“Do you want the truth? It was because my work was more exciting, more interesting, and more important to me than my wife.” He whirled and stared at her. “We had a fight and she ended up insisting on going by herself. I was relieved, Julia. I let my pregnant wife go out alone to a movie because I would rather be working than spending time with her.”
She looked at him, genuinely puzzled. Bits and pieces of the testimony from his case, two years ago, played in her mind. “I don’t understand. Everyone said you were completely devoted to your wife. You almost killed a man and got fired from the job you loved because of her.” Remembering what had happened a few nights ago, she flushed but forced herself to say, “You still keep a picture of her next to your bed. How can you say those things?”
“I can say them because they’re true.” He whirled and looked out the window again. “She was my first girlfriend. We were sixteen when we met, and we thought we were madly in love. We got married when we were twenty. By the time I realized that there was supposed to be a lot more to marriage than we had, it was too late.”
He turned and faced her, and the agony on his face was almost too much to bear. “I think she loved me. We were married for eleven years, and that’s all I can say. I think she loved me. I never knew what she was thinking, what she wanted, what she dreamed of. But I don’t know if it was her fault. I’ve asked myself that a million times in the last two years. Why didn’t I know her better? Why didn’t I try harder?” He sank down on the bed. “Why was my job so much more important than my wife? So much more important that she died because of it?”
She said the first thing that came into her mind. “She didn’t die because of your job, she died because of a drunken driver.”
Raising his eyes, he slowly shook his head. The look he gave her was implacable. “It doesn’t matter who hit her. I should have been with her.”
Easing herself onto the bed next to him, she took one of his bandaged hands in hers. “Surely you must have loved her a little. One of the only things you took out of your house was her picture.”
The look he gave her was grim. “I keep that picture where it can remind me what I did, what I was responsible for. So it can never happen again.”
Her heart moved in her chest, tightening with pain. Sliding closer to him, she bent and kissed his bandaged hand. “Whatever was wrong with your marriage wasn’t entirely your fault, you know. The guilt needs to be shared with your wife.”
“She’s paid the price. She’s dead.” His voice was flat.
“And you’re not. Is that what’s really bothering you?”
“You don’t understand, Julia.” His voice was desperate. “For eleven years I couldn’t give her what she needed. Then, when she needed me most I wasn’t there at all. That’s a stain on my soul that won’t ever come out.”
“Most stains fade with time, if you allow them to,” she murmured. “Did you ever think about the fact that your wife didn’t give you what you needed, either?”
“It doesn’t matter. I failed her. Nothing you can say can take away that guilt.”
“Especially if you don’t want to let it go. Is that what you use as a shield, to keep yourself from feeling again, to keep yourself from being hurt again? Let it go, Luke. Forgive yourself. Do you think that’s what your wife would want, for you to wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life?”
He turned to her, furious. “What right do you have to say that to me? You can’t make yourself into God and tell me I’m absolved of all responsibility.”
She felt her heart crack at his words, but forced herself to answer. “Isn’t that what you’re doing, playing God? Taking all the responsibility onto your own shoulders? And I’ll tell you what gives me the right. You couldn’t save your wife two years ago, but you saved me today. Don’t you think that brings your guilt full circle?”
All his anger disappeared and he reached out to touch her hair, letting his hand drop at the last minute. “Guilt and redemption. Is that what you’re saying, Julia? That by saving you I’ve redeemed myself for what happened with Linda?” His voice was utterly weary, and she moved closer to him.
“I think you need to forgive yourself, Luke. You can’t heal until you do.”
“What if I don’t want to be healed?”
“You need to let yourself heal, Luke,” she whispered. “For me. For us.”
At that he turned to her. “Is there an ‘us,’ Julia? Is there more between us than this job and this bed?” His voice was low and urgent.
Slowly she reached out and touched his face. “Do you want there to be?”
He grasped her arms and pulled her closer, so close she could feel the heat from his body, pulsing at her in waves. “I know I want you. Is that enough?”
Something moved inside her chest, grew and swelled until there was no room left for pain, for guilt, for regret. There was no room left for anything but Luke and how he made her feel, how she needed him. “It’s enough for now,” she answered, pulling his mouth down to hers.
Chapter 13
He answered with a kiss that was almost desperate in its need. As they tumbled backward on the bed, their tongues tasting and twining together in a dance as old as life, his hands were everywhere. Stroking down her face, pausing to smooth gently around the bandage on her forehead, brushing down her chest, his touch set off explosions under her skin. Desire roared to life, a raging inferno that threatened to consume her.
“Luke,” she gasped. “I can’t…”
He froze, then slowly disengaged himself from her. “I’m sorry, Julia. I forgot all about your injuries.” His hands smoothed the hair away from the bandage and he bent to kiss the side of her neck.
Lying on the bed, looking up at him, she saw the tenderness in his eyes and wanted to weep. Why wouldn’t he acknowledge all he had to give? As she watched him gaze down at her with a worried frown, fear behind his eyes, she felt her lips curling up in a smile.
“That wasn’t what I was going to say. I guess that painkiller worked, because I forgot all about them, too.”
“Then what were you going to say? You sounded like you hurt.”
She smiled again. “I did. I do. I hurt from wanting you. I wanted to tell you I couldn’t wait.” Reaching up, she twined her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
He followed her down to the bed, but eased himself over to her side. “I’m glad you stopped me,” he whispered. “There’s a time for wild, out-of-control lovemaking, and there’s a time for something a little easier, a little more gentle.”
He bent to trail kisses over her face, and she sighed as she turned her mouth to his. “I thought out of control felt pretty good just now.”
“Hmm,” he agreed, nibbling on her earlobe. “But this time, you’re going to lie back and let me do all the work.”
His hand found her breast, and she pressed into him with a low moan. He lingered for a moment, cupping her through the soft sweater, and then he slid his hand down and slowly pushed the sweater up to her shoulders.
For what seemed like hours, all she felt was his warm breath on her belly. When she opened her eyes and looked down at him, she saw that he was staring at her, the sweater crumpled in his hand.
“Is something wrong?” she whispered.
He slowly looked up at her and let go of her sweater, brushing his hand down over her lacy bra. “You look wonderful in lace,” he murmured, slipping one finger under the top edge of the bra and trailing it along the top curve of her breast. “And all of my fantasies lately seem to feature it in a prominent role.”
“What a coincidence,” she gasped as he edged down and circled her nipple. “I wear it frequently.”
He fumbled with the front clasp of the bra for a moment, and then it snapped open, leaving her breasts naked to his touch. His eyes darkened as he looked down at her, then he bent his head and flicked his tongue down the valley between her breasts. “I noticed,” he murmured, his voice thick with passion.
His arm
encircled her, pulling her closer, and his muscles were rock hard with the effort he was making to go slowly. When she reached up to unbutton his flannel shirt, he poised above her, motionless, until she tried to pull it down his arms. Then he leaned away and pulled it off, throwing it across the room. Sliding off the bed, he quickly shucked off his pants and then stretched out beside her again.
Slowly and gently he removed her sweater and jeans, being careful not to jar her or move too quickly. When they were both completely naked on the bed, she reached for him but he took both of her hands in one of his bandaged ones, kissed her fingers and then leaned over her. “Not yet,” he whispered. “Not nearly yet.”
He caressed and kissed every inch of her body, bringing her to the brink of release time after time, only to retreat and start all over again. She whispered his name, aching for him, but he silenced her with a kiss and continued his staggering seduction. He held her as if she were glass in his hands, fragile and valuable, as if one wrong touch could shatter her into a million pieces.
Finally, when the throbbing in her body became almost unbearable, when her blood was heated to the boiling point by his clever hands, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her.
“I can’t wait another moment for you, Luke. I need you now,” she moaned.
She felt the almost uncontrollable trembling of his muscles as he held himself above her. Gently, so that he didn’t jar her neck or head, he eased himself into her. When she arched up into him and wrapped her legs around him, she felt his control snap.
Sliding his hands around to cup her buttocks, he thrust into her time and again, her name a litany on his lips. She rose to meet him, holding him tightly, until she suddenly exploded, crying out his name.
“Oh, Julia,” he gasped, gripping her more tightly, holding her against his sweat-slicked body. Then he surged into her one last time and collapsed onto her, still cradling her head gently in his hands.
After a long time he stirred and shifted his weight off her. “Did I hurt you?” he whispered into her hair.
“No,” she answered. She had barely enough energy to raise her hand to his hair and let its silk slip through her fingers. “No one has ever treated me like that before, like I was something precious and fragile.”
He raised himself up on one elbow and looked down at her, a rare smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. “I’d say you were hanging around with the wrong crowd, then.”
“I’m beginning to realize that.”
She watched his eyes darken, saw him begin to pull away, and she reached up and brought his mouth down to hers. They might only have this time, now, here in this anonymous motel room. In two days this case would be over, and he might walk away and never look back. But until that time, she could pretend that they had forever. For the next two days, they belonged to each other, and she would try to make him forget everything else but her.
He hesitated for a heartbeat, then he answered her kiss with one of his own. Passion swept over her again, and she let it pull her under. She didn’t intend to waste a minute of their time together.
Another day and two nights had passed when Luke woke up with the early morning sunshine streaming over his face. Julia was curled around him, her leg wedged between his legs and her hand pressed against his waist. She slept so close to him that he could feel the soft rise and fall of her chest against his back. Desire slammed into him with the force of an engine barreling down a track.
He turned slowly and looked at the woman who lay so trustingly next to him. The past day and a half shimmered in his memory like a dream, a vision of perfection that mortal man could never hope to attain. Except for a couple of quick trips to get food, they’d spent the whole time in this room, in this bed. The memory of exquisite lovemaking wove in and out of the dream like a shining thread of gold, but even more precious was the way Julia had shared herself.
She’d talked about her childhood, growing up with three brothers, and what had made her go into police work. She told him about her training at the police academy, where she’d developed her aversion to guns. So she’d never been a beat cop, preferring instead the investigative work of the Internal Affairs Department. They’d talked of everything and nothing, from their favorite movies and books to their preferred restaurants.
Never once had she pressed him to tell her about his marriage to Linda. As a result, he’d found himself telling her more than he’d ever told anyone, even Eddie. And all the time she’d listened and held his hand, wrapping her arms around him and resting her cheek against his back while he spoke.
He couldn’t remember ever feeling more at ease with a woman, or ever wanting anybody more. They’d made love countless times in the past couple of days, but as he watched her sleep he found that he wanted her even more than he had before they’d made love the first time.
He didn’t want to look at his watch, because this was the day. Tonight, if he was right, Eddie and the others would meet with the Demons. Julia’s case would be solved, over, and the two of them would leave this motel room and go back to their lives. Their separate lives.
The thought of his empty house and squalid, ruined office seemed unbearably lonely now. For a moment he tried to imagine Julia there in his house, her smile lighting up the hallway when he came home, her presence erasing the darkness from his life.
Maybe, just maybe, the bonds he felt forming and strengthening between them were real. Maybe it would be different with Julia. Never in his life, even at the height of his hormone-crazed teen years with Linda, had he ever felt the kind of passion that he and Julia had shared. Never before, even with his wife, had he wanted to share himself like he did with Julia.
“Hi there,” he heard her say, her voice low and incredibly sexy. Her hand crept around his waist and lingered on his belly. “What are you up to so early in the morning?”
He swooped her up and pulled her close, letting her feel exactly what was up this morning. “What do you think?” He nibbled on her ear and felt her answering shiver. “There’s only been one thing on my mind the last couple of days, and that’s been you. And whenever I think about you, this is what happens.”
“That’s funny.” Her breath tickled his ear as she spoke, and he felt her lips against his neck. “Because the same thing happens to me. Do you think we’ve got some kind of phenomenon here?”
“Mmm, could be.” Turning her head, he drew her lower lip into his mouth and felt her moan vibrate against his lips. “Let’s experiment.”
A long time later, he sat up in bed and pulled her with him. She tugged the sheet along with her, and he grinned as he watched her. “How long are you going to do that?”
“Do what?” She looked at him, puzzled.
He nodded at the sheet. “Cover yourself up like that.”
She glanced down at the sheet and her cheeks turned a delicate pink as she smoothed it self-consciously. “I guess I’m just not used to sitting around naked with a man.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, leaning over to brush a kiss across her lips. “It makes it more fun to peek that way.” Easing himself off the bed, he stood up and stretched, enjoying the way she looked at him. Grinning at her again, he said, “It’s time to get up and get something to eat. And with any luck, that sheet will slip when you get out of bed.”
Yanking the sheet out from under the blanket and wrapping it around herself, she rolled off the bed and grinned back at him. “Don’t count on it, McKinley.” With a jaunty smile she disappeared into the bathroom, and he stood staring at the closed door for a moment.
Could this be the woman he had hated for the past two years, the woman he’d blamed for losing the job that he loved? The woman he’d labeled an ice princess, a hard, uncompromising person who had no softness in her soul?
Julia Carleton wasn’t like that at all. Then what did that say about what she’d done to him two years ago? He shied away from the question, unwilling to examine it. His wife had been killed by a drunken driver and he’d don
e what anyone would have done in the same circumstances, he told himself. Julia had simply made a mistake in that long-ago hearing room.
And he didn’t have time to think about that right now. He gave himself a mental shake. He needed to concentrate on what they had to do today. Reaching into his duffel bag, he pulled out the last of his clean clothes. As if he needed a reminder that everything was ending, he thought grimly.
He’d finished dressing and was standing at the window, scanning the parking lot, when Julia came out of the bathroom. He felt her come up behind him, smelled the tart aroma of the motel soap mixed subtly with her own scent as she pressed against his back.
“See any bad guys out there?”
He shook his head but continued to look out the window. “Since one of the witnesses to the accident was able to get a partial license number of the car that hit us, maybe the police have been able to corral our shadow by now.”
“But wouldn’t they just send someone else to take his place?”
At that he turned and slid his arms around her. “Not necessarily. We’re not talking about rocket scientists here, Julia. Maybe no one knows where we are. Maybe when we got the rental car we lost them. I don’t know what happened, but I haven’t seen anyone out there for the last couple of days, and no one’s tried to get into our room. I think we can assume that we’re safe here.”
He felt her shiver in his arms, then burrow deeper. “I think I would feel safe wherever I was, as long as you were with me.”
Such a simple statement, but he felt his heart expanding at her words. Trust. It had been a long time since anyone had given him such a precious gift.
His arms closed around her, binding her to him for the space of a heartbeat, then he stepped away, breaking the mood. “If we don’t get some food soon, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.”
An Honorable Man Page 20
