by JA Armstrong
“Maybe. Even the therapist agrees.”
“That CJ should spend most nights here—yes; she does. That you should move to another city? I’m not sure that’s what Eva meant when she raised the possibility of CJ living here on a full-time basis.”
“Maybe not.”
“I know that you’ve made your decision,” Carrie said. “Don’t ask me to understand it because I can’t. Right now, my understanding isn’t the issue.”
“You hate me.”
“I love you. I do. I won’t pretend to understand something that I can’t.”
“I thought you’d be thrilled.”
“Thrilled? Jesus, Tommy.” Carrie had to take a moment to calm her rising temper. “Thrilled that you are stepping away from CJ? God, who do you think I am?”
“Carrie, to CJ, you and Devon as more her parents than Dar and I ever were.”
“No.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you’re wrong. She doesn’t love me or Dev more than she loves you or Dar.”
“I disagree.”
Carrie rubbed her brow. The last thing she needed now was a migraine. That might be unavoidable. From where Carrie sat, Tom was acting like a wounded child. It both frustrated and infuriated her. The coming changes were necessary for CJ. Carrie believed that. CJ didn’t need to worry about the insecurities of the adults in her life. She needed to feel their confidence to accept that she was secure.
“I can’t help it, Carrie. I just think that it’s best for everyone. My mom is coming back to Connecticut. She’ll be here so I can keep the house. She insists it’s not too much and she thinks CJ should have someplace familiar to visit.”
Carrie nodded.
Tom sucked in a breath for courage. “I want you and Devon to adopt CJ.”
Carrie was stunned.
“I understand what I am asking you to do—what I am giving up. I’ve been over it a million times. I heard you when we talked. I want to be in CJ’s life, Carrie. I want to be her dad. The truth is I’m not emotionally stable enough to be what she needs.”
Tom’s revelation surprised Carrie.
“I’m not,” he continued. “I wish that wasn’t the truth. It is.”
“Tommy…”
“I need to step away from all of it, Carrie. From Darlene’s memory, from this place, from my job—from you.”
“Me?”
“I need to. I’ve tried to hide it–all of it.”
“What are you talking about?” Carrie asked.
“Carrie, I…” Tom hung his head regretfully. “I started AA this week.”
“You’ve been drinking?”
“Not when CJ’s awake.”
Carrie felt sick. “How much?”
“Too much,” he confessed. “I’m not okay, Carrie. I don’t know what I feel some days.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. I still can’t believe I’m telling you. I can’t believe anything that’s happened.”
“I miss her too,” Carrie said.
“Yeah, but… Jesus, I am so fucking pathetic.”
“What?” Carrie wanted to know.
“She loved you, Carrie. All that time, Dar was in love with you.”
“Tom…”
“No, she was. We both know it.”
“She loved you,” Carrie said.
“Maybe she did.” He smiled. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe this is more for me than for CJ. I still think it’s the right thing—for everyone.”
“What about you? Tommy, if you are serious, you will have to sign over all your parental rights.”
“I know.”
Carrie’s head was beginning to pound.
“I can’t force you,” he said. “I’ll respect your decision if you don’t want to…”
“It’s not about what I want.” How many times do I have to say that? “You know that I will do anything for CJ, so will Devon. You need to be more than a hundred percent certain this is what you want to do because if you do it, there will be no going back.”
“That’s why we need to do it. If we don’t handle it this way, you will always wonder when I am going to take her away. I would never do that, Carrie. And, not because I don’t love CJ. I do.”
“I know you love her.”
“I want to be there for her. I can’t ask you to raise my daughter indefinitely while I figure out myself, and then ask you to change things if I do.”
“You will.”
“I hope so. I talked to Eva about this before I came over here.”
“I see.”
“She was less surprised than you.”
Carrie took several long breaths hoping that her headache would abate. It appeared all her efforts would be futile. It was time to tell Tom how she felt about everything. “I am surprised,” she admitted. “You’re a good father, Tom. CJ adores you. And, before you start to argue with me, I want you to hear everything that I have to say.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you. I was convinced that I would never have a child.”
“Carrie, you…”
“You promised.”
“Sorry.”
“I was. That hurt. It hurt because my whole life, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be someone’s mother. When I met Devon, I wanted that more than I ever had. I knew she was the person I wanted to build a family with.” Carrie gathered her thoughts and emotions before continuing. “When we decided to try, Devon sat me down one night. Do you know what she said?”
Tom shook his head.
“She said that we had a family. Maybe it isn’t like most people’s, but our life with CJ would be enough for her. I knew at that moment that we would have another baby. I didn’t know when. I didn’t know if it would be me or Devon to bring that life into the world. I knew we would have a baby. It reminded me that I was someone’s mother. I didn’t need to give birth to know what that meant.” She paused to will her tears into submission. “I didn’t ask to be CJ’s parent.”
“I know.”
“And, as far as Dar’s feelings for me; I do know. I always knew. I loved her too, Tom—for longer than I wanted to admit, I was in love with Darlene. She was everything I would never be. At least, that’s how I saw her. I still do, if you want to know the truth. She was my best friend. Dar could never slow down enough to let herself be loved. She did love you; more than I think you want to believe. Dar’s problem was never that she didn’t know how to love. She didn’t know how to be loved. It’s taken me time to understand that. She did love me. She also loved you. She loved CJ. Don’t you ever doubt that. I see Dar in CJ every day. I know how hard that must be for you.”
Tom wiped a tear from his cheek.
“And, that’s the hardest thing to do in life,” Carrie said. “Let someone love you. People think that loving someone else is the uphill battle. It isn’t. You don’t choose to love; you just do. You can choose whether or not you let someone close enough to love you. Being loved means losing control.” She reached over and took Tom’s hand. “Do I want to adopt CJ? Tommy, I could never love any child more than I do CJ. The thought of losing her… It… I can’t think about that. I don’t know what I would do. If anything took my daughters from me—I’m not sure I could survive that. That’s the truth. I also know that I will have to let them both go a little with each day that passes. That’s part of loving someone too; knowing when to hold on and when to loosen your grip. Will I adopt CJ? Will Devon? Of course. It won’t make her our daughter any more than she is. You need to know that.”
“I do.”
“I am angry,” Carrie admitted. “I’m angry that Dar is gone. I’m furious that CJ will never get to know the Darlene that I did—that you did. It hurts me to see you in so much turmoil. It kills me when CJ calls in tears, begging to come home.”
“Then why do I get the feeling you are reluctant?”
“Because home isn’t a house, Tommy. It’s the place where yo
u feel the safest, but it isn’t a building or a bedroom. And, CJ needs to know that no matter where she lives or where I live, she will always be home with me. CJ, Devon, and DJ are my home. They will always be my home.”
Tom smiled. “And, that’s why this is the right decision.”
“You’ve already decided.”
“I love you, Carrie,” Tom said plainly. “I love CJ. I’m not disappearing from your lives. I couldn’t if I tried. Hell, I love Devon. You know I will love DJ.”
“I do.”
“I’ll be here when you need me. You can trust that. I will be. I’ll be here for the girls. I’ll be here for anyone else that comes along.”
Carrie grinned.
“But my place isn’t the day to day, everyday wrangling of life for any of you. You are CJ’s parents as much as Dar or I ever could’ve been. She’s safest here with you and Devon. She trusts you. I told you that a long time ago. If you’re worried about financial…”
Carrie held up her hand. Money had never played a role in her concerns. “Not at all.”
“I figured as much. I don’t expect you and Devon to provide everything…”
“If you are asking us to adopt her, that is exactly what you’re asking.”
“That’s not…”
“That’s why I want you to think about this a little more.”
“I’ve thought about it, Carrie. Please believe me; I have.”
“Are you asking me for an answer?”
“I guess I am.”
“I have to talk to Devon. I want to speak with Eva first.”
“I hope you don’t hate me.”
Carrie squeezed Tom’s hand. “You are the father of my children, Tom. That might not look like it does in most families; it still matters to me. I could never hate you.”
“Can you forgive me?”
When will he understand? This isn’t about me. “There’s nothing for me to forgive.”
***
Devon walked into the living room with CJ and Dakota. Gwen was giving DJ a bottle. “Where’s Carrie?” Devon asked.
Gwen pointed to the stairs.
“Is she okay?”
“Migraine,” Gwen explained.
“She hasn’t had a migraine in a long time. Did something happen?”
Gwen looked at CJ and Dakota. “Why don’t you go find Grampy? He’s out on the deck.”
“’Kay! Momma,” CJ looked at Devon. “Can me and Dakota show Grampy the birds’ nest?” CJ was fascinated with a small birds’ nest in one of the backyard bushes. The birds had long since vacated it, but two, tiny cracked eggs were still nestled in it.
“Sure, you can” Devon said.
CJ grabbed Dakota’s hand and ran off.
Gwen looked at Devon quizzically. CJ’s endearment was new. “Must’ve been an interesting outing.”
“You could say that,” Devon said. “What happened?”
“I don’t know anything except that Tom was here.”
Devon groaned. “Do you mind if I…”
“Eddie and I raised two kids at the same time. We can manage with these three for a while.”
“Thanks.” Devon looked up the stairs with trepidation. I’m not sure I want to know what happened.
***
Carrie didn’t bother to open her eyes when she heard Devon step into the bedroom. “How was your day with CJ?”
Devon sat gingerly beside Carrie. “How are you feeling?”
“Like a freight train is using my head as tracks.”
Devon let her fingertips tenderly caress Carrie’s forehead. “Tell me what I can do.”
Carrie clasped Devon’s hand and brought it to her lips. “I love you, Dev.”
“What happened?”
Carrie pried her eyes open, straining to bring Devon into focus.
“We don’t have to talk now,” Devon said. “Did you take anything?”
Carrie nodded.
“Close your eyes, babe. We can talk later.”
“No,” Carrie said. “I need to talk to you.”
“Only if you’re sure.”
“Tom wants us to adopt CJ.”
Devon’s jaw dropped.
“I know,” Carrie said. “That was my reaction, followed by a pounding headache.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” Carrie confessed. “I’ve heard all his reasons. I’m still not sure that I understand. I’m not sure that matters anymore.”
“What did you say?” Devon wondered.
“I tried to get him to take some time to think about it. It seems he’s made his decision—assuming that we agree. He’s convinced it’s best for everyone.”
“Maybe he’s right.”
Carrie’s eyes narrowed further.
“Not what you expected me to say, huh?”
“I knew you would agree to adopt CJ if that’s what you mean. I didn’t expect that you’d think it was for the best.”
Devon moved to lie beside Carrie. “I think it’s time we all accepted who we are in this family,” Devon said. “Not just for CJ’s sake either. There’s always a question mark,” she continued. “For all of us. Some part of each of us is waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath us.”
“I’m not sure I would say…”
“We are,” Devon said. “Not just CJ. And, CJ feels that too. She needs all of us—all of us. I think it matters that she can say you are her mother, Carrie. I think it matters to you too.”
“And you?”
“And, for me,” Devon admitted. “CJ asked me if she could call me Momma today.”
Carrie shifted to face Devon fully.
“I know,” Devon said. “I was surprised. She’s been calling me that all day.”
Carrie smiled.
“I realized when we picked up Dakota that it does matter.”
“What’s that?”
“What we call each other. People say it doesn’t matter. We tell our kids that, our parents tell us that—words don’t matter. They do matter.”
Carrie stroked Devon’s cheek. “Yes, they do.”
“We all need to know our place, Carrie. You and I need to have confidence in that place—the place we’ve been asked to take in CJ’s life. Tom knows that.”
Carrie took the first full breath she had in hours. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For knowing what I need to hear.”
“Tom will never bail on the kids, Carrie.”
“I know.”
“He needs to find his place too.”
“I know. I wish that didn’t hurt me so much, Dev. I don’t want to take anything away from…”
“You’re not,” Devon said. “He’s giving us all what we need to move forward as a family.” She pulled Carrie into her arms.
“I should get myself together,” Carrie said.
“No, you should stay right here. Let Grammy and Grampy play their role for a little while.”
“Dev?”
“Hum?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“I had planned to spend this evening utilizing my parents’ presence for a different purpose.”
Devon laughed. “I’ll let you make it up to me.”
“You really are generous.”
“I know.”
Carrie snickered and held onto Devon. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Carrie had been relieved when Tom agreed to wait another week to talk to CJ about his plans. Devon had taken two days away from the restaurant to spend time with Carrie’s parents. Carrie was grateful since her migraine had lingered throughout those days. Devon’s presence had eased her tension and her need to entertain the family. She was delighted that her mother agreed to stay for an additional week. Carrie rarely got to spend one-on-one time with her mother. Gwen Maynard had always been supportive of Carrie’s choices. Three-thousand miles of distance had changed their relationship o
ver the years. It was difficult to cultivate an intimate friendship or bond with anyone via telephone lines and occasional FaceTime sessions. Some topics of conversation were best left for in-person visits. At least, that is how Carrie had always felt. In many ways, she’d grown closer to her mother-in-law. Jillian was a phone call away and had become Carrie’s confidante. A week was hardly a lifetime, but it was time that Carrie knew she would treasure with the woman who had raised her.
“How are you feeling about tonight?” Gwen asked.
“Surprisingly, I feel good about it,” Carrie replied.
“I don’t know why that’s surprising. I think you’ll find that CJ greets Tom’s news happily.”
“That’s the only thing that worries me right now.”
“Care to explain?”
“He puts on a good show, Mom. He does love CJ.”
“Tom loves all of you.”
“He does. It hurts him. He won’t say that, but I can tell it does; the way CJ begs to stay here with me and Dev. He understands. We all understand.”
“Are you concerned because you think that’s the reason he’s moving?”
“No. It’s not his reason. That doesn’t change the fact that it stings. I hope that with this change, CJ might be more inclined to spend longer periods with him when he’s here.”
“In time,” Gwen offered. “She will in time.”
“I hope so.”
“Speaking of spending time with your parents,” Gwen began.
“Getting tired of me?” Carrie joked.
“Why? Are you looking to kick me out?”
“And, give up another pair of diaper duty hands? Are you crazy?”
“I’m glad to know my visit is defined by your daughter’s poop.”
Carrie laughed. Gwen had always been able to calm her nerves and lighten her spirits with gentle teasing. “She does seem to have special powers in that department.”
“It’s definitely out of this world,” Gwen quipped.
Carrie kept laughing, grateful for some levity. Gwen seemed to sober slightly. Carrie grew curious. “Something on your mind?” Carrie asked her mother.
“How would you feel if your father and I lived closer?”
Carrie was unsure what her mother was trying to ask.
