by P. J. Belden
After a few moments I pulled back and smiled down at her. My smile quickly fell away when I saw the terror on her face.
“I… I’m sorry, Kayla. I like you and want to get to know you better. No, I shouldn’t have kissed you, but nothing I’ve been saying has registered with you.”
The terror was still on her face even as I rambled. She was almost frozen and stiff as a board in my arms. I loosened my arms and she backed away immediately. She lifted a trembling hand to grab something from her desk.
Without looking at me she said, “I have to go,” and she was out of the room before I could react, Cara hot on her heels. I stared at her door for several moments before walking to the table to gather all the containers of food that had barely been touched. Mentally cursing myself for pushing her too far, I shoved containers into the bag.
The way that woman had taken over me when we’d only just met concerned me. Maybe it was a good thing that she left without contact information. Still, as I walked past her desk and saw the paper, I couldn’t stop myself from writing her a note.
I was headed out the door when I stopped at the reception desk. A bubbly blonde sat on a chair behind the desk.
“Excuse me, Ma’am?”
She put the person on the phone on hold and smiled at me.
“Yes?”
“I have all this extra food here,” I lifted the bag for her to see. “I don’t have time or ability to eat it all. Would you have a use for it here?”
“Of course, Sir,” she paused a moment as if trying to figure out something. “She didn’t take to you?”
I stared a moment, caught off guard. I just shook my head. Not wanting to say too much to a co-worker.
“Don’t worry, she’s got something really big - and I don’t mean in a good way - going on. She came in here today pale as a ghost and shaking something fierce. She works God awful hours. I try to get her to stay home, but something about being at home panics her. She doesn’t know I saw, but she can’t hide it in her eyes.”
I knew that was true. You could tell exactly what Kayla was thinking or feeling by looking in her eyes. In just the two times I met her, I had learned that. I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“Is she seeing anyone?”
She shook her head fast with a sad laugh.
“Men scare her. She tries to put on a good front, but…”
The thoughts crossing my mind right then had me wanting to strangle someone. It made my blood boil with rage, and it took everything out of me not to revert to the out-of-control kid I once was. Taking a deep breath I forced a smile and handed her the bag.
“Thanks,” I said.
“She is an amazing woman, but she doesn’t let anyone in. Not even her family.”
“I have no doubt she is amazing. She’s just not interested in me.”
“I bet she is, she just can’t see past whatever her problem is.”
I smiled and made my way to the door. Once I got into my undercover car, I just sat there a moment staring at the building. Kayla had only been in my life for less than twenty-four hours, and already she was under my skin and in my thoughts. Starting the car, I sighed and drove to the station.
As I walked into the station, I told myself that I would just forget about Kayla and everything I felt when I held her, kissed her, or even looked at her. My heart sank at that thought, but I pushed it aside and switched to my detective mode, turning off all emotion.
“Jay! What’s up? I tried to call you earlier.”
I knew he did, but I had set my phone to vibrate because I wanted to focus solely on Kayla.
I focused on her all right, and pushed her right the fuck away from me, too.
Mentally, I slapped myself. I hadn’t even been at work for five minutes and already blew my plan out of the water.
“Busy this morning, did you need something important, Nate.”
“No, I wanted to see if you wanted to go to the bar tonight. I have a hunch there will be a bunch of hot, single, drunk, willing females there tonight.”
“No thanks, man.”
I wasn’t into that kind of scene. Yes, I was human and had needs, but I wanted my women fully aware of what they were doing and consenting to. I may not want a relationship with them beyond that moment, but it didn’t mean I want them to feel I’d taken advantage of them. I didn’t want a relationship with anyone.
Well, maybe Kayla was the exception.
What the hell? I shook my head and Nate smiled next to me. He was a bachelor to the core. He loved women, and wanted as many of them as he could get. Women loved his blonde hair and blue eyes. He was a gym nut and it showed.
“Dude someone has already tripped your trigger!”
I wanted to swing at him, but we were at work and getting into a fight with your partner was automatic suspension.
“Shut up, asshole!”
“Oh shit! I’m right aren’t I?”
“Asshole…” I mumbled under my breath as I moved to my desk.
His desk sat across from mine, so when he sat down, there was no way to avoid the huge, satisfying grin on his face.
“Just leave it alone, Nate”
He laughed and I gripped my coffee cup tighter. I concentrated hard on taking deep breaths to keep from giving in to the urge to chuck my coffee mug at my partner and best friend’s head.
“I can’t. I won’t. So spill it. Who is she? What’s she look like? She must be amazing in bed!”
My head shot up and I gave Nathan an evil glare. That man, the only brother type I’ve ever had, picked me up from the darkest time in my life. Knowing how much I owed him, I knew not telling him was out of the question. I sighed in defeat. There was no way he was going to let it go anyway, and the rest of the day would have been spent trying not to kill him, rather than focusing on my job.
“I met her yesterday when I had to go to this party and deliver a message for my mom. I can’t quit thinking about her, her smile, her laugh, her…”
I let my voice trail off, knowing that if I mentioned how unbelievably sexy and beautiful she was, he’d hone in on just that. I shrugged.
“Her brother helped me out and told me where I could find her. So I surprised her with breakfast this morning. Only she… I don’t know. Something happened to her, someone hurt her. I told myself to not push her. Somehow not long before I came in here, I quit thinking and I pulled her into my arms and kissed her.”
I looked at Nate, “It wasn’t an open mouth kiss. It was just my lips on hers, mouth closed, but…” I shrugged again. “She panicked, told me it was too dangerous for me to like her and bolted.”
“Holy shit dude! You actually care about her?”
“I don’t know. I just met her yesterday.”
Thankfully, the Captain walked in for his brief, and we returned to work mode again.
“Okay, let’s get down to business here. Gold! What else do you have on the serial rapist that’s been taunting this office for over a decade?”
“We’re following up on every lead we have, analyzing the photos and the writing, but we still have nothing to connect it to the person behind them. We’re going to reevaluate the evidence again and try to look at it from different angles to see if we’re missing something that might help us.”
“Good! Get started, this sick bastard needs to be off the streets!”
Nate left me alone about Kayla the rest of the day, and I was thankful for his restraint. We needed to focus and take care of the rapist. Women were not safe with him around.
CHAPTER FIVE
~KAYLA~
Driving around was not helping me calm down at all. I pounded my steering wheel with the heel of my hand. I wanted my life back! In all the years since I first met Alex, there has never been anyone like me before. There has been interest before, but nothing beyond banging the sister of one of my famous siblings. It was actually the line some of them used.
“What would it take to get into your pants, Darlin’? I would love to bang
Colt Williams’ sister.”
It was part of the reason I lost all belief in men. Jason was different, and I could tell that the moment I met him. He was kind and cautious, but more importantly, he was understanding. If I had let things go further, he was going to get hurt. I couldn’t let that happen to him.
Whenever he was around me, I felt different. My skin tingled, and my heart skipped beats. It almost felt like I couldn’t breathe. This was a reaction to a man I’ve never had before.
My hand lifted to my lips. I could still feel his lips on mine. It was like he couldn’t resist kissing me in some way so he settled for just touching his amazing lips to mine. The feelings that went through me at that moment scared the living shit out of me.
Not only the feelings, but the knowledge that he could be in real danger because of me.
I thought back to the phone call.
“Hello?”
“I’m coming for you.”
“No you’re not.”
“Are you talking back to me?”
I couldn’t say anything.
“You are mine!”
“I said no!”
“I don’t think you understand, bitch!”
He was getting angrier with the more outbursts I let out.
“Just leave me alone…”
“I don’t think so.”
“Please…”
I was getting desperate, but I knew that nothing I said or did was going to get this man off my back. Nothing had worked for the past sixteen years - why would it work now?
“You’re seeing that guy you’re with right now, aren’t you?”
My eyes lifted to Jason and I noticed that he was watching me intently. I couldn’t move I froze. A million things went through my mind.
“He’s going to die for touching what’s mine. You made that happen!”
“N-no…”
“You will see me soon, Kayla!” He said with such venom in his voice I could feel myself start to shake.
“Leave me alone” But the line had already gone dead.
He was going to hurt Jason, all because Jason was dumb enough to like me.
Through the thick traffic, I made my way back to my office. It was a hellacious drive that time of day, but I had to get out of the office. I hoped that by the time I got back, Jason would have left and I could go about my life keeping him out of it.
Jenny greeted me when I walked in. I didn’t stop for a talk. There was just nothing I could say right now without breaking down. Once Cara got inside, I shut the door, walked to my desk, sat down in my chair, and dropped my head to the desk. When I lifted my head, it was then that I noticed a letter on my desk with my name written across the paper. I traced the lettering of my name. With a shaking hand I picked it up and opened it. It was from Jason.
Dear Kayla,
I just want you to know I am truly sorry. Not sorry I kissed you, but that I screwed my chance of getting to know you better. You are a beautiful and intelligent woman. I hope our paths cross again. Regardless of what you may think of me, my offer to help stands (either professional or personal).
To finding the ones who consume us and make us forget
Jason Gold
XXX-555-9182
I held the letter to my chest and began to cry. That was how my assistant found me when she came into my office a few minutes later. She hurried to me and hugged me while I continued to cry. There was no way to stop it. Someone actually liked me, and I couldn’t (even if I wanted to) get involved with him. There was no way I could risk that. He was obviously a good man - Cara even liked him. That was all the more reason I needed to stick to my guns, hold the two meetings in my memories, and move on. After all, I was used to being alone.
“What’s wrong, Kayla?”
I handed her the note. Jenny eyed me funny, but looked down to read the note. Her eyes widened.
“Is this the guy that left this morning?”
I nodded my head. It was all I could do while I tried to pull myself together.
“So that’s what he meant,” she whispered.
“Wait… what?”
Her head flew up to look at me, her eyes wide. She obviously hadn’t meant for me to hear her say that. I stared at her until she broke. She told me all about their conversation as he left.
“JENNY!”
“What I’m sorry. He seemed genuine about his feelings for you. I thought it would be good for you to find someone to ‘consume you and make you forget,’” she said, raising the note pointing to the last line of his note.
I sagged back against my chair. What the hell was I going to do?
Everyone is pushing me to date, but no one understands that I FUCKING can’t! Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. Even if I could, I wouldn’t because, thanks to Alex, all men make me think of the pain, fear, and hell I have been through over the years. I can’t handle it. There are times when I feel like waking up is more of an effort than it’s worth.
“Are you going to call him? I think that’s a cell phone, so you could totally text him.”
She was jumping up and down like it was some high school crush or something. I couldn’t do that to him or to myself. I shook my head and busied myself at my desk, unable to control the sadness that overtook me. For the first time, I felt completely alone. I truly was fighting this on my own, and boy was I losing the battle.
Jenny left my office shortly afterward and I went about my work. I tried to push thoughts of Jason out of my mind, but every time I looked at my table I thought about him, and then about the kiss. I needed to get out of my office, but if I did that then I would have to go home. Home was the last place I wanted to be. I didn’t go anywhere I couldn’t take Cara and I didn’t go unless there was a crowd.
I decided to head outside to our own private dog park for the dogs that come through the office. There was a cat palace (indoor and outdoor) for the cats as well. Cara immediately took off to play with the few other dogs being let out for exercise. I sat on one of the benches, pulled my knees up, and held them there against my chest. I watched Cara running around playing. Her life started off so horribly and now she is happy as a clam. Sighing, I wished my life could be like that.
Wishing never got me anywhere. I wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger, but that didn’t happen. Whatever I wanted in life was within my grasp, but then Alex walked into my room and everything changed. No one noticed, no one asked questions. I gave up hope that someone would start the conversation and fell back into myself. I blocked out my brothers and dad more than my sisters and my mom. My mom had tried to get me to go to my Aunt’s that night, but I wanted to spend time with Eli. It was true that one decision could affect the rest of your life. I learned that quickly. Mine had never been the same since that day, and I didn’t foresee it getting better any time soon.
My mind eventually wandered to Jason. He was right with what he said in the note.
‘To finding the ones who consume us and make us forget.’
I thought about him a lot and it got my mind off the terror my life was. It gave me a ray of sunshine in my otherwise storm of a life. However, I had to wonder what I made him forget. Part of me wanted to ask, but that would be asking him to do something I was just not ready to do myself. Not like I was going to talk to him again anyway.
My mind kept whirling around what the hell to do. Alex was going to find me eventually. I couldn’t hide out anywhere. It never worked; I tried that many years ago. I was never sure how he found me, but he did. It made it hard to find a place away from him, though I needed to find a new place soon.
A big hand touched my shoulder and I jumped off the bench, falling to the ground with a thud and a scream. Without looking to see who it was, I started to beg.
“Please… please don’t hurt me. I can’t handle anymore…”
I opened my eyes and saw the worried expression in Jake’s eyes. Jake was an actor and model. He had the looks to back up a good following, but he didn’t have the attitude. He
was the most down to earth person I had ever known, and he never used his status to get him anywhere. Jake knelt down beside me and helped me up.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. You scared me,” I said, pulling away from him. I saw Cara at my feet. “Go play girl, false alarm.”
She stayed for a second or two, then took off running.
I walked back over to the bench and sat on the far side. The burning feeling of someone staring at me, let me know that my brother was watching at me. He was trying to figure out what was going on with me. Finally, he walked over and sat on the bench, turning his gaze to look out over the dog park.
“What’s going on, Kay?”
“God! You sound like Eli! Can’t you guys just leave me alone?”
“No! No, we can’t. You are alienating us, and it’s tearing all of us apart!”
“Now? Now, you notice? Now you care what the hell is going on? What happened before? Why didn’t you care enough before? In the beginning, when maybe I could have been saved?”
I had no place yelling at him, but they were all pissing me off. They were all so concerned at that moment, but no one cared back then or during any time after. Sixteen years is a LONG time to go without saying anything. It was hard to keep the anger and the hurt from my voice.
“We have been trying to let you come to us.”
“For sixteen fucking years? You’ve been waiting for sixteen fucking years!”
I stood up and started heading back into my office and called Cara. Once inside my office, Jake entered right behind me.
“Kay…”
“Don’t! Don’t say another fucking word! Like I told your brother this morning, it doesn’t matter now. You can’t fix or change anything. I don’t need to tell you guys anything. The time to ask was then, NOT now. Get out of my office.”
I sat down at my desk and guilt started to get the better of me. None of them deserved any of this. None of them deserved the hatred I had inside me. I knew that and I could tell myself that, but it never stayed that way when they started acting concerned when it was too late. How could I make it any clearer for them to drop it?
