by P. J. Belden
I shook my head and tried to erase those thoughts. Looking back and my brother’s sad face, I softened my tone.
“Well?”
“We need to talk, Kay,” he said softly.
“Oh? What about?”
He took a deep breath and stared at me a moment.
“What’s going on? You and I used to be so close. Now you barely acknowledge me… well any of us really.”
With Elijah, family was everything. If there was a rift in the family, it was unsettling to him. He wasn’t a push over - just the opposite actually. Honestly, I was surprised he didn’t have a wife and million kids yet.
“I don’t know what I did, but please give me some clue so I can try to fix it and get my sister back. Please.”
I didn’t want to have that conversation at work. Hell, I didn’t want to have that conversation at all! It was a complicated and personal conversation, and I didn’t want to have it. There was no way I was even near ready. However, one thing I knew about Eli was if he took time out of his day to come to my work, then he wasn’t leaving without answers. So it seemed I really had no other choice than to at least give him something, and I was going to be as vague as possible.
“You can’t fix it. It doesn’t matter if I tell you or not, because it can’t be fixed or changed!”
I could feel the tears prick the back of my eyes and I tried to blink them away, but it wasn’t working. My brother was right. We were so damn close, and then it changed… I changed. No matter what I told them and when, I couldn’t get that day and the past sixteen years back. So it made no difference. Just as I wouldn’t then, I wasn’t going to put my burden on someone else’s shoulders - not if I could help it. I needed to figure things out for myself and then I could start to slowly work on getting my family relationship back.
Eli almost looked stunned by my outburst. I had never been one to scream or fight about anything. Nor was I a crier… well not in front of anyone. I had learned that lesson, and it wouldn’t happen again.
“Kay… whatever I did… I am sorry. Can you please tell me so I at least know what caused me to lose my sister… for all of us to lose you? Kay, we all miss you. We all love you.”
The sadness I heard in my brother’s voice hurt badly, and those tears I was fighting so hard fell down my cheeks. When I was little, I knew no matter how bad things got or how mean people were I could always count on my brothers. Then that day happened; that horrific, unforgettable, life changing day happened, and my view of everyone around me changed, more so for my brothers and my dad. They were supposed to protect me, and I was left defenseless when I needed their protection the most.
“It’s not what you did. Don’t you get it? It’s what you didn’t do! What all of you didn’t do! None of you protected me when I needed it the most! You were so fucking caught up in your own selfishness that you didn’t protect me!”
The tears fell faster now. Everything boiled over and I finally said everything that I had been holding in… almost all of it.
“You didn’t save me or protect me, and you’d promised me you always would. What you really meant was as long as it didn’t interfere with your plans. You can’t change what already happened. Just drop it!”
He moved closer to me and pulled me into his arms, and for the first time since this all happened, I let him hug me. I let him try to comfort me, even though it was futile. My life was in a downward spiral, and I knew that at any minute I was going to hit the ground and be put out of my misery. I prayed for that day anyway.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kay. When didn’t I protect you? What happened? Please let me understand now.”
I pushed away from him. That was all he was getting; it was all I could afford to tell just then. In the back of my head, that nagging voice was screaming at me to talk - tell him everything and not be alone anymore. But at the same time, the voice of reason was telling me to keep my mouth shut. There was no use in bringing him down with me, he was better off without me. So I did the one thing I was good at; I pushed him away… again. Even though I hoped one day pushing them out of my life would work, I also feared that it would work too well. My family giving up on me would be like the last piece of straw before my back broke. And yet I stood there with the chance to do something, to let my brother in, and I still pushed him away.
“Just drop it, Eli. It doesn’t matter if you know now or not. The fact of the matter is that it happened, and that’s that. Just take what I told you and drop it. Please, I am begging you to just drop it.”
“I can’t just drop it, Kayla. Not when it’s keeping the family torn apart. Damn it, Kayla! Just talk to me!”
“NO! It is not going to change anything, so why put myself through it and drag you along, too? Just drop it! I am not saying any more!”
I turned my back on him and rummaged through my bookshelves, hoping he would get the hint and leave. He sighed heavily, and I thought for a minute he was going to give up, but he didn’t. He just took a moment to calm down.
“Kay, I need to know. I know you say there is no fixing it or changing it, but I need to know so maybe I can help get us past it.”
“The only way to get past it is if I weren’t here anymore,” I mumbled.
“Kay, don’t talk like that, please. Just let me try.”
“Please just go…”
My voice broke and I was trying hard not to cry.
“Kay…”
“Please…” I pleaded.
We stared at each other for a few moments; each hoping the other would break. He didn’t and neither did I. Not only did I not want to have the conversation, but I definitely didn’t want to have it at work. It wasn’t the proper place for such discussion.
“Fine. I will go and drop it… for now. Kayla, I want you to turn to me like you used to. Whatever happened… whatever I didn’t do, I am sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you, Kay, and will always be here for you, no matter what.”
With that, he kissed me on the head and walked out of my office. I walked over and fell into my chair. Every tear I held in while Eli was here began to fall. I couldn’t stop the overflow of emotion. Everything in me wanted to tell him and get it all out there with no more secrets, but it wasn’t his battle, it was mine, and I needed to figure out how to handle the situation.
I never wanted to hurt my brother. Nothing that happened was his fault. The part of me that did blame him—the very small part—only did so because I needed some type of out from the pain I had been through. As I tried to pull myself together, I reached for my phone to call my brother. When I saw movement in the doorway, I looked up to lock eyes with Jason.
Oh God!
CHAPTER FOUR
~JASON~
I froze in the doorway; she was crying. I wanted to hold her, to comfort her. Seeing her cry broke me in a way I wasn’t prepared for. If I knew she’d accept it, I would have pulled her into my arms and held her until all her worries were gone. Something in her behavior yesterday, however, told me that she wouldn’t accept it, and I didn’t want to push her away. For reasons even I didn’t know, I couldn’t get this woman off my mind. The previous night had been the longest night I’d ever had, because every time I closed my eyes, I saw her and her perfect curves, bouncing breasts, and amazing smile. The thought had my cock twitching in my pants again, and I groaned inwardly.
Just then she looked up at me, her eyes, puffy and red from crying, widening at the sight of me in the doorway. Somehow, she was even more beautiful when she cried. The sun that shone in through the window glistened on her tear stained cheeks.
When she continued to stare silently at me, I felt I needed to say something to keep my arms from wrapping around her like they ached to do. I held up the bag I carried.
“I thought you might want some breakfast,” I smiled.
“How…? Why…?” She stammered out.
“Oh, um, your brother told me where to find you. I wanted to see you again. I even brought something for Cara.”
/> I watched as she tried to get her emotions under control, swiping feverishly at her cheeks in an attempt to stop her tears from falling.
Screw it!
I couldn’t do it anymore. I shut the door, set the bag down, and walked around her desk. Without hesitating, I grabbed her hands and pulled her up and into my arms. It lasted for only a few seconds, but for me it was the best few seconds I’d had in a long time. She pulled back and stumbled to the other end of her desk.
“I’m not going to hurt you. Honestly, I just wanted to comfort you. As sad as you seemed, I thought maybe I could help with a hug.”
The terror in her eyes was obvious, and she wasn’t trying to hide it today.
What happened to this woman to make her so afraid of a simple hug?
My fear of moving too fast was dead on. The question that remained was: would she push me away? I hoped not. In one day, this woman had taken me over. I wanted to learn more about her. Something about Kayla called to me, and it was too strong to ignore, and truthfully, I didn’t want to ignore it. It was the first time I had ever admitted that I wanted to be around someone, and it really wasn’t scaring me the way it once had.
I noticed that even in her terror, tears still fell, although something was different about the new tears. It felt like she was crying for a different reason. Something big happened to her and from the looks of it, it wasn’t good, and she was struggling to keep it all in.
“I’m here if you want to talk, Kayla. All I want to do is help you - bring you some comfort.”
Without realizing what I was doing, I took a step toward her. My advancement caused her to step back, and she held up her hands.
“P-please don’t… Please,” she whispered.
The look in her eyes told me to ease up and try to make her feel comfortable. If I was going to have a chance with her, I had to stop pushing her. Taking a step back, I moved over to the bag I brought in.
“Breakfast?” I asked with a reassuring smile.
She nodded and waited for me to sit before sitting on the opposite side of the table as me. I wanted to move to sit closer to her, but I stopped myself. Instead, I just started pulling everything out of the bag. When I finished and looked up at her, she had a questioning look on her beautiful face.
“I wasn’t sure what you’d like to eat, so I made a little bit of everything. I hope there is something here you like.”
Her eyes widened and I was able to get a better look at how absolutely hypnotic they were. It seemed very well possible that I could have stared into those eyes all day and never need anything more. .
“You made all of this? For me? Why?”
I laughed for a moment. It felt good, but soon ended when I realized I wasn’t sure how to answer her questions. Judging by the way she reacted to me wanting to hold her, something has caused her to lose faith in people - or maybe just men. If I was going to get anywhere, I needed to figure out what that something was.
But answering her questions was proving harder than I’d expected. It wasn’t like I could just say ‘I couldn’t quit thinking about you last night. It kept me up and horny all night long. So I decided that a nice special treat for you might help your day go well and bring a smile to those lips I long to kiss.’ No, I couldn’t say any of that.
“I, uh, wanted to bring you breakfast.”
It was stupid, yet the only thing I could think to say, and the only thing I could think that was safe. We stared at each other for a few moments. I had no clue how it was going to end.
Finally, Kayla nodded her head. With a trembling hand, she reached and grabbed a muffin. Was it because of me that she was shaking? From our interaction the day before I’d learned that if I could keep her preoccupied with a conversation, she could forget to be scared or nervous. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why it was so important to have her close, but I wanted her with me. It was almost as if I needed her with me.
What is wrong with me? Kayla has really gotten under my skin - and quickly.
“I have this treat for Cara. Is it okay if she has it?”
Kayla nodded her head and made a clicking sound that brought Cara to her side. I walked over and knelt down beside Cara, gently petting her head
“So you’re Cara? I’ve heard a lot about you. You sure are a pretty little thing. I brought you a gift,” I said, laughing as she licked my face.
I held out the treat for her, and she looked to Kayla for the okay to take it. Kayla nodded and Cara took it from me. One last nuzzle from her before she took her chew toy back to her bed and started chewing on it.
“I have never seen her like that with anyone,” she whispered.
My first mistake was looking up at her from my position on the floor, and my second mistake was following her sexy-as-sin legs up to her full breasts (that I just couldn’t get out of my head) before finally meeting her eyes. I was such a fucking pervert. You would think she was the first woman I have ever seen. From the tightness in my jeans, I knew I was noticeably hard. So, I stayed where I was and struck up a conversation pretending to be focused on Cara.
“How do you mean?”
“She doesn’t usually want anyone near…”
“Understandable, considering the trauma she suffered. I’m sure she remembers it.”
“No, not near her… near me,” she whispered.
“Why would she…”
I looked at her then and saw the terror slipping back into her beautiful eyes. I decided it was best to steer away from that topic, figuring it must be related to whatever happened, so I changed directions.
“She is very well trained. Did you train her?”
Feeling safe, I stood up and walked back over to where I had been sitting. As I began to take the lids off the containers she started to talk.
“Yes, I did. We’re still working on a few things.”
Being a detective, I picked up on things easier. She was giving short, almost timid answers. I served myself some eggs and motioned for her to get whatever she wanted.
“Have you always wanted to be a vet?”
“No.”
“When did you decide to become a vet?”
“When I was twelve.”
I have always been known for my patience - hell, I had been known for a lot of things, but this woman blew all those things out of the water. Before I could reason with myself, I had my first outburst since I was a little kid.
“Why are you giving me short, clipped answers?”
“Why are you asking twenty fucking questions?” she said as she got to her feet and leaned on the table.
“I want to get to know you. It’s what you do when you like someone!” I said, raising my voice and leaning on the table.
She almost seemed to freeze and suddenly started crying. God, I felt like such an ass for raising my voice. In another moment of not thinking, I moved and pulled her into my arms. To my surprise, she let me hold her. She felt amazing in my arms. I didn’t move my hands just left one on the back of her head and the other around her waist holding her against me. Her body was shaking with her sobs.
Without thinking, I started moving my hands up and down her back. The feel of her under my hands had images popping into my head that didn’t need to be there at the moment. I whispered that it was okay over and over again as I continued to run my hands up and down her back. After a few moments she backed away. I felt empty without her in my arms. It was the oddest feeling, and one I have never felt before.
“You can’t like me, ” she whispered without looking at me.
“What do you mean? Why can’t I like you?”
“You just can’t. It’s… it’s not safe for you to like me.”
Before I could reply her phone started ringing. She was trying to push me away, though for what, I don’t know. I still wanted to know what was going on. I tried to make myself busy while I waited for her to get off the phone. Something in her voice drew my attention and I listened in on her conversation.
�
�I said no… Just leave me alone!... Please… N-no… Leave me alone…”
She stood there holding the phone in her shaking hand. I stopped what I was doing and wrapped my arms around her again. This time she screamed and jumped. Dropping my hands to my sides, I stood there.
“Is everything okay?”
She hung up the phone and wouldn’t look at me as she answered.
“Yes, fine.”
It almost looked as if she was gathering things to leave.
“Kayla, if you’re in trouble… let me help. Remember, I’m a detective. I could help you.”
“Right…” Kayla whispered in disbelief. “No one can help me,” she said with such sadness and loss in her voice that it nearly broke me in two.
Whatever this woman had been through, or was going through, had caused her to close herself off from everyone, and that tore at her soul. Kayla was broken, and though I had never been a jump-to-save-a-person kind of guy, I wanted to heal her - make her whole again.
“Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t I? I have been dealing with this shit for far too long and no one has done anything yet.”
“I didn’t know you before. I’m here now. Kayla,” I cupped her face in my hands and forced her to look into my eyes. “I want to help you. Whatever you need, please just tell me and I will do everything in my power to help you.”
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at me. I had an urge to kiss her and I had actually leaned in to take action on the urge, without thinking. Just as I expected, she pulled back.
“You need to leave.”
I took a couple steps toward her. Kayla stared at me wide eyed so I stopped.
“When can I see you again?”
“You can’t.”
“Why?”
“Please, you just can’t. It’s not safe for you to. Please just leave.”
For whatever reason, I just couldn’t stop myself. I knew that later I would regret it, but at the moment, I couldn’t have stopped myself if I’d wanted to. Grabbing her by her hands, I pulled her into my arms and before she had a chance to react, I brought my lips down to hers. It wasn’t anything more than my lips firmly pressed to hers, but I hardened. Given our closeness, I know she must have felt it.
