by P. J. Belden
God! How I wish I could just take back everything she has been through over the years and make her whole again.
I shook my head. If she was that amazing after having been through all that she had, I wasn’t sure I would even have the chance with her if not for her suffering. It sounded horrible, I know, but I just couldn’t figure out what the hell this woman was doing to me.
“This is all we are going to do today. It’s been a rough day for you, and you are fried, I can tell. Tomorrow, we will go through some things and then go from there, okay?”
“Are… are you leaving?”
The way she asked it was like she wanted me to stay longer. There was no definite clue as to if it was my wishful thinking, or if maybe she might actually like having me around.
CHAPTER NINE
~KAYLA~
“Do you want me to stay?”
It was the way he asked that caused me to look up. It was like he was hoping I would say yes. I did want him to stay; I felt safer with him around. “Yes. I feel safer when I’m with you. It’s like I can breathe when you’re around.”
Shrugging, I tried to play it off like what I’d said was no big deal. Jason, however, like all the other times, he seemed to see right through me.
“You have no idea how much that means to me. I know how big of a deal it is for you to say that, and I will do my best to live up to it. I’ll stay as long as you like.”
I looked up at him and could see the sincerity in his eyes. It was comforting and scary. The need to keep him around was the scary part, but the way I felt while he was around was comforting. I was reaching out with everything I had in me to keep hold of those feelings. I wasn’t paying attention to the possible danger - no, the definite danger - I was putting him in.
“No, wait, you need to go.”
My eyes looked everywhere, but at him. I knew if he looked into my eyes, he would know I didn’t really want him to go. I jumped when his hands cupped my face, forcing me to look up at him.
“I’m not in any danger, Kayla. I know that’s the reason you changed your mind. There is no way I am going to let him dictate what I want to do. You shouldn’t let him dictate your life anymore either.”
“Wh-what do you want to do?”
“Be more specific, because there are two things running through my head at the moment.”
There was no kidding myself. I could hear the change in his voice. It was deeper, almost breathier. It made me shiver, but for the first time it wasn’t a bad thing. What was it about Jason that drove me crazy? What was it about him that had me thinking things I had never thought before? Before I could stop myself, my eyes dropped to his gorgeous soft lips, and I felt an urge to kiss him. I’ve never had those urges. It wasn’t until the sound came back to my own ears that I realized I was talking.
“What are the two options?”
I couldn’t take my eyes away from his mouth. For the first time in my life, I wanted to kiss someone. Moreover, I wanted someone to kiss me.
This can’t be true. It can’t be right. Can it?
Hell, I didn’t know anything anymore, except for what I wanted right then. As scary as it was, I wanted it.
“Stay here with you until you fall asleep…” he whispered as he moved closer to me.
“Or?” I whispered.
“And,” he whispered, leaning down slightly, “kiss you like I have been dying to since we met. May I kiss you, Kayla?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
He closed the distance and pressed his lips to mine. A thrill ran through me. I had never felt that before. It was strange and shockingly, I liked it. Soon I felt his tongue on my lips. It slid back and forth, from one corner of my mouth to the other. My body seemed to know what to do and acted on its own accord. My mouth opened, granting him entrance. It was almost as if he understood not to rush it because he moved his tongue in slowly. When his tongue brushed against mine, he moaned. My heart rate sped up. Tentatively, I moved my tongue against his.
My first kiss! Amazing!
I was lost to sensations I had never felt before. The heat from his tongue, the warmth of his mouth, his taste - it was all so intoxicating. I forgot everything. I forgot what had happened earlier that day, my past, hell at that point, I wasn’t even sure I knew my own name. His tongue danced with mine as his mouth slid softly over mine, and I melted into him. Raising my arms up, I wrapped them around his neck, pushing my fingers into his hair. His hands moved down my back until they cupped my ass and pulled me into him. My heart raced for a different reason, and I tensed up in his arms. Jason must have felt it because he broke the kiss and rested his forehead on mine.
“I’m sorry. I forgot about your injuries,” he panted.
So had I. The pain hadn’t even registered over the panic - the fear I felt when he pressed me into his erection. That feeling consumed me. I wasn’t going to tell him that though; he didn’t need to know he’d just scared the shit out of me. Yes, he thought he hurt me, but that was easier to accept than the fear he’d just brought me.
“It’s okay. I forgot too. You make me forget.”
We stood there, forehead to forehead, until our breathing calmed. He pressed a tender, soft, quick kiss to my lips and stepped back smiling. Suddenly his face dropped. I held my breath for whatever caused his mood to change.
“Oh my God! Kayla I’m so sorry!”
A sob built in the back of my throat. My first kiss with a great guy and he regrets it. How could I have let myself fall into this? Who wants to be with a rape victim anyway?
“I can’t believe I just came on to you like that after what you’ve been through today. You must think I’m some kind of asshole.”
There was no stopping it; a laugh came bursting out. Soon, the laugh turned to tears. When I looked at Jason, I could see the worry and confusion on his face.
“I thought you regretted kissing me.”
“Never. I’ve wanted to kiss you like that since I met you. I just don’t want you to think…”
I put my hands on his forearms and looked him right in the eye.
“You asked and I said yes. I wanted it too. It’s a strange thought for me, but I did, and I liked it. It’s just…”
“I know. I’ll try to back off some. It’s just when I’m around you, everything is better.”
“I feel the same way.” I whispered. “Earlier, you said there were two things you wanted, but you also said ‘and,’ not ‘or.’ Are you still going to stay here?”
I couldn’t meet his eyes. It was the closest I had ever been with a man, and I was afraid to put myself out there just to have him smack me back. Jason seemed like a great guy, and I wanted to keep believing that. Maybe it was stupid of me to let him kiss me; maybe I should have told him no. But it was the first time that I’d ever wanted a kiss. I wasn’t sure there was any stopping it at that point.
“Of course I am. Kayla, look at me.”
I couldn’t meet his eyes. My eyes burned and I knew I was going to cry. The whole day had been a wreck on my nerves, and I had stretched them so thin over the years that everything was making me cry. I couldn’t stand it. Soft, tender hands cupped my face and forced me to look up into his eyes. A tear rolled down my cheek and was wiped away by Jason’s thumb.
“Hey. Don’t cry, please. I like you Kayla. I don’t know how else to tell you that. I’m not like him; please don’t compare me to that monster. I don’t have any ulterior motive. Being near you - with you - is all I want. I understand that that scares you, which is why I will back off so we can get to know each other, then see what happens from there. Okay?”
I nodded my head. He leaned down and kissed me again before pulling back and chuckling.
“Sorry, couldn’t resist. Had to kiss you just one more time.”
I laughed and smacked him. When I stepped back, my eyes took in the room again and a coldness I had never felt before ran through me. The amazing moment with Jason had been pushed away. And my mind was again flooded with memories of what happen
ed earlier that day as well as in the past.
“He’s going to kill me before everything’s over and done. It will be the only way I can be free.”
My body was shaking with a fear so strong that I dropped to my knees. I couldn’t catch my breath and it felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.
Not now! Damn it!
I felt something touch me. It wasn’t until he was cradling me in his arms that I realized it was Jason. I heard a click noise and the lighting changed. I was so dizzy. He sat down and kept me on his lap, gently taking my face in his hands.
“Kay, look at me. He’s not going to get you. I need you to take slow, deep breaths, sunshine. Please,”
I stared into his eyes, and the nickname he’d used echoed in my head. After a bit, I was able to take deeper and deeper breaths. My eyes stayed on his and I lost myself in their amazing depths. Jason was my anchor in the stormy seas. I didn’t know how he managed it, but he helped me find faith in others again - he helped restore my faith in men. Not long later, I sagged into him, and he pulled me to his chest and rocked me for a minute.
“You scared the shit out of me.”
“Why did you call me sunshine?” I whispered into his chest.
He chuckled softly. “Because since the day I met you, you’ve lit up my life. You are my sunshine,” he added in a whisper and kissed my head.
“You really have been hurt if I light up your life,” I said, and he chuckled again, but it was sad. “Will you tell me about it?”
He took a deep breath and whispered, “Someday.”
After a few minutes, I pulled back from Jason and smiled at him. He was the only one that could reach me, and it was a feeling that I wanted to hang on to. Standing up, I smiled at him, then looked to my sister and Nate. I saw the worry on their faces. I deflated a little, then Jason ran his hand on the back of my leg gently. Turning back and looking at him, I stopped falling into myself. This man had an amazing effect on me.
“Anyone hungry?” I asked, to which everyone nodded. “Great, I’ll make something.”
Cooking was my escape; it was my outlet, the time during which I focused on something other than the nightmare that was my life. Mary was right earlier at the clinic when she said I lived in fear. I did. I was alone in fear. Fear ruled my life. Living in fear was the only way I knew how to live.
What would become of my life if I don’t have to live in fear?
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that might be like, or what it would be like to date - to not be alone. The thought made me want to cry. I had always wanted a family like the one I grew up in. Unfortunately, those dreams - and many others - were erased years ago. I was certain then that no matter what happened, I would ever have those dreams again.
I looked up and watched my sister flirt with Nate, who flirted right back. I wondered what it must be like to know what you want and grab it. Shaking my head, I turned back to get ingredients for supper.
“Hey Kayla?”
I looked up and found Jason standing at my island.
“Yeah?”
“I need to take a few more pictures in your room. Is that okay?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
It wasn’t my room anymore. It would forever be a room of torture. I needed a new bed; there was no way I could ever sleep in that bed again. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to go back in there to clean up. Just the thought of that room made me shudder.
Another shake of my head and I turned to pull out all the makings for lasagna. As I was prepping everything, Mary came over and bumped hips with me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t Mare. Please. You didn’t know. No one did. I really don’t want to talk anymore about it, okay?”
Mary nodded.
“So, what can I do to help?”
For the next forty-five minutes, Mary and I put my complex, one-of-a-kind lasagna together. I was just putting it in the oven when Jason came walking back out into the living area. He looked a little sweaty.
“You like him, don’t you?”
I flipped my head back to Mary, who was grabbing down wine glasses.
“Why would you say that?”
“Please, Kayla. Anyone can tell by the way you look at him.”
I stared at her dumbfounded. She poured a glass of wine for her and another for me. Handing me a glass she said, “Don’t worry Hun. He likes you too. Though I think he’s trying to fight it.”
“He doesn’t like me,” I whispered.
Even as I said that I thought back to the kiss in the bedroom.
I guess you could share a kiss with someone even if you don’t like them. Just because it was amazing for me didn’t mean he felt the same thing for me.
“Why do you insist that no one can like you? Kay, you’re beautiful, smart, and sexy in an innocent kind of way. Just because the first apple that fell at your feet had holes all through it doesn’t mean the rest aren’t good enough to eat. You just have to pick the right one.”
Again, my sister’s logic made sense, but right then I just couldn’t see it. I wanted to - I wanted to so badly - but the evidence was not proving much different at the moment, well Jason aside. Jason seemed to be in his own group. Only time will tell if he’s the one good enough to eat or the one that’s rotten on the inside. Mary started talking about her tour and her manager. I could tell when someone was hiding something. Mary was definitely hiding something and whatever it was, by the look on her face, wasn’t good.
“Girls we need to sit and cuddle for a movie for a few minutes please. We have an onlooker and if we are to keep this charade up that we are dating we need to convince the peeping tom that.”
Mary poured the boys a glass of wine and handed one to me and whispered, “You can do this.”
Though I was glad she thought so, I wasn’t so sure. Walking over toward Jason, I knew what I had to do; I just wasn’t sure I was going to pull it off. After having the some pleasant experiences with Jason, it was a little easier to do than before. I handed him his glass of wine and he opened his arms, smiling up at me. Lowering myself to his lap seemed like a million mile journey. Once in his lap, he leaned over and whispered to me, his mouth next to my ear.
“I promise I will try and behave.”
He wrapped his arms around me and watched the television. The feeling of safety in his arms was alarming, but relaxing. My body was telling me I could trust him, but my mind was telling me to run away and go back to solitude.
“What took you so long in the room?”
“I cleaned it.”
I sat up straight.
“You did what?”
He looked at me and rubbed my back.
“I didn’t want you to have to do it or think about what happened in there. I cleaned it, and I also ordered a new bed for you. Until it gets here, though, I flipped the mattress over and remade it.”
Without thinking I hugged him and cried softly into his neck. He held me and kept rubbing my back. The sound of his heart beating and the steady rise and fall of his chest made me relax, and I soon fell asleep.
CHAPTER TEN
~JASON~
After a few minutes, I felt Kayla curl into me. She had fallen asleep, and I smiled to myself.
Trust.
It wasn’t a huge step, but she was starting to trust herself with me or she wouldn’t have fallen asleep in my arms. I rested my head on hers and continued to rub her back gently. Even if she was asleep, I still enjoyed having her in my arms. About an hour later, the timer went off and scared her awake.
“It’s okay, it’s just the timer for the oven. You fell asleep for a little bit,” I said reassuringly while still rubbing her back to calm her down.
“I’m sorry for falling asleep. I… I… uh, will go check on supper.”
With that she was up and off my lap quicker than I could blink, it seemed. I already felt cold without her in my arms. I had never felt like this with another woman in my life. There
was something about Kayla, though. It was like we needed each other. She didn’t just need me, I needed her just as much.
God, she was beautiful, and when she relaxed she was amazing, fun, and breathtaking. Silently, I vowed to catch the prick and give Kayla her life back. My thoughts drifted to the events that would follow her freedom, and I hoped I had a place in her new carefree life. I was getting in deep, and I knew it. Nothing I did would stop me from it now, and that scared the shit out of me! To put that much faith in someone again – I wasn’t sure that I could do it yet.
Kayla needed to be cherished - she deserved to be cherished. Unsure as I was about taking that step, I wanted to be the one to give all that to her. Soon, my past was going to come back to haunt me, and I needed to be the one to tell her. I felt like a jerk for not telling her yet. She’d just bared herself to me, and I couldn’t even tell her my story. Part of me worried it would change her view of me, and I didn’t want that at all.
“Supper’s ready. Sit at the table, please.”
Mary and Nate went to the table, but I made my way into the kitchen to help. Kayla turned around just as I walked around the island and bumped into me.
“Oh!”
She almost fell over, so I reached my hands around her waist to steady her. Just the feel of her in my arms again had the blood rushing to my groin.
“Where are the plates?” I whispered huskily.
She pointed to a cupboard. I vaguely registered which one she pointed to. She didn’t say a word at all. All I needed to do was let her go and get the plates. That was exactly what I needed to do, and I planned to do it just as soon as I could get my body to work with my mind. We stood there frozen, my arms around her and her arms rested on mine, unaware of how much time had passed.
A cough came from the dining room, breaking the trance and we pulled apart. I moved to the cupboards and after opening two, I found the plates. I handed them to Kayla and took the heavy - and very - hot pan of lasagna out to the table. Kayla followed behind me with the plates, silverware, and napkins. After pulling out, her chair and pushing her in, I took my seat next to her. We all ate in silence for a bit, glancing at each other every so often.
