to get close if you don’t bother to show up for her daughter’s christening!’ he cried, glaring at her.
Andie wanted to say she thought it was a bit late to be expecting them to get close. But she kept that thought to herself, she didn’t want to make him any more annoyed than he obviously already was. He stood for a moment, his head bowed, cupping his forehead in his hand, before finally he let out a deep sigh and looked up at her again.
‘You are my wife,’ he said, but his tone was gentler now. ‘You are my family, you belong with me at something like this. Please come, Andie, I feel bereft when you’re not beside me.’
Andie softened. Ross had a way with words, he could always talk her into anything. She walked around the bench and into his open arms. She leaned her head against his chest, she could feel his heart drumming.
She would go to the christening. Of course she would go . . . she would do exactly what Ross asked of her. Just as she always had.
Sunday
‘Do you want me to let you out here?’ Ross asked, slowing the car as they went to drive by the church. ‘I reckon I’ll have to park at least a couple of blocks away.’
Andie surveyed the gathering on the church steps and breathed a sigh of relief. The blue suit had been the right choice; she didn’t want to compete with anyone or stand out, but she didn’t want to look inappropriate either. And she most certainly did not want to have to hover at the edges alone waiting for Ross to join her.
‘Oh, no, I’ll stick with you, thanks,’ she told him.
He eventually found a park and took hold of her hand as they walked along the tree-lined streets back to the church. As they drew closer Joanna broke through a gap in the crowd, coming towards them. ‘Ross, good, you’re here.’
He dropped Andie’s hand and stepped forward to kiss Joanna on the cheek. All very modern and amicable.
‘Lauren has been asking for you,’ said Joanna.
‘I’m not late, am I?’ Ross frowned, consulting his watch.
‘No, you’re not late,’ Joanna assured him, taking him by the arm, ‘but you know your daughter. Come on, let’s find her so she can relax and we can get this show on the road.’ Finally, she turned to Andie. ‘Hello, Andie. You decided to join us after all?’
Andie’s face dropped. Ross promised he was going to give her a call. ‘Didn’t you tell Joanna I was coming?’ she asked him.
‘Yes, he did,’ Joanna assured her. ‘I’m just saying . . . nice that you could join us. Now let’s find Lauren.’
She drew Ross with her, her hand cupping his elbow, as Andie followed in their wake. She remembered why she generally didn’t like going to these affairs. Lauren’s wedding had been the worst, because she actually told her father point-blank that she didn’t want Andie there. That had been fine with Andie, considering the way Lauren felt about her; the tension had barely lifted since the property settlement had been finalised, and the children subsequently reassured that their mother wasn’t being ripped off. Ross was adamant, however, and had gone so far as to say that he would not go to the wedding without Andie. She loved him for that, she just wished he would have made his stand over something else. Joanna had stepped in at that point and assured Lauren that it was the right thing to do, and that she was completely fine with it.
Of course she was. Ross was part of the bridal party, naturally, so he had to escort his daughter to the wedding, while Andie had to make her own way to the church, and sit alone. Between the ceremony and the reception, Ross remained with the bridal party for the extended photo shoot, while Andie waited it out at a nearby café. She didn’t feel comfortable joining the other guests at the bar in the reception venue; she didn’t know anyone, the only people she did know were in the bridal party. And of course Ross was required to sit at the bridal table, so Andie had been put on the singles’ table. The entire thing had been excruciating – especially when anybody asked which side of the family she was with.
Time passed, things had gradually become more relaxed, but it was still difficult at more formal family occasions, where Ross had a role but Andie did not.
‘Dad, you made it,’ Lauren exclaimed as they walked up the aisle of the church towards her.
‘I’m not late,’ Ross insisted with an indulgent smile as he received her hug. ‘What are you all stressing about?’ He glanced down at the pram. ‘Look at Emily, she’s not bothered.’
Emily was sound asleep, and blissfully unaware, but everyone drew closer to gaze down at her. She was a very pretty baby; on the couple of occasions Andie had been around her, she always seemed placid and contented. Watching her now, Andie had to resist the urge to pick her up, bury her face in her neck and take in a deep breath. That baby smell was almost irresistible.
‘Look how chilled she is,’ Ross remarked.
‘Hm, and now I’m going to have to wake her,’ said Lauren.
‘Why not just leave her sleeping?’ said James.
‘I’d rather get her up now, than just before she has her head dunked in water,’ Lauren explained to her husband. ‘I want to prepare her.’
‘How do you plan to do that?’ Ross asked. ‘Are you going to give her a pep talk?’
‘No, Dad,’ Lauren chided. ‘I’m just saying it won’t be such a shock if she’s already awake.’
She stooped to retrieve Emily from the pram, turning immediately to place her in Ross’s arms. He was taken aback for a moment, but then his face broke into a broad smile as he gazed proudly down at his granddaughter.
Andie watched him, feeling torn. With any other baby she’d have swooped by now, cooing and patting and doing that voice thing. But she felt self-conscious – if she cooed too much, they might all think she was just putting it on. Then again, if she didn’t coo at all, they might think she was uninterested. Andie would dearly love to have a cuddle of the baby, but that would probably make everyone feel uncomfortable. Certainly Lauren. And she doubted Joanna would enjoy the picture o
f her grandchild in the arms of her ex-husband’s current wife. There was that expression again. But if Andie didn’t ask if she could hold the baby, they might all think that she was cold and unfeeling.
Years ago, after the debacle of Lauren’s wedding, Ross had tried to reassure her that it wouldn’t always be this complicated.
No, clearly it could get even worse.
‘All right, everyone, we’d best be seated,’ said Joanna, taking charge as she usually did. ‘Lauren and James and the godparents are in the front pew, of course. Family should sit directly behind.’
Oh, not again. Andie might as well walk to the back of the church now.
‘Okay,’ Ross was saying, ‘so Andie and I will sit the next row back.’
Something passed across Joanna’s face, but it was fleeting. ‘Good, we’re all set then.’ She peered down the aisle. ‘I better go see where Matty and Brooke have got to.’
Ross stood back for Andie to go ahead of him into the pew, and they sat down. She reached over and gave his hand a quick squeeze, and he glanced sideways and winked at her.
The ceremony proceeded as usual, with the requisite amount of mumbo jumbo, as Ross would put it. Losing his religion was part and parcel of moving out of the suburbs. Not that he’d ever been particularly devout, he’d told Andie back then. The way he saw it, the church seemed to function as little more than an ideal venue for important ceremonies, what with the acoustics and ample seating, and an MC on tap. And the stained glass added a touch of class to the photos. He and Joanna were married in a church – so whatever Andie’s mother might have thought, much good it did them – and the kids had all been baptised. Apparently Ross had baulked at that at the time, but Joanna had insisted it was the done thing. They never set foot in the church much outside of those occasions, except for funerals. Again, it was all about the venue.
As Andie watched the ceremony, it did seem to have more than its fair share of mumbo jumbo – the priest prancing around shaking the incense thing, the candle lighting, the splashing of the magic ‘holy’ water on the baby’s head. And these modern, cyber-connected, iPhone-wielding people were transfixed. There was something comforting in the ritual, something transcendent. Andie didn’t begrudge them that.
The ceremony finally drew to an end, and Lauren rounded up all the usual suspects for a photo shoot around the baptismal font. The godparents with the baby, the parents and the godparents with the baby. The grandparents, the godparents, and the parents and uncle and aunty – all in various configurations – with the baby. Andie watched patiently from her pew. Ross looked fit and young for a grandfather; as did Joanna for a grandmother. But they were grandparents nonetheless, they would never be mistaken for Emily’s parents. Ross looked at the baby the way a grandfather would, full of a kind of bemused pride, holding her in a slightly awkward fashion, relieved to pass her on. It dawned on Andie there and then, under the light filtering through the stained glass window, that Ross was at a different stage of his life. Entirely. She’d never been so aware that they were from different generations. And even if he gave in and agreed to let her have a baby, there was no guarantee he’d come around once it was born. So where did that leave Andie? Bringing up a child with a disinterested, detached father, or not having a baby at all?
‘Now, I’d like the whole family all together,’ said Lauren. ‘Andie?’
She stirred. ‘Yes?’
‘Could you take the photo? That way we won’t have to leave anyone out.’
‘Of course.’
Outside the church, Andie hovered at the edge of the crowd, waiting for Ross as he shook hands with old friends and greeted relatives from the extended family. Most of them would be going back to the house. Andie was dreading it already – she thought about the dozens of photos that would be taken, how many times she would have to sidle away out of frame, how Joanna and Ross’s old friends were never completely comfortable around her. They weren’t rude; they were, in fact, incredibly polite, excruciatingly polite – they really didn’t know how they were supposed to behave around her, particularly in Joanna’s house. It was all a bit modern for them, and it was beginning to feel a bit modern for Andie.
The hard cold fact was, she wasn’t, and never would be, part of this family. They were still a unit, Andie was the interloper. And the other hard cold fact that just hit her was that she didn’t have a family of her own. She still had her father, and Meredith, but without Brendan, without their mother, they were only a shadow, a remnant of a family that had once been.
So it was just her and Ross, and as much as he tried to insist she was his family, that didn’t make it so. How could they be a family? They were a couple, two adults who had made a commitment to each other. That wasn’t a family.
‘I think I might not stay . . .’ Andie finally spoke up on the drive to Joanna’s.
‘Hm?’
‘I think I might not stay when we get to the house,’ she said. ‘I’m getting an awful headache —’
‘You probably just need a coffee.’
‘I had one before I left home.’
‘Then you must be hungry.’
‘Ross,’ she said finally, a quiver of frustration coming into her voice.
‘What?’ he glanced at her briefly before returning his attention to the road.
‘I just . . . The thing is, I was there for the important part. You know you never give me credit . . .’ She paused.
‘Are you really getting a headache?’ he asked tersely.
‘I am, actually. I’m getting a bit of a stress headache. From all the —’
‘Stress?’ he finished for her. ‘What stress, Andie? Everyone was perfectly pleasant to you.’
She took a breath. ‘Yes they were. But you don’t see it from my perspective —’
‘I made sure you and I sat together.’
‘I know, and I appreciate that you did that, I really do,’ she said. ‘But all your relatives and old friends are going to be there . . .’
‘Well, what did you expect?’ Ross said, with growing irritation. ‘Christ, Andie, we’re old news. You think anyone even cares any more?’
Oh, she knew they did.
‘Look, it’s a family occasion,’ she persisted.
‘And you are my family.’
‘We’re not a family!’ she cried.
Her voice reverberated in the car as Ross pulled over to the side of the road, turning to face her. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You and Joanna and your kids are still a family, Lauren and James and Emily are a family . . .’
He didn’t say anything. He was clenching the wheel with one hand, rubbing his eyes with the other.
‘So here we go again,’ he muttered.
‘Well, we haven’t dealt with it,’ said Andie. ‘You won’t talk about it.’
‘Because there’s nothing to talk about.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘We made an agreement,’ he said grimly. ‘You married me on the basis of that agreement.’
‘You’re saying that’s the basis of our marriage?’
‘Don’t twist my words.’
‘I didn’t twist anything. That’s what you’re saying.’
‘And you’re behaving like a spoilt brat who can’t get her own way,’ he said harshly.
Andie blinked. She could feel the ache rising in her chest, her throat tightening.
‘Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.’ He sighed. ‘It’s just that you’re always flitting from one thing to the next —’
‘What?’ she said in disbelief. ‘Flitting?’
‘Exactly. From restaurants to cafés, from being a chef to a hostess to a barista, and now you’re bored with the deli so you want a baby. And how long do you think it’ll take before you get bored with that?’
Now it was his voice reverberating in the car.
‘That’s what you think of me?’ said Andie, her own voice barely making it out of her throat.
‘
The evidence is pretty compelling.’
‘And that’s why you won’t have a baby with me?’
He breathed out loudly. ‘It was never part of the plan, Andie.’
They sat in silence. Andie’s throat was aching, but she was not going to cry in front of him.
‘Look, I’m expected,’ Ross said eventually. ‘You don’t have to come. You take the car, I’ll get a cab home later.’
Joanna walked around the terrace, picking up empty glasses, the odd cake plate, and placing them on a tray, slowly and deliberately taking her time. She glanced intermittently towards the house, watching Ross wandering around the empty rooms, the other guests having taken their leave a while ago now. He obviously didn’t regard himself as a guest, even though this was Joanna’s house and he’d never lived here. But he’d lingered on, talking to the kids, until Lauren and James left to get the baby home and settled, Matty went off to meet up with some friends, and Brooke had finally disappeared up to her room. What was he doing hanging around? When was he going to get the hint and just go home?
He finally meandered over to the drinks cabinet and reached for the Scotch bottle. Joanna groaned, picking up the tray and making her way inside.
‘Oh, do you want a hand with that?’ he asked, as she walked across to the kitchen.
‘No, got it, thanks,’ she said, depositing the tray on the bench.
‘I was just helping myself to a drink,’ he added.
So she’d noticed.
‘Can I get you one?’
‘No thanks,’ she said, as she began to clear the tray. ‘Shouldn’t you be getting home, you said Andie had a headache?’
‘Then no reason to be rushing home,’ he said with a grin.
Inappropriate, Ross. Joanna sighed inwardly.
He strolled over and leaned against the bench, watching her stack the dishwasher. ‘I suppose you guessed that Andie and I had words?’
No, she hadn’t guessed. Surprise as it might be to Ross, what went on between him and Andie was not actually at the forefront of her mind.
‘In the car, on the way here,’ he said. ‘You know, after the church.’
The Secret Ingredient Page 5
