Clem's Contrivance: Terrorist Fiction In The Deep South (The Apocalyptic Rifle Book 1)

by Ron Foster

  “Sure, why not? I have been trying to dream up a few things for you to help me with anyway. I am just joking about this first offer but somebody is going to do it because it makes money and its something we all need. Julie thinks I am nuts for mentioning this and Clem and PD are trying to charge me rent on my cabin if I don’t let them in on it and be a utility but let me tell you what I got. You know I got that big SUNRNR solar generator back at the house? Well if I bring that big honking battery on board that casino barge I can have pretty much all the amenities I need. However the fun part I dreamed up was to use it to run a water pump to offer hot showers and flush toilets. You could charge traders who come on board for a bath or a pay toilet!” David said chuckling.

  “I don’t fancy myself being no washroom attendant.” Neil said eying David narrowly.

  “I told you that I was just joking but imagine this, even after the preppers that want to stay on board find their cabins we will still have lots of others that Clem and PD say they are going to rent out to travelers. Somebody’s job could be to hit a valve and turn on and off water to those rooms for a fee of course..” David explained before Julie cut him off.

  “Quit playing with your water authority scheme and find Karen and Neil something good to do!” Julie exclaimed not liking what she considered David teasing them.

  I was, the bathroom attendant if you want to call whoever is in charge of that function could work for Neil and Nancy or if whoever checks the travelers into their berths could hit the valves like a hotel keeper or be in charge of whoever has to light the fires, gather the wood etc. to warm the water for baths and showers Etc. Ok, Ok, Julie I will behave, no water schemes for the moment but its all interconnected. Look at that battery operated chainsaw I got for example, the SUNRNR can charge that and Neil can get some young bucks to cut some of all that firewood everyone on board will need for cooking or heating with.” David said pouting that his fun with a his water pumping scheme had not even got to purifying and bottling water etc. a rare and necessary commodity to acquire these days.

  “Tell them what you had in mind specific for them David and quit teasing and playing!” Julie demanded.

  Ok. Ok I will. What’s that you are up to or got now Neil?” David said watching him start to dig in a small backpack he had been wearing.

  “The other part of our deal or just a contribution to the party depending on how you want to look at it. I kind of held this out in case I needed to sweeten the deal some or fuel your brain to be more imaginative.” Neil said laughing and produced two bottles of Bertha’s homemade elderberry wine.

  “How in the hell did you get a hold of that?” David said admiring the old worn wine bottles that had been filled and refilled by Bertha and others countless times over a half century or so.

  “I traded her for them!” Karen said brightly

  “What did you trade her for?” Julie said bustling over to David’s party locker made out of a big square metal Army box of unknown origins that David called his camping locker that held his red solo cups and other necessities of campfire partying.

  “Well that is a little bit hard to explain exactly. She said she was keeping 5 bottles of that wine for medicinal purposes one day and I said something about wishing she had all that knowledge of hers written down somewhere and I sort of somehow become her personal scribe. I had one of those hardbound blank journal books you can sometimes buy blank from a bookstore that one of my prepper reader fans had given me for a present and when I showed it to her she got real quiet and her eyes sort of glazed over for a moment before she started hollering for Clem to come see the book and listen to her idea..” Karen said smiling and taking a cup from Julie

  “Well Clem looked at it and he liked to got whomped by Bertha because when she told him she wanted to trade for that blank book he told her that was crazy but fitting for her because that was the only kind of book she would ever be able to read but when the smoke settled down finally he was quite the gentleman and sort of arranged the current deal. For the book, me and Clem settled on these two bottles of wine. Now although I am supposed to someday teach Bertha to read and write, Clem told her about the historic differences between teachers and scribes and since I will be writing down her and Clem’s “story” I am now her scribe and Clem’s secretary since he already knows how to read and write. But she gets to be the editor because it’s her book and she says what will and will not be written into it.” Karen said with a beautiful smile at how touching that was, but was soon frowning and complaining about what all that actually meant in performance of her duties..

  “They are already driving me and her nuts.” Neil mumbled before getting a warning glance that Karen ran this project and took the task of writing the two old sharecroppers tales and wisdom down in longhand for posterity very seriously.

  “Yea it’s pretty much a pain now to hear Clem or Bertha say for me to take a memo and we decide if it goes in the book later. To make matters worse, Clem and Bertha try their hand occasionally at being an author with Clem supposedly writing down what Bertha says but putting his own twist on the story so he somehow comes out the hero...” Karen said chuckling at the oddity of it all and the occasional good times when her overseers were not too demanding in their so called artistic license.

  “Damn Karen, what are you getting for being a scribe, let alone being Clem’s secretary?” Julie wondered sniggering at the thought of a besieged scribe trying to fit both of those two old peoples squabbling’s and ramblings into a strict book size format.

  “Well right now I get paid by the day and we don’t work on the book every day. I never calculated mine and Neil’s time by pickles per hour or eggs per day, or what a pound of salt is worth and such but we always make a good trade and mostly we are all having fun with it.” Karen said wondering what weird barter was on the horizon for tomorrow.

  “That’s quite a story, I bet it never really gets written down in the book though, is she telling you herbal lore and stuff to put down in it or is it mostly a story of her and Clem growing up around here?” David asked.

  “Well you might say it’s part all of the above and more. I tell you trying to write like that pretty much drives me crazy sometimes. Bertha will start out her story telling me how she and her Momma smeared Calendula salve on Clem's butt when he had diaper rash as a baby and that fact would be a good thing to put in the herb section of the book and then start talking about the best ways to make cloth diapers and tend babies. I just don’t know how to organize it all. She also wants to make mention of everyone by name and Rossi Ross is driving everyone crazy about when is she going to be written into the book and what are they going to say about her.” Karen said shaking her head.

  “She also wants to be saying and teaching something smart in the book herself” Neil offered.

  “Well I got her calmed down for the moment on that point because we are doing a separate notebook listing everyone’s family tree that I am getting from old bibles and their memories of relatives.” Karen said wondering what she had gotten herself into.

  “Appears to me they some inbred folks around here...” Neil began before a scolding glance to watch his P.s and Q,s from his wife stopped him in his tracks.

  “You have to be very careful around Bertha, Clem and Rossi Ross to allude to 3rd cousins and such; they came from a very small community and saw nothing wrong with the rather odd bloodlines they were carrying.” Karen reminded him

  “David and Clem have already decided with Crick that they were going to let you run the ships store if you wanted.” Julie blurted out.

  “You weren’t supposed to say anything about that yet.” David objected.

  “Well it beats you babbling forever trying to sell the sun and the moon before you finally get around to telling them about that job so let’s start there now then. They might want to think about keeping those gun parts now or trading for something else.” Julie said impatient to see this deal go through and get her a six shot 12 gauge instead of the si
ngle shot 20 gauge shotgun she had for food procurement or defense.

  “I think she likes tactical practical.” David said with a grin guessing alternative reasons beyond great friendship to get this deal settled and put to bed.

  It was going to happen anyway so why not get back on subject Julie mused to herself

  “Now that it’s not a surprise any longer Neil let me tell you that we all are still fighting over who gets to stock up the store initially with trade goods and who gets to consign what goods to it for sale later but it looks like a pretty good gig to start a new life with Karen. You and Neil will be kind of shopkeepers of a sort but the clan still needs your administrative talents so you are going to have to train someone to stand in back of the counter every day.” David said getting back to the matter at hand.

  ‘That sounds pretty good to me Neil. How does being a part-time store keeper strike you?’ Karen said.

  “Sounds like a plan to me, just keep the gun parts David and thanks for thinking of us. I would like to be in on the discussions of the details of that store if I could.” Neil said and then grinned at his wife because things were certainly starting to look up around here.

  “Sure, I will grab you the very next time we have a formal meeting on it but mostly we are usually just talking amongst ourselves about it as things come up. We still don’t know how seaworthy that barge is until we can actually try to float it over here.” David explained

  “Not a problem, we still got plenty to do around here and I got to make time here and there to work on a book. Not surprisingly David I am finding this to be kind of fun regardless of what might actually be going on past the plantation gates. Things are getting much better around here and it’s all starting to feel like a lifestyle worth living. “Karen said happily as she glanced over at Julie who shared her enthusiasm about interesting projects to undertake and dream about.

  “Now that’s a positive thought but I don’t think we can find a publisher for a while these days. What’s the name of this book you are writing Karen?” David said with a “what?” look at Neil who was shaking his head silently as a plea for some reason for David not to go there on that subject at the moment

  “Right now we just call it Bertha`s Big Book of Letters or plain old Bertha’s book, she says she will tell me the real title I am supposed to use before she dies or when the book gets finished.” Karen said upset about what either one of those outcomes might mean. It also meant her and Neil had decided to give up on the idea of bugging back home at least for this year. There was just too much going on here and an adventure to be lived! Besides there was no telling when Crick and Crew would finally get around to coming up with anything more than talk about getting those cars and trucks off the island but you had to give them credit they had built a boat landing of sorts over there.

  “Clem wants her to hurry up and name that book before its done, but you cant let on to Bertha why he is bedeviling her about doing it that way. You know she has a birthday coming up don’t you Julie? Well Clem has some bits of heavy copper wire that he is has been twisting up and braiding to brand the books title into the leather of the books cover or he may possibly attach the wire as a plaque if she wants, either way he is quite clever at working and forming metals. He has the name Bertha already nicely spelled out in a script like metal branding iron; Make a great wall hanger even if she doesn’t use it on the book itself. He has hammered that wire down flat in some places, twisted it and added on to it with silver solder so it appears to have an almost antique script filigree look.” Karen said praising Clem`s craftsmanship as well as the thoughtful gift he was creating.

  “Wow how cool would that be to actually burn the mark into the hide intricately like that and have the branding iron as a memento of the occasion?” Julie said loving all things artistic and unique and thinking about how the impression would look on the cover.

  “That is pretty slick, what’s even better is that we will finally know what she puts in some of them dang potions of hers especially her infamous “Kill you or cure you” remedy for when she gives up on all others.” David said heading Clem`s warning about watching out if you smelled turpentine and Bertha was in her doctoring mode. She also had freaked out a couple of the older preppers complaining about arthritis or just stiff joints from sleeping on the ground when she made them hold still and sprayed WD4 O on their knees or elbows like she was lubing up the tin man. Clem said he had to hand it to her though, for some reason or another folks said that shit worked but he didn’t know why. Folks around here just started doing it way back when and the notion it was pretty much good for everything and had some results made it a part of the backwoods medicine chest as well as the barn.

  “No you won’t be finding out much about her potions, she has me sworn to secrecy for now, but she is letting me write them down in case she is not around and somebody is ailing. So far most of them are pretty benign and mirror a lot about what I already know about herbs, trying to find out what something actually is versus the name she has for it is a different matter though but I am learning a lot and these folks are lucky to have her around to nurse them back to health. It is amazing how fast some people have responded to her ministrations and word has pretty much spread around and respected that she is a pretty wise old woman that can fix you up if you can stomach her brews. She does apologize for some of them but not having any sugar or molasses to sweeten up the bitter taste you just got to grin and bear it or stay sickly.” Karen advised and grinned at Julie who was all set to pester her all about what she had learned so far from Bertha and compare notes on herbal lore.

  “Well now that we got the horse trading out of the way, let’s toast Karen’s new literary undertaking and get on with the party. This elderberry elixir of Bertha`s is quite tasty and we got us lots more to discuss.” David said settling in and deciding life was good as his friends settled back to watch the sun go down and laugh and chat part of the evening away.

  “David is that store we are going to be running have any wine glasses in it?” Karen said joking and needling David about him not having anything around but a canteen cup or a red solo cup to drink from at his tent.

  13

  All Hands On Deck

  “Hey PD, are you all ready and set for the big float the boat party today?” Crick said approaching the gathering group that was there for its hopeful send off. There were doubts about its hull which was rusted and slightly dented in places but it was a barge and those things are built to last forever carrying heavy weight. The wood of the old casino boat had its share of rotten wood needing replacing but the steel barge under it still appeared solid. The consensus among everyone that was consulted to the successful launching of the barge was that they really had no way of knowing if it had leaks anywhere until it was floated in the river. Some folks said they ought to get it out in the shallows and observe it for a day or two to see if it developed any leaks or had any seams open, others said you can’t risk that thing sitting on the bottom with all that weight on top and particularly since we had no idea what the bottom of the river was like so it was drag the sucker out into the river as best they could.

  Jimmy would pull on it with cables from the old tug and Crick on that crazy paddle wheeled tractor of his would try to help steer and guide it. On shore a bulldozer that Clem and Crick had “appropriated” would help push the barge back towards the water. The day they had absconded with that thing had been one hell of a day. It started out mild enough. Clem had come to David and Crick and asked for their blessing and help to go “borrow” a piece of heavy equipment to get the safe out of the treasure ship possibly if they could lift it and something big enough to help push the boat off land. An excavator would be wonderful but Clem said he wasn’t sure at all where one was was at the moment and for them to listen to his plan.

  “You see what I got here is what I used to call the keys to the kingdom. These here are a set of operator keys and they fit most every kind of common piece of heavy equipment there is.�
� Clem said jingling a large key -ring of “machine keys” with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

  Crick an David were familiar with the existence of these types of universal keys and both of them started sporting evil grins after listening to Clem and seeing the ring full of Keys.

  Clem noted their understanding for what he had in mind and got rather somber and sober about a little misuse of such a cool prep.

  “I keep me a set of these around for when any time we got pulpwood or road repair crews on the property. What I am suggesting now ain`t stealing to my mind and we going to gives back whatever it is we borrow, well we give it back someday when we done borrowing it you might say. Course if there is anybody around to ask can we borrow some heavy equipment we going to do that but where I am headed I doubt there be anybody around. There is a junk yard about 12 miles from here that has a big forklift thing they use to move cars around and they also got them a big old bulldozer. My keys will fit them and we can carry them back here and do our tasks. You boys be game for a bit of gray area larceny? It is for a survival situation after all and I like I said we just borrowing them for a bit. I doubt at this late date we see John law anywhere patrolling these back roads, come on boys I think it would be a hoot. That old bastard that owns it never did do me right in a trade anyway.” Clem said grinning

  “Hell I am up for it, is the road very populated going down that way?” Crick asked.

  “Naw it ain`t bad at all, there are houses and trailers spread here and there but no neighborhoods, crossroads or towns. Course you never know what those few folks that live down that way are thinking or doing. Might be some yahoo take a pot shot at you just cause he could but that kind of senselessness don’t normally occur amongst country folk. “Clem said spitting out the last of the chewing tobacco he had somehow talked Loomis out of.

  “What else is down that way? Got any stores or service stations?” David asked